Chapter 1

I look at myself in the mirror, and all I see is a plain woman with dull green eyes, and long dingy brown hair. My good friend, Kazuma-sama, has given me a beautiful black velvet diary. He says I can write my thoughts in it. I shake my head, my hair shifting about my face, shadowing my vision. I pick up a pen from my desk and begin to write as I lay on my futon in the house my family and I live in. I have not accomplished much in my 23 years of life, so perhaps Kazuma-sama's generosity will go to waste on me. But I shake the thought as I write as legibly as I can.

My name is Sohma Rini. I am a resident in the main house. It is the only world I know. Sometimes I dream of another world, but that dream is impossible.

He is beautiful. He is kind. He is...wonderful. He is my love. I see him everywhere I go—the gold chrysanthemums in autumn remind me of his eyes, the snow in winter reminds me of his beautiful hair. The pale flower petals of spring remind me of his skin. The soft night of summer reminds me of his voice. But I cannot have him. He is so far above me that wanting him is like wanting to touch the stars in the heavens. How could he possibly know I exist? I could not presume so much! I must content myself with glimpses of him, with barely overheard murmurs of his voice. After all, I am an 'outside' family member to the main house and he is one of the head of the family's favorites. His world is far above mine.

As I put down my pen, I feel tears at the corners of my plain green eyes. Why was he so far away? So unattainable? I slip on my shoes at the door and run to Kazuma-sama's dojo in the main house grounds.

He is training with a boy who looks like he's in high school. The boy has fiery orange hair, and piercing yet somehow gentle blood red eyes. I hear a rattle and I look at his hand, it has an odd little black and white beaded bracelet on it. I wonder what it is for? So as not to be rude, I wait by the door until the boy bows and leaves. He has a very rough voice, but he seems very close to Kazuma-sama.

"Good day Shishou! I will come back tomorrow for training again!" the boy said happily. Kazuma-sama nodded and smiled.

"Just try not to get into trouble Kyo…I'd rather hear good things from Shigure next time…no more fighting at school young man," Kazuma-sama said sternly, but with a soft kindness to his voice that he didn't put into the open for just anyone. As I smile, Kazuma-sama sees me and motions me over. I bow to his young friend, and he bows politely in return.

"Gomen nasai, Kazuma-sama…I did not know you had a student with you…or I would not have bothered you…" I say meekly. He nods with a gentle smile like always, and motions me to his student.

"I'd like you to meet my oh so troublesome son, Rini-san," he says. I immediately bow to the boy and flush at my rudeness.

"Gomen nasai! I am sorry to be rude, I didn't introduce myself! I am Sohma Rini. It is a pleasure to meet you!" I say shyly, as always. I wonder, is he also one of the 'inside' family? My father and mother are 'inside', but they say I am 'outside' because of the ignorance of my own brother. But he was taken from my view before I could have the chance to meet him. I do not even know his name!

"I'm Kyo Sohma. Nice to meet you…Shishou? Do you know this girl?" Kyo-san says, mildly confused. He takes Kyo-san to the side and they whisper. What they are saying, I do not know quite clearly, but it sounds a bit strange.

"Yes Kyo. She is the little sheep's older sister. She doesn't know about him though, so don't let on that you know him…" Kazuma-sama warns his son, but I ignore that I hear this and become preoccupied with some flowers outside the porch.

Kyo-san left, and Kazuma-sama sat me down and looked at me with his kind eyes, waiting for me to tell him my thoughts. He would never push me to tell him, and I am thankful for that, for that means I never have to tell more than I want to. I sigh once and then bow.

"Gomen, Kazuma-sama. I am sorry. I do not mean to take your time with this empty space. I only wanted to see you…I was feeling…that way again…" I say, knowing he will understand.

He nods and takes my hand.

"Rini-san…"he says with a sigh, "I am the one whom should be sorry…I have lied to you. I know your brother…and he has seen you, but you do not see him. He is…of the 'inside' family. Like your parents, they merely did not want the stressed life you would live if you knew all the others of the 'inside'."

"Please! Kazuma-sama! Tell me who he is, where he is! I want to know everything! How old is he? Where does he live? Does he ever ask about me?" I say, in a flurry of words. Kazuma-sama puts a finger to my lips to quiet me. I do not fight, as he has been very good to me. He has been the father that my own never was.

"I…cannot answer many of those questions, but I will say that he asks about you. You are the only name, besides Kisa-san, that he speaks without a hint of sarcasm. He has never dishonored your name before, I doubt he ever will…" Kazuma-sama says quietly. I look not at his eyes, but at his steal gray hair, then to his ear, then the space beyond him entirely. It is all I can do not to cry. I thought I was upset before, but now I am in even more alarm. What will I do? How can I answer this? Can I truly say I am happy he thinks of me, his sister? But…how could he care like Kazuma-sama says, if he does not try to talk to me if he sees me?

