Can't Cry These Tears
"Abbie, please don't"
"Don't what, Jack"
"You can't leave me"
"Just watch me"
"Abbie, honey, sweetie, I need you"
"Get over it, Jack. I'm leaving and there's nothing you can do about it"
Abbie Carmichael picked up her already packed overnight bag, slid her woollen jacket from the coat rack and made her way to the door. Her body swaying in time with the music in her head. Jack McCoy could do nothing but watch as she turned the handle and walked casually from his apartment.
The door swung slowly shut behind her, by the time she heard it click she was almost at the elevator. By the time the doors slid shut behind her in the empty elevator, salty teardrops were sliding down her face. She didn't bother to wipe them away, she didn't try to hold them in, nor did she want to.
Jack McCoy had been her boss long before he had been her friend. And he had been her friend long before he had been her lover. Whether she liked it or not, Jack McCoy had become a huge part of her life. It had all started when she'd been assigned to work with him. Things sure had changed since then.
Tears burned her cheeks, dropping to the pavement. Did she really want to leave him? Especially over something as stupid as him forgetting dinner. She wasn't sure. In her heart she knew the truth. She never wanted to leave Jack. Never. But her head was telling another story. Leave him now, before any more damage is done, before he hurts you anymore. He will.
She didn't care if he hurt her she thought as she ambled along the street, not sure where she was heading. Not really sure of anything much at all. She didn't really want to leave Jack. She loved him more than life itself. 'It's better this way' she kept telling herself. Maybe in time she would come to believe it.
Abbie didn't remember consciously deciding to go there, but soon she found herself walking up the front steps and into a most familiar building. She took in the empty marble foyer before stepping into the elevator. She punched the small number twelve as more tears streamed down her face. The elevator dinged and the doors slid open. She stepped from the elevator into the empty hallway. Maroon carpet and dark walls stretched before her. She traced familiar steps down the hallway and into her office.
The mahogany door closed behind her and she finally allowed herself to totally break down. She dropped her overnight bag on the couch and slid down the wall till she reached the ground. Loud, powerful sobs wracked her entire body. With every sob her entire body convulsed.
What had just happened with Jack made the whole thing a lot easier to decide. She would tell him on Monday. She'd square it with Adam too.
No one knew not even Adam and Jack. Especially not Adam and Jack. She hadn't told anyone about the phone call three days ago. She'd thought about it constantly though.
The tears continued to fall, even after she'd made her decision. She knew it would be hard. She knew she'd be leaving a lot behind. She knew she'd be leaving Jack behind. And that was the hardest thing of all. She had to keep telling herself that it was for the best. And eventually she almost believed it.
- - - -
"Adam, I need to talk to you" Abbie waltzed into Adam Schiff's office bright and early on Monday morning. Jack was in court trying a particularly difficult case. Abbie had an arraignment hearing at nine, it had all gone well, so by nine thirty Abbie was ready to talk to Adam.
"Oh, yes Abbie, well done with that verdict from the other day."
"Thanks Adam, but that's not why I'm here" Abbie stood framed in the doorway, and everything about her posture told Adam that she meant business. Her face was set in a blank expression, one he'd seen often enough to know that there was a war going on inside.
"Come in and sit down"
"Thanks Adam" Once she was comfortably seated, Adam gestured towards the bottle of scotch he kept on his desk, Abbie shook her head and braced herself for what she was about to say. "Look Adam. The other day I got a phone call from the US Attorney's Office. They offered me a job in Houston, working in major federal crimes" Abbie, pauses to gauge Adam's reaction "I think I'm going to take it"
For a moment Adam stares at her as if trying to figure out whether she's serious or not. He must decide she is. "Well, Abbie, I knew we wouldn't be able to keep you forever." Abbie nods "Have you talked to McCoy about this?"
"Not yet. I wanted to wait until it was final"
"Okay. It's you decision, but talk to him soon"
"Sure Adam"
- - - -
The sheet of paper stares up at her. She's almost memorised the number. She's been staring at it for half an hour now. She's made up her mind. She's leaving. But she still can't bring herself to make the call that will finalize it.
She knows that once she's made the call there will be no turning back. She knows that it will be the start of a new life for her. She's worked with Jack for several years now, is she ready to throw it away over one stupid fight? Does she really want to give it all up? The arraignments, the late nights working on cases, the talks, the coffee, the friendship, and later the sex. God, she doesn't want to give it all up. But she knows she has to.
