ribbons from a paper bag

by icedteaandlemoncake

'she hit the end it's just her window-ledge.'

Chapter 1

Cassie had made her plan up a month ago and started collecting pills. She just wasn't sure when the right time was, and she was waiting for both Sid and Chris to be out of the apartment for enough time. But, as she sat on this guy's floor, whose name she didn't even know, naked, after he raped her, the plan sounded perfect. She heard him start snoring, so she got up, put on her clothes, and walked home.

Sid sat at the kitchen table eating cereal for dinner, and Chris was watching a movie. "You alright, Cass?" Chris piped up as Cassie dropped her keys at the table. "Yeah," she faked, "I'm totally good. Totally. I um...I got this..." she dropped the baggie of pills into Chris' lap and he looked up at her, surprised. Sid stopped eating.

"How'd you get them?" He asked as Chris thanked her.

"You'll be able to make so much off of this tonight, Cass. So much."

"A friend," Cassie answered. She knew Sid wasn't okay with her doing this, and that he was worried about her. But the one time he asked her about it, she told him to fuck off. Sid raised his eyebrows and looked down at his cereal again before slurping the milk loudly out of the bowl. That expression he gave her a passive-aggressive show of disapproval. Cassie rolled her eyes, her own passive aggression, and went into the bathroom, leaned against the door.

She took her clothes off and looked in the mirror. She looked like crap. He'd left bruises on her collarbone and her hips, and she hadn't eaten in days. It struck Cassie, as she started the shower, that she didn't feel anything. But as she got into the shower, she thought of Sid, whose arms would hold her gently and he wouldn't hurt her or bruise her. Here she was, shrugging that off for sex she didn't even want.

Why was she even doing this? She got a chill down her spine and reached for her shower bucket and picked up the boxcutter blade, cleverly hidden under the conditioner. Sid and Chris borrowed her shampoo all the time, but didn't bother with conditioner, so she figured it was safe there. She sat under the stream and breathed a heavy sigh as she cut across her thigh, but it grew stronger and she struck her thigh, hard, with the blade. A thick, angry dark red line rising up and bleeding.

She watched the blood dilute with the water and turn it red. Sid had texted her right before she went inside saying she should come home because they were planning on doing something. She'd ignored it, and then, when her hookup had slapped her after she decided she didn't want to give him head, she just thought about what her boys were doing. She thought of that the whole time. Now she felt horrible for ignoring them.

She put the razor on the shower ledge and reached out, dug for her phone. She texted Sid.

FROM- CASSIE

I need you

Sid misinterpreted the text and thought it meant she wanted to have sex with him. Either way, he was eager.

FROM - SID

Is the door locked?

FROM- CASSIE

No

Sid walked in and shut the door behind him before calculating that he was wrong. Cassie sat in the shower and, as he pulled the curtain away, the cold air brushed against him, hostile. The water had run completely cold. He turned it off. "Cass!" He knelt down to her, wrapping his arms around her.

Cassie held onto his arm and rested her head on his shoulder, sniffling. She was freezing, and he was warm. Sid rubbed his arms on hers, trying to warm her up. She just started crying. Sid stroked her hair and tightened his grip on her. "Let's get you out of here, babe..." he said gently, but she shook her head and squeezed his shoulders.

"Not yet." Sid rested his head on hers. Cassie felt weak and shakey for the first time in a while. "I think I need to eat something..." she admitted. Sid sighed in relief. He and Chris both knew she'd relapsed, but neither of them said anything for lack of knowing what to do.

"What do you want to eat? What sounds good? We'll get you anything." Cassie started analyzing food choices and moved her head from his shoulder to his collarbone. Sid reached over and got a towel and her nightgown. He pressed the towel to the wound on her thigh, wisely not commenting but hoping to stem the bleeding, then he wrapped his arms around her again.

"I don't...maybe I should just sleep." Sid didn't want her to fall back on this. She needed to eat something.

"Close your eyes and think about great whites." They were her favorite animal. She closed her eyes while playing with the tag on the sleeve of his t-shirt. "Got the great white in there?" He felt her nod.

"Now, what food sounds good? Don't think, just say it."

"Pancakes and German chocolate cake with potato salad," she said and bit her lip.

"You're in luck. Jal made German chocolate cake last night, pancakes are the one food I can cook without messing up, and there's a shop round the corner with an infinite amount of potato salad." He gently took the towel off. The wound had stopped bleeding, but it threatened to open again, so he kissed her forehead and fished around for the first aid kit. He opened it and got out the gauze. She wanted to object, but she just watched him lay a layer of gauze on the wound and then cover that with tape. Then he got her into her nightgown.

"Come on, Cass," he said and picked her up. He carried her to her room and lay her down in the bed. He took off his beanie and fit it on her head. "They say that hats are wonderful ways to keep warm," he said, making her giggle. "Because you're trapping the heat trying to leave your body and keeping it in." He tucked her in, too, glad that she had flannel sheets and a heavy comforter for once. "It'll take me five minutes to cook."

"Thanks, Sid."

It didn't take him long. He made her a few pancakes, warmed up some syrup and drizzled it on them, and had Chris go to the shop to get potato salad, and he arranged it all on a breakfast in bed tray, the potato salad on a saucer, the short stack of pancakes, and the slice of chocolate cake, complete with a glass of soy milk. He brought it into her and she smiled while sitting up to eat it. He sat down on the bed beside her and watched. She devoured the meal, pacing herself at times, afraid she would get sick, but kept going 'mmm!' When she put the tray down on the floor beside the bed and turned over on her stomach, resting her head on his chest, he congratulated himself.

"So, did I finally cook something good?" He hadn't done that great a job on the pancakes, but she smiled. "Top-notch, Sid. Thank you. It meant a lot to me." He lay down with her.

"Always."

Chapter 2

Cassie looked into Sid's eyes and it struck her just then that this was the last time they would lay like this together, her safe in his gentle arms, the calm of his heartbeat and how soft his hands are on her back - this felt like it would, or could, stay forever. She leaned over and kissed him, and he didn't reply but kissed her back. It struck her that this, even without the kissing, was all he wanted. Well, that and a relationship with her- the ability to change his Facebook status to 'in a relationship with Cassandra Ainsworth,' and then to buy her things, flowers, necklaces, and coffee. To be there for her, to be her go-to person, which he already was.

It didn't seem so to Sid, because Cassie hated relying on people but the only person she ever let in was Sid. While she coaxed his mouth open and began craftily exploring his mouth with her tongue, she noticed his arms stayed at her shoulders, except for his right hand sliding up her neck and cradling her head. To get more comfortable, Cassie extended her leg across him, becoming aware that he didn't have an erection. All he wanted now was to hold her and to kiss her - nothing else. Cassie had never experienced that with anyone - not needing to please him. Sid didn't expect things out of her - he didn't want to use her, and he wasn't here to fulfill a wet dream.

He was just here. That made her think she owed him something. Guys didn't just lay in bed with you and hold you and kiss you without wanting more. It wasn't in their nature. Not even Sid's nature. They'd only had sex once, and Sid had joked afterward that he was so bad she cried.

2 weeks ago, they had let it go that far, and Cassie had been taken aback by the gentleness of him - eyes that explored her body with wonder, not entitlement and greedy lust. Soft hands that stroked her hair and her cheek, gentle lips that raised themselves from her body to ask if he could proceed, if he was doing it right, was she okay. She had expected to be taken, shaking up and used roughly like a plastic doll, pushed aside the moment he came. that's just what sex was to her.

So when he made her come, partly because she'd gone off her medication and so she actually could, and partly because he put forth the effort, she had started to cry and turned her head away. He'd been on fire, wanting more, but he crawled up to her and wrapped his arms around her, kissed her cheek. "Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?" This only made her cry louder, and he'd laid there with her until she calmed down.

"You...you..." she sniffled. "You made me come."

"I thought that was a good thing. You know, kind of the whole point." She'd broken out laughing for a bit, then turned in his arms to face him, his worried, self-conscious face.

"No one's ever done that before." Sid had raised his eyebrows. This was his first time, given, and his only idea of what sex was came from Tony's probably exaggerated stories and porn, both unreliable sources, but he also knew that Cassie slept around. Surely she was stroking his ego here. He was her roommate, after all. A thin sheet of wall separated their rooms, and he'd spent many nights listening to her headboard banging against the wall.

He'd heard her 'OH MY GOD's and 'I'M COMING's. Cassie seemed to read his mind. "I...usuallly fake it," which was true. She hated sex. The medicine she took to keep herself on track robbed her of any sensation, and none of the men cared, but they wanted her to moan and at least pretend she was into it, so she closed her eyes and pretended she was moaning for Sid, who wished desperately on the other side of the wall that it could be him.

She never told Sid how bad it was, or why she was having sex. He didn't ask. But she wouldn't let him touch her again. Unlike everybody else, he didn't try. Now she made quick work of his belt buckle and zipper, but he stopped her, putting his hands over hers.

"Cassie, what are you doing?" She laughed.

"Don't you want it, Sid? I mean," she shrugged him off and pulled down his jeans. "I've been holding out on you for so you've beenso good!" Her voice had rage in it as she threw his jeans to the ground. "The least you deserve is to reach the prize, right?"

"Cassie, stop it."

"I mean, aren't you in this so that one day I'll suck your cock? Well here I am- ready! Waiting and I'm good, Sid. I'm damn good. I even let you shove my head down-" she had tears running down her cheeks and she just sat up, embarrassed when she pulled down his briefs only to discover that he wasn't in the least bit aroused. Sid sat up and pulled his briefs up, then gently rubbed at her shoulders. "Please get out of my room..."

"Cassie, I'm not in this for that."

"GET OUT!" She sobbed, humiliated. Sid got up, pulled on his jeans, and walked out, gently closing the door behind him. Cassie threw a book at the door, ashamed she made a slut out of herself with Sid, of all people. She'd found a spare boxknife and was carving at her thighs again when a piece of paper slipped under the door.

Cass,

You're mad at me, but I'm not gonna let that stop me from getting my point across. I think you need (and want) to hear this. I'm in love with you. Silly, stupid, schoolboy, she doesn't love you back but you love her anyway, destiny, undignified love. The real thing. It's stupid because you don't want me like I want you, but the job is done.

I'm yours. Sleep with as many guys as you want. Marry one of them. Have kids. I won't stop you. But how many of them would wait for you forever? Now that's out of the way, sex.

Sure. Sex is good. I'm 17. What's not to love about sex? and you - you're breathtaking and yes, I have spent time, in the privacy of my own bed on sweaty summer nights, dreaming of none other than what you just tried to do to me. So YES, Cassie.

