The Journey Home

Part One: The Awakening

I wake up in an unfamiliar room. Bright, fluorescent lights shine down on my face, and I am surrounded by the beeping of machines. As I look around the room, I notice a woman sitting next to my bed, her hands entwined in mine.

"Derek?" She asks me. "Derek, do you hear me?"

I look at her, her face drawing a blank in my mind. I look back around the room. "Addison…." the name escapes my lips. "Where is Addison?"

"Derek, it's Meredith. Your wife," the woman responds to me.

Confusion sweeps through my body. Why is the woman telling me she is my wife? Where is Addison? What happened? As if reading my mind, Meredith speaks: "Derek, you were in a car crash. You suffered some extensive injuries to the head. You were going to the airport." She pauses. "Do you remember anything?"

"No… I… Where is Addison?"

"Oh god. I knew this would happen." Meredith sighs. "Derek, you have been in a coma for the last couple of weeks. It didn't look good for you at the beginning, but you started to get better. I was worried you would lose some of your memories though." She looks at me. "Please say you remember me Derek. Please."

I take a minute to look at her, study her face. I take in her brown hair, her blue eyes, and her red lips, but nothing comes to mind. "I'm sorry Meredith, I don't."

"But Derek, we have been married for six years. We have two kids. Please Derek." Meredith's voice is shaking, and tears start to form in her eyes.

At the moment, the nurse walks through the door. She assesses the situation, taking in Meredith's upset face and my bewilderment. "Meredith," she says, "I think you should step outside while I talk to Derek."

Meredith looks at me, gets up, whispers something inaudible to the nurse, and leaves the room. The nurse follows her, returning shortly with a doctor.

"Dr. Shepherd," the doctor says, "I am the head neurosurgeon here. You have been in my care for the past two and a half weeks. How are you feeling this morning?"

"Hello. I'm a little confused. I mean that woman out there said she is my wife, but I'm married to Addison Montgomery. Where is she?"

"Dr. Shepherd, I am going to do the asking of questions now, just to assess where you are, and then I will address yours." The doctor sat down next to my bed. "Now, can you tell me your full name?"

"Derek Christopher Shepherd. The year is 2003. It is July. I work in New York City and am a neurosurgeon. I am married to Addison Montgomery." I look at him. "This is not my first time having to do routine questions. I do them all the time as a neurosurgeon."

He looks at me, caught off guard. "You are a neurosurgeon Derek, but a lot of the information you just gave me is not correct." He pauses.

"What do you mean it's not correct?"

"We will discuss this at a later time. Right now, the best thing you can do is rest."

"No, I have rested for two and a half weeks, tell me what the matter is."

He inhales sharply and looks at me. "Derek, the year is 2015. It's April. You live in Seattle, Washington where you work at the Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. You are married to Meredith Grey, the woman who was in here earlier. You have two children, Zola and Bailey."

The blood disappears from my face. My head starts to spin. I have no idea what this man is talking about.

Reading the expression on my face, he continues, "You were involved in a serious car accident, and we all thought you were not going to make it, that you were going to be brain dead. However, you persevered, which, may I say, is a miracle. One of the effects we were afraid would happen was memory loss."

"So you are saying that I lost my memory and I am married to this person called Meredith?"

"Yes Derek."

"That's not possible. Where is Addison? I want to see her."

"She's not here Derek. You divorced quite some time ago." He places his hand on mine. "I know this is a lot to take in, but it is the truth. Many patients who suffer from memory loss-"

"I am not a patient. I am a successful neurosurgeon who has a practice in New York City and who is married to Addison Montgomery."

"Derek, I understand your confusion with this situation."

"Do you?" I ask him. "You're telling me to believe that I am living a completely different life than I think I am."

He looks at me. "Derek, your reaction is reasonable. You are being told things you do not have any remembrance of. It's okay."

"I want Addison."

"Derek, that might not be a great idea."

"I want to see Addison!" I yell at him.

"Okay Derek. Please calm down. We will get you Addison."

"Thank you," I say. I look out the window of my room and see Meredith staring at me. She looks broken, yet put together somehow. When our eyes meet, it feels strangely familiar.

"Derek." He interrupts me.

"Yes?" I say, breaking my gaze with Meredith.

