Alvin wakes in the middle of the night; his body feels all wrong. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to pretend for a moment that his whole body doesn't ache and his head isn't spinning and his stomach isn't churning, but it's impossible; it's not something he can just will away. He doesn't get sick nearly as often as he did as a child, but when something hits him, it hits him hard.
He hopes he won't wake anyone as he staggers out of bed and slowly drags his heavy body to the bathroom. He's off-balance and exhausted and it feels like he's in a shipwreck, a thought that triggers his anxiety and amplifies his nausea. He tries to brace himself, runs a hand through his hair, but his hands are shaking and he feels weak. He feels vulnerable and it terrifies him.
He makes it out of the room unnoticed, but as he reaches the hallway he starts to feel lightheaded and he stumbles, crashing into the wall opposite. He curses under his breath. "Alvin?" Jude's sleepy voice comes, and Alvin curses yet again.
He tries his best to steady his breathing. "Relax, kid. Just using the bathroom," he says in the most laidback voice he can muster. Hopefully Jude will believe him; he is telling the truth, after all. He knows he won't be able to hide anything from the young doctor if he sees him - even in the dark he knows he looks dreadful - but he holds onto the shred of hope that the kid will just go back to sleep and maybe this'll be out of his system by morning.
He's grateful when he doesn't hear anything further. Alvin doesn't want anyone to see him like this. For much of his life, he'd fear that if others saw him in this state, they could attack him in a million different ways and he'd be powerless against every single one; he wouldn't even see it coming. He doesn't feel like he's in danger right now, but he can't seem to shake the sense of fear in his gut.
He staggers into the bathroom, and as his stomach lurches, he gets on his hands and knees and heaves into the toilet. His abdomen spasms painfully, and for minutes that feel like hours all he can focus on is the desperate struggle between retching to get air into his lungs.
It takes a lot out of him, and once the nausea subsides a bit, Alvin collapses none-too-gracefully onto the tile floor. The bathroom tiles are hard but cold, and the cold is a relief against his too-warm skin. He hasn't got the strength to get up anyway, so he lets himself rest there, curled up on the floor, until the next wave strikes.
It's a struggle to get back up when it inevitably hits again, but it can't be helped. It seems to hit even harder this time, and he's left slumped over the toilet, gasping for air. His eyes are watering and his throat is burning from bile when he hears footsteps.
His eyes shift to the door and realizes he hasn't shut it fully. He curses silently and makes to get up, but before he can even start to move, Leia Rolando is staring at him with wide green eyes.
"Alvin?!"
"Hey, Leia," he manages to say, but his voice is croaky and any attempt at nonchalance is overpowered by his panting. She looks as if she's about to say something, but then she turns on her heel and runs off.
He vaguely remembers the last time someone had seen him like this. She'd turned and left too. But unlike Presa, Leia comes back. She's here to help. The thought that she could have poisoned him never once crosses his mind.
Attached to Leia's arm is Jude, whom she'd gone to fetch. Leia gives Jude a look and he gives her a curt nod; the two have been friends for so long they no longer have need for words. Alvin protests weakly, but he can barely form a coherent sentence. The two of them get to work.
Leia helps Alvin to sit up once his breathing becomes more even. He doesn't want her help – he doesn't want to need her help, anyone's help – but he feels… safe. He allows Nurse Leia to run her deft hands expertly over his forehead, his chest, his abdomen, all the while rattling off all sorts of medical jargon as Doctor Jude listens and interjects occasionally with equally technical questions.
Alvin's head is swimming and he can't make sense of anything that they are talking about, but their voices are soothing. Despite the slight furrow of his brow as the cogs in his head turn, Jude's expression is all earnest compassion. Alvin wishes he could return that warmth. Leia's hands are gentle and smooth on his skin. Alvin is exhausted and cold and wants to lean in to her touch. Alvin's expressions, though, are anything but genuine, and his hands will always be rough - all they're used for is…
Whatever Leia and Jude are discussing is interrupted as Alvin lurches forward, retching and expelling bile. He coughs up the horribly bitter substance for what seems like ages, and the painful spasms continue long after there is nothing left.
