"When you love somebody,
They'll always leave too soon.
But a memory, a memory,
Can make a flower bloom."
Alfred was dead. He really was.
Ivan wanted to think it was another nightmare, one of those cruel, haunting nightmares he had seen all the time. The kind he would find himself in Alfred's arms upon waking up, the kind he would suddenly end up calmer afterwards, still terrified by his own mind but trusting the man in whose arms he was enfolded. Then Alfred would start whispering sweet nothings into his ear or singing an off-key song to make him forget the horrors he had seen behind his eyelids until his mind and body were drifted off to the sweet unconscious state of sleep. But no, it didn't happen, each time Ivan fell asleep he expected that to happen, only to be disappointed upon discovering the lump on his throat and seeing that the other side of the bed was empty and cold.
He only wished that he had been nicer to the younger man in the past. If they hadn't spent years with fighting and rivalry, they would have had more time to spend. Maybe not eternity, Ivan always knew death would tear them apart like it had separated all lovers since the beginning of the time. He just didn't expect it would be that quick, that sudden. A part of him had been content with the possibility of him dying sooner than his lover because he was older. It was selfish, he had known it all along but now with his lover's death, accuracy of his previous selfish reasoning was clear as the day.
He didn't even have the courage to keep in touch with Alfred's twin brother to mourn their loss together. It was wrong of him to do such a thing but he couldn't stand seeing the other man who had a similar face, a similar expression to that of Alfred's when he was sad. He hadn't paid that much attention to their similarities before. But now it was impossible to ignore; everything he saw, touched, thought reminded him of Alfred after all. It was hurting him so much. Then there was Alfred's older brother, Arthur, who sort of lost it all just the way he lost his brother. He was spending his days trying to get in touch with his dead baby brother with Ouija boards, summoning spells. He always had an interest in the supernatural or making small protection spells and amulets for his baby brothers, himself, his fiancé Francis. Alfred had never thought these would work and always teased him for that. But Ivan was sure that this time he wouldn't act that way, if he had the chance. Quite the contrary, he would be much more mature than he usually was, he was capable of an astounding maturity and depth each time he witnessed other people's sadness and pain. He would hug the other blond telling him that the pain would pass eventually. But all this was a dream, a segment of Ivan's imagination. Alfred was never going to be capable of that nor hugging, telling people that they would be okay in time, trying to be goofy like he used to be when he was alive. At least not with his brother. He could do these with Ivan maybe. Such a notion made the man in his late twenties shiver, not with anxiety or dread but instead with both excitement and fear. It wasn't a pure, childish fear though, he was afraid of being disappointed. Such a cruel disappointment that would be. He preferred the cheerful man, talking about hit summer songs in the car to a ghost whose eyes were as bleak as his soul, devoid of the usual spark they had. What if Alfred was an idle ghost who didn't even remember him and was trapped in this world, not knowing who he was or why he was here. Ivan wouldn't be able to handle that. He could see the dead, that was a gift for some, sure. Arthur would give it all just to see his brother once. But it was painful, it always had been painful for Ivan because there was a catch, an insidious catch which decided to ruin him slowly with each loss he had experienced. He was capable of seeing the decesead only if he knew them while they were alive. He discovered it when he was a little kid, after his little puppy was run over by a car. Then he had one last glimpse of his mother after her death, not even Katyusha knew it though, a secret shared by only him and Natalya. Natalya knew it and believed in what he said, for that she experienced the same. Ivan would find this dumb if he watched it on TV and mock his boyfriend about how lame the movies from his country were. Because let's face it, Ivan thought. It would be a Hollywood production. And then Alfred would smile sweetly in response, he always smiled sweetly even when he was teasing someone, that was one of the plenty things Ivan adored about him. His smiles were also almost always daring though. Full of confidence and energy yet never of hatred. Yes, he would smile like a little child, showing his pearly whites and say
"Well, I don't see a Russian version of Hollywood now, do I?" and stick his tongue out. Soon, Ivan's usually cold, soft hands would start tickling the tanned blond. And the only reaction he got would be giggles and swears indicating that he was going to get his revenge.