I want it. But here's the thing. You don't owe me anything. Just because I held you, kissed you? That doesn't mean you owe me a fuck or a blowjob. That's not how it works.

You don't haveto. And I think you've always felt like youhad to. I shudder to think of what guys have made you do because of this...obligation you've felt all your life. Maybe someone hurt you when you were little. I don't know.

But it's clear your picture of sex is horrifying, bleak and lifeless and I refuse to do that to you. Something's not right with you, Cassie. Me and Chris? We're worried. What pain do those cuts on your thighs relieve? Tell us.

Let us know. Let us help. Whine to us. Cry loudly. Scream. Burden us with your problems - seek attention from us - anything.

Something was off with you tonight, and I am worried. Did someone do something to you? Those bruises on your collarbone look painful. I'm sitting outside of your door. Literally. And I'm not leaving until I know you are okay.

Sid.

Cassie turned the notebook paper over.

Sid,

I don't deserve the kind of sex you want to give me. Used goods, some call me. Slut, others say. It's all true, and you know it. You treat me like a princess, though. I'm not one.

Take me off your pedastal. You were my one regret in life, Sid. I didn't love you like you deserved. You're a keeper and someone will love you properly. And I'm fine. Just upset. Because yes, someone hurt me. I'm not coming out, though. So I'd suggest going to bed. I love you.

Cass.

The paper flipped back quickly.

Cassie,

You do deserve to be treated like a princess. I listen when you have sex. They call you a slut, a bitch, and a whore. And then the way you act when it's all done. When you come home, or when they leave. Scared, vulnerable.

I just want to hold you. Remember how I made you feel when I made you come? Cass, you deserve that feeling. Three times a day at least, for the rest of your life. And I'm always here, ready and willing. And you talk about me like you're out of time, Cass, in the past tense.

You've got the rest of my life to act on it.

SID

Cassie tore a page from her Hello Kitty notebook and wrote on it in big letters

WAKE UP, SID.

I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

She slipped the paper under the door, got up and walked over to her vanity - opened her Hello Kitty makeup bag. So many more pills than the last time. She took them all, handful after handful, washed down by straight vodka. The expensive kind, just this once. She took them, even as her body screamed for her to stop. She took them until every last bottle was empty, and then she finished off the vodka.

Swaying, she looked over and realized Sid had slipped another note under the door. She bent and picked it up.

Cassie,

I love you. Like, really love you. I'm still not leaving. I'll be here when you wake up in the morning.

SID

Cassie lay in her bed and took Sid's beanie into her hands. She thought that maybe she should let him in. How wonderful it would be to have him. To pretend she was the person he thought she was. Her heart began pounding too fast- she couldn't fall asleep. It literally felt like her heart was going to explode.

Cassie tried to scream for help. This was a mistake. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. With her heart pounding and sweat running down her forehead, Cassie got a moment of clarity. She went off her meds cold turkey, and people had always told her that it's like a recipe for disaster to do that -your brain starts messing up and you do stupid things.

This would qualify. She thought about Sid, sitting outside the door. She needed him. She stood up and her feet were heavy, the room was dark. She fell to her knees and hit the wall on the way down, praying please, please can I reverse my wish? But as she fell, she started to get sleepy, and, though her heart pounded, her body went entirely tingly and cool and she felt calm and at peace.

In the darkening room she noticed Sid coming inside and he was yelling, panicked, but she couldn't hear him all that well. Chris ran in, then left again, cell-phone to his ear. Sid just cradled her, sitting cross-legged and pulling her up on his lap. He kissed her forehead and stroked her hair. She looked up at him, not wanting him to leave.

"I'm here now, Cassie. It's gonna be okay." She heard him, but he sounded like she was underwater. "Stay with me. Stay awake. The ambulance is on their way. It's going to be fine..."

Cassie's eyelids fluttered, and the last thing she felt was his arm around her and his hand rubbing hers. Happily, she closed her eyes, leaving Sid to struggle as she fell asleep and became dead weight in his arms.

"CHRIS!" He yelled. "CHRIS!" Getting no answer but hearing him talk on the phone, he rubbed Cassie's hand some more. "Come on, Cass. Wake up. Wake up we can do this. Come on."

He pulled her up so she was sitting on his lap, but her head just rolled onto his shoulder. "Cassie, please come on, come on." He listened, but heard no breath. He was afraid to touch her chest or her wrists to check for a pulse. "Come on, Cassie. Come on. I've got you. Just hold on a little bit longer." The paramedics came in, and Chris helped them get Sid off of her.

"Sid, let them help her. Come on. Let..come on." He had to wrap his arms around him and pull him away. As they attached the heart monitor, Sid looked up hopefully, then fell back onto Chris as it was just one loud beep. They pronounced time of death, and Sid shook his head.

"Try harder. You're not trying hard enough." That had to be wrong. She had only overdosed, and she had just closed her eyes a second ago. He watched them cover her body up and leave with her. Chris just sat with him.

"They'll see. At the hospital. She'll be fine."

"Sid..."

"Don't Sid me, Chris." He looked over and Chris was crying. He got up and got his keys. "Let's go. She'll laugh at you for crying."

Sid told the doctors he was her brother and so they let him in to see her body. She was still warm. He curled up with her, stroking her hair and kissing her cheek. He held her hands.

"You're beautiful," he whispered. Tony had snuck in.

"Come on, Sid. Let's go." He knew Sid needed his space, but he couldn't just let him linger like this. From what Chris had said Sid was still doubting the doctors and thought Cassie was just in a coma. She was still warm. Sid ignored Tony.

He didn't want to hear anything. Not that he was stupid for loving a girl who didn't love him back. Not that he had probably made her do this again. None of that. He ran his hands up and down her arms,attempting to warm her up. Then he put his head on her chest and nearly choked when he heard nothing. Literally, nothing.

"She's dead, Sid." Sid wanted to punch Tony for saying this so easily, so casually, as if he were talking about his pet hamster. But this was a hospital. So he got up and wrapped his arms around himself, shaking. "Everyone's outside, aren't they?" Tony nodded. "I don't want to see anyone." Tony nodded.

"We'll go out the other way." Sid nodded and followed Tony out of the hospital. Tony texted Chris that he had him, but to leave him alone for the day. "Where do you want to go?" Sid thought about it. "Home. Then the train station. I need to get some stuff. Then I'm going to Scotland. My mom's in Scotland."

He didn't say anything for a while as Tony drove. "She tried to have sex with me today," he said. Tony didn't say anything. "I refused. I could've had sex with Cassie again and I refused." Tony looked over at his friend, who was starting to cry, even though he was fighting it off.

"It's not like you knew, Sid..." Sid wiped the tears from his face. A lump formed in Sid's throat, made of tears that probably wouldn't stop for days once he laid down again. He passed by Cassie's room, bent over, and picked up the pieces of notebook paper. He folded them over and put them in his pocket. As he started to pack his clothes, he handed Tony his beanie.

"Put this uh...put this on her coffin when they throw in the dirt. She needs it to keep her warm." Tony nodded, a lump forming in his own throat as it hit him that Cassie was gone. They weren't fond of each other when they were young. But they both loved Sid and couldn't help but bond over that. On the ride to the train station, Sid looked over at his friend. "Who's leaving me next, Tony?"

Tony didn't know what to say. He parked and they walked in together, and stood together until the boarding call. Tony didn't know what to say. Sid turned toward him and he hugged him, and Tony kissed his forehead. "You better not lose touch with me, you bastard," said Tony through tears. Sid shook his head. "Not possible."

He smiled, waved goodbye, and Tony watched his best friend leave him. Who's going to leave first? He thought, repeating Sid's question. You are.

Sid waited at his mom's house all night. he noticed he car wasn't there and the doors were locked, so he just sat on her porch and curled up. He didn't mean to fall asleep, but he couldn't help it since he could barely sleep on the train. He let his eyes close until he heard his mom fussing over him. He woke up freezing because it had been raining.

"Sid - I had to go out of town for a week. Why didn't you call me?" sid got up, following her inside. "Left my phone charger at home." she put the tea kettle on and Sid curled up on her couch, suitcase sitting next to him, but she rushed over and shooed him off. "You're all wet. Get off my couch. It's expensive. Go shower- change. Spare bedroom's down that hall," she pointed, pushing him up.

He obeyed and went to the spare bedroom. He meant to get up and shower but all he managed to do was change his clothes and then he fell over on the bed and closed his eyes. Elizabeth was cooking dinner when she heard him crying in his sleep. She went in his room and picked up his wet clothes, hung them in the shower.

"CASSIE HOLD ON!" Sid screamed and Elizabeth rushed over.

"Sid-" she shook him until he opened his eyes, looked at her.

"Oh- Mom..." he sighed.

"You were screamin'." Sid raised his eyebrows at her. "You haven't done that since you were six years old."

Sid's back itched. "Mom will you scratch my back?" He turned over on his stomach. Elizabeth pulled up his shirt. Mosquitos had bitten him all to hell, and his back was completely covered red, swollen, angry bites. "It itches!" he groaned, kicking the mattress.

"You're covered in mosquito bites, love." She hadn't called him that since he was little and he buried his head into his pillow and started crying. Elizabeth went to the bathroom and got anti-itch cream and sat back on his bed, gently rubbing it in. "What's happened, Sid? What's happened to Cassie?"

"She killed herself," he coughed out, muffled by the pillow. Elizabeth didn't know what to say, so she continued rubbing his back. "Bristol reeks of her, Mom. Everything just..." He sighed, tired.

"Well you're here now, and you're all safe. Just you rest okay, love?" He nodded, comfortable. Elizabeth put his shirt back down, leaned over and kissed his forehead, and turned his light off before leaving the room.

Sid slept for three days. Elizabeth brought him meals that he didn't eat. On the fourth day, he managed to get up and walk around the house, the first he'd seen of it since she'd moved. He looked at the clock. 4.20pm. He looked around as she walked in the door with a couple of her friends - they laughed and went on into the living room.

Sid was in sweatpants with no shirt, greasy hair going every which way. "Oh, Sid. You're up! That's good! Are you hungry? I made your favorites last night!" Sid shook his head. "You haven't been outside have you, Sid? There's a pool. That might brighten up your day."

She knew it wouldn't cheer him up, but she also knew he probably wouldn't shower, and at least immersing himself in water would help clean him up a little bit. Sid walked out and sat by the pool, dipping his feet in. His mind was gloriously blank - no thoughts. But he took off his sweatpants, figuring his boxer shorts would make acceptable swimwear. He sank into the cold water, lay on his stomach, and opened his eyes, the chlorine stinging him.