When he collapses this time, he doesn't hit the floor. There are two pairs of arms supporting him as he gasps for air: one has him in a steady embrace and the other is gently rubbing his back. He can hear gentle murmuring, and though he can't make out the words above the blood pounding in his head, the soft, reassuring tones are enough. They stay like that for a while.
As Alvin's breathing begins to even out, he leans further into the steady arms supporting him and he lets his tired eyes rest.
His mind is hazy and it's hard to make out anything or anyone, but much as he wants to, Alvin can't forget. Gilland is etched into his mind and he sees him behind his eyelids, and he can feel bruises and gashes and broken bones. He sees the ghosts of people who have hurt him; even more ghosts of people he has let down. The ship crashes and he watches helplessly as his father drowns. He watches as his mother breaks, falls apart, and forgets him. He can hear gunshots and screaming, sees Leia, sees Jude. He can smell blood. He feels the earth give way as Presa falls to her grave. He sees empty rooms and revolving doors and he can't see a way out. He feels pain, so much pain, in every part of his body, in his head and in the hollow cavity of his chest where his heart used to be. He hears himself pleading; all he wants is for it to stop.
"-vin!"
"Alvin?"
"C'mon. You've gotta wake up."
"Please, Alvin."
"Please, just open your eyes."
Alvin wakes with a start. He's shivering and sweating like crazy, but the tracks running down his cheeks are not from sweat. Ugh.
He reaches up to wipe them away, but he's beaten to it. "Alvin," Leia says softly, putting her hand to his face and brushing the tears away with her thumb. "It's okay now."
"We were so worried." Jude tightens his embrace. "You really scared us."
Alvin tries to let out a laugh. "Sorry about that." It comes out more sincere than he'd intended, so he tries again. "I just… I-" His breath hitches and he can't get any words out. He curses as he feels himself start to tear up again.
"Hey, it's okay," he hears, as Leia brings her hand back to his face, running her thumb under his eyes. Jude squeezes just a little bit tighter.
They don't force him to talk or even make eye contact, and they don't tell him how he should feel. They won't breathe a word of this to anyone else, he knows, and unless he brings it up, they'll pretend this never happened. They're content to just be here for him in this moment, and it feels like it makes his heart simultaneously constrict and relax.
Alvin stops hiding and lets himself feel.
After they sense Alvin's a bit more stable, Leia slowly gets up. Jude reconfigures his position to support him better. She promptly returns with a cool washcloth, nestles back up to Alvin and slips an arm around him. She looks at Jude and the pair shares a glance before Jude extricates himself, leaving to get some water while Leia helps to alleviate some of the uncomfortable warmth of the fever.
"Here. Drink this," Jude says as he returns, handing Alvin a glass. He takes it wordlessly but his hands are shaking so much he nearly drops it. Jude's hands guide his own back to his sides while Leia takes the glass and brings it to his lips. He hates feeling so dependent, but nonetheless he lets Jude take his hands and he lets Leia help him drink.
The shaking hands, quick breaths, and hammering heart don't escape Jude's notice. "Are you afraid?" Jude asks quietly once he is done.
Alvin looks at him, then looks away. "It was just a nightmare."
Jude surveys him cautiously, and his voice is gentle when he speaks. "I mean now."
Alvin is silent for a minute, but he eventually gives them an answer. "I- I used to be afraid of being around anyone like this," he manages to say. "But now…" He looks from Jude to Leia. "Now I have people I can feel safe around, and…" he lowers his eyes and lowers his voice, "Now I'm only afraid for the day they come to their senses and leave," he barely whispers.
He feels their arms tighten around him, snuggling up a little bit closer.
"Why would you stay?" he whispers.
"Because," Leia says simply, like it's an answer, and Jude nods.
Leia puts a hand over Alvin's, grasping like she'll never let go, while Jude smiles into his shoulder. "You have nothing to fear."