Ivan. Stop.
He ordered himself. It never helped him, not for the last two months. It only caused him to shake and sob. His lover was never going to sit next to and share his warmth with him when he was cold or friendly argue with him over the simplest things.
He didn't even go to his funeral for he knew he could see him in a situation he never wished to. He had known that he couldn't have seen his ghost at the funeral even if he wanted to because it wasn't his death place. Though seeing his love lying there still with closed eyelids was no different either. His lovely Alfred's warm sun-kissed skin much paler with purple undertones instead of the usual golden glow he had, the cheerful man that was energetic even in the early morning lying down motionless and so quiet... He couldn't stand the thought. Maybe he would blame Ivan if he could speak, this idea had pleased him so much but wasn't realistic enough to convince him to go to the funeral. Instead he imagined his love's hatred, imagined and imagined, his now twisted more than ever mind loved playing this scenario over and over again. He deserved the hatred. After all, if he braked the car a few seconds earlier maybe, maybe his zvezdochka would be alive. Also how could he go to a funeral when the body they buried, the body that he adored more than anything once was now nothing but a decaying corpse. He needed his lover back, he needed to mourn the loss of his love, not his rotting lifeless body.
Why couldn't he die too? Yes, too. He didn't want Alfred to be left behind as well, he hoped for it if they were to die of old age, because he was selfish and that would be easier but like that? No, it was like being actually on the brink of death yet not dying, you felt all the pain, experienced all the blood loss, all the life energy inside you getting sucked out of you yet you couldn't do anything. That was how Ivan felt. He knew Alfred loved him even though he never understood why. With such a love, he would experience the same pain and anguish. Even if he were dead, a ghost Ivan couldn't handle seeing him like that.
He heard someone calling his name. He felt like his thoughts were stripped away from him, just like Alfred had been.
He turned his head to see who that person was. This time it was Natalya. Weird, he thought. Usually Katyusha was the one who came in to his room to check up on him. Natalya wasn't so good with showing affection though Ivan didn't need to hear fancy terms of affection to know his sister cared about him.
"Do you want some vatrushka?"
Thanks. Thanks. Thanks so much. I couldn't deal with it if even you tried to be super nice to me.
"Well, some wouldn't hurt." It would. It would remind of him the first time he made Alfred try it, but what didn't hurt him these days? At least that would make his sisters worry less.
"Okay then go grab some." She said, grinning. A broken smile covered his face right before he hugged Natalya. She was surprised, so was Ivan. Katyusha was the one who was okay with displaying her emotions so openly when something bad happened. Not Ivan nor Natalya. She knew it too, it wasn't hard to guess how hard it was for his brother to deal with such a situation. Natalya hugged her brother back tightly, feeling helpless.
"Thank you." Ivan whispered.
"For what?" Natalya asked but it wasn't so hard to guess, at least for her.
"For not trying to make me feel less broken and not treating me like a doll."
"You're a big guy who can handle everything life throws at you, even death." Her last word sounded like a whisper as well. He hugged her tighter before pulled himself away from the hug.
Natalya continued.
"Though I have to criticize you for one thing."
She looked for the right words to say for a few seconds then proceeded, looking like she had just given up.
"Go see him, Vanya! Go and see him. I know it'll hurt but it is better than being hurt the way you are now. Also, well I don't know, that dorky boyfriend of yours sure would have loved it." She tried to smile.
"Would love it." Ivan corrected her.
This time Natalya actually smiled like she accomplished something and she probably did. Ivan knew his love might not be physically here but he was being the worst boyfriend ever for ignoring the fact Alfred might need him. Sure he didn't know he could see the dead but Ivan couldn't imagine the extroverted cheerful blond's pain and loneliness upon discovering no one saw him, no one was around him. Damn, he didn't even knew if Ivan was alive. And after two joyful, brilliant years spent with that man Ivan knew not knowing whether his boyfriend was alive or not would freak Alfred out even after acknowledging he was the one who died. Though a part of Ivan's mind screamed:
"You don't know if he remembers you or who he was, you idiot."
