a question of distance
a/n: there are no actual, explicit lemony scenes here, but there are several short descriptions and dirty implications, hence the rating. plus i'm a walking talking cluster f-bomb, and it shows in my writing. lol. enjoy.
i.
a poet once said that the beginning comprises the end as much as it dictates the middle. you are not a man of poetry, but you understand that it is important to know where this starts.
she is the one who makes the suggestion.
"it is more convenient this way, yes?"
"be honest with yourself, china. you just want to fuck me."
"only because there is no one else, idiot sadist. and it's not like you don't want to do me, yes?"
you do. her transformation from slightly adorable to devastatingly beautiful annoys you to no end. but you don't tell her that. you don't tell her a lot of things.
this is only fair, because even though you have been friends for several years now, sometimes you are still unable to read her. she has a doll's face, sweet and mocking at the same time. if she has any ulterior motives, you can't see them.
you establish that you are not in love with each other, that she is saving her heart for someone else, someone better. someone who doesn't put tabasco in her food. someone who is not you.
and you—do you even know how to love other people?
sure you do.
you make up rules. there are the usual safety precautions to prevent any untoward accidents. then there are additional provisions to ensure that this is just for fun and nothing else. nothing else.
do not stay over unless absolutely necessary.
no kissing unless it's part of the act.
do not linger.
there are many more, but it all boils down to this: the moment something else enters the equation, things will stop being fun.
"oi, shouldn't we have an expiration date? we're not gonna do this forever, you know."
"we are starting this because we want to, yes? then we shall end it for the same reason."
it seems she understands poetry better than you do.
the first time is neither your first time nor hers. you don't know how you feel about that. neither does she.
this is the first red flag. granted, it's very small, so your obliviousness is excusable.
you have never seen her naked before. so when she asks you to take her clothes off, you do it slowly, as if you will never get the chance to do so again. you are not a man of poetry, but the words that enter your mind when you see all of her come pretty damn close.
this is the second red flag.
maybe you shouldn't have waited for the third.
or the fourth.
or the millionth little flag you will choose to ignore.
ii.
you don't call her by her name, and she doesn't call you by yours.
even in bed. especially in bed.
instead, you curse. you name her china girl, bitch, sometimes cunt, sometimes all three at once. she calls you jerk, asshole, shithead, sadist, bastard, jackass, and many other names that all mean one thing: you are not a good person.
and when you're inside her, you say fuck, you say shit, you say godfuckdamn, then fuck again. (it is a good word for people like you.)
as for her, well. mostly she is wordless.
iii.
"are you not even going to ask why i wanted to do this?"
"why would i, china? i get laid, that's all that matters."
"since you are so desperate to know, i will tell you, yes?"
"who the hell are you talking to?"
"...it is because i was horny."
"why the fuck are you saying that like it's some kind of revelation?"
"you are a big idiot, yes? you do not understand the subtleties of a maiden!"
"what maiden? whatever you look like, china, you'll always be a gorilla."
"what do you mean 'whatever you look like'?"
iv.
at this point, several things are known to you:
in a fight, she will kill everything just to be on top.
in bed she will almost always pull you on top of her.
she frequently aims for the head when kicking.
she likes your hair. the length of it wound around her wrists. but she likes it better when you pull hers hard enough to hurt and feel good at the same time.
she aims for the chest when hitting with the base of her palm. it has broken many of your ribs in the past, but when has that ever stopped you from going back to her?
her neck is a crumbling bridge under your teeth. the arch of it. that voice in pieces. surely nothing is better than this.
v.
she falls asleep beside you and you don't wake her up to send her off. you pretend that her staying over is absolutely necessary.
you stare resolutely at the ceiling, trying not to pay attention to snores loud enough to wake an army of the dead and call them to battle. she snuggles against your side and you become acutely aware of her bare skin pressed against yours.
you refuse to watch her sleep.
vi.
the yorozuya. the boss spending the night somewhere else, the glasses at his sister's place. all the lights inside the house turned off. her on the couch, leafing through the boss' copy of the latest jump. you closing the door behind you as quietly as you can.
she perks up at your entrance, her eyes bright in the dark. you wait as she walks up to you, your eyes following her silhouette.
