Disclaimer: I don't own DTB. Wish I did, because Misaki and BK201 would so be having a romance. And I mean BK201. There's just something about that mask, how can a mask make a man so intensely sexy? I could go on all day about that mask, but I'm going to continue on with the fic.
I've finally started writing again after a horribly depressed year. I was so deep in depression, I couldn't even write, but I'm on meds and slowly coming out of it! My writing isn't quite up to par, but I'm just so glad that I can write again at all.
Warnings: Um… a het couple? Wow, a first for me.
Place where the little stars go!
Spring was a horrible time of year. Mao had decided this after his first year as a cat. Spring was simply awful! Why was it so horrible?
Because everyone went insane!
It seemed to be mostly cats and humans that were the problem. Humans weren't as bad, partially because he wasn't a human and therefore could sit there and watch them make fools of themselves. The great thing about being a cat is that no one cares if you stare at them. Especially when they're in a hormone induced frenzy. Luckily, Mao had yet to stumble upon any couples in the midst of their frenzy. Hei, unfortunately, was not so lucky. For a few weeks, the contractor had staked out the park to keep an eye on a potential mark. Sex in the park had been quite popular the that year, but after enough couples experienced severe shocks while copulating, the fad faded. Poor Hei would forever be wary of parks, however.
The worst part of spring was that every female cat for miles around became exceedingly horny. And every female cat viewed Mao as the epitome of male perfection. Every year, he would lose at least two pounds during his constant running away!
His only sanctuary seemed to be Hei. Animals didn't like Hei or any other contractor; they knew what lay under the smiling exterior. Even horny female cats, in all their desperation, would avoid Hei. So every year during the spring, the Black Reaper would have Mao practically glued to his side. Hei didn't seem to mind, if he did Mao suspected he would have electrocuted him a long time ago.
This year would be no different. Mao had already encountered one female, so he knew it was time to find Hei.
Too bad Hei had completely disappeared. Huang was in the park, waiting impatiently for the two contractors to show up. He flicked his finished cigar onto the ground and instantly pulled out another one. Mao's nose automatically scrunched in disgust when the foul stench drifted over to him. Huang's habit was revolting to start, and when he was impatient, he smoked even more. Mao didn't want to smell like that for the rest of the day, so Huang would just have to wait.
Yin was in the shop with the pink girl again. He certainly couldn't go in and ask her to find Hei. He left as the pink girl was giggling, and he did not want to know what it was about. The pink girl was plain disturbing.
2 hours later
As it turned out, Hei had been in the park the entire time. Thanks to Mao's low vantage point, he couldn't see Hei in the tree above Huang. So in the end, Mao was the one that Huang griped at.
"I have nothing to report," Hei had a book on his lap and Mao craned his head around in an effort to read the title. Hei rarely read for pleasure, but when he did it was always something interesting.
"Fine, just keep an eye on the police woman." Huang was saying as he turned a page in his newspaper. Hei didn't reply and Huang glared up at him in irritation.
"Don't you contractors know anything about conversation?" He asked.
"Have plenty of eye contact, a smile is always appreciated, and be sure to appear interested, but not to the extent of being creepy." Hei said immediately. Both Huang and Mao stared at him.
"Hei?" Mao asked cautiously, "Are you alright?"
"Yes."
"You contractors are already creepy." Huang muttered as he stood. "Don't let her see you."
Huang's warning wasn't necessary. Of course Hei knew not to let her see him. What kind of idiot did Huang think he was? Mao decided to vigorously wash his tail instead of commenting. Huang had a ridiculously short temper and Mao liked to avoid getting kicked.
"Mao." Hei said once Huang was out of earshot. "How much experience do you have with cultivating romantic relationships with women?"
"N-Nani?!" Mao did not just hear that. There had to be something wrong with his ears. Or maybe there was something wrong with Hei! There had to be!
"How much experience do you have with cultivating romantic relationships with women?" Hei repeated.
"Romantic relationships? What does…How…Why are you asking me?"
"How much?" Hei asked again.
"I'm a contractor in a cat's body!" Mao snapped. "Ask Huang!"