"Kazuma-sama…i… I need to leave now…" I say, my words cracking, I bow and walk out quickly, only to cry once I am seemingly alone in the gardens. I do not know if Kazuma-sama was hurt by my actions, maybe I should apologize to him, but I cannot at the moment. Then I hear two sets of soft footsteps behind me in the stone pathway. I hear a small boys gasp and I feel a hand on my shoulder in an instant as I sit on a stone bench.

Looking over, I see a young boy with a pair of concerned deep brown eyes, and short, sandy hair. His face seems so grown up, yet I would say he is no older than a sixth grader. He wipes my tears away, and looks at me with the utmost pain in his eyes. He has a frown plastered on his face, and as a little girl watches in awe, I see Kyo-san in the distance with another of the 'inside' family, Momiji-kun.

"HIRO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW! ARE YOU BUGGING THAT WOMAN?" Kyo-san screams. I get up and brush myself off. I bow to the boy.

"Arigato for your concern…I am Sohma Rini, by the way," I say to the pair of children, then I turn to Kyo-san and Momiji-kun, "Kyo-san! He is not bothering me a bit! I was only a bit upset about something Kazuma-sama said…it was nothing to be worked up about really, so I am sorry for the trouble."

"Awwwww! Rini-chan was upset? I'm sorry Rini-chaaaaan! I should have been here to comfort you!" Momiji-kun says, a whine to his voice as his eyes convey his concern.

"Ie, ie! You do not have to feel bad Momiji-kun! It was very small! I was fine!" I say, waving my innocent little high school friend off. He looks at me sadly, not completely believing me, but accepting the explanation and not pushing me, much like Kazuma-sama. The little boy just smirks at them.

"What? Now you're not going to say you're sorry for accusing me of making her upset? How rude Kyo. And here I thought you were so polite. But I guess that's only at the dojo when your step-dad is there. I hate two-faced people! You only act polite to impress certain people, and then you go and act like a jerk to everyone else! How like you," the boy says. I can only stare in awe at this child. He seems so mature and dignified, and yet he's so young! He looks at my gaping and I blink and look at the ground in a slight bow.

"Gomen nasai…I was staring again…it's just…" I start to drift off.

"Just what?" he presses gently, his entire demeanor has changed.

"It's just…you're so young, but you act more adult than I am. I just didn't expect you to be able to confuse Kyo-san so easily!" I say in surprise, and Kyo-san just stares at me like I'm nieve, then he shakes his head, as if trying not to say something. I can only wonder about this action though, as Momiji-kun pulls me away to go to Hatori-sama's house.

"Rini-chan! Come see Ha'ri' with me!" he chirps happily. He brings many smiles to my face these days, as Momiji-kun is like the little brother I do not remember. As he leads me along, I look back once to see the little boy leading the little girl away and Kyo-san lecturing him about how he needs to stop being a pompous brat that acts like he knows it all. I did not get that impression of him, maybe I took his intelligence the wrong way?

Momiji-kun stops in his tracks and pulls me to the side, behind a tree. He is shaking a bit, and I don't know why. I look up and see his object of fear. The person floating past, as that is the only way for me to describe the way he moves, has tousled ebony hair, like crow feathers and twice as soft. And he has piercing dark brown, almost black eyes. His yukata is sloppily sitting on his shoulders, sliding off a bit and he has to pull it up in one swift, graceful movement. It is Akito-sensei. He is the head of the family, and we have to listen to him always, but I have never found reason to be afraid of him. Momiji-kun, however, has. There were rumors that Akito-sensei was the one who weaved lies into his mother's mind, making her want to forget Momiji-kun. But it is dishonorable of me to think such evil things, especially since I don't know if it's true. I shall have to ask Hatori-sama, he would know.

"Come on…let's get to Hatori's house quickly…" Momiji-kun whispers. His tone surprises me, as I have barely ever heard him in a less than cheerful mood. I nod and follow, as we keep to the shadows. Why is Momiji-kun afraid to be seen by Akito-sensei? Is it because of my presence? Momiji-kun and Kazuma-sama are the only 'inside' family I know, or at least am aware of. We go quietly into Hatori-sama's house, and walk into his workroom. He is sitting at the desk, looking over files, as always.

"Hatori-sama is such a hard worker." I say, more of a statement than a question. Momiji-kun nods and Hatori-sama looks back at us, and flashes one of his rare half smiles.

