Principles of Combat

by Aunty Lala

In a Torchwood AU where Ianto Jones went to Hogwarts before joining the TW team we explore a world with magic in it where weevils are vanishing and something can't be so simple as to be a plot from a movie, can it. Another piece in the Principles puzzle.

Striding though the parking garage Jack was scanning with his wrist strap while Ianto looked around for the weevil they were following.

'You getting anything Jack?'

'Not yet. Oh, hang on.' He looked around as a weevil crossed the screen and he pointed.

'I see it.' Ianto was already running when a white van pulled up and three men in ski masks jumped out with cattle prods. He stopped, watching in disbelief as they corralled the weevil, threw a bag over it's head and tossed it in the van.

'What?'

One of the men doffed an imaginary cap before the engine was gunned and they took off.

Ianto was entering the plate number into his ever present PDA while Jack scratched his head a moment before looking to him.

'Did what I think just happened, actually happen?'

'I saw men in masks weevilnap our weevil.'

'Yeah, okay so I did see what I thought I saw. This is going to take some explaining.'

'The number plate didn't belong to the van so it wasn't a random drive by weevil snatch.'

'Because that's something people do. Call Tosh, I think she was on a date with Owen so she isn't going to be happy but we need to get onto this. I'm not sure I like the idea someone is pinching weevils.'

'Despite what Owen thinks, they don't make ideal house pets.'

'It's the teeth.' Jack looked around. 'Come on, can you pop us back to the SUV?'

'If this is just an excuse to feel my bum you could be more original.'

'Like I need an excuse.' Jack grinned as Ianto grabbed him and apparated them back to the Torchwood SUV.

-/-/-/-

Jack spun the chair around while Tosh and Ianto had a keyboard each and were running concurrent searches. CCTV footage filling the monitors around the petite woman's work station while Ianto searched medical and police records for anything that could have been weevil related. He'd called Andy while Jack was driving them back to the Hub so the policeman was also checking at the station for anything that might have been noticed but not reported. Owen walked in with the remains of his foil wrapped dinner and dropped himself into an empty chair as he watched the monitors.

'I gave my old chums at the hospital a call, if they see anything they'll let me know.'

Ianto nodded. 'I've got Andy and Detective Swanson keeping an eye open.'

Owen barked a laugh. 'That'll cost the Captain another pub lunch.'

Jack shrugged. 'I like them, even if she wont let me have Andy.' He looked up as the cog door rolled back and Jimmy walked in.

'I asked around a few of my contacts and whoever is nicking weevils isn't one of the lot I used to run with. They aren't that mental.'

Jack rubbed his face and pinched a chip of Owen. 'We also need a xenochemist or something. The weevil spray's not working or they're becoming immune. I don't like it.'

'I'll get right on that.' Ianto said as his fingers flew over the keyboard.

'Do you know someone?'

'No.'

Owen laughed. 'I'll have another crack at it I guess.'

Tosh tapped into another CCTV camera and pulled an image of the white van outside a warehouse at the docks. 'This is all I can find.'

Looking at the screen Ianto began pulling property searches for the warehouses in the surrounding area. Ignoring Jack who was not so stealthy in his appraisal of his jeans clad arse.

Owen shook his head as he followed Jack's line of sight and wished he hadn't.

'There's a couple of things here that I just don't get.' Jack started. 'Since when did people know about weevils and is this a one off or has it happened before.'

'If it has happened before we might not know since we have no way of knowing what the weevil population really is.' Owen rolled up to a keyboard and began looking for his records. 'I track what I can but that doesn't tell us how many there really are.'

'I don't like it and we need to stop it.' Jack stopped spinning and rose to his feet. 'We need to get to this warehouse and see what we can find. Ianto, Tosh, with me Jimmy on the coms and Owen.' He looked at the doctor and shook his head. 'Finish your chips, Blaine and Diane are on a retrieval, if they need back up you're it.'