Ivan tried to push that thought aside. He had to go, he postponed it long enough. His mind kept finding excuses, came up with brand new dreadful scenarios. But hearing the same from Natalya, from someone that wasn't his own sick twisted mind made him finally accept that he had to. He even wanted to.
"Ivan?" She was poking him in the arm with an uneasy expression. Others wouldn't have been able to tell but Ivan recognized the expression on her face the moment he snapped out of his contemplative, scary thoughts.
"Oh? Sorry, I- I was planning what to do?"
Natalya set her gaze on his brother curiously with slightly furrowed brows. Before she could say something Ivan continued.
"I need to go."
"I know." She replied with an understanding demeanour Ivan could feel.
"Thank you, Natalya." He muttered. She didn't smile but put her hand on her brother's.
"No, thank you. You always have been there through thick and thin. Even now."
Natalya didn't even want to remind him of suicide but she couldn't let her gratitude went unrecognized when her brother actually needed it.
Natalya was both surprised and happy about the fact that in a way what kept him alive was her and her big sister Katyusha. She knew after the American's death he didn't have much will and any reason to live but his sisters. She didn't know for how long that would keep him alive but she had no other choice but hope it would until the day he died from natural causes.
Ivan put his free hand on his sister's to show his gratitude and when they finally took their hands back, the blond man got up.
He thought of taking a shower first and wearing his nicest suit. Then the recollection of how he pathetically cried for hours until his fingertips were too numb to touch anything because of the excess water his cells absorbed hit him hard. He also remembered how it resulted in a total breakdown very well. He cried even more because he wanted to get wrinkly and old with Alfred, not cry in the shower because he was dead. Right now he wasn't ready for another breakdown so he dismissed the very idea. He needed to see Alfred, maybe Alfred needed him even more.
Ivan left the house in great haste. Natalya didn't say a word and watched her brother as he left the room. She wasn't sure if it was the best thing she had ever done: convincing his already mentally unstable brother to visit his dead, now only a ghost love. But did Natalya even stand a chance, there was no way of stopping him. He sure was in pain every single minute he spent away from him. That damn American sure was a ghost love but Ivan's love for him was as alive as a beautiful spring afternoon.
After parking on the side of the wet gravel road he tried to calm himself down, at least to get rid of the waves of anxiety that kept drowning him. It was the first time he drove since the accident, two months eighteen days. He had tried to count the hours the way he counted the days after the accident yet he stopped later, would the time even matter without Alfred? His shallow breaths made it even harder to focus on not crying. Ivan wanted to bring him back, he would do everything for that. Die, kill, steal, hurt. All for him. All to have him in his arms once again, feel his warmth and hear his sweet voice. His grasp on the steering wheel was so tight that his knuckles were white. He slowly turned his head around to look outside the car. He had to calm down, past was never coming back. Nothing was ever coming back. They never did. His puppy didn't, his mama didn't, his Alfred won't. He recognized how the tears streaming down his face were in accord with the slight drizzle outside. It was like a cheap, cheesy scene that could be found in one of those cliché romantic comedies that Alfred watched when he couldn't find an action movie on TV, Ivan thought. A brittle smile covered his face and hid his inconsolable expression for a few seconds. After watching the drizzle for a few minute, Ivan managed to focus on his thoughts, the real ones that weren't fueled by his anxiety without being interrupted by the shaky feeling in his legs and arms, cold sweat that covered his body, especially hands and shallow breathing of his. His hands reached the door handle and pulled on to get out. He needed air, all the air the world could offer him. It wasn't an anxiety attack, he was calmer now yet he wanted to inhale the smell of the breezy summer air and petrichor. It was all he wanted to do in fact. He stood there for a while, not even recognizing he had been soaked up until the rain stopped. It took courage, he had to accept the worst before setting foot in that forest. The thought of the forest made the bones in his body ache, he was okay physically but that didn't mean he actually was okay. The mention of forest automatically meant blue and white hospital rooms and nurses and doctors and beeping sounds, his sisters with worried expressions on their faces, aches, most importantly losing Alfred. So all of these feelings came back to him, even the aches.