He closed his eyes again and Cassie invaded his thoughts, sneaking into Roundview College's pool in the middle of the night. He'd been afraid, only able to imagine what his dad would think of him getting trouble, until she took off her clothes, stripping down to her bra and panties and jumping into the pool. She'd convinced him to strip down to his briefs and join her. After all that fanfare, they'd just floated and looked up at the ceiling. Now Sid dove to the bottom to get Cassie to disappear, his ears aching and his lungs stinging.

He found the drain with his hands and grabbed onto one of the holes. He held on until he accidentally breathed in water and swam to the surface. He coughed out the water and floated on his back until it started raining, which is when he went inside.

Elizabeth put out a plate of food for him, and he picked at it. He still wasn't the least bit hungry, even after three days. "I know it sounds crazy, Mom, but..." He took a bite of curry to satisfy his mom, and forced it down his throat.
"Hmm?" Elizabeth asked, sitting down by him.
"What if she's not dead? What if I just couldn't feel her heartbeat?"
"Sid..."
"No, really. I didn't try hard enough. It feels like she isn't really dead. Like she can't be."
"Sid, please don't do this to yourself..."
"Mom, listen!"
"She's gone, Sid." Elizabeth put her hand ontop of Sid's. He pulled it away, shook his head, and went over to her cabinets. He covered his meal in saran wrap and put it in the fridge and then curled up on the couch. His mom sat by him and he shifted to make sure his back faced her. She knew this routine.
Whenever he was mad as a kid, he'd go sit somewhere, cross his arms, and pout. Elizabeth slung her arm around him, and je nestled his head in her shoulder.
"Did it feel like this, when dad died?"Elizabeth stroked his hair.
"Yeah, it did."
"Well then...how did you..."
"I had you," she answered, and Sid gripped her hand.
"At first, it was hard, because you remind me of him in all the good and bad ways." Sid scoffed.
"Thanks, I think..."
"You're so stubborn, just like him. And when you yell, it's exactly like him so much that it's hard to get mad at you. But you also love as innocently as he did. All I could look forward to was you getting up in the morning, coming home for dinner. I probably would've given up if it weren't for you..."
"So...did it change? This feeling?" Elizabeth paused before answering.
"Yes. After a while, it got lighter. You'll be able to breathe again, to do normal things. It'll still hurt. It's just that you'll notice other things, too." He stayed there, thinking about that, until Elizabeth broke his silence. "You need to go to her funeral, Sid." He cringed and shook his head. "I don't think you'll forgive yourself if you don't say goodbye to her."

"There's enough that I'll never forgive myself for."
"Like what?"
"Like the fact that I sat outside her room and let her kill herself..."
"You didn't know, Sid."
"I knew something was wrong."
"But you didn't have the slightest inkling she was going to do this, did you?" Sid shook his head. "You would've gotten her help, Sid. I know you."

Chapter 3

Sid stood outside the church until everyone went in. He was determined to make the first step. Just not yet. Tony came outside and stood before him. "You can do this, Sid." Sid shook his head. Tony walked over and straightened Sid's tie.

"Me, Michelle, Chris, Anwar, Maxxie, and Jal - we're all here. You don't have to go through this alone." Sid followed Tony into the church, looking down at his feet. He sat in between Jal and Michelle, both of them taking either one of his hands. "We've got you, Sid," whispered Jal.

Sid looked up at her then up at the alter. He felt sick when he saw the urn. His beanie sat down beside it. Michelle noticed the fury that took over his face. "Sid?" She squeezed his hand. "Who put Cassie in a.." he was shaking now.

Michelle looked over at Sid, then at Tony. The funeral started, the family members walked in. Sid looked down- he felt a hand squeeze his shoulder but only looked up after it passed- Cassie's mom. "I'm gonna be sick," Sid whispered. "Let me out." Jal obliged, and he managed to calmly walk out of the sanctuary and bent over, holding his knees, on the church doorstep.

It wasn't until he heard Tony's distinct footsteps behind him that he had the urge to run, so he did. Tony's car was parked near the church so he was able to follow him. Sid ran far. He got all the way to the beach before he got exhausted and slowed down. Sid knelt down and dry heaved- nothing to throw up. Tony sat down on next to him, putting his hand on his back. "When's the last time you ate, Sid?" Sid put his hands down in the sand and heaved again, hungry now.

"Bite of curry at my mom's...before that, froot loops the night she..." he heaved again, then put his head in his hands, lightheaded. "I need to be with Cassie..." he whispered. He pictured the urn again. His girlfriend's body- gone. He wasn't prepared for that. He sat up and picked some sand up in his hands. Tony squeezed his shoulder then put his hand back in his lap. They just sat and watched the ocean. "Don't make me go back there, Tone..."

"It's okay. We can go wherever you want."

Sid looked back at him. "Can we go eat?"

Tony smiled, glad to hear he was hungry, and got up, extending his hand which Sid pulled himself up on.
"Yes. Let's go."

Sid ate well, devouring the hamburger fries, and milkshake Tony ordered for him. Tony noticed immediately how he lit up. They spent the day together, and Tony let Sid forget about everything. They played football all afternoon, and watched movies. Sid was doing well for a few days. No one at school mentioned Cassie to him, until the director suggested he clean out her locker.

He stood and looked at it all day. Tony and Michelle noticed him as they were leaving. "There you are, Sid. We've been looking for you." Tony clapped his shoulder. "Sid?" Michelle asked.

Tony noticed his eyes glazed over, the deadened look on his face. "What are you doing, Sid?"

"They told me to clean her locker out..."

He went to touch the locker and hesitated, putting his hand on his chin instead.

"Do you want us to do it, Sid?" Sid shook his head, sighed, and opened the locker, knowing Cassie's was broken and she never used the code. Without looking, he opened his backpack and began shovelling stuff into it. Michelle picked up something from the floor - a charm bracelet Sid gave Cassie when they went on their first date. Sid looked down at it and shook his head, got back to the locker. He tore her pictures off the locker wall - mostly fashion magazine clips.

He stopped and looked at a picture of himself from when they first met - him, Tony and Max at the pub together, a heart drawn on Sid. This must have been from her crush-on-Sid phase. He put the picture in his pocket. One of her notebooks, the last thing in the locker, was open when he picked it up. I HEART SID, SID JENKINS, CASSIE JENKINS, SID AND CASSIE JENKINS, MR. AND MRS. JENKINS, CASSIE+SID was scribbled and drawn all over the pages.

He flipped over and found a note passing session with Cassie and Jal's handwriting.

He'll be at that party tonight, right?
No...we're going on a date.
A date?
Yeah...I'm so excited.
You've got it BAD, Cassie.
SHUT UP He just looked over here!

Sid dropped the notebook into her bag and closed the locker. Tony but his hand on his shoulder. "Me and Michelle are going to grab some food. Come with us."

Sid went with them, but didn't eat. Tony and Michelle glanced at each other as he just stared over their shoulders, only nodding when he was talked to, unresponsive to any questions that weren't Yes or No. Both of them knew, Michelle especially, it was dangerous when he started to fade like this. They went home and watched TV. Tony let Sid stay with him partly because Sid didn't want to be around Cassie's room, and partly because he was afraid of Sid killing himself. Both he and Michelle knew Sid inside and out.

More importantly, Michelle was his neighbor growing up and heard the ambulances the past few times he'd attempted suicide when he was young. She'd seen him in the ambulance. They knew, she especially, when he wasn't okay. Sid started to fall asleep and Tony decided to leave Sid alone with Michelle so he could go out. Michelle heard Sid groan in his sleep and pulled herself up to the couch, turn the TV off, wrapped her arm around him.

He opened his eyes, leaned into her shoulder. She kissed his forehead. "I can't do this, Chelle..."

"You're doing fine, Sid."

Sid took in a heavy sigh and snuggled himself closer to her. He shook his head. "I can't...this...all of it...I can't even cry anymore. Too much energy."

"You do in your sleep," she noted.

"I'm gonna become a burden to Tony..."

"You took care of Tony for three months, Sid, and he couldn't even talk. I don't think you'll be a burden for a good long time." Sid felt cruel planning a suicide while Michelle rubbed his back, thinking she was comforting him, really making a difference. "Let us carry you through this, Sid."

"Isn't that what you guys've been doing already?" Michelle rested her head on his. "Tony's locked up all the pills and knives, hasn't he?"

"Yep. Sure has. And we're not supposed to leave you alone."

"Fantastic. A bit paranoid, yeah?"

"It's you, Sid. Of course he's paranoid. Tony loves you more than anything."

"Do you think I'm going to kill myself, too?"

"I know you, Sid."

Sid sat up. "I haven't tried since I was fourteen. Get off it." He got up to get a shower.

"You're important to me, Sid,"

"I know, Chelle."

Sid sat in the shower that night, zoning himself out again, He turned the water up all the way, letting it burn his skin. He sat until he heard the door open. He looked up at Tony wild eyed and spaced. He'd let the water get freezing. Tony turned the water off and sat down on the tile.

"I can't fucking wake up..." Sid whispered. "I'm numb. And I can't wake up." Tony passed Sid a towel. He just put it on his lap.

"You should sleep, Sid. You'll feel better in the morning." After Tony left the bathroom, Sid got up and put his clothes on and lay on the couch. He waited until Tony was asleep before quickly sneaking out of Tony's apartment. It was decided then. He had to do it.

Sid hesitated before diving in. he just swam, and waited until he got tired. He started having trouble breathing, and he heard Tony scream his name as he let himself sink. He heard the splash, and held himself down under a rock. He was just about to give up and let himself float when his head knocked on something hard, and everything went black.

Ch. 4

Sid woke up, startled. He looked around, disoriented. His and Cassie's wedding pictures adorned the walls. He heard the door open downstairs and jumped up, running down. He tackled Cassie with a hug at the door and made her drop the bag of groceries she was carrying. "Sid- you're crazy-what the fuck is wrong?" He didn't answer but kissed her neck, savoring the salt of her skin, and paused at her shoulders, breathing her in.

He kissed her cheek slowly then smelled her hair- the lavender shampoo that always made him able to fall asleep at night. "You're...You're..." His breath as he spoke tickled her neck, so she leaned against the door and pushed him away.

"Sid. Stop."

He was a mess- just woken up, in his underwear, his hair greasy and going every which way. Both his eyes gave away his confusion and fear. "You're alive..." Cassie put her hand on his forehead - he'd been sweating, but there was no fever.

"Um...of course I am. I...just went to get groceries. You were asleep." Sid looked down, blush creeping up his neck, the first thing he did that seemed like him because Sid was always blushing.