"Women seem to prefer you over Huang."
"Not for romance." Mao retorted. "Why are you asking?"
"Every time I see this woman, my body has abnormal reactions." Hei said. "My face feels hot, my palms start to sweat, and I begin to feel a strange sensation in my-."
"That's enough." Mao did not want to hear the rest of that sentence. "Maybe you're allergic to her?"
Okay, so that was a ridiculous reason, but Hei probably wouldn't understand the truth anyway.
"I have researched these symptoms," Hei continued. "And I believe that I want to have sexual relations with her."
Never mind, Hei was more mature than Mao thought.
"Are you sure about this?" Hei nodded.
"The best way to have a sexual relation with someone is to first cultivate a romantic relationship. Therefore, I need to make her fall in love with me."
"I…That is true…" How could Hei say such a thing? Did he realize what he was getting into?
"You will not tell Huang about this." Hei ordered.
"Hei. Love is a human emotion! You don't have human emotions! You don't know anything about them!" Mao tried to be the voice of logic, but Hei was too far gone for logic to make any difference.
"You will not tell Huang." Hei repeated, this time in a rather threatening tone of voice.
"I won't tell Huang… But you have no idea what you're getting into!" Mao had to keep trying, before Hei went and did something extremely stupid.
"Yes, I do."
"You're a rational being! Emotion is the most irrational thing in existence!"
"Then I will just have to be irrational." Hei stood up and tucked the book under one arm. Mao caught a glimpse of the title and, were his face not covered by black fur, he would have gone pale.
'A Basic Guide to Courting a Woman.'
"This is bad. This is very bad!" Hei was obviously content to leave Mao on the bench, ignoring the cat's whimpers as he walked away.
Mao decided after Hei disappeared that he was going to hide for the rest of the day. Screw Huang, he needed to recuperate. The conversation with Hei had put a severe strain on his already strained sanity. He would find a nice spot in the sun and just lay there. The thought of stretching out in the sun brightened his mood immediately and the black cat hopped off the bench and trotted away, intent upon finding his favorite spot.
Place where the little stars go!
Step 1: Letting the Lucky Lady Know that You are Interested!
Hei waited patiently outside the window to Misaki's office. It was nearing midnight and she had yet to leave her office. The large man, Saitou, also had yet to leave. Hei could feel a surge of irritation well up every time Saitou so much as spoke to Misaki. He didn't know why, but something about the man set him on edge. He really, really wanted to slice his head off.
However, Hei was fairly certain that killing Misaki's partner would be somewhat counterproductive to his goal.
If only the man would just leave!
The creaking of a chair brought Hei's attention back to the room as Saitou stood and hoisted a bag onto his shoulder.
"Goodnight, Misaki-san." Hei didn't bother to listen to Misaki's reply. His heart was beating too fast to hear it, anyway. He frowned and put a hand on his chest. Rapid heartbeat had been one of the symptoms, but it always began at the most inopportune moments. This moment being one of them!
Making a mental note to do something to Saitou later, Hei adjusted his mask, tried in vain to smooth his hair down, and pushed off from the building. He only feel a few feet before the wire went taut and he swung back towards the wall. Towards the window.
He had the entire encounter planned out. So far, all had gone well. Although Misaki reacted quicker than expected when he crashed through her window, he was still able to knock the gun out of her hands and trap her arms to her side with the wire. She shut her eyes, obviously expecting to be electrocuted, but when nothing happened she looked at him again.
"…" Everything Hei had planned to say disappeared the moment she looked at him. Every one of those accursed symptoms rushed back all at once and Hei's legs nearly gave out as his knees suddenly weakened.
"BK201." Luckily, Misaki saved him the effort of stating the conversation himself. "What do you want?"
The book had said that the best way to get to know someone was through casual conversation. So, what constitutes as casual?
"H-Hi." He was not pleased with the squeak he emitted when he spoke. Nor was he pleased by Misaki's reaction. Now she was just staring at him. Did he do something wrong? Wasn't this the way you start a conversation? Fine, he would try again.
"Hi." It didn't come out as a squeak this time. Misaki seemed to be in too much shock to reply. He would simply have to try harder.