He took a deep breath once again and walked into the small forest. Why was that stupid woods there anyway? Why wasn't there a farm? A field? A meadow? Instead it was an area filled with trees and obstacles. Why did he turn the wheel that way? He shouldn't have. If only there had been a sunflower field maybe now his podsolnukhwould be safe and sound. But that was just a wish, nothing more.
Ivan started feeling like somebody was playing the violin very badly and using his brain cells as the strings. He huffed and quickened his steps. There was no going back. He started looking around like crazy. He had to find his sunflower, his little star, his sunshine.
His mind was unstable than ever, his hands started shaking again yet he somehow found his footing without tripping over. There were the trees, he hated trees since the accident. They all could just cease to exist and leave him suffocating, gasping for air. Without Alfred it was all the same, at least it would be a quicker way to die. His cold blue eyes flickered with worry, what would he do if his search proved futile. What would he do? And what should he do? What he wanted was to put a gun to his own head and spill out what's inside of it over his face with a single pull of a trigger, that way his last thoughts would be about Alfred. Nice ones, like the day Alfred asked him out, their first few awkward dates, his last birthday, every cozy evening they spent. His thought process was interrupted by glimpse of a figure he would distinguish even at the Doomsday. He stood aghast, his eyes drinking in the figure he saw.
Alfred.
He wanted to hug him, shout his name and run towards him. Take his relatively smaller frame in his arms and never let go of him. He needed to get closer, he really needed it as much as he needed oxygen. He longed for it.
The taller one approached his cold, dead beloved. Alfred looked as though he had seen a ghost. How ironic he is the ghost, Ivan's mind decided not to give him any break. Meanwhile Alfred's mind was buzzing with unanswered questions. Why was Ivan here? But that meant he was safe right? He didn't have to worry about that anymore. Ivan was alive. His lonely flower didn't have to experience even more loneliness after all. It was absolutely terrible, even for Alfred. He couldn't imagine how unbearable it would be for Ivan, the man who already had been lonely most of his life, the man who was even eager to embrace his numbing loneliness because he never had anything else. It would have been too much for him. Not that now with the loss he experienced he didn't feel lonely. Another ugly, morbid thought occupied Alfred's mind. What if he was there because he wanted to kill himself too. The ghost shuddered or thought he did. He was sure that he wasn't capable of shuddering without a physical entity he could own up to. He kept coming towards him. Oh, if only he knew I was there. Alfred wanted to scream, yell, cry out, call his name sweetly, tell him to come and save him. He didn't. He knew it was pointless.
Ivan couldn't believe his eyes, he thought it must have been a dream again, one that would turn into a nightmare the moment his eyelids were wide open.
"A-alfred-" His voice was raspy and as he spoke he recognized that he had that persistent lump in his throat again. Not now, not now.
Alfred was shocked, his lips slightly moved without a voice being heard. That was because his excitement died quickly just like himself. He was here for some laments, to stand by his "grave" and weep probably. He wondered why he didn't go to his actual grave, he surely had one right? Mattie probably wouldn't care about such trivial things like a big funeral just like Alfred but Arthur would, just like his Vanya.
Ivan was surprised he didn't get a response, he was terrified too. The lump grew bigger as his palms became colder and sweatier. He just wanted to hug his love and hear that all was a bad, bad dream.
"Alfred, moya lyubov' please reply." Alfred blinked in shock. This whole feeling like a human when you don't have a body concept was weird for him but at that moment it didn't even cross his mind. His head was filled so many questions anyway. With a dazed look on his face he replied:
"Wh- what? Ivan?! Can- can you see me?"
