Hermione Granger shivered as she looked out of her window. The night wind was cruel and harsh, and she was sure that something bad was going to happen. Ignoring her fear, she turned on the TV and saw a horror film on.
"Cool!" she exclaimed, "Shriek is on, I love that film!" She watched the movie intently as a young girl, home alone, watched TV. "This is familiar," she thought to herself before shrugging it off. The girl on the screen received a phone call, and it turned out to be the killer.
"Oh," said Hermione shivering again, "I'd hate that to happen to me."
The phone rang and she picked it up happily.
"Hello," she said.
"Hi," said the voice.
"Hey," she replied back
"Yo," said the voice.
"Hola," she said.
"Huh?" asked the voice.
"It's Spanish," she explained.
"Oh," said the voice.
"So, whats up?" she asked.
"Oh, just calling a few people, you know, prank calls and stuff," said the voice.
"Cool! Have you done the classic, "is your refrigerator running?" she asked.
"Oh nah," said the voice, "I prefer to do my own, you know, like "do you wanna die tonight?"
"Oh cool!" exclaimed Hermione. She suddenly thought of something. "I'm sorry, I forgot to ask, who is this?"
"Well, you see...I can't tell you. It'll give it away. But I can say that it's someone who knows you very well and will prove it to you by telling you what you're doing right now."
"Erm...okay," said Hermione.
"You are...talking on the phone!"
"Wow!" she said impressed, "are you psychic?"
"Yeah, a little," he admitted.
"Well, do you know what's going to happen to me tonight? It's just that I've got this strange feeling that the fact that I'm home alone and vulnerable and miles from the nearest town, means that something bad will occur."
"Yeah, I do...you're gonna DIE tonight."
There was a long silence.
"Uh...hello?" said the voice.
"Hi," said Hermione.
"Didn't you hear what I just said?" asked the voice irritably.
"Oh," said Hermione apologetically, "I'm sorry no, I was just watching this film, I'm sorry, I'm listening now, go on."
"No, forget it, the moment's ruined now."
"No go on please, look, I'll turn off the TV, and then you'll have my full attention."
"I don't know..."
"Please," she pleaded.
"Oh...alright," said the voice, "but you've got to scream when I tell you."
"Okay," promised Hermione.
The voice coughed and cleared his throat.
"Ahem...I...am...going to...GUT YOU LIKE A FISH."
There was a long silence again.
"I'm sorry," Hermione spoke up, "but fishes cannot technically be gutted. You see, there's a common misconception that they can, but as I tried to point out to my teacher, Professor McGonagall, their bone structure..."
"Do you not understand me you little bitch? I'm going to KILL YOU."
"Oh," said Hermione, then it dawned on her. "Oh...AAAAAAAAAH!" she let out a piercing scream, and hung up the phone. She ran to the nearest window and locked it, and followed suit with the rest around her house. It was enormously large, and Hermione knew in the back of her mind that this unknown voice was somehow going to get in.
There was a knock at the front door.
"Who is it?" she called out merrily.
"Pizza delivery." His voice sounded strangely familiar.
"Hmm...I didn't order any pizza," she said pointedly.
"Uh...yeah, that's because um...you won it. Your house got picked as the lucky house that gets a free pizza."
"Well...what's on it?"
"Pineapple."
"I hate pineapple."
"Sorry, not pineapple, I meant ham."
"I hate ham."
"Did I say ham, I meant uh...cheese."
"I hate—"
"LOOK WILL YOU OPEN THE DAMN DOOR."
"Okay jeez relax," she said and opened the door. There stood a figure dressed in a long hooded robe that hid his face.
"You know, you look just like a death eater," Hermione said, fascinated.
"Uh...well, er...I'm not. I'm just a random killer," said the figure.
"Oh...okay." Then she realised something. "Wait, you said you were a pizza deliverer. You lied!"
"No shit," came the response.
"What do you want?" she asked.
"TO SEE WHAT YOUR INSIDES LOOK LIKE!" the figure snarled.
Hermione screamed and ran to the stairs. She paused and vaguely remembered something important in the film. Now, did it say to run or not to run up the stairs. Hmmmâ€she couldn't remember.
A tap on the shoulder made her turn around and she saw the figure brandishing a knife at her. She screamed pathetically and ran up the stairs. She tried to open the first door as the killer advanced slowly towards her, but it was locked.
She screamed and threw her weight against the second door, but that was locked too.
"Why are all these damn doors locked?" she asked shrilly.
"Oh, it's a cliché, it has to happen," said the killer casually. "Don't worry though, just as I'm about to attack you, you'll reach the last door and it'll open."
"Oh, okay cool," said Hermione and began to relax. True to his word, he raised his knife and Hermione desperately tried the last door. It opened, and she threw herself in before shutting the door and locking it.
There was no phone in her room, but luckily there was a computer that just so happened to be on, and she just so happened to know a website that helped young girls who were getting attacked by killers.
She typed in and waited impatiently for the page to load.
"Man, I wish I had broadband right now," she mused
The door was flung open and the killer walked towards her with his arms outstretched threateningly.
"Sorry," she apologised meekly, "but I'm not ready, can you wait for a sec?"
"Oh, okay," grumbled the killer and walked back out of the room.
"Thank you," she called. The website still hadn't loaded up, so she decided to go onto her MSN account. Harry was online. His screen name was 'the boy who lived...and don't you forget it!'
'Hey Harry,' she typed.
'Hey 'Mione,' he typed back.
'What you doing?' she typed back in reply.
'Well, right now I'm just resenting you. You know, the fact that you get all the fun while I'm stuck here at the Dursley's. You don't know how hard it is for me. But you know, it's happened for six years now, you'd think I'd be used to it. Woe is me.'
'Awww sorry,' she typed, and inserted a sad smiley. 'Well, I'm currently being chased around my house by a killer.'
'See, you get all the fun' typed Harry glumly.
There was an exaggerated cough at the door.
'Oh, shit, Harry, I've kept him waiting long enough, I'll BRB,' she typed.
"Okay, I'm ready now," she called, and the killer burst in.
"About time," he replied, and then got distracted by the msn conversation on the screen.
"Don't you watch horror movies? Don't you know you should never say "I'll BRB" when a killer is in the house?" he asked, annoyed.
"Oh, sorry I didn't know..." Hermione began.
"No – just forget it," said the killer miserably. "I'll go and find someone who KNOWS the rules of horror films. Not some annoying little mudblood like you."
He walked down the stairs and Hermione heard the front door slam.
"Wow...he called me a mudblood. That sounds something like Draco would call me...well, nothing more than a coincidence, I suppose," and she ran back to the bedroom to finish her MSN conversation with Harry.
Well, that was my first chapter of my parody story, lol. If you liked it, review and tell me. If you didn't, review and tell me lol. Either way, PLEASE review! (Yes, I AM that pathetic and desperate lol.)