"It is possible that you will get your memories back. But until that time, you must rest."

I look at him. "I know how to take care of myself, I am one of the best neurosurgeons out there, probably the best. Now, please get Addison here."

Part Two: The Meeting

"He's right in there m'am," I hear a voice in the hallway say.

"Thank you," a familiar voice responds. The sound of high heels clacking on the ground makes its way to my door. A tall, slender frame walks through the door, and a smile spreads across my face.

"Hey you," says Addison.

"Addison. You're here."

"Yes, but only for a little while." She strides into the room and sits next to my bed, taking my hand into hers.

"I don't understand," I say, "What do you mean for a little while?"

"Derek, I know this is a lot to comprehend," she says looking at me. "But we are not together anymore."

"What are you talking about? We're married Addison."

"Yes, in 2003 we were Derek. But not now. There were, um, complications in our relationship."

"Addison," I say, "I don't understand."

"Of course you don't. You don't remember anything. But Derek, trust me when I say that the woman out there, Meredith, is the love of your life. You two are so much better than we ever were." Addison gazes at me and pushes my hair back on my forehead. "I know this is a lot to take in Derek, but it is the truth. I am happy in my life, and you are happy in yours."

"Addison, you are the love of my life," I say leaning towards her. "We're married."

Addison leans back and inhales. I take this opportunity to ask her a question about something she mentioned earlier. "Addie, what do you mean by 'complications in our relationship'?"

She looks at me. "God, I never thought I would have this conversation again." She looks down and then up again. "Derek, I cheated on you- with Mark. You caught us, and then threw me out and we tried to patch things up, but you were so in love and meant to be with Meredith that—"

"Wait… you cheated on me with Mark? My best friend?" Anger quickly overtakes my voice.

"Derek, that happened years ago," Addison says. At that moment, I notice that the ring on her finger is not the ring I gave her. She catches me looking at it. "I am happily married to a man named Jake, and we have a son, Henry."

My head starts spinning again.

"Derek, I know this is overwhelming. But trust me when I say that you and Meredith are better off than we ever were."

"But Addison, what am I supposed to do? I don't have any memory of her, of you and I breaking up, of my life here."

"You are the doctor Derek. And a great one. You will figure something out." Addison takes her hand away from mine. "I'm sorry that this happened to you. But don't shut Meredith out, even if you don't remember her. Fate has a way of working out." She stands up.

"Where are you going?" I ask her.

"Home. I know that everything people are telling you might seem impossible, but if I stay here, it will just make the transition that much harder for you." She walks to the door. "Bye Derek, I am always here if you need me, but try to remember." And with that, she walks out the door, leaving me alone.

My mind starts to overflow with questions, and anger swells up inside of me. She cheated on me? And now just leaves? And what about this Meredith character? As I am deep in my thoughts, Meredith walks into the room.

"Derek?" she asks hesitantly. I look up at her. "Can we talk?"

"Talk about what Meredith? How I am supposed to be married to you and have two children? I… I…."

"I know," she says, "I know how you feel. That was me when we met. And you know who helped me? You did. So let me do the same for you. Please Derek."

"Meredith, I am just going to need some time. I still don't know anything about myself or about us. Let me figure things out on my own." I see her face fall. I take pity on her—I mean, according to Addison, this woman is the life of my life. "Meredith, if we are meant to be together, it will happen again. Until then, I need to be on my own."

"I understand," Meredith mutters. She sighs, looks at me, and then gets up. "I guess I will be seeing you then."

"Okay," I say. I hold her gaze for a minute. There is so much unspoken between us, so much history that I do not remember, so much that I do not know.

"Goodbye Meredith."

"Goodbye Derek. For now." With that, she walks out of the room and I am left alone.

Part Three: The Trip

I walk out of the double glass doors and breathe in the fresh air, which smells of the ocean. After one week of being held at this hospital for numerous tests, I am finally able to go home—well home meaning a hotel room. I get into a taxi, and wait for the driver to drive me far away from this small hospital.

"Where to?" the driver asks me.

"Marriott—" I stop. "Actually, Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital please."

"Of course," he responds.

I don't know why I said the Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. I guess it was curiosity. Dr. Dow had spent the last week instructing me to not overdo it, but I want to know my life.