"hey, asshole," she says, and kisses you.
as you open your mouth to hers, it occurs to you that you should have forbidden kissing, no matter what the circumstances.
but rational thinking is not one of your strengths.
you separate, your breaths warm on each other's cheeks.
"let's do it on the boss' desk," you whisper out of nowhere.
her eyes widen, and her mouth twitches. "people will hear us, yes?"
you can see the sharp lines of her face. the way they cradle her skull, the rivers of her hair. "only if you're loud, china girl."
of course, she takes this as a challenge.
the desk creaks like it's going to break as you thrust into her. you bury every grunt into the nape of her neck, and she moans around the crumpled panties stuffed into her mouth.
you are pretty sure you wake up at least one person in that building, but no one interrupts you.
in the morning, the boss interrogates her regarding the gouge marks on his desk.
you don't ask what excuse she makes up.
vii.
you watch your favorite soap opera while she is showering, and she bursts out of your bathroom, covered in nothing but a towel. she rushes to your side and grips your arm. "i forgot they are airing the next episode today!" she shrieks.
"get your wet hands off me, china."
naturally, this makes her throw her arms around you. the two of you grapple on the floor, and soon you give up trying to save your clothes, she tears them off you, she rides you to kingdom come, and the episode finishes with neither of you getting to watch it.
she lies limp on your chest. "this is all your fault, yes?"
"how is this my fault, you brat? you started this!"
she sits up and looks at you for a while. you have no idea what the hell she's thinking. "you will not watch the next episode without me, yes?"
you find yourself touching the ends of her hair. you have no idea what the hell you're thinking, either. "whatever shuts you up, china girl."
viii.
on your day off, your gorilla of a commander hauls you and your mayo addict of a vice-commander to a new maid café because the female gorilla he's been stalking is apparently working there as a temp while the owner looks for permanent workers.
you drag your feet. you wanted to spend the day napping or training, since the yorozuya has a job and china girl isn't there for you to annoy or fuck. you try to stab hijikata-san in the back on your way there to lift your spirits. you fail to kill him, but you do pierce a hole in his bottle of mayonnaise, thereby ruining his entire day. it makes you a little happier.
when you reach the café, however, the sight that greets you propels you from happy to ecstatic.
"welcome, uglies. i do not feel like serving you, yes? go die."
"kagura-chan! you're supposed to say 'master'! 'master'! and don't tell your customers to die!"
she sees you, and the look of utter devastation in her eyes makes you grin. "you heard him, china. call me 'master'. we haven't tried that one, anyway."
both of your superiors look immensely disturbed by the implications. she opens her mouth to say something (300 yen says it isn't 'master'), but the female gorilla flies out of nowhere and kicks kondo-san right in the face, sending him flying back outside with a crash. said gorilla claps her hands together, smiling, and looks at you and hijikata-san. "oh my. such handsome masters. please, take a seat."
hijikata-san looks like he wants to leave. but this is too good. you let yourself be seated, smirking at china girl the entire time, and hijikata-san follows reluctantly.
"what the hell are these people doing here?" he asks, eyeing the boss and the glasses, both of whom are apparently women now, if the wigs and fake boobs are any indication.
"working, hijibaka. are you stupid? yes. yes, you are." your gaze is on china. she looks really nice as a maid, and you decide that your life will not be complete if you don't fuck her while she's in that outfit.
hijikata-san, like the boring guy that he is, orders his usual, and you order iced tea. china girl's face twitches as she notes these down, and she makes a last-minute attempt to stab you with the pen before she leaves. you dodge, resisting the urge to catch her wrist. you'll go all out later.
