Chapter 1 – Of Dreams and Kisses
"I just don't lie awake at night
Asking God to get you off my mind"
Brooks & Dunn, 'It's Getting Better All the Time'
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Lorelai thought things were going to be great. Christopher was back in her life, at least for now, and this time he sounded serious. They were going to start things up with each other; again. In the past, something or another had always prevented them from being the family Lorelai wanted; her, Rory, and Chris, all together.
But of course, things couldn't work out. Christopher had gotten his girlfriend Sherry pregnant. Being the new and responsible Chris, he claimed that he didn't want to mess this one up. Christopher had left, leaving Lorelai to walk down the aisle, pretending to be happy. And now Lorelai had nobody. Rory was in Washington, D.C., and she and Luke weren't exactly on the best of speaking terms.
These thoughts and more went through her head as she walked around the town. She circled the square at least five times, weaving her way in and out of the side streets. She wasn't crying, at least not yet. It would take some time for things to set in; Chris was gone and never coming back. She was alone, again. Lorelai carried her strappy sandals in her hand, her hair falling in her flushed face. It was then that the first few tears began to come.
It was the night of Sookie's wedding. The happy couple had disappeared after the ceremony, doing Lord knows what. Lorelai had lingered for a bit, dazed and in shock, after Christopher had left. She didn't know where she was going, but she knew she had been walking for at least a few hours. She stopped then, brushing the hair from her face. She was standing in front of Luke's.
The diner was closed up. Luke leaned with his elbows on the counter, taking a break from the strenuous cleaning he had to perform every night. A sponge rested next to his arm, idle for the moment. Lorelai took a deep breath, jiggling the handle of the door. It was locked. Luke looked up, stiffening as he saw who was there. There were tears on her face, and, pitifully, Luke swiftly moved to let her in. Lorelai stepped thankfully into the safety of the diner, into the warm arms of her friend, Luke.
Luke was a bit taken aback. He hadn't civilly spoken with Lorelai in a while, and it was quite unlike her to need a hug. Still, Luke wrapped his arms around her, hugging her close, somewhat uncomfortable. He knew when she needed a friend. He knew everything about her. The heel of Lorelai's shoe poked him in the back and he flinched, but he didn't let her go. A few muffled words of hers made their way past the flannel of Luke's shirt as she cried into his shoulder.
"I'm sorry Luke," she sobbed.
Luke released her from the hug, taking her by the hand and gruffly speaking in reply.
"Come on. I'll get you some coffee and you can tell me what's wrong."
Once she was settled at the counter with a cup of coffee and a donut, Lorelai looked up at Luke. He was still, a fair distance away from her. She knew that crying women made him uncomfortable, so she tried her best to stop, sniffing. A wry attempt at a smile was given, and Lorelai tried to avoid the subject of her grief.
"Thanks for the coffee. You sure know the way to a girl's heart," she joked.
Luke, seeing right through her, flicked off the switch of the coffee maker, giving her a hard look. Lorelai panicked at the thought of no more coffee and began to talk with a shrug.
"This is the second time I let myself do this," she started.
"Do what?"
"Think I finally found it."
"Found what?" Luke replied in his usual fashion.
"Love, comfort, safety," she looked down at her coffee mug, wrapping her hands around it. "I mean, first with Max, which of course, I screwed up, and then with Christopher, which of course, all the elements of the universe got together to screw up."
She looked back up at Luke, who was staring at her. He didn't say anything, but his expression told her to go on.
"I always thought if he could just get it together, grow up – maybe we could do it. Maybe we could really be a family, in the stupid, traditional 'Dan Quayle, golden retriever, grow old together, wear matching jogging suits' kind of way. And then he did get it together – he became that guy... and he gets to be that guy with her. Chris is gonna have a baby with his girlfriend. He's gonna marry her... and he's gonna be there for her while she's pregnant and he's gonna be there with her while her child grows up, and he's gonna be there for her while she does... whatever it is she does. And I am in exactly the same place that I was in before."
"Is that so bad? I mean, you've got Rory, friends, a house, a job…" he trailed off, shrugging.