-/-/-/-

Owen tossed his gloves in the bin and made a few more notes on the autopsy he'd just completed on the body found at the warehouse. Diane and Blaine where cataloguing the alien toaster that made up the latest rift gift to hit Cardiff which meant he had to put the body in the fridge himself. He'd gotten used to Blaine helping with his autopsies. He knew if he looked over at his girlfriend he'd find her working on the victims cellphone and Ianto was making coffee while Jimmy bounced ideas back and forth with Jack. He found it hard to reconcile at times, that Jimmy was older than Ianto, he blamed the suits himself.

'Admit it, they are a perfect killing machine. Claws and teeth and no human DNA.'

'Organised crime with pet weevils?' Jimmy laughed. 'Na, this is more fight club than reservoir dogs.'

'What?'

'You know, the movie, come on, it's a classic. Maybe a couple of board execs in suits decided they could go one better.'

'With weevils?'

Owen looked over and waded into the conversation. 'I duno Jack, the lad may have the right idea. You take a bunch of self indulgent wankers and what do you think they'll do if they discover something like a weevil. They're hardly going to stand around crying because they have no balls.'

'Human's.' Jack muttered. 'You take something amazing and decide to smack it around.' He looked at Jimmy. 'But why guys in suits?'

'Owen's right, something like fight club screams self entitled wanker, it's not something my former associates would do for fun on a Friday night down at the estate. Well. Not on purpose.'

Owen grinned. 'Ah, young Jim, what would we do without you.'

'Fetch your own fish and chips.' He said with a smile.

Owen shook his head. 'You have been spending too much time with Ianto.'

'Thank you kids, so if you were going to set something like this up, what would you need?'

'Your head read for starters. But you'd want space, somewhere you can park your fancy car and not have anyone finding you.' Jimmy stated.

'And.' Owen added. 'Board idiots.'

Tosh began pulling up CCTV footage of the area around the warehouse the body was found in. 'Most of them have the same signs, Lynchfrost Enterprises.'

Ianto set a mug of green tea on her desk along with a plate of biscuits. 'Makes sense, access to space and mixing in the sort of social circles self entitled types would move in. Of course it's a hell of an assumption we're all making. When has anything ever been this easy to work out.'

'I agree.' Jack toyed with the idea. 'But we still need to look into this Lynchfrost outfit since they have their name all over the warehouse. I'm just not sure about a weevil fight club, it's too stupid to be an idea.'

Jimmy laughed. 'Those are usually the best ones.'

'We need too get into Lynchfrost Enterprises and see if anything other than Jimmy's dreadful taste in movies is at play here.'

'Oh come on, Fight Club is a cult classic.'

Owen nodded. 'First rule of fight club is never talk about fight club.'

Jack snorted. 'I've never had too many challenges getting someone to talk.'

'Not everything can be solved with a wink and dropping your trousers.' Owen snarked.

Jack winked at the doctor. 'You'd be surprised.'

'I'm not sure I would.' Owen muttered as he leaned over and snagged a jammy dodger off Tosh's desk.

Jack looked to Ianto who smirked over the rim of his coffee cup.

'We need to get a look at the computers at Lynchfrost.'

Typing Tosh shook her head. 'I need access to their servers.'

'You can't hack into his system?'

'I've looked and everything I can find is squeaky clean so either there isn't anything on the work computer or I'm missing something and I need someone in the office to work that out.'

'So who's going undercover then?' Owen looked around as everyone looked at him. 'Oh hell no.'

Jack shook his head. 'Sorry buddy but you're the biggest wanker we know. And before you say anything to further prove the point, Ianto and I were there when the weevil was nabbed and Tosh was at the warehouse with us. So we've all been seen but you haven't, and I know we have on occasion taken young Jim with us he isn't here as a field agent.' He held his hand up as Blaine was about to say something. 'Oh no you don't, you and Diane need to be ready in case the rift spits out any more of those stupid toasters.'

Owen rolled his eyes. 'So what do I have to do?'

