A/N: This was my story for a Christmas ficathon that I did with my two friends Mo and Lizzie. The guidelines were: a Christmas fic; a surprise had to be included and an eyelash curler had to appear somewhere. It was also meant to be a one shot … oops.

It was originally just going to be one long chapter but I decided – with the help of my beta - that I would spilt it into nine short chapters. Every other chapter will be a flashback (shown by cursive text as per usual). All nine are completed, so I will be uploading a new chapter every other day.

A big thank you to my beta, Mo and friend Lizzie for their blush-inducing responses to this story.

Enjoy and review, please!

It's okay not to be okay.

The large bay window in Lorelai's bedroom was wide open, allowing an icy draught to slowly fill the room. Lorelai was sat on the window seat, her back leant against the wall for support, with her legs to her chest and a large mug of coffee perched precariously on her knees. She tilted her head backwards against the wall, her eyelids fluttered closed and she inhaled deeply; taking in the smell of the winter's night and committing it to memory. She smiled slowly, her expression wistful, yet there was a hint of pain etched on her face. It was a pain that had aged, grown deeper with every passing day; its scars etched in the premature stress lines on her young face.

The town of Stars Hollow had been obscured in a blanket of fresh snow, a picture-perfect Connecticut white Christmas. Lorelai had loved Stars Hollow at this time of year; it was magical. All the shops were decorated head-to-toe in Christmas lights and tinsel, a large Christmas tree stood in the town square and the town troubadour now sung Christmas songs. It was a time of celebration, joy and family. Lorelai had loved Christmas.

"Hey," Luke whispered softly into her ear, jarring her from her thoughts. She turned to face him and he swore he saw the faintest whisper of a smile cross her lips. A proper smile that is. Lorelai's smiles nowadays never quite reached her eyes. Her smiles seemed false somehow as if she was trying to kid others into thinking that she's doing okay; or possibly trying to kid herself. This one, however, seemed undeniably true. He smiled in response, glad to see some of the old Lorelai return, even if it was only for a second.

"Hey, you," Lorelai cooed, kissing him lightly. "What are you doing up?" she questioned.

Luke sat on the edge of the window seat, next to her legs, so that he was facing Lorelai. "Funny, I was going to ask you the same question," he countered, concern lacing his voice.

"Couldn't sleep," she said simply, shrugging her shoulders and taking a long drink of her coffee to avoid expanding, placing it on the seat under her legs once she had finished.

Luke sighed sympathetically, placing his hand on her calf, rubbing the soft skin soothingly. "How are you holding up?" he questioned, his voice quiet, almost as if he was afraid to ask.

She noticeably stiffened at this, turning her head to look out the window. After a few moments, she looked back at him and he noticed the gloss that had formed over her eyes. "I'm doing okay," she said, her voice cracking slightly with emotion. She gave him a sad smile, her eyes welling up, before she returned her gaze to the window. Her vision was blurred due to the unshed tears that had settled on her eyes, causing Stars Hollow to merge into a soft white haze.

He scooted closer to her, placing a finger under her chin and guiding her face to meet his again. "It's okay not to be okay, you know?" he said tenderly, giving her a small reassuring smile.

She met his eyes and nodded as a single tear fell and rolled down her cheek. She took his hand in both of hers and placed a firm kiss to the back of it. She lowered his hand, still holding onto it tightly, resting it on her knee. "And how about you?" she asked, looking at him directly this time.

Luke held her gaze for a moment. Swallowing thickly, he dropped his head briefly, letting out an exhausted sigh. He gave her a sad smile, reaching out to tuck a loose curl behind her ear. "I'm okay. I'm sad, but I'm okay," he said strongly, clearing his throat.

Lorelai let out a shaky breath, placing her hand to his cheek and running a thumb across his bristly skin. "Same goes for you," she said quietly, her eyes sincere, "You don't have to be so strong all the time. It's okay not to be okay."

Luke shrugged dismissively, ducking his head almost bashful. "I can't believe it's been a year, it feels like yesterday," he uttered sadly, breaking the silence that had settled in the room, "I just thought, it would have gotten easier in that time … but it feels just as painful as it did a year ago." Luke sighed sadly, looking at Lorelai in the hope that she felt the same way.

Lorelai looked lost, entranced by his words. The tears collected in her eyes although her expression hadn't changed. She absentmindedly ran circles across the back of his hand with the pads of her thumbs. Then, she gave the smallest of nods, meeting his gaze, unable to form the words but conveying through her eyes how much she understood.

"It takes time, I guess."