The Only Way I Know How To Feel
a D/F romantic songfic
summary: Danny is having a hard time accepting the love Don seems to be sending away. Is it because he doesn't want it or because he doesn't feel he deserves it?
genre: Hurt/Comfort & Romance
rated: PG-13 (just cause of the all the kissies and swearing)
content warnings: swearing, boy/boy lovin
author note: i just love these boys together :) i heard the song "The Only Way I Know How To Feel" by Boys Like Girls and took a different interpretation of it than I think most people might. Instead of being in a destructive relationship, I interpreted as a plea by the narrator to give him what he was used to having. The emotion behind it reminded me of Danny, so that's how this fic was born.
disclaimer: Lyrics belong to Boys Like Girls. All characters in this story belong to CBS and the dude with the amazing vision that created CSI: NY. The characters are not mine, as much as i would like to keep them and play with Danny and Don the way I wish they would have them play with each other on the show ;)
"Before you let me fall,
Kill me so I don't feel it at all
Push my body up against the wall
And pick your poison
Cuz everything feels wrong
And I don't know where I belong
Take me for granted
Make me feel used
Leave me in pieces
Misery is company
Cuz I know that it's real
I've learned to love the pain
Cuz that's the only way that I know how to feel"
"Danny! Wait! Where are you going?"
Danny slammed the door behind him as he left Flack's apartment, ignoring the confused shouts behind him. He jogged over to the elevator before Don could follow him out into the hall.
As the elevator doors closed he let out a sigh of relief, leaning back against the wall, scrubbing his hand over his face.
"What the fuck are you doing Messer?" he reprimanded himself quietly. When the doors of the elevator opened up to the lobby, Danny pushed himself off the wall, shoved his hands in his pockets, and with his head down, made his way out of the apartment building.
He thought about getting a cab back home, but decided to take a walk to clear his head. Deciding to go left, Danny set to an even pace, silently lost in his thoughts.
Not minutes ago, he and Don were sharing a quiet evening at Flack's place. Dinner. The ranger game. Maybe stretch out on the couch and watch a movie together. It was the first time they had both gotten off shift early in almost a month and the two men had planned on making the most of their free time together.
About four months ago, under a drunken influence at Danny's apartment playing pool after a tough day at work, somehow their conversation had ended up with them talking about how Flack always ruined his suits.
"I think I'm just gonna give up and start dressing down to work," Flack had said.
"Yeah no shit," Danny laughed, "all though you do look hot in suits."
"Ya think so," Don looked surprised. "You lookin' at me, Messer?"
Danny started stammering some sort of explanation on what he had just said, but Flack thread his fingers through Danny's hair and, lightly grasping the back of Danny's head, immediately pulled him in for a kiss, shutting him up. At first, Danny was resistant, pushing at the man's shoulders. Flack pulled away, panic on his face, looking at Danny's shocked face.
"Danny...man, I'm sorry...I thought..."
But Danny interrupted Don, smiling as he placed both hands on either side of Don's neck and pulled him in. They kissed long and hard, desperate even as Flack wrapped an arm around Danny's waist and the other at the back of his head, his fingers threading his hair as his tongue curled around Danny's and pulled it into his mouth possessively.
Danny shook the wonderful memory out of his head. A couple weeks later and the two were officially a couple, although they kept it secret for the time being. Tonight was their three month anniversary. And being with Don was the happiest he'd been in a long time.
'Then why the hell did you leave?!' He thought to himself. The truth was, he knew why he left. Not minutes before he stormed out of the apartment, Don had just told him that he was falling in love with him.
And Danny freaked.
He wasn't used to this; the unconditional affection, the trifle arguments that always ended in laughter, the wonderful feelings. Being with Don made him feel like a better self.
And it freaked Danny out.
Every relationship he'd been in had been a mess. Danny was used to being treated like shit, tossed around, miserable, heartbroken. It was what he knew. It was pretty much all he knew when it came to relationships. But then comes Don Flack, making Danny fall for him head over fucking heels. And he treated him amazing. Never hurt him, never broke him down.
Hate and anger were real, without a doubt. But love and kindness could be easily faked. With Don though, it felt so real.
And that's what freaked Danny out most. That he knew he was falling in love with Don.
"Maybe it's a phase
Maybe I'll break out of it someday
Maybe this is just my twisted fate
I always feel like everything is wrong
And I don't know where I belong
Take me for granted
Make me feel used
Leave me in pieces
Misery is company
Cuz I know that it's real
I've learned to love the pain
Cuz that's the only way that I know how…."
Danny dodged into the nearest alley, kicking at a discarded soda can. Finding an abandoned beer bottle, he kicked harder this time, not as satisfied as he thought he'd be when it shattered as it hit the wall with the force of his kick.
His phone's loud ringtone stopped him from attacking another piece of trash. Pulling it out of his pocket, the display said it was Don calling him. He thought about answering, thought about apologizing. But he didn't know what to say.
'Sorry Don. I've been a dick. I have severe trust issues and not used to being in a relationship where I whole heartedly trust myself with another person. And thats why I left. Because i trust you and am falling for you. And i only know how to act in a relationship thats shitty."
Danny hit the ignore button on the side of his phone and slid it back into his jeans pocket. He strode over to the wall and forced his back against, sliding down till he was balanced on the balls of his feet.
"You're a fucking idiot, Messer," he cursed himself, leaning forward on his bent knees, clasping his hands in front of him and hanging his head.