She followed him as he went and sat on the couch.

"What's wrong, Sid?"

"We're married..."

"That's not something you say when someone asks you what's wrong. Especially your wife. I'm calling you in sick for work."

"Work?" He questioned. While she talked on the phone Sid looked around - his lanyard lay on the coffee table - he observed the photo of him, bored and unamused, and SID JENKINS - Career Advisor typed under it. There was still a HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CASSIE banner on the wall. So it was May. A card on the mantle said 'Happy 21st' which made Sid 22.

Cassie sat back down by him. "We're married," he repeated. Cassie crossed her arms and legs.

"Happily," she clarified with a frown.

"I think I had the most realistic, longest fucking horrible nightmare in existence..."

"What happened?"

"You...you killed yourself."

"Sid?" the frown faded and she scooted closer to him, put her hand ontop of his.

"Then I killed myself." he sounded confused. "I'm not in heaven, am I?"

Cassie shook her head. "Bristol."

"You didn't kill yourself."

"I tried. You're telling me you don't remember this, Sid?" He looked up at her.

"We were roommates. You, me, and Chris. I tried to kill myself, but you took me to hospital. Chris died a week later. We got married a year ago. What's going on Sid? Did you fall out of bed and hit your head or something?"

Sid shrugged and lay across her, resting his head on her shoulder, slinging his arm around her, his eyes meeting hers.

"I'm alive."

"You're alive," Cassie smiled sweetly. His heart beat fast- minutes ago he was convinced he'd never see that smile again.

"You're alive."

"I'm alive."

"We're married."

"Just over a year."

He pulled himself up to kiss her. For all intents and purposes, it felt like the first time. "It was just a nightmare."

Cassie leaned down to kiss him back.

"A really bad one." She stroked his hair for a bit and then paused before speaking again. "In the dream, Sid...you killed yourself because I did?"

Sid nodded. "Promise me you won't ever do that?" He gave her a weird look, sat up and shook his head. "What?" She sounded surprised.

"No. I won't ever promise you that. In fact it's one promise I refuse to make to you."

"Sid..."

"No. Cass. The feelings in that dream were so fucking real. I couldn't do it. No. Fuck no. I won't promise that."

She looked down, frowning, rubbing gently at her stomach.

"You can live without me Sid." He tipped her chin up with his finger.

"First of all, no. No I can't. Second of all, why are we even having this discussion?"

"You've lived without me before."

"Yeah, but we were broken up, Cass. That's a whole world of different. Your heart's still beating. Still alive."

Cass took her hand off her stomach. "What if...we had a kid?" She said curiously. Her hand having just been on her stomach didn't seem to phase him.

"Ummmm..besides that not being part of the plan that we discussed, what do you mean?"

That stung her. She agreed, however, this made it all that much harder to tell him that she may just be pregnant. He wasn't observant enough to notice the absence of pads and tampons, though, so she could still get away without telling him.

"I mean...if we had a kid someday. And you had the kid. And I died. What then?"

Sid shrugged. "I mean I suppose if I had the kid..."

Cassie kissed him. "But can we stop talking about this, Cass? It's depressing." Cassie laughed and got up.

"Yes. Yes we can. I am going to shower. You put the groceries away and clean up the mess, and if you do it quick enough to catch me, you can join me, stinky." He got up and gave her a playful look.

"Oh, stinky, huh?" To tease her he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, making sure to raise his arms.

"Yes, stinky," she giggled. "You - gross." She smacked at his ass, making him go "Uh!" before smiling and running up the stairs.

"Hurry, Sid..." she said as she turned on the shower. With a grin on his face, he cleaned up the spilled milk and put the salvageable groceries away gladly.

Alt ending #1 Silent Vow

Tony stripped down to his boxers and dove in, swimming as fast as he could. By the time he grabbed onto the rock, Sid had sunk. he felt something pass by his feet and dove down, just barely grabbed on to Sid's sweatshirt and pulled him up, almost sinking himself, and wrapped his arm close around Sid. He looked down at him, panic striking him as he noticed Sid's lips - blue, his skin porcelain. Tony swam as fast as he could, which wasn't very fast, trying to keep Sid above water.

Finally he dragged him up to the sand and dropped him. Nothing. Tony hadn't taken CPR in years, but he tried, pushing on his chest and breathing for him alternately. "Come on, Sid, You little fuck." Nothing was happening. He was getting tired, so he just breathed for him to be able to see Sid's chest rise and fall. He slapped Sid and tried the compressions one more time.

Sid came to with the slap on his face. He tried breathing but ended up coughing up water, and the slap came again. "Come on, Sid," Tony urged. Sid coughed up more water and opened his eyes. "How fucking stupid are you, Sid?" Tony yelled, filled with relief. Sid coughed again, looked up at Tony, and groaned "fuck" before closing his eyes again.

"Yeah, fuck is right. What the hell?" Sid didn't bother trying to explain.

Tony put his pants and shirt on and helped Sid up, got him to his car. Sid just leaned back and closed his eyes, willing himself to fall asleep, and maybe end back up on the water. When he woke up, he was in the hospital. He raised his arm up to see the IV in his hand, looked up see the bag of saline attached. he closed his eyes again but noticed Michelle walking over to him. "Sid?" She pulled up her chair.

He wasn't tired, so he opened his eyes. "Oh Sid..." She grabbed his hand, stood up, and embraced him. Sid just lay there, unresponsive. "Sid...you can't do that."

She kissed his cheek and looked down at him. He looked back at her but refused to say anything. He kept the silent act up even through the psych evaluator coming to talk to him. He just looked at the floor or glared at her. He kept it up for days, after being put in the psych ward. Tony or Michelle visited him at every opportunity, but he wouldn't give them anything.

Michelle leaned forward to him, taking his hand. "Are you mad that you're here, Sid?" He glared at her. Fucking obviously. "They won't let you out unless you..." she stopped. He grabbed his mini notebook from his pocket and scribbled.

Cassie's gone. I almost got to see her again and Tony fucked it up. What the fuck are you expecting from me?

He slid the paper across to her and crossed his arms. He closed his eyes and cringed as she started crying after reading it.

"You're not the only one who loved her, Sid. You're not the only one who misses her." She slid the notebook back to him.

Have you told anyone? Does my mom know?

"No, Sid. Do you want her to know?" Sid nodded. He needed her. He knew she'd be disappointed but he wanted to see her. "Are you still suicidal, Sid?" Michelle hoped for an answer. Sid rolled his eyes.

She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "I'll be back soon, Sid. I'll call your mom." Sid didn't talk to anyone - not his psychiatrist, who felt frustrated, finding it hard to diagnose unknown symptoms, or his psychologist, who didn't mind it at all, and just sat with him, waiting for him to be ready. Sid liked that the best, being with someone who didn't try and make him talk. His mom came to see him. \

He saw her and got up, rushed over to see her, wordless but his eyes said everything, the expression on his face akin to a five year old with a cut on his knee. "Oh, Sidney..."They hugged for a long time. Sid pulled away and walked over to the lobby couch and sat down. Elizabeth held him again, rocking him softly and rubbing his shoulders. He gave a sigh.

"Tony said you've stopped speaking, love." He didn't respond. Tony was the only one outside of his psychologist who didn't try to make him talk. Sid kissed her hand and nestled his head in her shoulder.
"Have you been eating, Sid?" Still no answer, but she knew the answer - he'd visibly lost weight and looked scary. "We've done this before. You can beat this." Sid shook his head and took out the notebook.

This is attempt 4. They're not letting me out even if I talk.

"If you work at it, they will."

PLEASE get me out of here, Mom.

He held the notebook up to her.

"No, sweetheart. I'm afraid you're just going to do something again." He stayed silent. "I know you feel like this won't get better, Sid. But it will. It'll get easier to be alive while Cassie's dead."

His psychologist talked on their fourth appointment, midway through it. Sid looked up, surprised, as he cleared his throat.

"Sid, are you afraid to speak, or are you protesting?"

Afraid. He looked down.

"See, because it makes sense you'd be afraid."

Sid was tempted to ask why. He just gave him a questioning look.

"Cassie. She killed herself?"

Sid nodded, eyes filling up with tears.

"Something tells me this wasn't just a teenage romance."

Tears ran down Sid's cheeks as he shook his head.

"That's the first time you've cried since you've been here." Sid shrugged. He hadn't cried since before he tried to drown himself.

"You've been pissed, though. We could tell that much." Sid gave a slight nod, sniffling and wiping his eyes.

"At your friend, for bringing you in?"

Sid pulled the notebook out, a first.

Not just him.

He held it up to him.

"Who else, Sid?" Sid held his pen to the notebook, unsure if he wanted to get it out there or say something. "You can speak, if you want. It's safe here."

Sid tapped his pen.

"Who are you angry at?"

ME

He held it up again.

"That's interesting. What did you do?"

The tears came too strong and Sid clenched his fist, bit his his lip to stop it.

"It's safe here, Sid. Those tears won't hurt you." Sid leaned back on the couch and covered his face with his hands, letting his voice out while he cried. The psychologist just waited and let him sob, loud with moans, so he could barely breathe, until he calmed down. He crossed his arms and picked up the notebook.

The psychiatrist leaned forward in his chair. "What did you do?"

CASSIE, he wrote, not wanting to explain it.

"I'm gonna assume you mean the suicide, not having sex with her, because not many teenage boys feel guilty for having sex with their girlfriends."

Guilty because I wouldn't...

"You wouldn't have sex with her?" Sid sighed. It was getting harder not to speak.

"I've said too much," he finally muttered.

"I disagree," the psych joked, "these are the first words you've uttered since I've met you." Sid laughed.

"Um... the night it happened. She tried to give me head. But I wouldn't do it."

"Why?"

"She thought she owed it to me because I was laying in bed with her. Our relationship was...interesting."

"How so?"

"We never actually...um...well, we dated when we were young, but we never actually did the boyfriend girlfriend thing."

"Because you wanted that?"

"She did. I spent her life begging her. I think she was afraid to let me in that close. We did have sex once, though."

"And?"

"She cried."

The psychiatrist laughed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed at you for that. It was unexpected." Sid shrugged.

"I apparently gave her the first and only orgasm she ever had. Which was weird, because she slept around all the time. But she was on this medication that took her sex drive and all libido away. And her ability to orgasm, which goes on the list of things I should've picked up on."

"She still slept around all the time?" They were going over, but the psych didn't want to stop. He was afraid, that, if he did, Sid wouldn't talk again.