"No, it's not so bad. I'm lucky, I know. I just... I feel like I'm never gonna have it... the whole package, you know? That person, that couple life, and I swear, I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Wonder Woman, but... I really want it – the whole package," she finished then, wiping the tears from her face.
Luke looked a bit uncomfortable, as if he didn't know what to say next. On a whim, he went with the first thing that came to mind.
"You know… um… I'm not it, the whole package, whatever… but you'll always have me," he stated simply.
Her face broke into a smile then, and she reached across the counter to lay a hand on his arm. Her hand was soft and warm, and Luke looked down with embarrassment.
"Thanks Luke. I know that," she replied softly.
Lorelai removed her hand and stepped back, avoiding his gaze. She hadn't looked at him closely all night, afraid that she still might find a bit of anger and resentment in his eyes. But then, hers met his and she was reminded of her dream, the one where she was pregnant with Luke's twins. She looked at him strangely then, remembering when he had kissed her in the dream. She blushed, and he cleared his throat, obviously flustered for some reason. Lorelai, seized with impulse, put her hand over his where it rested on the counter.
Perhaps it was that she was lonely and heartbroken, or perhaps it was her dream. Either way, Lorelai locked her eyes with Luke's and stood from her chair, making her way behind the counter. Luke, troubled, stood still and slid his hand out from beneath hers. Lorelai would not be wavered, however. Feeling a bit high, as if drunk, she grabbed both of his hands with hers, interlocking their fingers.
Luke could only goggle with wide eyes. She was inches from his face now, her blue eyes dark in the dimness of the diner. He licked his lips in anticipation as her hands moved to rest on his cheeks. Luke closed his eyes, awaiting the inevitable kiss. It was then that Lorelai spoke softly, her voice husky. She was crying again.
"I dreamed about you," she said, "and in my dream you kissed me."
And then she kissed him. Lorelai was kissing him. Lorelai was kissing Luke. Luke was kissing Lorelai. Luke and Lorelai were kissing. For years he had dreamed of this moment, the one when he would kiss Lorelai for real. She tasted sweet, like coffee as well, and he gratefully deepened the kiss. His hands were tangled in her hair, reveling in the soft curls. When Lorelai flung his baseball cap from his head to run her fingers through his hair, a shiver went down his spine. However, when she reached for the buttons of his shirt, a warning alarm dinged shrilly in his head. Luke finally realized what they were doing, what he was doing. When she shrugged the flannel shirt from his shoulders he backed away.
This was wrong. It was very wrong. As much as he loved her, Luke did not want her to do anything that she might regret. Most of all, he was afraid. Afraid that Lorelai would use him as she wished, then cast him aside with a broken heart. Mustering all of the strength he had left, he gripped her shoulders hard and looked into her eyes. Lorelai, confused, stumbled to get the words out.
"Luke? What's wr-" he cut her off.
"Lorelai, listen to me. You don't want to be doing this. I know it and you know it. Please, just stop now, before you hurt me any more than you already have." Luke stated with emotion.
Every word he spoke was like a dagger through her heart. Lorelai didn't know what he was talking about. How had she hurt him? Of course, everybody in the town knew that Luke was totally in love with her except Lorelai herself. What she would see as a night of appreciating what she has, Luke would see as his dream finally coming true. Lorelai shrugged, her hair falling into her face.
"I must say, I don't know what you're talking about. Now, shut up and kiss me again; it's much better than in the dream," she blurted.
Leaning forward, she reached for him, but his hands on her shoulders stopped her. Surprised, she looked up to find Luke giving her a hard stare. He knew she was telling the truth; she had no idea that he was madly in love with her. But seeing her, standing there so sexy and seductive and naïve to his feelings, made Luke angrier than ever. He grew cold, dropping his hands from her and stepping back. His voice was low and angry, perhaps even a little heartbroken.
"You can't just kiss me and expect your problems to go away," he trailed off. "You have no idea, do you? You don't know how I feel. I don't know what else to say… just go. Please," he glowered.
Lorelai, angry at the rejection and possibly the most confused she had been in her entire life, spun on her heel and bolted for the door.