Comfort
I pulled my tank top down, smoothing it over my belly and hips, using my fingers to brush back my wet hair. It was a little depressing to think about how good it had felt to shower in the SGC locker room and return to the questionable comfort of my quarters. But after our ordeal on Ne'tu and the lengthy debrief when we got back, I was way too tired to try to drive home. Besides, Martouf and my dad weren't 'gating back til the next morning and I wanted to keep an eye on them, especially Dad.
Not wanting to be alone with my thoughts and memories of the past few days, I turned and pressed play on my MP3 player. The soft strains of Evanescence's "My Immortal" piped through the speakers.
"Huh!" I sighed, sitting down hard on my bed. I pulled my legs up to my chest and buried my face in my knees. I felt a few tears slide through my eyelids and roll down my cheeks, leaving hot trails in their wake. I couldn't help but think of everything Jolinar had endured to escape Ne'tu and get back to Martouf. Or what finally knowing was doing to him.
I sighed again and started when I heard a soft knock on my door. I unfolded myself from the bed, wiping my cheeks dry and smoothing my tank and shorts. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror, taking it in and shrugging. I pulled open the door, surprised to find Martouf standing there.
"Samantha, I . . ." he started, stopping with a sigh. The tormented look in his eyes broke my heart. I took his hand and pulled him into my quarters, softly closing the door behind us. At a loss for words, I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him to me tightly.
"Shh" I soothed, as he buried his face into my neck and clung tightly to me, almost as if he were trying to keep from drowning. I smoothed my hands down his back, along his arms, over and over, trying in every way I could think of to offer some comfort. I turned my face toward his, whispering comforting words in his ear, and pressing a kiss to his cheek. I felt his body stiffen slightly in my arms and froze, afraid that I had gone too far.
Martouf turned his face toward mine, meeting my eyes with his shadowed ones. Pushing all confusion and caution aside, I took his face in my hands and gently kissed the tears from his cheeks. I continued, placing small kisses on his eyes, finally pressing my lips to his. Martouf deepened our kiss, passionately kissing me until the need to breathe became overwhelming and we parted. I pulled back from Martouf, keeping his hand clasped in mine. I wordlessly pulled him toward my bed, sitting next to him and turning to face him. Not feeling the need to say anything, I met his eyes with mine and leaned forward to kiss him again.
******
Martouf and I laid in a tangle of sheets, my head resting on his shoulder, my fingers tracing lazy patterns on his chest. His arm was wrapped around my waist, my skin still tingling everywhere Martouf and touched or kissed me. I would have gladly stayed like that forever, but, as usual, my overactive mind kicked into high gear, leaving me with lots of questions. Questions I wasn't sure I really wanted the answers to. I tried to put off talking for as long as possible, but Martouf must have sensed the change in my mood.
"Samantha, I am sorry. After everything you've done to help me . . . help the Tok'ra . . . I never should have come to you tonight." He stammered, trying to sit up.
"Martouf, no, wait!" I said putting my hand flat on his chest and pushing him back onto his back on the bed. "It's not your fault . . . and it's OK! I mean, yeah, I think we need to talk, but . . . um. . I'm . . . ah . . . glad you came to me." I said, feeling myself blush.
"This was not my intention in coming here tonight," Martouf began. I needed to . . . talk about what Jolinar did, what she felt that she needed to do, what she endured to get out."
"Martouf, did you come to see me or to dredge up more of Jolinar's memories?" I asked quietly, not sure which answer I preferred. I wasn't sure how I would handle it if he admitted to seeing Jolinar while in the throes of passion with me.
"When I knocked on your door, I think I was seeking comfort and answers from your memories of Jolinar." I closed my eyes, biting my lip. "But then you opened the door and I saw you standing there, with your hair still wet, the hurt I was feeling so deeply reflected in your eyes. And I knew that you were whom I needed to see, to be near."
I lay there speechless, not trusting my voice to be steady and not really sure what to say anyway. I knew we still had to talk about what had brought him to my room in the first place, but I wasn't ready to bring it up just yet. Instead, I snuggled closer to Martouf, resting my head on his shoulder again. I was emotionally and physically exhausted and found myself drifting in and out of sleep. I was surprised to find myself so comfortable lying in Martouf's arms.
"Samantha?" Martouf finally broke the silence.