"What a surprise. Momiji and Rini-san…I feel special now," he says, in his deep monotone voice. I wonder, why doesn't he ever let anyone, save my love and another friend of theirs, ever get close enough to see the real Hatori-sama? I will not ask any more foolish questions, I think, shaking my head at the thought. Hatori-sama comes up to me and tilts my head, staring into my eyes for the longest time. His eyes, or eye, as his fairly long black hair covers his other one, seem to search me for something.

"You've been crying. Your eyes are dry and bloodshot. And there are some tear stains around your eyelids still…what's wrong?" Hatori-sama says, his voice laced with concern. I flush, I am very lucky to have so many people care about my well-being. I do not deserve such wonderful family.

"It is nothing Hatori-sama. I am much better now. See? All smiles when Momiji-kun and Hatori-sama are around!" I say with a smile. And I mean it. Hatori-sama and Momiji-kun act more like family than Otoo-san and Okaa-san act like my parents. The thought of going home saddens me again and my smile fades and he let's my chin go, flopping dramatically into his chair. Momiji-kun sits by him on the floor, at Hatori-sama's feet. I don't think Hatori-sama realizes it, but Momiji-kun really likes him, and I think, though Hatori-sama wouldn't admit for his life, Hatori-sama likes Momiji-kun too.

"Hatori-sama looks very tired…" I say quietly, leaning my head on Hatori-sama's lap. He sighs and absentmindedly ruffles Momiji-kun's hair.

"Yes…" he whispers, "Hatori-sama is tired. I've had to work a lot lately…but don't worry about it Rini-san…I'll be alright. Ayame comes to make sure I don't have a 'boring afternoon' as he always says."

My heart skips a few beats as Hatori-sama says his name, and my pulse quickens, my chest tightens as I remember his soft moonlight hair and his golden eyes fondly. I suppose a smile crossed my features, as Momiji-kun and Hatori-sama both smiled at me.

"Why is Rini-chan so happy all of a sudden? Did Ha'ri and me' cheer you up! YAY! Rini-chan is happy again!" Momiji-kun says with a laugh. I suspect Hatori-sama knows better though. He knows I am in love with Sohma-sama. But he sits there silently, not saying a word. And I am thankful. If anyone besides Kazuma-sama, and Hatori-sama knew, I just know I would be punished. For he, once again, is part of the 'inside', and I am beneath him with the 'outside' family members. Hatori-sama squeezes my shoulder, and then I know, I know he won't tell. Momiji-kun leaves once Hatori-sama gets a call from Momiji-kun's Otoo-san that he needs to come home.

"So…were you upset about Ayame? That seems like you Rini-san…" he says, lighting a cigarette as I look with a displeased frown.

"You're going to kill yourself one day…" I scold, but sigh and shake my head, "It started out as that, so I went to see Kazuma-sama…but he told me about my little brother…but he wouldn't tell me much, so I became…distressed again. Maybe I am too weak a person to live inside the family gates, with the rest of the 'inside' family. Hatori-sama? Sohma-sama is one of Akito-sensei's favorites, ie? You are Akito-sensei's doctor…are you one of his favorites too?" I say timidly, prying into my own curiosity. He nods after taking a long drag from his cigarette. and he blows out the dark gray cloud.

"Yes Rini-san. I am. There are 11 others besides Ayame and myself. Momiji included…" he sighs. I gasp, Momiji-kun is a favorite of Akito-sensei?

"But…Momiji-kun is…" I start, but he cuts me off.

"Still a child, I know. That doesn't matter to Akito…you…you would have been 'inside' family, had your parents not kept you away from your brother. He is one of Akito's favorites too…but it's all for the best really. You don't have to live the gloomy life that Ayame, Momiji, and myself have to lead. You can be carefree and do what you want, go outside and be a real person. You're not locked in the Sohma family cage, as Yuki calls it. You're so lucky…if you knew your brother, Akito would lock you away too, and you'd realize just how miserable life could be when you're on a leash 24/7, " Hatori-sama says darkly, then waves me off as the last rays of sunlight fade outside his door. "Go home now…your parents probally are wondering where you are. They'll be angry if you tell them I was with you, so say you were helping around the house. That's not a total lie…you help Momiji and my days a little more bearable. Good day, Rini-san."

With this, I leave and go home, walking slowly. As I pass Sohma-sama's house, I see his face look out the window with a smile and he waves to me! Sohma-sama has noticed me! I blush, thankful for the cover of the setting sun, and run home. I close my door, ignoring the shouts of Otoo-san and Okaa-san for once and sit in my room in bliss.