"sougo," hijikata-san says. "are you…" he waves vaguely between you and china. "are you two…"
he doesn't finish the sentence and you don't feel like completing it for him. fortunately, she comes back with water and your iced tea and slams the glasses on the table, shattering all of them and sending the drinks and glass shards flying everywhere. the resulting splash stains her uniform.
your china girl. so predictable.
you take her drenched hand before she can say anything. slowly, you lick and suck on her fingers one by one, then her palm, keeping your gaze on hers.
"wha—"
you can feel every soul in the establishment staring at you, but all that matters is that her cheeks are red and her mouth is parted and she's not stopping you.
you stop, running your tongue over your teeth. "delicious."
dead silence. her eyes are almost black.
then: "gin-chan, i have to take a bathroom break, yes?"
the boss wakes up and his bokuto nigh flies to his hand as he charges, screaming about insolent, perverted souichiro-kun, whoever that is, and china stops him with an unrestrained punch to his face.
the bathroom break is long. the only thing she takes off is her underwear, but you don't gag her with it because she wants your fingers in her mouth while you bend her over the counter. you watch each other in the mirror while you fuck, and something in the back of your mind tells you you are going to be very scared much, much later, when you think back to this moment.
she never calls you master, but you don't care. you don't care.
afterwards, the enraged boss tries to kill you, the glasses attempts and fails to stop him, and you have fun protecting yourself while she munches on her favorite snack, shouting advice to her earth dad, who in turn shouts back at her that she is grounded as fuck. she calls him a baldy and thus starts a screaming match. the boss manages to argue with her and hurt you pretty bad at the same time.
the maid café is no more and hijikata-san wants to arrest everyone, including himself.
ix.
"once papi finds out, it will only be a matter of time before he kills you, just like the first one."
beat.
"the first one?'
beat.
beat.
beat.
"oh," she says.
beat.
"he did not really kill him, by the way."
"as if we can arrest the umibouzu even if we wanted to."
beat.
"so who was he? the first one."
it's not like you're jealous or anything. you're not one of those people who place an unrealistically high value on people's virginities. you can't even remember the name of the girl you lost your virginity to.
"nobody important," she says, but her voice tells you he was not nobody important at all.
and you finally understand: he is where this really began.
x.
in your bathroom. her, in the shower. you just beyond the shower curtain, taking a leak.
"ew, sadist! are you peeing?! while i am here?! you have no respect for a maiden's privacy and delicate sensibilities, yes?"
"your sensibilities are about as delicate as a hippo. and this is my bathroom, china. you don't like how i do things, feel free to get out."
"are you picking a fight, you damn brat?"
you finish your business and eye the shower curtain. "why, you want me to get in there?"
"maybe i do, asshole!"
her hand grasps your hair while you pound into her from behind. her moans echo all around you, and for a second, you are almost sure you hear her say your name.
but that can't be right.
xi.
she stretches on your futon, lazing around as usual. you don't bother pretending that her staying over is necessary. it's not that important of a rule.
"sadiiiist."
you give your katana a once-over and continue oiling it. "you look like a slug, china."
"i want to go out."
"good. your useless ass is taking up space in my home."
she flops onto her stomach and glares at you. "take me shopping."
"haa? what am i, your sugar daddy?"
"you might as well be! you are an old geezer and you are using me for my body, yes? you must pay for defiling a beautiful maiden, at least."
you can feel a headache building between your eyes. "we're only four years apart, stupid brat. and you're also using me for my body. so where's my payment, huh?"
"well, my body is better than yours!"
you finish with your katana and set it aside. you can never resist a challenge. "oh really?"
it's been a while since you had a fight without it leading to sex, and it does not disappoint. nothing beats hand-to-hand combat with her.
when it ends in another draw, you tell her, "i won that one."
"gin-chan said that idiots make a habit of lying to themselves."
"the boss doesn't know everything, stupid."
"well, you don't know anything, stupid!"