The taller one smiled at him. It was the perfect middle ground between a forced one and a dreamy one.
"When did I ever not, podsholnukh?"
"Are you-"
Alfred felt like he needed to breathe, he knew he didn't and he knew he couldn't but he still felt like it. It was the only thing he was capable of these days anyway: feeling.
"Dead?"
Ivan's already indistinct smile faded away quickly.
"Net." He slowly shook his head, eyebrows furrowed down, looking like he's trying to figure something out.
Alfred sighed in relief. He was alive. But he wasn't sure if Ivan was actually real, maybe his conscious mind started playing tricks on him. He knew he would play this cruel game regardless.
"How can you see me then?"
"It doesn't matter does it?" Ivan chirped enthusiastically. He didn't feel sad anymore, not when he was talking to the man he loved more than anything.
"Also I don't know either. Natalya and I have that sort of talent I guess, gift, curse I don't know? But now, it's a gift that's for sure." He continued.
Alfred smiled back at his dreamy love. He knew it was his way of dealing with things: acting like nothing was wrong and life was so sweet when faced with the most atrocious experiences the life itself made him live through. He also knew if he hadn't been acting like that, right now two of them would be dead, not one.
"Babe, I missed you."
He really did. All he needed was his boyfriend, even while struggling to acknowledge and accept the fact that he wasn't a normal human being anymore.
"But now I'm here!"
"Well I'm sort of dead so it still doesn't solve many of our problems."
Alfred huffed and sat on the ground. Thoughtfully he asked:
"How long has it been?"
The question required no clarification, they didn't say it out loud but both knew what they were talking about.
"2 months 18 days."
Alfred's jaw dropped in shock.
"It didn't feel like it to me. Wow."
"Neither did it to me. Centuries maybe." Ivan mumbled.
To change the subject, Alfred tried to come up with a funny reply.
"If my funeral wasn't fancy enough I'm haunting y'all."
Ivan blinked in confusion, after a few seconds he smiled softly to indicate he understood the joke.
"I don't know, I didn't go to your funeral. It- it was too hard for me to deal with."
He looked down, slightly ashamed and thinking he was the worst boyfriend ever.
"Don't- don't be upset. Funerals don't mean a thing, remember we didn't even want a wedding." Alfred chuckled. That soft yet cheerful chuckle, oh how Ivan missed it.
Alfred quickly pulled himself up, ready to hug the other man. Upon recognizing it, Ivan stepped back in horror. Alfred, surprised by the rejection he didn't expect at all and the fear-filled eyes of his significant other, asked
"What? Didn't you miss me that much?"
"It's not it. We, we can't hug."
Ivan's shaky hands ran through his messy ashen blond hair.
Alfred asked him why they couldn't without giving much thought to it but after some processing in his mind he let out an 'Oh I see'.
"I- I sometimes forget that I'm dead you see." He wanted to cry. Cry so much that after a point world capitals would drown in his tears. Some others would be dead just like him, because of him. But he just couldn't.
This didn't apply to Ivan though. Cold, icy tears were slowly streaming down his full, reddish cheeks. He was cold, maybe that was because it was chilly there, maybe because he was next to a ghost, maybe because he was tired and hurt. Alfred guessed it was all of them, he didn't know if it was cold though. He just had a feeling that his love was feeling cold.
Ivan finally talked again in a hoarse voice.
"How and why are you in your bomber jacket? It's not winter and well you're-" he went silent for a few seconds and then continued in a forced cheerful tone.
"I mean you're not one to feel cold in summer. You're so whiny in winter though."