'Just be your usual charming self.'

'Yeah alright, go easy. Besides, someone needs to interview this idiot.' Owen typed a name into Tosh's computer. 'Unlike our friend in my fridge, this moron seems to have survived.' He pulled the medical files up and stepped back. 'Buggered if I know how, according to one of my old classmates he had ten hours of surgery but he's still breathing.'

Jack looked at Ianto. 'Fancy a trip to the hospital?'

'You take me to all the best places Sir.'

'Tosh, Owen, set something up to get an in with the estate agent, we've got visiting hours to catch.'

-/-/-/-

Owen shook his head before heading into the bar to meet Mark Lynch for a drink. It wasn't one of his usual haunts from back in his bar hopping days. This was the sort of bar where they added two quid to the price of everything and served honey roasted nuts and had napkins. Which was probably just as well, meant he was less likely to be recognised. He approached the bar and noted the little cocktail napkins as predicted and ordered a whiskey. He threw a few twenty pound notes down and looked around. Knocking his drink back he gave himself a congratulatory smile as Mark Lynch headed towards him. If he was going to play the wanker he was going to do it properly.

'Give us another one would you, and one for this ugly tosser here.'

Lynch laughed. 'I knew I'd like you.' Accepting the drink and raising his glass in a toast.

Owen's eyes were drawn to the abrasions on his hands. 'You box do you?'

'Sort of, you?'

'I just look scrawny me. My mother was a bit of a cow so I spent most of my time running wild on the streets. I got smacked around less once I learned how to throw a punch.' He shrugged. 'You learn to adapt.'

'Okay, so why jellied eels.'

'Why not.' He shrugged. 'To be honest I lost a bet. But the old guy who's company it was liked me and apparently I had an aptitude for the business so here I am.'

'Exporting jellied eels.'

'It keeps a roof over my head and they can't get enough of the stuff overseas.' He looked around and grimaced. 'Please tell me there's more to do in this shit hole than get rat faced.'

Lynch shrugged. 'I might know of a few things happening. What where you after?'

'Something more exciting than watered down whiskey.'

'Alright.' He pulled a card out of his pocket. 'Text your name to this number and you'll be sent directions to a private location. Bring plenty of cash and we'll show you something you've never seen before.'

'If it's your dick I'm not interested.'

Lynch laughed as he clapped him on the shoulder. 'Not even if you paid me a million quid.'

'So what's the dress code to this soiree then?'

He took in Owen's dress pants, shirt and leather jacket and smiled. 'What you're wearing now is fine.'

'Alright, stow the flirting you're still not my type. Should I bring a date?'

'If you want.' Lynch rose to his feet and gave Owen an appraising smile before walking away.

Owen finished his whiskey and asked for a receipt to keep Ianto happy before heading back to the Hub. Clicking his comms on once he was out of sight.

'Alright love? You get that?' He grinned at Tosh's laughter as he hailed a cab back to the Plass. Texting the number as instructed.

Standing at her side Jimmy shook his head.

'He seemed to enjoy letting his inner wanker out to play.'

Tosh laughed. 'Careful Jimmy, anyone would think you liked him.'

'Oh give over, he's like the uncle my mother's ashamed of because he's in prison.'

She laughed. 'Ah ha. You get anything interesting from Jack and Ianto?'

'Yeah, that I'd want someone else to visit me if I ended up in hospital.'

'They are quite the double act aren't they.'

'They sure are something. The guy claimed he was mugged and is an idiot who's lucky to be alive. I also think Ianto ate his grapes.'

Owen strode into the Hub and grinned as he saw Diane in a flowing red dress waiting for him.

'Wow, did you wear that for little old me?' Owen gave her a kiss on the cheek. 'You look gorgeous and if I wasn't with Tosh I'd totally make a play for you.'

She slapped his arm. 'Ianto organised this for me and said I needed to wear it so what's up?'