"is that really how you should talk to your sugar daddy?"
what is wrong with you?
she sits up, looking excited. "so you are taking me shopping, yes?"
you think it is better that you take it back, but she has such a big grin on her face that even your sadism would not be able to handle it disappearing. "don't get any ideas, china. you're just annoying when you mope."
she leans down and kisses you. "you're such a tsundere, sadist."
you both freeze when you realize what she has done.
your quick thinking saves you: you pull her back down for another kiss, pushing her onto her back. she catches on and wraps her legs around your waist, her hips grinding against yours.
you are much slower than usual. you didn't think it was possible to pretend to have sex while actually having sex, but there you go.
xii.
apparently, her definition of 'shopping' is just restaurant hopping, with her pausing to admire the clothes displayed at the shops you pass by on your way to the next place.
you hold her hand, your fingers twined with hers, to slow her down. you wait for her to break your wrist, or yell at you in disgust, or simply say something, anything about it.
but she doesn't do any of these things, and neither of you let go.
xiii.
to keep it from getting too personal, you sometimes do it at the hotel.
you meet somewhere nearby and inconspicuous, enter, pay, go to your room, get naked, fuck, catch your breaths, maybe fuck again, catch more of the breaths you have allowed to escape and maybe cop a little feel because you love playing with her tits, probably fuck again if you're not too tired, take a bath together and fight over the showerhead, try not to destroy the showerhead, wash each other, dry off, get dressed, leave, almost kiss each other goodbye, and part ways.
xiv.
once, you do kiss each other goodbye.
the way her fingers cup your jaw. the tip of her nose cold against yours. the reluctance in your separation. surely nothing is better than this.
xv.
you are holding her hand (since she won't wear a leash) as you walk her back home when you bump into him.
"ah, kagura!"
the way her name rolls off his tongue. (you could never do that, could you?) the way she jerks upright and tightens her grip. the rod that has replaced her spine.
you watch them exchange pleasantries, quiet and with a smirk frozen into place. when she introduces you, she stutters over your name like she's not sure if it's worth saying. you hear his name, but you know you will never call him by it, even in your head. in your head he is simply someone better. he doesn't ask what you are to her, but eyes your joined hands.
you watch her face as she talks to him. she blushes and tucks her hair behind her ear. she bites her lip and ducks her head. she looks at him from under her eyelashes. her hand twitches, so you let her go.
they both look at you.
"i have to go kill a mayo addict, china. i'm already behind schedule as it is."
you walk away. you focus your mind on plotting an assassination, not letting yourself relax for even one moment. you know that if you let even a single stray thought about china girl slip into your head, you will unravel.
later that night, she comes to you, looking just a little sad. you don't talk, you don't argue, and you are almost gentle when you fuck. her eyes are closed the entire time.
when you're done, you flop onto your back beside her. the sound of your breaths billow in the lightless room, in the empty air and empty silence. you say, "i was pretty good for a temp, wasn't i, china?"
that is all it takes for her to start crying.
there must be a hundred apologies mixed in there along with her sobs, but you don't know if they're for you, and even if they are, you're not really sure what they are for.
so you don't say anything at all.
xvi.
it wasn't something else that ruined the fun. it was just someone else. someone better. someone who doesn't piss her off just by breathing. someone who is not you.
xvii.
"we should stop seeing each other, yes?"
"since when were we seeing each other, stupid?"
"…are you not going to ask why?"
you, the picture of nonchalance: "why would i, china? i finally get rid of you, that's what matters."
xviii.
huh. so you do know how to love other people.
xix.
you have been patrolling more than usual. well, not entirely patrolling. more like wandering aimlessly. retracing your steps. avoiding hers. avoiding his. breaking fights and resisting the fierce urge to start one.
when you find yourself at the yorozuya for the nth time, you take a taxi before anyone can see you there. the driver asks where. you tell him to just drive, and the bazooka you're carrying dissuades further questions.
you don't talk except to give directions. you are thinking of the phrase 'friends with benefits' and wondering if it's synonymous in any way with 'replacement' or 'substitute' or 'temporary' or 'if you had followed all the rules you would not be feeling this way now, you fucking idiot'.