"Yeah. For drugs, I think. I'm pretty sure she got raped the day she died." Tears came again and guilt stung him.

"Do you feel guilty for that?" Sid nodded.

"Why?"

"I was so casual with her. All I did was text her and tell her she should come home that night, but I fucking knew what she was doing. She was lucky. Dude could've fucking killed her."

"You don't think you did enough to stop it."

"I could've convinced her to stop. Not to go that day. She came home with..." he paused while the crying got more intense. "With bruises on her collarbone and on the insides of her thighs. I didn't even fucking ask her if..." Overwhelmed, he put his head in his hands. "She texted me that she needed me, she was in the bathroom. I walked in and she was...she was sitting in the shower and she'd let it go entirely cold and she was freezing. She'd cut her thigh. She'd cut it bad."

"How'd you react?"

"I held her for a little while. She just wanted me to hold her. She seemed to calm down whenever I did that. Then I bandaged the cut. She said she was hungry and I made her food. Then we were laying there kissing-"

"So, was she with you and sleeping around?"

Sid shrugged. "I took whatever I could get. She did kind of play around with me in that sense, though. I was spineless enough not to care."

"But she uh - she tried to give me head. I wouldn't let her. When we had sex that time, she seemed surprised that I didn't just fuck her and toss her aside. And I can't...I can't think about someone doing that to her. I had to listen to it enough times. I don't think she knew that sex was supposed to be enjoyable. I really, really don't think she had a fucking clue."

"But you showed that to her - if only once."

"I think she felt betrayed, or something. Because she pulled down my underwear and I wasn't hard. Not that I didn't want her giving me head. Believe me. I wanted it. Just..."

"Not like that."

"Because I love her."

"What about the suicide?"

Sid shrugged. "I sat outside of her door waiting for her to let me in. She gave me so many fucking clues. Like, referring to me in past tense."

"The thing about that is that there's no way you could've caught on, Sid."

"Really?" Sid challenged.

"It's normal to feel guilty when someone you love kills themselves. It's normal to think - why didn't I notice this? What we forget is they didn't want you thinking about it, and you could not have stopped it."

"Not true."

"Which part?"

"Could not have stopped it."

"Why do you say?"

"Tony stopped me from killing myself, didn't he? I mean, I did everything in my fucking power but he just walked right on in there and-"

"Barely, Sid. He barely stopped you."

"Yeah - but he did stop me. And if I wasn't such a spineless fuck I could've walked in her room - I could've let her give me head in the first place."

"You think that would've stopped her?"

No, the thought occurred to Sid. She was planning it beforehand. He shook his head. "No."

"Could Tony have stopped you from jumping?"

Sid shook his head.

"What about Cassie?"

Sid looked up. "What about her?"

"If you had it in your head while you were dating her - would she have been able to stop you?"

Sid thought about it for a minute. "No."

He felt eager to change the subject so he came to the first thing that popped into his mind. "The worst part- I don't think I should've gone to her funeral."

"Why?"

"I barely went anyway. I kind of...I didn't think about her until the funeral. I made myself forget, on some level. If that makes sense."

"Yes it does."

"And...I...I looked up and saw her urn." He cringed even saying it.

"Yeah?"

"If there would've been anything in my stomach, I would've thrown up. But...my girlfriend. It was kind of like...she's gone." He choked on the word gone. "I feel stupid for that still punching a hole in my stomach. She's been gone for long enough for it to sink in."

"But not long enough for it to stop hurting."
"Something about her body disappearing made it final. I don't think I...I don't think I've ever gotten past that. I just kind of ignored it."

"You don't have to get over it, Sid. You loved her- and she died. This is supposed to be hard on you."

"When does it get easier?"

"There's not an easy answer for that. It fades slowly, weeks, months. You'll just look back one day and notice you can breathe easier."

Sid nodded, but he was displeased. He wanted something tangible, something to look forward to.

"Here's what I want you to know, Sid. Cassie dying wasn't your fault. It sounds cliche, but you've been holding in a bunch of guilt, and I can tell you're still beating yourself up."

Sid looked up at him. He was right. It was hopelessly cliche.

"Our time's up, Sid."

"What do you think about me going home?"

"Not yet, but you're getting closer. Keep up talking, and we'll see."

Disappointed, he walked out from the office. But it did get better. The more he talked, the lighter his heart felt. Slowly, though. Ounces at a time, he felt like he could breathe, but only if he talked. On his birthday, they discharged him, and Tony came to get him, greeting him with a hug that Sid didn't let him go from. "I'm sorry, Tony."

"It's okay, Sid. Don't apologize anymore. I'm just glad you're better."

"Don't let this ruin us, please? The fact that I tried to kill myself and you found me?"

"It's not going to ruin us, Sid. Now get off me." Sid smiled and pulled away, then got into Tony's car. A pack of cigarettes with a bow ontop of them sat on the passenger seat. Sid laughed and picked them up. "Thank you, Tony. Just what I wanted. You know, besides getting the hell out of there." He shook the pack before unwrapping it and getting one out. Tony handed him his lighter and he opened the window, lit his cigarette, and took his first drag. "Yeah, now I'm free," he said on exhale. He looked over at Tony. "Where are we going?"

"Out. It's a surprise."

He didn't pressure him, but they ended up at a restaurant that had opened up since Sid had been in hospital. Tony walked Sid in and it was completely dark. "What the...what?" He heard someone whisper 'oh for fuck's sake' and the lights turned on and everyone
screamed SURPRISE and instantly, he was surrounded by laughing and doused in silly string. Jal was the first to jump at him with a hug. He kissed her cheek.

"Hey there, Jal." She tousled his hair.

"Another year, huh?" She smiled at him. Sid nodded. "Yeah, another year." He made the rounds with everyone, noticing Cassie's absence bitterly, but he didn't go numb, and he was still able to smile at everyone.

Maxxie fit a hat around him. "There we go. Now he's the birthday boy." He made his rounds around the room, but took a while to get to Michelle. He ended up pulling her outside to the balcony and she instantly pulled him into a hug. He felt the tears on his shoulder. He held her and kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry for putting you through this again, Michelle." She shook her head.

"I'm just glad you're here. Every year's like this. So fucking thankful we still have you." Sid rubbed her back.

"I'm not going anywhere, Chelle." She dried her eyes and they leaned over the balcony together. He looked over at her to see she was crying again.

"Thinking about Cassie, too?" She nodded.

"Yeah. I think she'd be happy though. She'd be here if she could but...I think she'd be happy with this." Sid nodded.

"Kinda feels like she is. Even though she's not. And not in some cheesy always-in-your-heart type of way. We're all melded so close, Chelle, especially me, you, Tony and her. And her and Chris. It's like...we don't exist without her. And that doesn't change. Ever. So when I'm with everyone it feels like she's here. In a good way. Like, it doesn't make me fade out anymore."

Michelle leaned her head on his shoulder and they let that statement seal it. "Happy birthday, Sid." She took his hand and he squeezed it. "Thanks, Chelle."

Alt. Ending 2

Alt ending 2. Just sleep here.

After swallowing all of the pills, Cassie could only think one thing. Sid's arms. She needed him. She would die in his arms. Peaceful. She'd be happy.

And he'd survive. So she timidly opened the door. He looked up at her and she gave a nervous gulp, afraid that her disposition gave everything away. "Sleep with me tonight, Sid?" he got up.
"Of course."

Cassie lay in her bed, and Sid took off his shirt and pants and lay beside her. He looked down her, arms wrapped around each others' backs. She started feeling sleepy, and her heart pounded slowly - like a drum. She traced his eyebrows, the funny mole above his right eyebrow that his hair usually covered. He kissed her but only briefly, tasting the ethanol. "You..." he looked around the room, eyes locking on the vanity and all the pill bottles. "You a walking pharmacy now, Cass?"

She pulled him down for another kiss. "You know me and Chris, Sid. It's what we do." He kissed her back, and her heart started to pound, so she shifted to her side. Please don't feel my chest, she begged silently. He wrapped his arms around her stomach and rested his head on her shoulder.

He closed his eyes until he heard her gasping fast, repeatedly, as if she was having really good sex. He looked over her- she was sweaty and her eyes were shut. He lifted up her comforter and looked down - her hands rested by her pillow. "Cass?"
"Hmmm?" Sid pulled one hand from her stomach and felt her forehead. "You okay?"

She was burning up. Cassie lay down on her stomach. Her heart pounded so fast she thought it was going to explode- the pills. It was too late to take it back, no matter how wonderful it felt here, with Sid, how many nights she'd like to spend like this with him. Her heart beat so fast she was having trouble breathing. "Nothing I'm fine just...just go to sleep..." She slurred. He propped himself up.

She wasn't drunk a second ago. "Turn around- Cass-" he sat up and flipped her over. Cassie blinked and tried to focus on him. Her face was pale and her dry tongue tickled her lips. Sid's arm brushed her chest and he stopped, felt her heart going crazy. "Shit- Cass!" He looked from her to the vanity, piecing it together. Cassie's eyelids fluttered before closing. "Oh...shit..." he scrambled to his feet and got his clothes on.

"Just hold me...I want to go to sleep..." her breathing slowed down as she trailed off.

"Cass!" Sid yelled. "No. Don't go to sleep."

"CHRIS!" He screamed, slapping Cassie and pulling her up to try to get her to wake up. Chris opened the door.

"What the fu-"

"Call an ambulance. She's overdosed." Cassie was very much awake - she could feel everything - the harsh slap on the face, the cut on her thigh opening and running, cool, down her leg, Sid's hands on her arms and his lips on her forehead. Ironically, her senses were sharp. She could hear every sharp breath Sid took, the mattress creaking, a branch scraping against the window.

Her heartbeat got almost too fast for her to breathe and she wanted to scream but she couldn't tell whether her mouth was open or not. The oxygen mask and the cool of the ambulance came as a sudden relief, but all she wanted to know was where Sid was, and she calmed down the moment she heard him clear his throat, slip his hand into hers. "What did you take, darling?" Cassie opened her eyes, the medicine the nurse injected into her making her alert. She watched as the 2 EMTs stuck more needles into her arms and Sid's hand went away, only to reappear on her shoulder. She looked over at Sid, who handed the bag of pill bottles to the EMT and looked down at her nervously. Cassie put her hand on his knee and closed her eyes again.

When she woke up, Sid wasn't there, but a nurse glared down at her, shoved a straw down her mouth and told Cassie to drink. Cassie shuddered as she sucked it down, nauseatingly sweet burnt toast spending way too much time on her taste buds. Hands poked and prodded at her and her body twitched despite everyone telling her to lay still. Through all of this the nurse angrily repeated herself. "Drink! Drink! Drink!" Cassie almost choked, but she did.