Pulling up to the hospital, no memories are sparked. I thank the driver, pay, and get out of the car.

This should be fun, I think to myself. I walk through the doors and make my way to the surgery floor. As the elevator doors open to the floor, I step out, look around, and start to make my way around. As I move, I notice that people start to go silent. Suddenly, a voice calls to me from behind.

"Derek?" I know that voice. I turn around. "Derek, what are you doing here?"

"Hi Richard, it is great to see you too." I walk over to him and embrace him.

"How are you doing?" He asks, eyeing me with curiosity and worry.

"As good as I can."

"Derek?" Another familiar voice asks behind me. I turn around, and find myself looking into the eyes of Meredith. "What are you doing here? I know you got out of the hospital, but why are you here?"

I am shocked. I didn't know that Meredith was a surgeon. I look at her. I look at Richard. I look at the floor.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Meredith says, noticing how uncomfortable I am. "I thought…" she trails off. "Never mind, nice to see you Derek." She stands there a moment longer, and I find myself looking back into her beautiful, blue eyes, and then she turns and walks to the elevator, gets in, looks at me one more time, and then the doors close.

"Derek?" Richard asks. "Are you okay? You've gone silent, which is unlike you."

I'm suffocated by my thoughts. This is where we met, I think. This is where we fell in love. This is where I met Meredith.

"I didn't know Meredith was a surgeon," I say.

"Yes, one of the best general surgeons there is. This is where you two-"

"Met," I say, finishing his sentence. "This is where we met."

"Well, not exactly," Richard states. I look at him, confused. He sighs, "As far as I know, you two met in a bar and then you turned out to be her boss. Funny how that stuff works out, huh?"

"I guess," I respond.

"Look, I think Meredith just wants to get a chance to know you and for you to know her. I don't think she expects you to instantly go back to the lives you two were living before the accident," Richard explains. "Derek, you should try to get to know her again. You two… You two make sense together, and you shouldn't let your fears of not being able to remember get in your way."

"Thank you for the speech Richard, but Addison beat you to it."

"Addison?" A perplexed look crosses Richard's face. "You talked to Addison?"

"I had to. I thought I was married to her when I woke up."

"Well if you heard it from her and me, then it means something Derek. You need to try." Richard looks down at his watch. "I have to run, I have a surgery I need to get to. But Meredith is done for the day, and I believe she is heading over to the Emerald City Bar. You should go talk to her."

"Okay, if you say so Chief," I respond.

Richard chuckles. "That's another thing Derek," he says, "I'm not the chief anymore, Owen is."

"Who is Owen?"

"I'm sure you will meet him one day, he's one of the best."

"Richard, I'm pretty sure that I am the best. In fact, you've told me multiple times."

"And there's the arrogant Derek I remember," Richard laughs. "Now, Kryptonite, go find Meredith and talk to her. It's time."

Part Four: The Reunion

I open the door to the bar and am instantly hit with the smell of beer, the roar of the costumers, and the darkness of the building. I walk inside and look around the room, searching for Meredith. I notice her sitting at the bar alone. I make my way over to her.

"Is this seat taken?" I ask her. She turns around and her face lights up.

"Derek! What a surprise!" She exclaims. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I figured it was time that we talk," I say. I sit down next to her. "I'll have a double scotch, single malt please," I say to the bartender. "And for you?" I ask Meredith.

"Oh, I'm not drinking," Meredith says. I'm a little confused as to why she came to a bar and is not drinking, but I don't venture to ask.

"So," she says, "What do you want to talk about?"

"Our situation," I respond. "I know that I asked you to give me space and you did, but I have to come to terms with my life."

"Okay," she says. She chuckles.

"What?"

"It's just that the first time we met, you were doing the same thing. Trying to find yourself in this world," she says, looking at me.

"And I suspect I found my way in this world," I respond. I take a sip of my drink.

"You did."

I look at her. I want to get to know her. I feel like I already know her. I sigh. "How about tonight, we act like you're just the girl in the bar, and I'm just the guy in the bar."

She laughs again. "Okay Derek." She looks down, gathers herself and looks back up. "Hi, I'm Meredith."

"Meredith, it's nice to meet you. My name is Derek."