She feels tears come into her eyes as she thinks about the past few years. The good, the bad. Jack. Everything. Tears slide down her face, as she tries to suppress her sobs. The memories keep coming and her tears keep falling.
She doesn't know how long she cries. It could be five minutes, it could be five hours. A knock on her office door brings her from her reverie, with a start. "Just a minute" she manages to choke out, as she hurriedly wipes the tears from her eyes. No one could she her like this, if they did it would wreck her hard-assed ADA image forever. Not that it mattered she reminded herself. She would be leaving soon. Maybe.
"Come in" she says, her voice still a little shaky. As the door opens she quickly shoves the phone number in front of her under a pile of papers. When she looks up again, she finds the person she least wanted to see silhouetted in the doorway. Jack McCoy, looking tired and worn-out but with the familiar glint that means he's just won a case.
"Abbie, I want to apologise" he begins tentatively, but is cut off by Abbie.
"No Jack, not this time, I've accepted your apologies up until now." She says angrily
"Not anymore." She continues more quietly "I can't Jack. Not this time. It hurts too much. I just can't handle it. It's over between us Jack"
"But, Abbie. I…"
"Just go. Just leave me alone" Abbie yells, fighting back more tears. With one regretful glance Jack McCoy walks out of her office, hardly putting up a fight.
- - - -
It seems to ring forever until finally a young sugary sweet female voice is heard at the other end of the line "Good morning this is the Houston Federal Crimes Task Force office. How may I help you?"
"My name is Abbie Carmich…"
"Ah, yes, the boss has been waiting to hear from you. I'll put you straight through"
"Hello. Ms. Carmichael" Have you made a decision about my offer?"
"Yes." Abbie took a deep breath "I've decided to take the job"
"That's great. It will be a pleasure to have you on our team"
"I'm looking forward to working with you"
"Is it convenient for you to start on the tenth of next month?"
"Uh, yes" she had four weeks to get ready, and she still had to tell Jack.
"Okay, well we'll see you then" She was left with the sound of the dial tone.
There was no denying it, she loved New York. She loved working in the District Attorneys Office. But it was time for a change. She was ready to go home. She was ready to go back to Texas. She'd been ready for a while now. The only reason she stayed was for Jack. Now that it was over between them, she had no reason to stay. So it was goodbye New York Goodbye District Attorneys Office. Goodbye Jack.
- - - -
It was two weeks before she finally found the guts to tell Jack the truth. Those two weeks were hell. They struggled to maintain a professional relationship, as their personal feelings continued to interfere. Abbie hadn't talked to Jack except about work and even then it was strained. Jack had only once tried to bring up the subject of their relationship, but had given up after only a few words, when he realised Abbie wasn't even listening.
The case was over. The jury had come back with a guilty verdict and there were celebrations all round. Then Jack was back in his office working on another case and Abbie was left to her own thoughts. She knew it was time. She had to tell him. She at least owed him that much.
"Jack?" she ventured. She stood in his office door, jacket already on. He glanced up, surprised to hear her voice.
"I need to talk to you, Jack"
"Okay" He didn't dare hope that she had decided to forgive him.
"Jack it's over" she says it dryly, her voice seeming void of emotion. He doesn't know that this is the hardest thing she's ever had to do in her life.
"I know, you've told me that already" he replies, keeping his voice even, his body rigid.
"No I mean… Jack there's no easy way to say it. I'm leaving. I'm going back to Houston. I leave on Monday" her voice begins to crack and she tries to finish the conversation quickly. I start work for the US Attorney's office in two weeks. It's over"
"Abbie, have you thought about this?"
"Yes, it's what I want"
"How long have you known?" He asks accusingly.
"Two weeks" she shoves her hands into her pockets and turns to leave.
"Stop, Abbie, don't go. I love you. Please stay"
Abbie doesn't stop, doesn't even pause as he says this. The tears are already streaming down her face. Jack chases her down the hall. She barely manages to control herself. She knows she's just lost her reputation as the hard-assed attorney. She doesn't care. She'll never come back to New York. She could never come back. She couldn't come back to Jack. "It's for the best Jack. We'll only end up hurting each other more. I can't cry anymore Jack. I can't." She walks into the elevator and out of Jack McCoy's life forever. She collapses, as the elevator doors close on a chapter of her life.
- - - -
A.N. What did you think. Please review.