the city is a blur beyond the windows. you point at the alleys and streets you want to pass through. the radio is playing some song in a foreign language you don't understand. the day is dying and you are no closer to what you're looking for.
what are you looking for?
you ask the driver to stop.
he looks at you. "uh, sir, isn't this where i picked you up?"
you pay him. "yep. problem?"
you get off and the taxi hightails it out of there. you glance briefly at the yorozuya's place, then continue patrolling.
xx.
here's the thing: you know that ownership is sacred. that she is too filthy for claiming.
here's another thing: the end of the world is when she's coming on your tongue and biting her knuckles so hard they bleed just so she won't scream your name.
here's one last thing: the world restarting is when you lick the blood off her hand while she watches you and you watch the rise of her chest and the fall of it. you will do anything to keep this going.
here's the real last thing: she probably has no qualms screaming his name. to him there is no filth. to him she is sweetness thrashing on the sheets.
okay, this is really the last thing: you don't mind the filth. you want it back.
xxi.
night. after your resolution. (you decide that you will go to her, you will tell her she is a cunt because she fucks you and your heart, and you will kiss her until you own her, which is never, so this means you can kiss her forever, after all.)
you walk up the steps to the yorozuya just as he is walking down.
ah, well.
xxii.
you don't call dibs on people. you choose them.
xxiii.
"sadist!"
she nearly tears your door down, and you have barely just stood up when she tackles you. you catch her instinctively. she winds her legs around you and kisses you on the mouth like she's going to die if she doesn't.
you can't process what is happening. she stops for a moment and glares at you. "this is all your fault, stupid idiot sadist!"
you have no idea what she's talking about.
"you ruined me! you ruined everything, yes?!"
what, is she pregnant or something?
"i can no longer screw other people, yes? it is all your fault!"
you somehow find your voice. "what the fuck are you talking about? did your vagina close up to stop idiots like you from procreating? there's still your mouth and your ass and maybe some yato hole you never told me about, isn't there?"
she keeps screaming in your face. "you are as rude and vulgar as ever, yes?! my vagina is still open, stupid! and yato holes are not a thing! what i am saying is you have ruined men for me! now there is no one else i want, yes?"
oh.
her gaze is steady. your silence makes her lower her voice. "he was nice to me. he was sweet and gentle. he made me feel like a princess, yes?"
you gag a little. "you? a princess?"
she bites your nose, you nibble her lip, and you end up making out for a bit.
she pulls away. "do not interupt me, sadist!"
"well hurry up, you're heavy."
she lets this pass, raising her chin as if she is above such pettiness. "he was perfect, yes? like the type anego told me is worth marrying. so i was upset when he dumped me, yes?"
you say nothing.
"when i saw him again, i thought i would—" she hesitates here.
"—pick up where you left off." you feel her squirming, and a light blush tints her cheeks.
"yes," she says. "but i realized that things are—um—different. after—well—you."
you don't know how to handle a conversation like this. you don't know how to act smug and superior when your arms are full of idiocy and filth and gorilla genes and loveliness and her.
so you try to carry her to your bedroom, ripping her clothes off with your teeth, but you don't make it there.
you pin her down on the floor and fuck the daylights out of her. you watch her face as she curses, apologizes, tells you she loves you, takes it back, calls you a baldy, begs you to fuck her harder, and apologizes again.
there is not enough breath to tell her to shut the hell up, but there is enough to say her name. over and over and over, until you fully understand that you cannot own her, whatever you do, but you can go home to her.
"china," you say when you are both spent and unable to move. "you know that something else we said would ruin the fun of our little arrangement? well, i think i feel that something else—"
she headbutts you and you nearly fall unconscious. "i love you too, stupid."
end
a/n: cheesy ending but i don't care. we need more fluff in our lives. and i gotta say, trying to write with a plot in mind but no outline is totally not for me, as you guys can see. ah well. do let me know what you think.