Title: Never-ending why
Author: Dustland-Fairytales
Pairing: Duh...if you want, you can make this a Ita/Shi. If not, you can pretend it's only friendship, which will work just as well.
Summary: The worst thing about afterlife is that you have way too much time to think about things you would rather forget. And Shisui knows that the never-ending why will haunt him for eternity.
Disclaimer: Naruto is the property of Kishimoto Masashi. I merely borrow his wonderful characters for a while to write down my sick and twisted thoughts and ideas.
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I dedicate this story to the awesome Quillslinger and SkywardShadow, because their stories made me an Shisui/Itachi fan in the first place (you corrupted my mind, dammit ^^) and their writing induces me to write Ita/Shi myself, even though I know my humble self will never ever be able to keep up with the brilliant stuff they do. Thank you for writing some of the best stories on this site.
Never-ending why
There's a body in the lake
And as the two of us rebel
Damn you all to hell
I wonder if that's all there is
Time will help you through
But it doesn't have the time
To give you all the answers
To the never-ending why
~ Placebo – The never-ending why ~
The worst thing about being dead, Shisui thinks, is that you have way too much time to think and ponder over things you would rather forget. And he knows that the never-ending why will haunt him for eternity.
Why did Itachi choose to betray the clan? Why did the Uchiha plan the coup d'état in the first place again? And why did he, Shisui, agree to this shit? Why didn't he try to stop this madness? Or why didn't he try to stop Itachi? Why is life always so damn fucked up? Why is the sky blue? If swimming slenderizes, why are blue whales that fat? Why is the rum always gone? Why did Mikoto never strangle her husband for having a stick up his ass?
Yes, Uchiha Shisui has way too much time to think about all the questions in the world. But the one he spends the most time pondering over is:
"Why did Itachi choose Sasuke over me?"
It hurts to think about this question, worse than anything else. It makes his insides clench and twist and writhe as if they are trying to break free from his body, as if his guts are threatening to spill out.
It is unfair, Shisui thinks, that even in death there is still so much pain. Wasn't the afterlife supposed to be like paradise, idyllic, divine, peaceful?
Afterlife isn't very paradisiacal, at least not for him. It is painful, not only because of the questions that keep hunting him, but also because every time he remembers that day, he can almost hear the water gurgling, he can feel the cold engulf him, feel Itachi's hands on his shoulders, feel the cool liquid enter his lungs, and he is drowning over and over again. And Shisui cannot stop asking himself what he did in his life to deserve this, to deserve dying again and again and again, by the hands of his best friend.
Afterlife is also lonely, terribly lonely, because even after everything that happened, he still misses him. He misses the laughter, the onyx eyes, the warmth of his body, the velvet voice. He misses annoying the hell out of him, and he misses crying on his shoulder. He misses having someone to trust, someone to talk to, someone who is just always there, and he longs for the day he sees him again, although there is a part of him that says meeting him would be way too painful and that he should rather keep his distance.
Ironic, isn't it, that his survival instinct is still active, even in death.
Afterlife is boring and unnerving, since there is nothing to do; there is no purpose for him here, and Shisui wonders why there is an afterlife after all if all you can do is stare into nothingness.
It is slightly scaring, too, because Shisui spends his time sitting by a riverside that resembles the Nakano way too much for his taste. It brings back the memories, and with them, the pain comes. Surely, he could go somewhere else, go far away and leave everything behind, try to forget what happened, but what does Shisui have left except for his precious memories, regardless of how painful they are?
Maybe this is not heaven after all. Maybe this is hell, his very personal hell. And yet, he knows he will always choose to stay here, because the memories, the thoughts, the never-ending why is all that connects him to the world of living, and thus to the only thing he still holds dear, the only thing he loves.
So Shisui sits by the riverside, day after day after day – are there even days in eternity? – never moving, and he keeps on waiting, although he doesn't even know for what or for whom, because no one ever looks for him, and no one ever comes here. It is only when he hears the faint rustling of grass behind him that he realises that deep inside, he always knew why he was waiting. Somehow, he always knew he would come here and find him eventually.
No one knows him better than Itachi, after all.
"Shisui."
He is startled by the sound of the so familiar and yet so alien voice, but he is even more shocked when he turns around and sees his best friend, older now than him – damn, he had been supposed to be the older one, the one taking care of Itachi – and looking so incredibly fragile and tired and broken, no, shattered into a thousand pieces that he almost doesn't recognize him. He must still be young, but he has the air of an old man who has seen too much for a human to take, and the thought that he probably has makes the pain in Shisui's chest become more fierce, because who is he to complain?
But still the thoughts, the questions won't go away and it hurts, hurts, hurts. His heart beats painfully hard in his chest and Shisui feels as if he is going to implode any second now. Love and hate lie close to each other, and there is only a fine line between happiness and pain, blurry and easily crossed. And right now Shisui is too selfish to care about Itachi's pain, and instead of comforting him and telling him that he will forgive him all he says is:
"Why?"
As if he didn't know the answer.
The words come out in a whisper, because this is the only way Shisui can keep his voice from trembling. In another world he would have had to bite his tongue to prevent himself from crying, but now he has no tears left. He used them up ages ago.
Itachi only looks at him silently, his only reaction the guilt showing in his eyes. In the past, Shisui would have accepted this silent apology, but now he knows it will not suffice. Not after all this suffering.
"Why, Itachi, why?" he asks, not caring that he cannot keep his voice from sounding desperate.
"I loved you," he adds, his words as hollow as Itachi's haunted eyes, knowing very well that those words will break his cousin even more inside. He knows he is being unfair, but he wants Itachi to feel the anguish he has had to live with for so long, and when Itachi's face twists with sorrow, he knows he has succeeded.
"I know," is all Itachi replies.
"You aren't listening to me," Shisui says angrily. "I loved you."
"I know," Itachi repeats, making Shisui realise that indeed he knows and always knew. The unspoken "I loved you too" sounds loudly through every word.
And Shisui doesn't know whether this makes it all worse or not.
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End