'We think someone is pinching weevils off the streets and best guess is it's for some sort of fight club thing but I think that's bollocks myself.'

'Who comes up with this stuff?'

Owen shrugged. 'Beats the hell out of me. Like I said, I think it's a stupid idea so of course it's probably right.' He shook his head.

Ianto walked in with a garment bag and an envelope. 'I know from what Tosh told me the dress code isn't that formal but you need to match Diane.' He handed the envelope over. 'And don't bloody lose this.'

Owen opened the envelope and flicked though the wad of cash whistling. 'Is this real?'

'Of course not so try not to actually spend it.'

'You have counterfeit money lying around?'

'It's a spell, they used something similar at one of the quiditch world cups a few years ago. It will disappear in a few hours.'

Owen shrugged as he turned to Diane. 'Sorry love, I wont be buying you a fancy dinner after all.'

She laughed. 'I've eaten. You go get dressed.'

-/-/-/-

Owen walked into a warehouse with Diane on his arm, leaning in his voice low. 'Do I want to know where your gun is.'

She laughed as if he'd said something funny. 'No, you don't.'

'Yeah, I thought as much.'

They looked around as they walked though a warehouse and into another room where men where fighting each other.

Owen was about to say something when Mark Lynch approached them.

'Colour me impressed Mr Harper.'

Owen gave him a cocky smile. 'Diane Holmes, Mark Lynch.' He looked around at the men fighting. 'Please tell me this gets more exciting. I've got pay per view back at mine and I don't have to wear pants if I pull the curtains.'

'Oh this is just the warm up. The main event's this way.' He walked them into another room. 'We are the dispossessed now Owen. All the certainties our fathers had are gone.'

Crossing the room there was a group standing around a cage, blocking the contents from view.

'We are a generation of no faith, not in society, religion or even life. All we can do is reduce ourselves to the basics. Come on.'

The crowd parted around them revealing someone in a cage. With a weevil.

They watched as the man ran around the cage trying to avoid the weevil begging to be let out.

'What the fuck is that?'

'Are you telling me you don't know?'

'It's not like I've seen that on animal planet now, have I.'

'We all have our theories as to what it is, took five of us to capture the first one. Vicious and primitive and I don't half wonder if that isn't what we will become if we ever let go of the trappings of society. Boil us all down so only the rage exists and maybe this is us.' He grinned, throwing his arms wide as he spun around.

Owen shook his head. 'And you get in a cage with it?' You are either high or barking.'

'Thousand pounds to enter the cage and whoever lasts the longest takes the pot. Less a cut to the house of course.' He turned to Owen and Diane. 'It's the ultimate extreme sport. We live in a society with too much disposable income and not enough meaning.'

Owen considered what he was hearing and how to play it as he looked around. 'I guess I did ask you to show me something to do in Cardiff.'

'Funny thing is.' Lynch walked around them. 'I think you know more about what that thing is than we do. I mean, the website, it's good but jellied eels?'

'I don't know what you're talking about.'

'I did a bit of digging on you, Doctor Owen Harper.'

'Nope, I'm just a self entitled wanker from East London.'

'Oh come on, don't try and con me. I can smell a rat a mile away.' He pulled a gun out. 'And I think you should get in the cage next.' He pointed the gun at Diane. 'Or I'll shoot the pretty lady.'

'Wow, you really don't play well with others.' Owen muttered as he watched Diane who stood at his side cool as a cucumber. 'What do you reckon darling. Should I get in the cage with the beastie?'

She shrugged. 'I was promised dancing so make it quick.'

'Alright.' Owen smiled as he turned back to Lynch and moved to disarm him.

Grabbing the gun he pulled the taller man towards him. 'You moron, that thing in the cage already killed one man, maybe more. You self entitled prick, you could have joined a gym.' He watched as the people in the room were frozen in place and Jack and Ianto came striding towards him.

'And you thought the weevil was your biggest problem.'

'Who are you?'