"How are you?" Asking about someone's well being is a sure way to get them to talk. Humans have always been very enthusiastic when talking about themselves.
"What do you want? What kind of game is this?!" Misaki demanded as she tried to wriggle free of the wires. Hei pulled a little harder to tighten them.
"How. Are. You?" He said again. Hei was starting to get annoyed by her distinct refusal to have a casual conversation, devoid of any gunshots or attempted arrests.
"Fine, thanks. How are you?!" She yelled the last part at him and threw her body weight away, trying to pull him with her. Of course, her efforts were futile at best and he held onto the wire with one hand as he thought about how to answer.
"I'm fine." He finally settled for that. "It's a nice night."
"Yes, it is…" She had stopped struggling and now looked incredibly wary.
"A little cold, though." He continued. The book had listed the weather as an excellent topic for casual conversation.
"Right…" An awkward silence settled in as Hei tried to think of something else to say. The book had said that if you can't think of anything to say, then it's best to leave before you make a fool of yourself. Hei knew that he had to have more to say. All he had mentioned was the weather!
"You look…healthy." Make a positive comment about her appearance. Misaki did indeed look healthy, but her puzzled expression was not the response he had hoped for.
"…Thank you?" Hei sighed as the awkward silence settled in again. Time to go.
With a sharp jerk, the wire loosened and began to uncoil from around her body.
"Good night." Hei jumped out the window as Misaki dove for her gun. He threw out the wire and it caught on a ledge, allowing him to swing to the next rooftop. Once hidden in the darkness, he stopped to congratulate himself.
That had gone rather well. Misaki was as good as his.
Place where the little stars go!
Misaki cautiously looked out her broken window. She didn't expect to see him, and she didn't. No surprises there.
Now for the real question. Why the hell did Bk201 crash through her window for no apparent reason, get her at his mercy, and then try to have a conversation with her?! Contractors were always somewhat unstable, and BK201 had proven to be unpredictable as it was. But this went beyond being unpredictable. This was completely insane!
"What the hell is going on?!" Misaki kicked her overturned chair and glared at her office. Thanks to BK201's entrance, the entire room was covered in broken glass.
"Stupid contractors." She grumbled.
Place where the little stars go!
Hei looked…happy.
And it was damn creepy, Mao decided. Hei wasn't supposed to look happy! Li could look happy, but not Hei! Mao began washing his tail, trying to act like he was not severely creeping out.
Hei knew he was unsettling Mao, but he didn't care. He had successfully completed phase one of his plan. Now he just had to move on the phase two. He looked down at the checklist in his hand. Phase two…Gifts. Women love gifts, so shower her with them! Roses are especially popular, as well as small pieces of jewelry. Hei put the list back in his pocket and pulled out another list. He wrote 'roses' on it and nodded in satisfaction. He had already tried combing his hair, but nothing seemed to work, so he had tried to shave his face. He soon discovered that he wasn't even growing hair on his face, so he gave up after several painful cuts. He at least washed his face before he went to see her, but with the mask, she couldn't tell.
The only thing left was the cologne. Hei had never worn cologne, nor ever seen a reason to. But the book had specifically stated that women love the smell of good cologne.
"Mao, do you know of any good colognes?" Mao stared at him for a few seconds before he replied.
"I'm a cat, Hei." Hei took that as a no.
"Do you know of any good florists?" At this, Mao actually paused to think about it.
"There's one on Nakowa Ave. I've heard good things about it."
"Thank you." Hei out the list back in his pocket and started towards the park entrance. First he would get the roses, and then he would see about acquiring some cologne. He ignored Mao, who was following close at his heels.
"Hei! What do you think you're doing?! You can't just-!" Hei stopped and shot Mao a vicious glare. The cat contractor shrank back and laughed nervously.
"I mean, you can't go alone! I'll help you!" Mao breathed a sigh of relief as Hei turned away and kept walking.
"The things I do for my own hide." He muttered as he ran to keep up with Hei. The contractor had obviously lost his mind. He needed someone to keep an eye on him.
TBC…