He let out a giggle that sounded like a sob. He started panicking, sirens going off in his mind. Was he that cold? Did he really feel like how an alive human being would feel if they were buried six feet underground? Did he have a connection with his now rotting body? The very thought of it terrified Ivan, that would mean he had felt all the bugs nibbling on his eyeballs, every maggot that made his intestines a home, beetles feeding on his tendons, the bruising and rotting flesh, all the clotted blood pooling towards his back. He wasn't even technically a corpse now, more like a liquid of the things that were once his organs and a skeleton. Ivan wondered how all these would make him feel for a few seconds, with a great enthusiasm to actually find out before returning to his immeasurable sadness again. He knew too much about death, he used to think that would relieve him, after all he was raised as a religious Orthodox and that really didn't help him cope with the death of his mama. Even as a teenager, he thought maybe science would be the answer. Now he was an agnostic who knew shitload of science, it didn't help at all either. What did help him in this life anyway? Alfred did in the past.
Alfred came closer to him, he knew he couldn't contact him physically but still he wanted to be closer to his shattered lover, Ivan wasn't crying anymore, it was scarier. He was contemplative, so lost in his own mind. Alfred knew his mind was never a safe haven for himself, he did his best to protect his Vanya from his own mind but now, now that man's mind was a battlefield, no not a battlefield it was like a field filled with rotten, dead soldiers that were all around in the aftermath of a battle and as Ivan tried to get away he kept stepping on the hidden mines. All Alfred wanted was to keep him away from the really explosive ones.
"Vanya, cut the crap. Of course I'm not cold because I'm dead, funny thing is that you're still bitching about my cold tolerance, Braginsky."
He smiled, half forced half real because seeing him confused rather than upset and contemplative made him happy.
"Braginsky?"
Alfred giggled. They used to call each other by their surnames when they were busy fighting like cats and dogs.
"Kidding you babe! About the bomber jacket I recognized I can wear or imagine to wear whatever I want to. Come on, of course I would choose my favourite jacket, not Mickey Mouse pajamas!"
Ivan was sort of relieved.
"So you don't feel the cold?" He asked hopefully.
"No, but not warmth either. I just feel normal you know. I can sit on stuff and probably can't cross walls. Why can't I touch you?"
He lifted his hand up hesitatingly, Ivan drew back once again. His blue eyes with scared violet undertones looked directly at Alfred's soul.
"No, I-" He took a deep breath. "I can't handle that if your hands pass through me, I'm not that strong."
Alfred bit his lip then his gaze got gradually softer, seeing how bad Ivan looked.
"How's Artie and Mattie doing and oh Francis too? I hope he's looking after the eyebrows. I miss his crêpes and Mattie's pancakes. I would even eat Arthur's horrible inventions that he calls food."
He tried his best to change the subject. Ivan blinked his bleary eyes. He wasn't expecting this conversation to be that casual.
"Oh Matthew is fine, he's doing much better than I imagined he would."
"Yeah! Mattie might look like a softie but he is pretty strong in his own ways."
A smile spread across his face. Then he murmured.
"What about Arthur?"
Ivan averted his gaze in discomfort, it was going to make his Alik upset.
"He isn't doing well."
"How?" Alfred's expression got grim. He knew his brother loved acting tough and emotionless but he was the most fragile of the three brothers. Maybe it was because he was almost like a parent to Mattie and Alfred for years after their parents died, Alfred didn't know.
"He totally lost it, Alik. He isn't even talking to Francis, all he does is occupying himself with things he considers spells. I always supported it since it was a part of his beliefs but now, it's not healthy. If I could bring him here and make him see you, I would. But it doesn't work that way."
He witnessed how his lover was in more pain with each word that came out of his mouth. He hated himself.
"But- but at least he isn't alone. There is Francis and Mattie. He will be okay eventually. Natasha didn't talk to anyone after our mama died for a long time. So-"
Ivan run out of words, he was struggling to comfort Alfred. He knew that, dead or alive, Alfred cared a lot about his family.
The ghost man let out a demented laugh. It worried Ivan. Alfred kept the conversation going like he hadn't heard any of these.