She felt her legs being spread apart and nodded, scared, when they asked if they could perform a rape kit. She pulled away, and, before the nurse shoved the straw back into her mouth, she screamed for Sid and closed her legs. Not without him. That was too much. She needed him. Finally, they took the cup away and she cringed, closing her eyes, coughing, but she felt the soft fabric of his t-shirt, leaning over her and she rested her head on him.

Sid pulled up a chair and sat while leaning over Cassie protectively. "Cass I've got you, it's okay now."

"They're gonna..."

"I know. I know. Hold my hand, okay?" She gripped it and he gripped back for her lack of strength. She cringed and spread her legs open again. Sid stroked her hair behind her ear. "They aren't going to hurt you, Cass." Cassie closed her eyes and tried to pretend it was Sid touching her. She heard the nurse ask him if he'd submit a DNA sample to rule himself out.

"He didn't do it!" she protested. Sid extended his arm for the nurse to draw his blood. "It's alright, Cass. It's not going to hurt." She fell asleep again, and when she woke up Sid was laying beside her, checking the text messages on his phone. They were in a different, calmer room. Again, she fell asleep, and woke up again to find him sitting up beside her. "Awake now?" He asked gently. She felt drowsy but, yes, awake.

"How long did I sleep for?"

"Most of two days, on and off."

He stroked the side of her face and she took his hand.

"They got my DNA sample. Said I'm clear. That I didn't rape you." Cassie laughed.

"I told them that."

Sid sighed, squeezed her hand. "Yeah but now the cops will believe it."

"I don't want to explain everything, Sid..."

"You don't have to. You can just lay here with me." She was confused. Everything about him ran contrary to what she was used to or expected. He didn't do anything to her without asking. When she asked him to come, he came. When she asked him to leave, he left. He didn't expect sex from her, which was a first. He didn't expect anything from her, really.

"Sleep with me like that every night, Sid."

"Minus the overdosing, and you've got a deal."

She looked up at him and he looked expectantly down at her. "Deal." He leaned down to kiss her but she pulled away. "I probably taste like charcoal." He conceded and she just leaned her head on his chest and closed her eyes again.

pArt 2

Sid tapped his desk, bored. Framed pictures of him and Cassie sat at several places. One of them as teenagers sat facing away from him for the students to see, and their wedding picture faced him. Naomi, promising in her A-levels, sat reading a brochure about Cambridge.
"I just...I don't know yet, you know? How am I supposed to commit to this if I don't know? I don't even know if I want to go to Uni."

Sid bit his lip and crossed his leg over his knee. "Well, you've got time left, Naomi. You don't have to nail anything down yet, but I really think you'd do well at Cambridge, and you need to give it some thought, at least."

She rolled her eyes at him and put the brochure down on his desk. "What if I've pretty much decided...you know...fuck education. I want to travel for a year instead." Sid shrugged.

"Then that's what you decide. I mean, that'd be good for you too, but if you don't even consider going to one of the world's best Universities you're selling yourself short."

She looked at him weird. "Not what I expected to hear. Most adults have been telling me how stupid I'd be to pass up Uni." Sid cleared his throat.

"I became a milkman after college and moved to New York. Not everyone goes straight to Uni." His phone rang, so he held his finger up and answered it.

"Sid? It's Cassie," came his receptionist. "Put her through," he said, feeling very professional and whispering to Naomi it'd just be one second. He heard the line transfer. "Sid Jenkins, Career Advisor speaking..." he said it with a smile that made Naomi laugh. He then heard Cassie sniffle. "Cass?"

"Hey Sid, can you come home?"

"Umm...I don't know. Is everything okay?"

"I just need to talk to you...I just need you to come home." He heard the tears in her voice. "Let me check." Naomi was his last student appointment, and then he had staff meetings for the rest of the day. "Ummm..."

"It's fine if you can't. Sorry I bothered you."
"No, Cass I think I can, okay? I should be home within, like, a half an hour. Need me to bring anything home?" He reached in his desk drawer to get his keys.

"No. Just you."

"Okay, love. Be there soon." He resisted the urge to make kissing noises at the phone as he hung up. "Right," he said, looking at Naomi. "So...you have another appointment with me...next week. Take that brochure, and head out early."
"Nice!" He wanted to tell her to go study or something, but was pretty well aware she was going outside to smoke. She waved bye to him as she left the office. He called the school director and got it cleared to go home early, and, on the way, stopped and picked up a rose for Cassie. "Cass?" He called out as he walked in the house, but got no answer. He ran upstairs to find her sitting on the couch in their room. "Cass?" She sat wrapped in a bath towel, hair still wet from a shower.

He leaned over to kiss her and got no reply to that, either, and handed her the rose. "Oh wow...thanks, Sid."

"So what's wrong, Cass, you've got me worried." He sat down beside her and turned toward her.

"I um...I went to the doctor today," she said after clearing her throat, staring straight ahead. Sid kept looking where he thought her eyes were going as if there would be a clue.

"And...?" He was starting to get freaked out, every single worst case scenario running through his mind and shooting electricity through his body. He scooted closer and put his hand on her back. She sighed nervously, thinking here goes nothing, and reached down to her purse and pulled out the ultrasound picture, handing it to him, and closed her eyes. Sid drew in his breath and held it. He could barely make out the shapes.

"That's a..." he read the type at the top left corner of the photo. CASSANDRA JENKINS. He turned the photo around to see 4 MONTHS written in blue ink. "Baby." He looked from Cassie to the picture. Cassie got up, stood in front of him, and took her towel off. She was showing a little bit, now that he thought about it, and he wondered how the hell he hadn't noticed.

"They said I wasn't showing that much because my uterus is tilted." He didn't quite know how to react.

"Sid...please say something." He looked from her belly to her eyes, and she was about ready to cry. He leaned over and kissed her belly button then got up and kissed her, wrapping his arms around her, letting her start crying. "I know it's not part of the plan, Sid..." He felt a laugh involuntarily rise out of him.

"Yeah but Cass," he wrapped his hands around her neck, "we're gonna have a BABY!" He smiled down at her, and they both started laughing, nervous, oh-shit this is really happening laughs and then tearful laughs.

Part 3

Sid turned off his headlights, but sat outside of Tony's dorm room, staring up at the massive building. They hadn't spoken in months. Despite their best intentions, their friendship did unravel with time. They saw each other at Christmas parties, but mainly exchanged cordial hi and how are yous. Tony had barely been home since he went to Cardiff and Sid had chased Cassie to New York after school ended. They moved back a month later, and now they'd been married a year and Cassie was 7 months pregnant.

Tony had been absent from all of it, and last night, when Cassie began choking and collapsed on their kitchen floor, it occurred to Sid that none of this was right. Tony should be here for all of this. So Sid left Cassie in the hospital with her parents, comatose but stable, and drove all the way to Cardiff. He just sat there in his car all night, staring. No sign of Tony, so he sat and watched people file in and out of the building. Finally, the sun came up. He'd been there for far too long.

Sid looked back down at the sharpie writing on his palm. 2235A. He got out of the car, took his beanie off, shut the door and started walking. He bumped into a couple of people and decided to take the stairs instead of socialize in the elevators. He stood outside of Tony's room for a few minutes, hesitating. There was a marker board with various messages on it.

He raised his fist to knock when the door opened, and Tony opened it, holding his cellphone to his ear. He stopped talking and hung up the phone upon seeing Sid. "Uh...Sid?" He quickly let him inside, a spacious room with two beds lofted upon the ceiling, with a bunk bed kind of look. Bean bag chairs of various colors were assorted around the room. Neither said anything, but Tony could tell Sid hadn't slept.

"I have to go to class, Sid." He merely had to push Sid toward his bed gently and Sid fell over onto it, eyes falling closed and his breath indicating deep sleep within seconds. When he opened his eyes again, it was dark, and Tony was sitting in one of the bean bag chairs. A styrofoam box, smelling wonderful, was pulled up to him on one of the non-bean-bag chairs, a beer sitting beside it on the floor. Oh, so soothing and inviting.

Tony was digging into his food. Sid rubbed his eyes and sat up. "How long did I sleep?"

"20 hours exactly."

Sid felt like he'd been hit by a truck.

"Eat. It'll make you feel better. Cafe down the street makes the best curry...I swear Sid. It's magic."

That was their make-up food. At the end of any big fight, one merely needed to buy the other curry and all would be well again. Sid pulled the styrofoam box onto his lap and opened it. Curry. Glorious curry. He murmured 'cheers' and dug in.

Neither of them spoke until the food was consumed.

"Not that you aren't welcome Sid, but..why exactly are you here?" Sid crossed his legs on the bed.

"I'm just...I'm sorry. I wasn't really thinking. I realized things aren't really...right. So much shit happened, Tony. You've been there for none of it, and it's not your fault. I haven't called you. But still."

"What happened, Sid? What's wrong?"

Tony had already noticed the platinum band on Sid's finger, and figured enough that he and Cassie got married. He tried to ignore how much it stung that he wasn't the best man, which had always been the plan. He wasn't even invited to the wedding. He didn't even know. Sid shook his head.

"I got married to Cassie."

"Figured."

"We're pregnant and..." Sid shrugged. Tony let him be silent. It was clear Sid was trying to get the words out.

"She was bleeding. She was on the kitchen floor...bleeding..."

"What happened?"

Sid grimaced, angry and hurt enough still that he couldn't bear to say it.

Cassie had told Sid that she was going to New York with her mom for the weekend and instead went to Mexico to get the lap-band surgery from some shady doctor who didn't even do it correctly. Of course, she couldn't get it anywhere else. She was much too thin. But she did, for reasons Sid couldn't begin to comprehend. And she'd been sick for a while, especially with the baby but Sid just figured she didn't feel like eating because of the nausea.

The band slipped, and he heard her scream but it took him too long to get up the stairs. He'd honestly thought she was dead, and seeing her in the hospital bed brought Tony to his mind and he needed to see him again, functional - not lying in a hospital bed, destroyed by the bus. Sid kept trying to say it but he ended up crying, and he put his head in his hand to stop it.

"Okay," said Tony quietly.

Sid reached down for the beer and gulped most of it down.

"So," said Sid shakily, "how's Uni?"

"Good. People are nice...but nothing's really new." Sid finished his beer and crushed the can.

"You're gonna be a dad, huh?" Tony mused. Sid chuckled.

"Yeah."

Chapter 2.

Cassie woke up alone. She heard Sid's voice, and Tony's. She just couldn't remember when, and she couldn't move. All she could see was the white ceiling. She couldn't even scream, but she could feel the baby kicking. Thank God.