Ianto groaned as Jack grinned. 'He loves this bit.'

'We're Torchwood. Outside the Government, beyond the police, tracking down alien life on earth and arming the human race against the future. The twenty first century is where it all changes and it's our job to be ready.'

Lynch shook his head. 'You don't actually believe that.'

'That's the least crazy thing I've got.' Jack shrugged. 'I'm from the future, Diane's from the past and Ianto here, not only does he look good in a suit he also manages to get us where we need to be and the coffee is, simply orgasmic.'

'I try Sir, but that is bordering on harassment.'

'I'll take you home later and show you harassment.'

'I shall hold you to that Sir, but should we get back to the attacking?'

'Fine, why don't you go and do your memory whammy thing on that lot and we'll deal with this idiot.'

'What are you going to do? Charge me with possession of a monster.'

'Ah darn, I hate it when they figure that bit out.' He snapped his fingers. 'Good thing we're above the police. I'm sure we can find a nice little dark hole to keep you in.'

Lynch began struggling as Jack snapped cuffs on him.

'You can't do this, I'm a prominent business man and I have rights.'

Jack leaned in and spoke with quiet authority. 'You really haven't been paying attention, we are above the police, this isn't going to trial and you have no rights. We make sure things like this don't get out there. People aren't ready to know aliens exist.'

'Aliens? Now who's mental.'

'That thing in the cage wasn't originally from here and you get your hands on it and decide to have a cage fight. I'm not the mental one.'

'What are you going to do with me?'

'Take you home, ask you some questions, maybe wipe your memories and dump you in Providence Park, probably.'

Mark Lynch began struggling and pulled away from Jack and Owen, he tried to run but was tripped by Diane.

She shook her head. 'Men.' She smoothed the dress and looked over at Ianto who had finished with modifying memories and was rejoining them. 'I get to keep the dress, right.'

Ianto smiled. 'Of course.'

Shaking his head Owen tapped his comms and called in to Tosh. 'Can you check for this douche bag's properties in case he's got crap at his home we should find before the police do. Then maybe give Swanson a call if the tea boy hasn't already.'

Ianto leaned down and picked Lynch up and looked to Jack who grabbed their criminal masterminds other arm.

'We'll get this one back to the Hub, the weevil will need to come with us as well. I don't know if we can release him.' Jack sighed. 'We can't risk him attacking people.' He looked at Lynch and shook his head. 'What where you thinking?'

Walking beside Owen Diane shook her head. 'What I don't get, is how Ianto was able to guess my measurements to get a dress that fits so perfectly.'

Owen shrugged. 'Hell if I know love but you look a knock out in it. Come on, I want to get home.'

Jack leaned against the rails as he watched his team. In the Hub below Ianto handed a garment bag to Tosh who peeked in and looked up with a grin.

'Thank you Jack.'

He waved to his technical genius and smiled. 'It was Ianto's idea, you should put it on and finish your date with Owen.'

She brushed a kiss on Ianto's check before heading to the staff locker room after having a word with Owen and Diane.

Climbing the stairs Ianto joined Jack.

'They are meeting Andy and heading into town.' He watched as Jack's eyebrow went up.

'Andy and Diane?'

Jack's question was met with a welsh shrug.

'She had dinner with Rhys the other night.'

'Well, the accent is pretty hard to resist.'

'I understand it's the vowels, Sir.' Ianto kept his expression blank as his voice dropped into a purr.

A slow smile curled across Jack's face. 'I've heard that somewhere.'

Ianto laughed. 'I'm sure you have.'

'And our guest? Before I let you take advantage of your vowels and have your way with me.'

'In a cell with Janet and our new friend on either side of him.'

'Alright, he can be tomorrow's problem.' He reached out and took Ianto's hand in his. 'The question is, do we stay in or dress up and go dancing with the rest of the kids?'

'That could be fun.' Leaning in Ianto smiled, his voice a dark purr. 'And afterwards we can get back to the part where I have my way with you.'