"Oh Natalya, how's that sort of scary sister of yours?" He giggled again. He always found Natalya intimidating, maybe that was because she wanted to protect her family and her brother so much that she wasn't so welcoming towards a stranger that might break his heart eventually. He admired her for that but regardless, she always had been intimidating.
"Don't call her scary, she would thank you for that." Ivan smiled a little. He continued.
"Also she was the one who convinced me to come here so I don't know, I owe you an apology. I just couldn't bring myself to do it, you see." He started playing with his hands nervously.
"Oh! Thank her on my behalf then. And that's okay, Vanya."
"No, it's not." After minutes of fake calmth, he finally snapped at his innocent love. "I'm a horrible human being! Stop being nice to me when you're not even here. I killed you! Don't you see? You have rotted already. Do you think your beautiful sun-kissed skin exists anymore? There have been maggots who ate your eyeballs or internals for sure. I can't stand seeing Matthew because he looks just like you! Arthur is a wreck and will forever keep being one because of me. Francis is, of course, sad to see the man he loves like that each day. I'm not even mentioning how sad everyone is about your death. All that could have been avoided if it weren't for my accursed, slow reflexes."
Ivan cast himself down on the ground and started sobbing. Alfred didn't know what to do, he should have guessed Ivan was blaming himself but now it was confirmed. He couldn't deny it. Also the words he said didn't hurt or worry him at all. There were more important things than his rotting dead body, like his alive boyfriend. He sat down next to him, trying not to touch him because the fact that he wouldn't be able to was going to make both of them only sadder.
"I don't blame you. Such a thought didn't even cross my mind. I'm sure no one does. And don't you see what you're doing to yourself as well? Think of yourself more, Vanya. That is the only thing I'll ever ask of you. And fucking look at me in the eye."
Upon lifting his head , Ivan saw Alfred grinning. Sure there was an immesurable sadness apparent in his eyes but that grin was sincere just like all of his previous ones.
"But I do. I'm sorry for yelling at you." He whimpered as he tried wiping the tears streaming down his face with the sleeve of his lightweight mustard coloured jacket.
"I don't mind. How are you, Vanya? Really though. I've postponed asking it and asked how everyone else was. Because I'm scared that you might be the one in the worst condition. I know you and how-" He searched for the words that wouldn't further harm Ivan. "How your mind can be your worst rival. The only one you might not win against."
Ivan's throaty chuckle was anything but comforting.
"Am I? Of course I am okay, my sunflower! Would I be here if I wasn't."
"How can I know it's not a farewell? For God's sake, I couldn't even discover if you hurt yourself because I'm trapped in this area that I can't leave."
"I know. It's not a farewell, Alfred. I can't do that to my sisters." He whispered. Alfred didn't know if he should be relieved to hear that he wasn't going to do anything crazy or upset that it wasn't because he wanted to live but only out of his love for his sisters.
"Will you visit me?"
Alfred wanted that so much, he wanted to keep him forever. But he also guessed it would make moving on harder for Ivan. The question was that was he that selfish?
"Of course, I will spend my every waking hour with you." He smiled.
"I would rather if you didn't." Ivan didn't say a thing but it was visible that he was tense. Each cell in his body told him that he was unwanted and he deserved it. Alfred quickly continued, seeing how wrong his boyfriend interpreted it.
"I said it considering your own well-being. If it were only about me, I wouldn't let you go even 5 feet away from me."
Ivan's blue eyes with violet undertones was even shinier under the influence of the tears he tried to hold back.
"What? Do you think I can move on?" He answered indignantly.
"Yes. You can do everything, Vanya. Everything you want. Everything you should."
"I don't want to move on then." He crossed his arms over his chest.
"Okay, what are you going to do?"
"Love you, of course!"
He avoided eye contact and was acting like a child. If Alfred saw him like that another time he would find it cute. This time he found it heartbreaking.
"Until when?"
"Until my last breath. What did you think? That I would find someone else in a few years?"
"I hoped." Alfred muttered.
"Would you?"