She finally moved her head to the side and noticed Sid's sweatshirt draped over the bedside chair, confirmation that he was there. He walked in, yawning. He looked like he hadn't showered in days. Cassie couldn't remember anything. Sid stopped, looked down at her, surprised, and kissed her forehead, stroking her hair.

"You're awake. Thank God, you're awake." She just looked up at him, and could feel his tears drop onto his forehead. She coughed, noticing the feeding tube for the first time and started to get claustrophobic. Sid noticed, and shushed her gently, kissing her forehead again, and called for a nurse. The nurse took the feeding tube out, Sid sitting on the bed facing her and holding both of her hands.

Cassie coughed and tried to speak hoarsely. Sid moved closer to her after the nurse finished taking vitals. Cassie blinked and it started to come back to her - the band slipping, choking, Sid's voice screaming at her before everything turned black.

"Oh Sid..." she managed to get out before another cough. Sid squeezed her hand and rested his other hand on her belly, rubbing it as the baby kicked.

"The baby's fine. They uh...They took the band out." She ignored the panic that rose up in her as she noticed Sid wasn't looking at her.

"I'm so sorry..."

Sid gritted his teeth stubbornly and let a couple of tears run down his face.

"I wouldn't have been mad at you, Cassie..." he whispered. Cassie squeezed his hand. He scooted up and lay down beside her, curling up to her, his legs across hers. Cassie sighed in relief when he took her hand and rested his head on her shoulder. She rubbed his arm which lay extended across her and noticed him shivering. She looked over at him and kissed his nose, then his lips, stroking his hair as he began to cry. She stroked his hair gently, and noticed the doctor start to come in, but, upon noticing Sid crying, turn around.

"I thought you fucking died..." he managed to get out, and she rested her head near his, closing her eyes and letting the betrayal in his voice sink in as punishment. "And then you looked so much like Tony and I couldn't get him to talk for three months..." Cassie winced and rested her hand on his chest.

Chapter 3

Sid walked into the house only to be greeted by Cassie's phone being hurled at his head and her voice screaming at him. He hadn't been home in a few days. They had been fighting since the hospital, and he didn't know what to say anymore -so he stayed at Tony's dorm room for a few days. Now he and Tony decided to stop by so Sid could pick up money and clean clothes. He didn't want to go it alone, because of the fighting, so he enlisted Tony for moral support. Cassie through the phone at him, hitting him in the forehead.

"Where the fuck have you been? I've been calling and texting you for hours," she was yelling while gasping for air, bent over holding onto the couch. Her face was red and it was clear she was in pain and had been for a while now. Tony and Sid glanced at each other and Sid rushed over to her, even though she pulled away from him. She tried to stand up straight but he noticed her belly had moved down quite a bit since the last time he saw her.

"Cassie...you..." She clenched her hands down on the couch, squeezed her eyes shut, looked down and held her breath. Sid could tell she was pushing. "You're not supposed to push, Cass. No. Stop." Cassie was breathing shallow and began crying again.

"I have to...I have to..." She held her breath and pushed again, then her face scrunched together in pain. Tony handed Sid his cell phone and got Cassie to sit down. Sid called Cassie's doctor who picked up immediately.

"Hey- Cassie's pushing - she can't help it."

"Take her to the hospital now - I'll call in right now and you guys just go right up to Labor and Delivery. The pushing is bad- get her to the hospital now." He looked over at Cassie who screamed, doubled over, Tony's arm around her. Sid hung up the phone. Tony helped her up and Sid ran into their room quickly to get Cassie's hospital bag.

She had packed it shortly after finding out she was pregnant. Sid had told her she was being a bit paranoid, but now he felt thankful for her preparedness. As he pulled the bag from under the bed, he noticed his sweatshirt lay ontop of his pillow where Cassie had been cuddling it. Sid ran out and ushered Cassie to the car, letting Tony drive and wrapping his arm around Cassie in the backseat, who leaned into him.

"The doctor said don't push, Cassie. Whatever you do, don't push." She whimpered and moaned- it was nearly impossible. Sid locked eyes with Tony in the rearview mirror - both of them were clueless and terrified. All Sid could do was rub her shoulders and hope the hospital was near.

Chapter 4

They got her in a hospital bed soon enough, and the doctor greeted them promptly.
"Right," she said after coaxing Cassie into opening her legs and letting her check her out. Sid and Cassie were both looking up at her expectantly. "We're going to give you some medicine to stop the contractions and urges to push, Cass, because it's way too early, okay? Have you been eating well?" Sid wrapped his arm around Cassie but she shrugged away from it and closed her legs.

"Sometimes..." Cassie muttered, wishing for all the world Sid wasn't in the room. Sid just pulled up a chair as the nurses injected the medicine. The doctor noticed Cassie's hesitation and nodded, deciding to check in later when Sid wasn't in.

"If you haven't been eating enough," she said bluntly, "that could be part of this, as well as the stress, because your body's just trying to protect you." Sid watched as the tension in Cassie lifted and her body relaxed, even as the nurses started an IV for her.

"You just rest for a bit, Cassie," the doctor said, getting up. "And I'll come back to check on you soon." The Doctor and the nurses filed out of the room, and Cassie curled up in the fetal position, her back facing Sid. He sighed.

"I'm sorry, Cass. My phone died and I didn't-"

"I needed you Sid. There was NO ONE else to call! We don't even know anyone here anymore! My water broke and I spent the last two fucking days in hell while you are off all piss-partying-" she stopped to catch her breath. He just sat their and took it, noticing her sniffling and crying.

"Not even my mom?" He offered. She turned over with a nasty glare. He looked at the floor. "Right."

Cassie ignored the cramp in her stomach. "So sorry to inconvenience your schedule, Sid. I'll be fine here. Go back and party with Tony. Wouldn't want to interrupt that."

"Cassie..."

"Did you hear me?" She shouted, the nurses looking in at her. "FUCKING get out of my room! I don't WANT to see you!" The nurses glared at Sid now, so he left.

Tony sat in the waiting room, but stood up as Sid came out. "Well?" Sid shook his head and took a seat on the couch in the waiting area next to the unoccupied play station. Tony followed him. "I called your mom. She's on her way." Sid nodded. "Is everything okay, Sid? Is the baby okay?" Sid took off his glasses and shook his head.

"I think. They gave Cassie medicine to stop the labor, everything else, I don't know..."

Sid slid down to the floor and eyed a box of jumbo legos on the shelf. He grabbed them and started putting them together.

"It's just a fight, Sid. It'll be okay."

Sid coughed into his arm, crossed his legs, and stacked the blocks high before knocking them down. He then squeezed his eyes shut, the flashback coming faster than he could control. Allie's legos crumbled as Sid ran through them, intentionally knocking them over. Allie had immediately begun crying, a slow, high pitched whine that had made Sid's six-year-old self stop laughing and look at her. His dad's friend was babysitting. Sid loved him.

He let him stay up later than Allie, watch late night TV and even shared spliff with him. When he heard Allie crying, though, he ran up the stairs and grabbed her by the shoulders before shaking her. "Time for you, little girl, to go to bed," he had said, and then took her to her room and shut the door.

Everything played back in perfect color, and he didn't realize he was digging his fingernails into his right arm until Tony pulled his arms apart, waking him up. Sid looked up, Tony was sitting on the couch. He shrugged his arm free and looked down at his forearm.

Sure enough, three strong lines. Tony sipped on a cup of coffee. "I went to get us coffee and you were..." Sid pulled his sweatshirt sleeves down, shaken up.

"I can't have a kid, Tone..." he whispered, trying to get Allie's high-pitched wail out of his head, not easy to do as he heard the cry of a newborn down the hall. Not his, he could tell. But a cry, no less. "It's been 16 years since Allie died and I still can't..." He looked to his side to find the styrofoam cup and sipped the coffee. Tony noticed Sid's mom approaching them, but Sid remained spaced out, so Tony got up and met her in the hallway.

"He's not doing well, Liz."

"I came to see Cassie, Tony..."

"Sid. He's not doing so well." Elizabeth tried to move past him. "Just- Cassie's okay, but they're fighting, and Sid's...just don't yell at him? Please? I'm afraid he'll do something stupid." Elizabeth glared and pushed past him.

"Sid!" Sid jumped up when he heard her coming. Elizabeth wrapped him in a hug and Sid tried to think of something to say without crying. He pulled away from her and pointed toward Cassie's room.

"She needs someone..."

Elizabeth could see that Tony was right. She stroked his hair behind his ear and kissed his cheek, then turned around to go see Cassie. Sid noticed Tony knelt down over the legos so he darted quickly into the bathroom. His breathing was getting shallow and his eyes felt heavy. He got in a stall and propped himself up- butt on the toiled seat, back on the toilet paper dispenser and feet up against the stall. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms tight around himself, and took a deep breath.

Whenever he felt this bad, being squeezed made his heart slow down. He held his breath as Tony came in the bathroom, looking for him. "Sid? Are you in here? Sid?" Don't find me.

Don't find me. Don't find me. Don't find me. Don't find me, Sid silently begged. Tony stood right outside his stall for a minute, reminiscent of a T-Rex sniffing out it's prey, then he walked out of the bathroom. Sid stayed where he was.

He felt like a little kid in all the bad ways. Like he was on ice and it was cracking under him, and there was a giant killer whale waiting to crush his bones while thrashing him about in the freezing water, it's jaws already chomping at his untied shoelaces. Or that he was about to get hurt- someone was about to hurt him - even though he knew no one was - and no one was safe so he had to become invisible until the world felt okay again. Grow up, Sid, he told himself. You're 24, not 6.

He began to feel a bit more safe, so he turned forward and put his feet on the ground. He pulled up his sweatshirt sleeve to study the damage - he got himself good. The dark red jagged lines went vertical down his forearm. He just stared at them. And everything felt better. Gone. All gone.

Chapter 5

Elizabeth leaned over Cassie's bed and kissed her forehead. A sandwich lay half-eaten on her meal cart and, though she was resting, her face was tear stained. Cassie looked up at Elizabeth and her tears started again. Elizabeth gathered her up and let her cry for a while. "I...I..." Cassie tried to get out.

Elizabeth rubbed her shoulders. "I was so scared and I couldn't go anywhere. It hurt so bad..." Cassie let out while Elizabeth held her. "I don't know what's happening..." Elizabeth shushed her gently, and Cassie lay back in the bed. She winced and shrugged it off.