Here he was, in a relationship with a man who'd been his best friend for years, and he was running scared. What was so terrifying about trusting a person completely, not just with your heart but with your life? Why was he so unsure about something that seemed to be the real thing? And how in his twisted little mind did being in a jacked up relationship make more sense to him then one that made him happy?
"Cuz you're a fucking idiot, thats why Messer," he answered his own internal questions out loud.
He knew Don cared about him. He knew Don wouldn't take him for granted, use him, hurt him. And Danny knew he felt the same about Don. But maybe that was what the issue was. He was afraid he'd fuck it up. Danny was afraid that one day...it would all be gone. That Don would realize that he wasn't worth his time.
The sudden feeling of moisture on his cheeks startled Danny out of his thoughts. Looking up confirmed that it wasn't raining, even though he knew that already. Bringing his hand to his cheek, he felt the tear that had embarrassingly escaped from his eyes.
In the rational part of his heart, Danny knew Don wouldn't feel that way. If that had been the case, they wouldn't have been best friends for so long. Don wouldn't help Danny with the shit he gets himself into, both inside and outside of work.
With the back of his arm, he used his leather jacket sleeve to wipe away all evidence of his crying. With the other arm, he reached back at the wall and steadied himself as he rose to stand.
He wanted nothing more than to go back and apologize to Don over and over again. Tell them that he was sorry for being an asshole. That he was done with this self doubt, doubt in his feelings, and doubt that Don meant what he said.
But leaving the alley, Danny grabbed a cab back to his apartment instead. He couldn't go back after what he'd just done. He needed to get his act together, wanting to give more to Don then a frantic apology. He didn't want Don to see him with his heart on his sleeve and these tears in his eyes that just would not go away.
"To feel your arms around my neck
I'm suffocating with regret from all the wasted hours spent
Believing I was never meant
To touch the face of something real
These sewn up scars will never heal
But I put down a deal
Cuz that's only way that I know how to feel
I know how to feel...
You're the only way that I know how to feel"
Danny exited the elevator when it reached his floor, regretting his decision to give the cabbie his address instead of Don's. In the short three months they've been dating, Don's place felt just as much as home as his own apartment. Being in there alone when he should be with Don would just feel wrong. All Danny wanted right now was to feel Don's hands on him, holding him, telling him that he was worth the love that Don wanted to give to him.
Danny knew these feelings of doubt wouldn't ever completely go away. They were the scars he had to show from every time he was told that he was useless, worthless, and left to pick up the pieces of himself. But being with Don, there was hope that maybe Don could take care of them.
He turned the corner and was taken back by what he saw.
By his door sat Don Flack. He sat against the wall, legs bent with his arms lazily hanging over his knees, and his head leaned back, eyes staring up at the ceiling, singing to himself.
Danny smiled slightly at the sight. But it soon faded as he approached, nervous about the words he was about to say not coming out right.
Don sensed him approaching, turning his head slightly. He quickly got himself to his feet as Danny came to stand in front of him.
"I was worried when you didn't answer you're phone," Don spoke, his voice laced with concern, devoid of any anger or hurt.
"Flack, I'm so sorry. I just...I freaked, man and I shouldn't have left," Danny stammered.
"Messer," Don interrupted. When Danny shut up, Don placed a hand on his arm, and grabbed Danny's keys from his hands. He opened up the apartment door and ushered Danny in. Shutting the door behind him, Don shrugged his jacket off and placed it and Danny's keys on the side table, before turning to face Danny.
"Don, I'm sorry," was all Danny could say. Don smiled softly at him while he reached out and started to peel Danny's jacket off his shoulders.
"I know," Don said as he folded Danny's jacket and placed it on top of his on the table.
"I'm not used to feeling the way I do when I'm with you and it scared me," Danny spoke quietly. "And I just want you to know that..."
His words faltered as Don raised a hand to cup Danny's neck. Tilting the other man's head up, Don leaned down to press his lips against Danny's. Danny placed his hands on Don's hips as they kissed, softly but passionately.
"Don," Danny sighed sadly as the pulled away. Don leaned forward, his forehead touching Danny's.
"Danny, I know what you're used to feeling. But that was before me, before us," Don spoke softly, smiling compassionately at his lover. "I know what you're scared of. But this is me, Danny. You're my best friend and I would never hurt you. I know and love all of you, insecurities be damned. I love when your pissed cuz I woke your lazy ass up and you throw a pillow at my head in the morning. I love when you curse at the refs on tv. I love when you call me a jackass when I'm being stubborn. I love the that satisfied sigh you let out after a good cup of coffee or a hot shower. I love that smug smirk you make when you're being a smart ass. I love every whine, every pout, every scar, every smile, every 'boom', every look you give me. "
Danny just stared up at Don, those stupid tears making their way back to his eyes. Don moved his forehead away from Danny's to plant a kiss upon it, before wrapping his arms around Danny in a comforting hug.
They stayed like that for a few moments, before Danny pulled away. He wanted to say more, felt like he should say more. But the look in Don's eyes chased all the guilt away.
All his thoughts were gone as Don wrapped one arm around his waist and the other behind his back, his hand stroking the back of Danny's neck.
Danny wrapped his arms around Don's neck, his fingers playing at Don's hair.
"What I'm feeling scares me. What you're telling me that you feel....scares me," Danny said, gazing at his lover's face. "But not being with you scares me even more, Don."
"I'm not leaving you, Danny," Don said. Danny thought it was possibly the most sincerest he'd ever heard anyone sound, until he heard the next words Don said.
"I love you."
Danny smiled, and said the only truth he's ever known.
"I love you."