"Hmm?" I answered, knowing we had put off talking as long as we could.
"When we were on Ne'tu you warned me that Apophis would use my anger at what Jolinar did against me. You assured me that she truly loved me, telling me she did what she had to in order to escape.' I nodded, waiting for him to continue. "I do not think that I was ever really angry with her exactly. I do feel betrayed – no matter how I try to rationalize it to myself – I feel betrayed." Martouf's voice broke and I propped myself on one elbow so I could look him in the eye.
"Martouf, I meant what I said on Ne'tu. Jolinar love you, right up til the end. Having a . . . relationship for lack of a better word, with . . . him. . it killed her inside. She did it all to get back to you. She never intended for you to find out." I told him, holding his gaze with mine. "She was so afraid that you'd look at her differently if you knew. So many years as an undercover operative had worn away at her trust in people and she was heartbroken to think that you'd leave her." His eyes glistened with unshed tears as he listened.
"How . . . why would she think that I could ever love her less? She had been my mate for decades, my love for her deeper than I could ever express with words. How could she have such little faith in me?" Martouf asked, barely able to contain his emotions.
"An ordeal like the one she went through is bound to change someone, skew the way they see things. She was barely alive when you found her. By the time she was well enough to talk, telling you what she had done was most likely the last thing she wanted to do. I'd want to block it all out if it was me. She had no way of knowing that all of this would happen . . . that you'd ever find out." I paused, shifting my weight and sitting up, pulling the sheet up to cover myself. I took a deep breath. "She loved you more than I can even fathom possible. You have to believe that. Sometimes, I feel what she felt, and it's overwhelming . . . a little scary. . beautiful." I finished with a whisper.
Martouf sat up behind me and scrubbed his hands over his face. "So was that what this was? You acting on what you felt of Jolinar's feelings?" he asked, sounding conflicted and more than a little frustrated.
"Um . . . uh . . . no, that, that was all me." I blushed, hiding my face from him. I heard him draw in a sharp breath and felt him place his fingers under my chin. He turned my face toward his, penetrating my eyes with his gaze.
"Samantha?" he asked, raising an eyebrow in question.
"Martouf . . .I . . . "I stammered, trying to collect my thoughts into a coherent sentence. "It's like I told Lantash. I've begun to determine what feelings are mine and which ones were Jolinar's. Beyond even that, when I saw you at my door tonight, my instinct was to take you in my arms and comfort you. It almost felt like I was the only one who really could, who really understood. Things, uh, went a little farther that I'd normally let them but it's OK. I'm not sorry that it happened." I offered him a small half-smile.
"I have to admit, this development has come as a bit of a shock to me." Martouf smiled. "Not necessarily an unwelcome one, however." He leaned in and kissed me gently.
"Yeah, me too." I kissed him back, leaning in and guiding him back down onto the pillows
*****
I stood at the bottom of the ramp, hugging my dad. He was doing much better, but still had a long, hard road ahead of him and I was reluctant to let him go.
"Sam, honey, I promise I'll be back soon. You get that leave line dup and we'll go somewhere quiet." He said, kissing my cheek and grinning at me.
"I love you, Dad. I'll see you soon." I answered, kissing him back. He made his way over to General Hammond and the rest of SG-1, giving me a few minutes to say a quiet goodbye to Martouf.
We gazed into each other's eyes for a minute, not knowing exactly what to say. The past few days had been emotionally and physically exhausting for both of us, and neither of us had gotten much rest the night before. In spite of all of that, Martouf looked more at rest and at peace than he had since he had arrived in our 'gate room with the news of my father's capture.
"Samantha, I shall miss you immensely." Martouf said quietly, wrapping me in a tender embrace. "I want to thank you for helping me through this. I do not think I could have come to understand what Jolinar went through, or why, without you."
"You're welcome, Martouf." I answered, hugging him back. "I hope we'll see one another again soon." I pulled back, taking his hands in mine, my eyes welling with tears I could not let fall.
"As do I." Martouf answered, deeply, passionately kissing me before turning back toward my father and my team members. I saw their eyebrows rise simultaneously and ducked my head to hide my smile while my father and Martouf headed toward the 'gate. I knew I had some explaining to do, but that would have to wait . . . first, I need to catch up on some sleep.