"Does it hurt? It shouldn't hurt right now." Cassie nodded and Elizabeth got a nurse. The pain just got worse. The nurse informed her she was having contractions and made her open her legs again to check the baby.

"You have to start pushing, Cassandra. She's about to enter the birth canal." Cassie shook her head and began breathing shallow.

"No. Not yet. No. No. Not yet - please!"

When Sid came out of the bathroom, he noticed in a haze that there was a flurry of activity around Cassie's room, and, as he moved closer, he could hear Cassie screaming and begging, so he rushed in. She was struggling against the nurses and his mom holding her down. She held her legs closed firmly, the nurses trying to get her to relax and open them. From all the struggling, the buttons on her hospital gown were unbuttoned and she was mostly naked. Sid rushed over to her.

"Cassie..." She fought and yelled at the nurses until he leaned down to her, and she looked over at him.

"Sid- Sid please- I can't do this yet!" He stroked the side of her face gently, getting her to stop struggling and relax, which got everyone to stop touching her.

"It's gonna be fine. Come on. You can do this. It'll be over quick."

The nurse commented that it was too late for a c-section because the baby was too far down and Sid glared at her. Suddenly it was burning up in the room and Sid took his sweatshirt off, forgetting about the cuts on his arms.

"We can do this, Cass. We have to do this. And you can sleep after this. It'll only take a few minutes. You're already almost there." She wrapped an arm around his shoulder, and rested it on his neck.

Cassie winced as another contraction came. "Cassie, you need to push NOW," the nurse urged. Cassie started crying and Sid kissed her and put his hand on her knee. "Come on," he whispered. She held his shoulder with her arm, keeping him uncomfortably leaning down so his back hurt, and she nodded.

He kissed her forehead and gently took her leg, lifted it as the nurse instructed him to, and Elizabeth did the same with the other leg. Cassie blushed. "I'm naked...well, mostly..." The gown was still draped over her. One breast was showing, and of course everything below her belly button.

"Yeah, most women forget about modesty right about now," said the nurse. Another contraction hit, and Cassie pushed hard. With every push, Sid noticed she was getting weaker. He looked up at his mom. Elizabeth looked worried. "I'm NEVER," Cassie yelled on a push, "having sex with you again."

Sid couldn't help but laugh, even though there was nothing funny about the situation, but he managed to do it quietly and while resting his head briefly on the pillow ontop of her head so she couldn't see. Her arm dropped from his shoulder onto the bed. "I can't anymore, I..." Cassie's vitals started dropping, but the nurse standing by Elizabeth quickly fit oxygen tubes into her nostrils, which she would've fought off if she weren't so tired.

The nurse looked at Sid severely, and he could tell it wouldn't be good if she stopped, so he left comfort behind and wrapped his arm under her back, pulling her up slightly so she leaned into him.
"Come on, Cass. You need to keep going." She pressed her forehead into his neck and pushed again, relieved as the nurse announced she was crowning.

"Two more really big pushes..." encouraged the nurse, so Sid held he leg up farther, her toes tickling the side of his waist.

"Cass we're almost there. We can get this done." She groaned as she gave her best push and Sid peeked over- the baby barely moved. It wasn't enough.

"I CAN'T..." Cassie cried out but pushed hard several times before letting her head fall back and closing her eyes. The nurse was able to pull the baby out, even though it made Cassie cry out in pain again, and tears ran down her face as she heard the baby crying. Sid looked up - she was beautiful, but tiny, and the crying didn't last long. He didn't even notice the baby whisked away, though, because Cassie went limp under him and her vitals began going insane.

Before he knew it he was pushed away from her and he stood alone in the room with his mom, who rushed over and held his hands. Sid was exhausted. "She NEEDS to be okay, Mom..." he blurted out. He pulled away and walked to the exam room where a blur of doctors fussed over Cassie. Pale. Limp.

Not okay. Sid wasn't safe anymore, but he remembered the one person he felt safe around. He dialed Michelle.

"Hel-"

"Where are you?" His voice squeaked.

"Visiting my mom -Sid- what?"

He hung up and made a beeline for the stairs. He didn't bother with the car- he just ran.

Chapter 6

He didn't knock, but Michelle was right at the door and let him in. He made his way up to her room, deconstructing the bed and made a fort. Michelle got a flash-light and they both crawled under, routine they knew like the back of their own hands.

"Sid..what's..."

It didn't take him long. She noticed first his lip quivering, and he scratched at his arms and pulled at his hair. She moved closer to him. This wasn't new -she knew he wasn't safe when he was this upset. "Oh, Sid..." He leaned against the edge of her bed and started crying and she just turned off the flashlight and let him. Under her jacket she texted Tony saying Sid was with her and to stand by in case something happened, because this didn't look too good.

He cried until he calmed down, then turned the flashlight back on.
"Tony told me what happened," Michelle said quietly, and Sid nodded.

"Is she..."

"Chloe just got born."

"Oh, Sid."

"I don't even..." He picked at a scab on his arm. Michelle just waited and watched. "I just need her to be okay. That's it."

They sat in silence.
"I'm having flashbacks again..."

"The legos?" Sid nodded.

"What goes through your mind? Like, when you look over at her and she's crying. That bothers you the worst. What goes through your mind?"

"I killed her..."

"What?" Sid shrugged.

"I was such a little bully. She wouldn't have gotten got if I'd have left her alone. No amount of therapy will ever convince me otherwise, either." The wound began bleeding but he didn't stop picking at it.

"Sid, you were six."

"Still."

"You didn't abuse her. Hey. Look at me."

Sid looked terrified as he met her gaze. She reached across and grabbed the hand he was picking the wound with.

"YOU didn't abuse your sister. And THAT is what killed her, literally." She was right. Her abuser, the babysitter, had suffocated her by covering her head with the pillow and duct-taping it to the bed, then her hands so she couldn't break free.

"I just stood there. Watched her." He held onto Michelle's hand so tight it hurt her, but she didn't pull away.

"You were six."

"I knew she was dying."

"You were six."

"I left her there. Went and played with fire trucks."

"You. Were. Six. You were, and are, a good brother."

Sid got up out of the fort.

"Where are you going?"

"Brandon hill."

"Why?"

"Pick flowers for Cassie."

Sid was a horrible liar - she didn't buy it.

"We're going to the hospital, Sid. Come on." Michelle drove him, and as soon as he got there, his mom led him to Cassie's room. She was awake. Tired, but awake. He breathed a huge sigh of relief as she smiled up at him. He curled up in bed beside her.

"I didn't mean what I said to you in there..."

She traced her finger around the contours of his face. He kissed her palm as it came around and covered his mouth.

"It's common knowledge that women aren't held accountable for things said while birthing a child."

She laughed. "I still very much want to have sex with you..."

She removed her hand. He smiled. "I know."

Her hair was tangled, and he reached over to her bag and got out her brush and tangle-free spray that she used whenever she travelled. Cassie turned onto her side, and, as she sat up, rested her head on his thigh and let him brush gently through her hair.

"I liked working at the zoo," she said, closing her eyes. It was her job in New York.

"Tony was telling me that they opened up a new shark exhibit at the zoo," Sid said, noticing how that got her interest. Sharks were her favorite thing in the world. "A whole new building. They need attendants, tour guides..."

"Nerdy girls like me make perfect tour guides," she said tiredly.

"Yes. Yes they do."

Sid let Cassie sleep and the doctor offered to take him over to see Chloe. He just sat there by her incubator for a while, not really able to speak. She was so tiny, she barely looked human, hooked up to all kinds of machines.

"This isn't how we were supposed to meet, Chlo..." he reached inside with the nurse's permission and stroked her hand gently. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see his mom, who was crying. "Mom..." She kissed his forehead and sat down by him. "You saw my wife naked today..." he observed, stroking Chloe's hand. Elizabeth wiped her tears away and laughed.

"Oh, Sid."

He let out a huge sigh. Chloe was all covered in wires and tubes, but she heaved a sigh as well, making him laugh. "She looks just like you when you were born, you know that?" Elizabeth said. He looked over at her.

"Yeah but wasn't I a bit bigger?"

"Smart-Aleck..." she said. Sid smirked at the fact at she was already concerned about the baby picking up cuss-words.

"Think we can do this, mom?"

"You won't be doing this alone, Sid."

He bit his lip. "She already reminds me of Allie." He said this mostly because his little sister had been a preemie as well, and looked this tiny and freakish in the incubator. Elizabeth squeezed his shoulder.

"It'll be fine, Sid. You'll be just fine."

Alternate Ending -

Michelle sat outside with Tony, watching traffic and smoking.

"He's getting bad again, Chelle."

"I know. He mentioned going to Brandon Hill tonight."

"That was his last plan."

They sat, silent and worried. After going upstairs, Sid promised them he was staying at the hospital for the night. They both looked uneasy, but ended up leaving. And he did, until she fell asleep. But then he drove to Brandon hill and sat on the rocky cliff for a while. Chloe was dead. She lived for two minutes and Sid never got to meet her.

He didn't think. And he didn't want to die. he was just exhausted. He just closed his eyes and swayed enough to fall.

He came to in the dark, his leg shocking him with pain, glasses broken. He tried to move his arm, the same pain shooting through him. he managed, even through the broken glasses, to notice that he had somehow gotten tangled up in a branch. He got his cellphone out with his good arm and dialed Tony.

"Sid?"

"I'm not okay, Tony."

"I know. No one expects you to be right now. Are you at the hospital? I'll come pick you up, we'll go for dinner."

Sid shook his head before realizing Tony couldn't see him through the phone. Blood trickled right by his eye so he closed it, not wanting to deal with blood in his eye.

"No."

"Are you- Shit, Sid. Don't do anything." Sid panicked as he realized he couldn't take anything back.

"Don't get pissed at me, Tony, please!" He whined. He heard Tony's car door open, shut, and the engine start.

"NO! Tony, please! I'll come meet you!"

"Did you do something, Sid?"

Sid managed to sit up, groaning involuntarily as he accidentally put weight on his broken arm.

Tony found him easy enough. He panicked when he saw the cliff, but upon climbing down, he realized Sid's fall wasn't that intense. He sat beside him, surveying the damage. Most of it was superficial. He took Sid's glasses off of him. Blood trickled down his forehead from a wound under his hair, and his cuts and bruises were all over.

His clothing was all torn. His left leg and right arm were very obviously broken, and the way Sid just gazed around suggested he'd hit his head too hard.

"People keep dropping around me, Tony."

Tony started to say that he wasn't going to, but decided against it. He knew how futile it was. He couldn't guarantee him anything. "Come on, Sid. Let's go."

Tony helped Sid out of the ravine, and they drove back to town.