The possibilities seemed endless that summer afternoon as I sat on the couch knitting a blue blanket for our son.
Would he have your blue eyes? Would he be as strong and caring and selfless as you? Maybe he'd be more like me. Stubborn, foolish, weak-willed me. I hoped more than anything that wasn't the case; that if our little boy ever wanted anything as badly as I wanted to be with you he'd go after it with everything within him. I hoped he'd never settle.
My thoughts consumed me so completely that I hadn't even noticed how dark the room had gotten. I walked to the open living room window and took in the scene around me. The wind outside was howling, and the air smelled of rain. A storm was coming. A fierce storm. The kind of storm that did whatever it wanted, not caring how many people got hurt or what kind of destruction it left in its wake. I know it sounds crazy Jason, but for a moment I envied that storm.
It was in that moment that I saw you, standing in my front yard, looking straight at me through the window. I'd only seen you a few times since my wedding, and never without Sam. I felt like a teenager again looking at you in that tight black t-shirt.
I turned the doorknob, but made no effort to push the door open. The wind did that for me. It was so loud that I had to yell for you to hear me. "Jason, what are you doing here?"
"My car broke down a couple miles away, and I lost my cell. I was going to walk home, but now it looks like it's going to rain, and-"
"Do you want to come in? You can use our phone."
"Yeah," you sighed as you made your way up the porch stairs. "Thanks."
You were staring at my belly. It had grown bigger since the last time you saw me. Vainly, I wondered what you were thinking- if you thought of me as some kind of oversized whale or if you were happy because my big belly meant our baby was healthy.
I didn't have time to ask. You called Sam immediately after you stepped foot in the house. You didn't say anything to me. You didn't ask about the baby. You hardly even looked at me. It was like you were afraid of something. What was it, Jason? Were you afraid I'd hurt you? Or were you just afraid that if you let yourself get close to me again it would be too hard to pull away?
"Phone lines must be down" you said, handing the phone to me. "Probably the wind."
I offered to let you ride the storm out with me, but you didn't answer. Instead you asked where Lucky was.
"He's at Wyndamere. Cam and Spencer had a playdate, and he and Nikolas had some paperwork to sort out about Laura."
The rain was coming down hard at that point. I moved closer to the window to watch. I've always been drawn to thunderstorms. The sense of danger excites me. You stood behind me, but said nothing. We didn't touch. We stood like that for what felt like hours.
The rain became so fierce, that I couldn't see much past the yard. The lighting was nearly constant.
And then the neighbor's tree got hit. That tree must have been hundreds of years old, but one bolt of lightning and it was on the ground, torn in two. It shook the whole house when it fell, and I lost my balance.
You shouted my name with such terror in your voice as I fell. It was the first time that night you had shown any kind of feeling toward me at all. But your emotion was so raw, your concern so sincere.
Your two strong arms caught me before I hit the ground. They pulled me to my feet before I could even gather my wits.
"That could have hit the house" I said, in shock.
"Hey" you said, tucking a wild strand of hair behind her ear. "It'll be okay. You're safe."
"Yeah" I whispered. God, I wanted to kiss you in that moment more than I have ever wanted to kiss anyone in my life. But I didn't. I held back.
And then, for some reason I still haven't figured out, you brought up ancient history. "Remember what you said about the wind that one time? How you wanted to paint it?"
"Yeah" I laughed. "I was full of stupid dreams back then."
"They weren't stupid. Not at all. They were… They were everything to me."
"Life was so different back then" I scoffed. "I was so restless, and the only thing that ever gave me any kind of satisfaction was being on the back of your motorcycle, feeling the wind in my hair, and having my arms around your chest. I miss that."
"I miss that too" you said. "I miss you."
And then you kissed me. I had enough strength to stop myself from kiss you, but I just couldn't bring myself to stop you from kissing me. My body relaxed into you, and I realized just how much I missed being your arms, pressing my lips to yours.
I wanted to touch your chest, to run my hands over the curve of your muscles, so I took your shirt off. I didn't really think about what I was doing. But I didn't regret it once it had happened.
And as you laid me on the floor and made love to me, I felt closer to you than I ever had before.
But then it was over, and the thunder grew quiet. The storm was passing and we both knew that it was over. It was time for you to leave. For you to go back to Sam. For me to go back to my life with Lucky. For both of us to forget this ever happened. But neither of us moved.
"I love you" I said. Not as a desperate plea meant to change anything about our situation, but as a simple statement meant to express a fact of my life.
You looked away, and without saying anything, slipped out the door. I know you felt it though. There's no way you couldn't have. No way the passion between us was only one sided.
I stood in my doorway watching you wander off into the night until you disappeared from view. I hoped that you would turn around and look at me, if even for a moment, but you never did. That was when you made your choice, wasn't if Jason? That was when you chose her. That was when you decided once and for all that we would never be together again.
The next morning I stood, cup of tea in hand, and stared at the half-finished blanket spread across the table. For one awful moment I wished I wasn't a mother. I wish I could be like Sam. That I didn't have to worry about anyone's safety by my own, and that I could be with you, riding with him across town in your motorcycle. I wished I could visit Paris and Italy with you. I wished I could spend every night falling asleep in your arms. In a moment of anger I dumped the tea on the blanket, and threw the mug into the wall.
But, just as quickly, I knelt to the floor and began to gather the pieces. I will always want a life with you, but we both know that I could never abandon my children. I'd sacrifice anything for them, including you, and so that is what I'm doing.
I will spend the rest of my life in a 9-5 job. I will stay in my loveless marriage.
"Mommy!" Cam shouted from the doorway, quickly bounding into the house.
"Oh thank goodness I was so worried" I said. I pulled Cam into my arms and held him tight, kissing the top of his head.
"We're fine" Lucky smiled. "We even brought brownies."
"Perfect" I said. "What more could a woman ask for?"
I knew the answer. It was you. But, I can't have you. Goodbye Jason. Forever.