Ivan finally turned his head to face the other man. Tears in his eyes, his shaking body... Oh how much Alfred wanted to hug him.
"No. But that doesn't mean I don't want you happy."
"Happiness doesn't exist, sunflower. Hope does though, it is enough for me. One day we will be together once again. Won't we?"
He closed his eyes and smiled, as he lay down without a single worry about his clothes or hair getting dirty on his mind.
"Yes and I want you to be as peaceful as you can until that day comes."
"Hmm..." He murmured, ignoring what his significant other said. "You also can end your suffering by the way. I don't know how, Natasha and I will do some research because my mama didn't stay as a ghost forever. I don't know how it happened though."
"I like it in fact. Sure I would rather if I stayed alive but I don't want to go away okay. Look it's already hard for me, I didn't even believe there was an afterlife and I'm much more comfortable with an afterlife like that."
"I never said there was a heaven or hell. Maybe the ghosts, the souls just cease to exist." His voice was shaky.
"I don't want to go though. I might be dead but I am what I was once. I still love you, I still care about you, Arthur, Mattie and many more. My favourite food is still burgers and fries even though I don't need food. Do you think I want to fade away, I don't."
Ivan's hand reached out to caress his face but he contained himself.
"I- I am sorry that I can't help you."
"That's okay, I don't mind it that much I guess. Especially not after seeing that you're okay, at least physically. All of you are. What I am saying is that if I have a say in this stuff I would choose to stay there forever." He added a "With you." and smiled.
They spent hours there, not even recognizing how quickly the time passed. Alfred was already starting to lose his concept of time slowly. Knowing they were next to each other was enough for both of them. And neither would move if Ivan didn't get a call from his worried sister Katyusha. He was outside for hours, for the first time since he was discharged from the hospital. Natalya didn't reveal their little secret, thinking it was Ivan's personal life and if one were to reveal it, it should have been Ivan. Ivan didn't either because he wasn't sure if Katyusha would understand it, he didn't want her to think he went crazy. He stopped caring about what others thought long time ago but he knew his sister would be even more worried. He didn't need this. Eventually he had to leave his love for a short time. Alfred tried his best to convince him that he was used to it after two months and his visit was more than enough to keep him happy and content.
Later, Ivan visited Alfred every single day, he changed his job field to be able to work from home so he wouldn't have to be at work when he was supposed to visit Alfred. Years passed like that, Ivan didn't care the slightest. He was much more content with his life than he possibly could be if he hadn't visited him that day. Arthur and Francis moved to Francis's native, France. Saint-Remy-de-Provence, to be specific. Arthur wasn't okay but he sure was better than he was before. Matthew, he was the same boy he used to be but after his twin brother's death he became more outspoken and less timid. Not many recognized it, since it wasn't something happened overnight but Ivan did. It was his way of honouring his brother, both of them knew how Alfred wanted his brother to stick up for himself more when he was alive. Ivan built a small house in the area he was able to see Alfred with the money he saved up and a bank loan he borrowed. Natalya preferred moving back to Russia after all those years she spent in America and after falling in love with a Belarusian she moved again, this time to Belarus to live with him. Katyusha stayed in America, always trying to take care of her younger brother. She didn't object to his decision but stayed in their old apartment, thinking if Ivan was moving to the place he lost Alfred she owed him some privacy.
Alfred and Ivan didn't even feel like one of them was dead after a while. They were a couple in love, that was all they had always been and would forever be. And it wasn't until death do them apart in their case, a possible death would only draw them closer.
zvezdochka (звездочка): little star
podsolnukh (подсолнух): sunflower
moya lyubov' (моя любовь): my love
vatrushka (ватрушка): a Russian pastry
I also used the name Natasha since it's a diminutive of Natalya, just like Katyusha. Comments are appreciated. I apologize for the fact that I saw it as a prompt on tumblr but now cannot find the blog. I also published it in ao3 so if you see it here too, that's why. Thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed.