Spoilers for all of Grandia!
This fic is more of a he says/she says thing. It switches between Mullen and Leen, showing their feeling for each other. And by the way, this fic was heavily influenced by Irwin Kwan's A Death For Salvation, a wonderful fic I suggest you all read. ^_______^ -Kuja no Miko
Only Heaven Knows Why
Leen
: I stand here, on the top of this pillar thinking of my life. What has happened in this hellish life of mine. I see nothing, no one. For I am no one. I can't be anybody, I was meant to die. Meant to die the death of deaths. From the moment I was born, I have been tortured by these wings. Wings of death. I was supposed to be the Angel of Liberation. But that right is reserved for my beloved sister. She deserves it, not I. She deserves to know that there is another way.That she doesn't have to die. That it isn't right for her to die. That it is wrong. That she can change the future for all. She is blessed, unlike myself.
I have to do this, I have to do this deed of deeds. This ultimate sacrifice. I must do it so that all can live.
Every being on this planet. I am doing this for them. I hope they know that whatever happens, if this works, if this fails, that I gave my life for them. I know it sounds selfish. That it sounds more selfish than anything. But please God, give me this liberty. Don't let my death be in vain. That will be too much wasted.
He would say, 'This isn't the way.'. 'We must go with the traditions.' He was always that way. He loved plans. His life was to follow them, to obey them. That was his way. And I love him for it. He wouldn't be the same without that accursed stubbornness about himself.
I love him so. He is my everything. For years on end, my life was to obey him. To fulfill his very whims. And I find that if he could, he would fulfill mine. That is the relationship we have. And I value it, dearly. He is everything. He is all.
I wouldn't be anything if it wasn't for him. I'd probably be some god-forsaken soldier. Or worse, just nobody. I don't think I could stand being just nobody. I couldn't live. Then again, it is human nature to want to love, and be loved, and to give and receive the attention of another.
Then again, I'm not human, am I? But he never hated me for that. If anything, it made him love me more. He has never said he loved me…but he didn't need to. I made sure of that. I stand here, ready to die. But, that is all right. It is all right because I know he loves me unconditionally. Me, and only me. And that is worth dying for, the love of Herr Mullen.
So I stand here, moments from my death. Moments from when I have to say goodbye to you forever, my love. But it doesn't disturb me. It doesn't shake me. I do not fear this moment in terms of our relationship, because I know someday we'll be together forever.
You and I will be one, my love. We will enjoy the afterlife, just the two of us.
But then again, we are already one. But you do not know that yet, love. You will never know. It will only cause you too much pain. I already know this will. But I shall be a part of your heart until the day you die. I swear that to you, my Mullen.
Goodbye, my darling…
Mullen:
Why? Why is she doing this? What has possessed her to wish to die like this? She doesn't understand. This wasn't the plan.My mother always told me how to save the world from Gaia. I always asked her, time and time again. And mother never failed to comply to my wishes. And I promised that when Gaia came, I would be ready.
I would be ready to follow the legend and sacrifice the Icarian's.
Then she walked into my life. Sweet, sweet Leen…she was but a child of 13 then. But she was a magnificent soldier, one my father had his eye on for quite awhile. I never knew why.
At first, I thought her but a child. Then again, she was. Yet, I wasn't much older. I didn't want an aide-de-camp at the time. I wanted to do it all on my own. I was also foolish. But then again, father made me that way, with his endless expectations. I just wanted him to be proud of me.
Yet he never was. But from the moment Leen walked in, she admired me. She didn't worship me or try and put her hands all over me like the soldiers I commanded did. No, my Leen admired me silently from a distance. From that moment, I had a respect for her that would outlast anythingm even death.
Even death…
She will be dead soon. Justin will not be able to talk her out of it. No one can talk Leen out of anything. Except for myself. An ability I have come to regret. I think she felt like I ruled her life. Yet she still loved me unquestionably. I knew it the whole time. But I feel as if I used her. Used her like a wet rag then threw her in the laundry to use again later.
And now she's gone. I'll never wake up early again to be able to walk the few steps to her room (quite close to mine) and walk right in without knocking to see her sleeping soundly in her bed. To be able to watch her chest rise up and down softly, the hair in her face being blown away by her steady breaths. No, I do not have that liberty anymore.
And it hurts. It hurts to know that I never told her how much I loved her. Hell, I never told her I loved her at all. I think she knew. I know she knew. But I also know that she would have died to hear me speak those words to her. Those three little words.
Heh…would have died. She is dying. She will be dead soon. Dead to help us all. That's Leen. Beautiful, charming, loyal, honest, dependable Leen. I wish it didn't have to be this way.
But what will we do now? We need both Icarian's. or so the legend goes. We will have to do with just Feena. We shall have to go it alone. I hope she can do it. Or else we are all dead.
Oh fuck. How I can I be thinking of military tactics at a time like this? Leen is dying! She'll never be mine…I'll never be able to claim her as mine again. I've lost her forever. My Leen.
My love.
Leen:
I can see Gaia now. He's almost here. Not too long now. Not too long till I'm dead.Till I'm dead. That sounds so pathetic. I'm standing here, on a ledge, in front of J-Base ready to die. To die. Die is such a…unclean word.
It sounds dirty. Saying it makes me feel dirty. Makes me feel wretched. But then again, I am deserving of the title. I was never meant to live. Never meant to love. Only to die. That was my purpose in life.
Why does God give us so much happiness then take it away? Why does he toy with human lives?
Why does he toy with any life, for that matter? For his own amusement? For his own enjoyment? Is he that merciless? Maybe he is the pathetic one. Maybe we are all following a useless God. One who makes fools of us.
Then again, we are all fools. All stupid. All…all…meaningless.
I hear a voice in my reverie. A voice that was one of the last I wished to hear. I just wanted to be alone right now. Alone in my death, as I was in my birth.
"Leen! Leen! What are you doing?"
Justin is calling to me."Come back Leen! We can find another way! Another route! We make our own future!"
I say nothing. For I know the answer in my mind. Yes, there is another way. Yes, it can be done. Yes, it will be done. But it doesn't involve me. I am but a tool. A tool used to help buy them time.
Do not let this be in vain!
I am shocked once again out of my thoughts. He is here. Gaia. Gaia is here. Damn! Already!
My wings sprout from my back Ruby extensions of a tortured soul. A soul that loves, a soul that bleeds. Yes, the red must be from my bleeding soul.
He…no, it, has just ripped the pillar I was on out of it's place. The end is neigh. I brace myself.
Oh God. Oh unmerciful God. I can feel it. The pain. I thought it would be great, but not like this. Monster's inside the tentacle vy for a piece of my body. My blood flows freely. Maybe it will release my soul. Or maybe it will be trapped inside Gaia forever? It doesn't matter. All that matters is the pain.
I pray for release. But my prayers are ignored, as usual. I feel like screaming. But no sound comes out. My mind is shrieking for my love, my protector. 'Herr Mullen!'
Yet he will not answer. Ever.
My earthly body is torn apart relentlessly. My head slams against the sides of the tentacle. I have never felt this ever before. The fate of the Icarian's…our sad fate. Did they hurt this much?
I black out. Or maybe I died. The hell if I know. All I know is that it is a release from the pain. The pain…
Mullen:
Ye gods. That camera…that goddamn camera. What does it have to be focused on the pillar? Why must I have to watch her die? Is this the consequences of the fates? Watching my lover die?I choke back the tears. I must not crack. I must not crack in front of my men. I cannot. I will not. It isn't fair to them. To see their leader like this. It isn't fair to her, knowing that it hurts me this much.
Then again, she probably knows how I am feeling. She probably knows how I am feeling. She always knew. She's perceptive. Maybe I little too perceptive.
My dry, closed lips open slightly. I quickly lick them to regain some of the moisture. I manage to utter 'aishiteru' and 'goodbye' before it started.
The pain. Erupting through my body. I'm immediately on my knees. I'm a strong man, but I realize it, and this makes the pain all that worse.
I am feeling her pain. I can feel what she feels. As that…that…monster devours her. I can hear men's voices shouting my name, but I do not notice. It is just the agony. Not only of the physical pain bombarding my body, but the pain of knowing she is feeling this.
Spikes are protruding in my body. Then, I'm jarred loose by a monster picking at my torso, it's fangs ripping out a piece of skin. I fall, continue falling. Then it stops. But the pain is still there. I am on a ledge. But it, of course, must also break like my threshold of pain.
Leen…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wish I could multiply this accursed pain a thousand times over just to be sure that you are safe. That you are feeling good. And that this pain is not surrounding you.
I then hear howling. Leen?
Not, it is not her. It my own voice. My own shouts of pain. This is what I sound like? This is what my eternal pain sounds like? Damn…I never knew anything could hurt this much.
Yet, the main source of the pain is within my heart. Knowing that Leen is gone to me. Knowing that I'll never see her alive again. Never be able to see her smile, or laugh. I curl into a little ball. Somehow I sense the bottom of this creature is near. That it is the end of the line for Leen.
At least she shall be out of this god-forsaken misery. She will be in heaven, where she belongs. Her beautiful wings, the wings of an angel, my angel, adorning her back. She will be in a white dress. White would accent her hair. That blue mane I loved to stroke, and bury my face in, reveling in the scent of it. Yes, she will be free.
I take one last, deep breath. I think it will be Leen's last, seeing as I hear cackling. Cackling of creatures, ready to devour her lovely body. My Leen…my beautiful, loving Leen…
That was the last thought of mine, before I impacted with a hard, slimy floor, all parts of my body left feeling pain beyond all pain.
And then I blacked out, resigned to the darkness.
Leen:
I wander around this place. Place…that is not the word. Afterlife. I wander around the afterlife. It is nothing like the place that they describe. There is no heaven. There is no hell. There is only suffering. Souls that cannot find their way.Will I be this way? Will being away from Herr Mullen for long do this to me? Damned if I'll let it. The stench of death exists is this world as well. But it is worse than it is on the planet. In wars, it is the physical smell of death.
This, this, is the stench of pure and utter suffering. The souls of stagnating bodies wander aimlessly, with no purpose. Baal, that accursed jerk, would call them weak.
But I pity them. I pity how they lack strength, lack purpose. I have no idea what my life would be like without purpose. I've always had something to live for. It was either Feena or Mullen. My sister, or my lover.
Yet I feel something else. Something I haven't felt in a long time. Fear is what I feel. I haven't felt fear like this since I joined the army. Mullen was always there to protect me, hold me, encourage me.
I have no idea what I am so afraid of. The souls cannot hurt me. Or, I should say, the operative word is physically. Their pain, their suffering, is slowly seeping into whatever I have left of myself. I fear becoming them. I fear their fears.
I wish he were here. If I looked scared, he would step over to me and put his arms around me, chin resting on top of my head and say 'Leen, do not be afraid. There is nothing to be afraid of. You are my best soldier. You are powerful, you are intelligent. You can overcome any fear.'
I know what I fear now. I fear being alone. I was never alone. If I felt lonely, I could go to Feena, and just hug her. Hug her tightly and securely, and she wouldn't question her sisters' love. Or I could go to him. Encircle my arms around his back, rest my head on his shoulder as I stood on tiptoe. He always had a soft spot for me, and let me do whatever I wished outside of military matters. He trusted me fully, just as I trust him.
Just as I believe I'm tuning out the hopeless screams, a voice enters my head. Or my ears.
"Leen. Leen, come here."
It is more of a whisper. Yet, I feel inclined to listen to it, to obey it. I have always obeyed…
"Do not be afraid. I will not hurt you."
I followed this voice. It kept on telling me soothing words. I put my trust in it. This was so unlike me. But I wasn't myself anymore. I wasn't anyone. Just a nameless, faceless, dead soul.
Then why did the voice call me Leen?
"Leen. You want to know why you are here. I shall tell you."
Big thanks. Could have told me sooner.Realizing my faux pas, and how stupid and out of character it was to say that, I stammer an apology. Has death made me this hopeless? This pathetic?
"It is all right, Leen. But we have more important matters to discuss."
More important?
I follow the voice into a crystal room. There is no one in here. Where is the voice coming from?
A thought occurs to me. I ask the voice, my own 'voice' stuttering, 'Are you…God?' He could have been. God can see and hear all. Or that was what my parents taught me. Once I was in the army, religion was axed. But, Mullen understood my religiousness, and allowed me to pray. Ironically, I knew he did as well, but he didn't let me see. He didn't let anyone see.
"God? There is no God. They say God created the world. He did not. There is no eternal being. Unless you count Gaia. Even I am not eternal."
Then who are you? What are you? Why are you speaking to me? Questions flood my mind. Why now?
"I am the Spirit. All spirits come from me. All spirits were born from me. As long as there are spirits anywhere, I am here."
Why am I here? My head is buzzing. I don't feel right. What is this? I want to die.
I want to die? Too late, Leen…
"You love him very much, don't you? I know that."
You know about…Mullen? This being knows about Mullen. And how much I love him.
"You miss him. You feel alone without him. You feel as if you are nothing. We do not pity you. We do not feel for you. All we know is that you are suffering. And we know how we may help you."
Help me? I can't think anymore. I can't function anymore. And it's something else other than being dead. Something worse.
"Be his Angel. Be his Guardian Angel. Watch over him."
He doesn't already have one? Herr Mullen doesn't have a Guardian Angel?
"No they do not. They have to find one. He found you. You are his Angel. You are soulmates. You are both connected to the deepest point."
It takes me this long to realize how emotionless and mechanical this voice sounds. But, he does bring up a good point. Be Mullen's Angel…yes…then I will be with him always, if only in spirit.
I tell him yes, I will be my lovers' Angel.
Another voice then pipes up, a slight chuckling is heard.
"She is already his Angel. She has been since the first day they met."
The first voice retorts, "Perhaps, but let's make it offcial, eh?"
I was confused by that point, but even more so with the next event. The crystal floor, divided into 4 shapes, somewhat like a pie that my mother used to make for us, showed images.
Images of him. Different angles. He was sleeping contentedly in his bed, yet I could see tear streaks adorning his cheeks. If I had a heart, it would have been broken right then and there.
My Mullen was crying. Most likely over me.
The voices both chimed in at the same time.
"Protect him well."
And I would.
Mullen:
ahmmmmm…where am I? Why does my head hurt so damned much?I roll over, realizing that I'm in my bed, wrapped in it's warmth and comfort like always, my head having made a steady indentation in the pillow during the night. Yet, this doesn't explain why my head hurts so badly. But her smell comforts me, her smell from just days before on this very bed.
Oh god…Leen…she's gone. She's dead. And I'm here thinking about how much my bedsheets smell of her? How shallow can I be? How pathetic am I?
Heh…if I had said that in front of her, when we were alone, she would have stepped right up to me, slapped me in the face and told me how much of a bonehead I was for thinking that. That I was intelligent, and useful…and sexy. Yes, I remember that happening on more than a few occasions…
She was always so enthusiastic. Always so eager, yet obedient. Yes, that was Leen for you. The perfect soldier.
Hah! The perfect soldier. Leen wasn't a soldier. Oh, she acted the part so well. But I'll anyone that soldiers aren't supposed to feminine. And oh was she ever feminine! She was a tactician, not one for field work. She could do her job as well as any other. But she had a heart. And it pained her every time something unmerciful happened in the Garlyle. It broke her heart, piece by piece. But she, as an Icarian, naturally thought that way.
And it broke my heart to see her in such pain. That was why, when I could, I did everything in my power to ease her suffering, not only as a soldier and an Icarian, but as a woman. She may…or was…only 15 in age, but she was much older in mind, heart and soul. The body is but a vessel, it doesn't matter who controls it, as long as they control it well, and she did. I made sure of that.
*Flashback
*"Mullen? Are you in here?" Leen glanced around his empty quarters. Where was he? The navigator's on the Lysalot said he went to his room less than an hour ago. Then again, they might have been just surprised as hell to see their Lieutenant running around in her robe, pajama's and…bunny slippers.
"Leen?"
Mullen walked out of his bathroom, long blonde hair damp and wearing nothing but a towel around his waist.
And it was the most beautiful sight Leen had seen in her whole life. It wasn't often that you saw your superior strut out of his bathroom wearing close to nothing.
What actually was going on INSIDE the bathroom was what brought a slight, heated blush to Leen's cheeks.
He chuckled softly. "What exactly are you looking at, Leen?" It was a not-so-innocent question, as Mullen loved to tease Leen into submission.
"Coloniel Mullen-"
"Please Leen, just Mullen." A dazzling smile accentuated his already handsome features.
"…Mullen."
Mullen nodded, waiting for the rest of the sentence to be completed, savoring the way his name rolled off her tongue.
But she never finished.
She walked up to him slowly, glancing into his eyes. He had a curious look in his eye, his left eyebrow cocked up. He heard her take a deep breath, stopping in front of him, her eyes still focused on him intently. "Leen…?"
His thoughts were interrupted by a sweet kiss from an inexperienced 15 year old standing on her tiptoes in front him. Leen. Leen was kissing him. Nice, compassionate, loyal Leen.
And he was damned well going to take advantage of the situation.
He draped an arm around her waist while he kept his lips pressed tightly to hers. She pulled away reluctantly to steal a small breath. "Is this what I think it is?" A slow, thoughtful nod followed his question.
He smirked, catching her lips in his. The young girl's lips were prodded away from their pursed expression by a tongue waiting to gain entrance. She pulled them apart slowly, to be met with fierce strokes against her own. Mullen concluded his aide-de-camp tasted sweet, and innocent, just like her disposition.
Leen wrapped her arms around his neck, resting them in the river of golden softness known as his hair, twirling her fingers in it. She hesitantly matched his intrusion with her own, for she knew she'd never be the superior, but she wasn't going to be totally outclassed even with her inexperience.
He realized she was getting a little too much into her thoughts and not into what was going on. He vowed to make this the one experience she'd never forget, and swept her up into his arms and into the bed, his hips straddling hers. "You won't forget this ever, Leen…"
"Just shut up and carry on." She claimed his lips again in a fury, just wanting all of him she could get. She knew this was somewhat selfish, but she knew all about the lower officers and their lust for Mullen.
He chuckled softly at her eagerness, but not disputing her comment. He stroked her cheek softly. She was fully, undeniably his for the taking tonight. And forever, he'd make sure of that.
"But tell me Leen…why did you come here? I don't think you were looking for this." He reached for the tie to her robe, kissing her neck gently.
"I wasn't…General Baal had some papers for you to sign."
"Screw papers. I think I have something more important to do at the moment…" He smiled into her neck as he slid the tassel off her robe.
"…Screw?"
"Bad joke." She slid her arms out of the terrycloth robe, revealing…fuzzy teddy-bear pajama's.
"Teddy-bears?"
"Shut up!" And she made him do it literally.
He grinned against her lips, moving his skilled hands to her top. He made quick work of the popping buttons, one by one, somewhat encouraged by her straying hands exploring his muscled chest, grazing his nipples and eventually resting on the knot over the towel.
He slid the top over her shoulders, revealing silky smooth skin that he wouldn't be able to get enough of that night. He kissed his way down her shoulders and collarbone, resting on a breast to suckle a nipple for a few seconds. His tongue moved down to her navel, as his hands began to untie the drawstring from her pants.
After sliding her underwear and sweatpants off, he kissed her down softly, smiling inside. His Leen…just his. And he was going to have his love forever. Slowly he massaged her lower sex with his tongue enjoying the sweet taste of his new lover and greatest friend. He wanted to give her all the pleasure in the world, and it didn't matter whether or not it cost him anything, be it his pride or rank.
Gently rubbing her clit, he could feel her orgasm impending, her low moans wonderful music to his ears. He was giving her the joy he wanted to give her, for she had suffered so much.
She held her hands steadily in his hair, enjoying the fine stands of golden wove silk, not really caring that her most private self was spread out for only her superior to see. His ministrations were driving her mad, and she knew she would finish soon. She only hoped it would be good enough for her Captain.
Giving one last flick of the tongue, he could feel her inner nectar be released for him and him alone, and he savored the taste of her sweet self, the most luscious taste in his life. But he wanted something more from her, and she knew it.
Grinning at her mischievously yet comfortingly, he felt her legs clamp tightly around his waist and her hands reach out for his manhood. She wanted to guide him inside herself, and he felt somehow proud of this fact. Kissing the smooth plain of her stomach, he slowly entered her. His breath was still, but when he felt his tip brush her, his breath was let out in a quick rush.
He slowly found her barrier, and stroked her cheek with a finger. "Don't worry, Leen…" Quickly he pressed his lips to hers in a fierce, distracting kiss, and broke through her barrier with a wince of pain from Leen.
But what came next shocked him. A subtle green aura surrounded her, as her jaw dropped and she covered her face with her hands. "Oh god…Herr Mullen…I'm sorry…" Her voice came out in a whispered sob.
He smiled, reaching out to cautiously touch a delicate green wing. "Leen…"
Tears streaking her face, she managed to glance at him for a second. "Herr Mullen…oh gods…I didn't know…"
"They're beautiful, Leen." He leaned over to softly kiss the green wing his hand had been on but moments before. "They could only be yours."
"You aren't…angry?" Leen bit her lip worriedly.
"Of course not…I've never seen your wings before, sweet Leen. To have them sprout at a time like this, it's wonderful. I couldn't have wished for anything better." He stroked her tears away, kissing her on the forehead.
She smiled through the few tears she had left, and hugged him tightly. "Thank you, Herr Mullen!" But Mullen didn't hear the 'I love you' that was uttered from her lips as well…
*/Flashback*
Gods…why couldn't I tell her? Why couldn't I tell her how much I loved her? Why was I so ignorant? I lost her because of that! And now she's gone from my life forever!
All I have are memories to grab of her. But memories will never bring her back. Nothing can, not even my tears. Not even my cries to heaven. I feel like I'm helpless. Why couldn't I say it?
Why couldn't I just tell her 'I love you'? Why was it so hard?
The only person who ever loved me was my mother. Until she came. Leen, she was the only one who dared to love me. Why? Am I not loveable? Why couldn't I say it back?
I know I felt it. I felt that I loved her. But I'm just too much of a coward to say it.
Well, I'll say it now. I LOVE YOU LEEN! If she could only hear me, if she knew how sorry I was, how much I love her…
Leen: I'm watching him, from up here, watching him lie there, tears slowly trickling down that normally lively face…I don't know for certain what is going on in that complex mind of his, but I have a very certain idea. I've always known him well, always known him like a book.
I can tell what he's thinking, I can tell the pain he's feeling, for I feel it as well. For I feel the silent sobs that rack his soul, for I see the anguish in his emerald eyes. And it hurts me to the core. I love him so, yet I cannot comfort him, I can only cause him pain now.
He is thinking of those few times. Those few times we were ever together. I remember them vividly, how could I not?
After that first time, the initial embarrassment that insisted on tinting my cheeks red, he always demanded (albeit kindly) that I show my wings when we made love. I couldn't ever understand how he deemed them beautiful, but he did. He did, and I thank him dearly for it.
I remember twisting and writhing under him, every little movement of his driving me insane. I was truly in heaven, no matter how cliched it may sound. I wanted him near me forever, although I knew it could never be.
Thank the gods General Baal never found out…found out that his son, the highly esteemed Coloniel Mullen was fucking his aide-de-camp, the doomed Lieutenant Leen, and doing it rather enthusiastically.
I just wish I could have been with him longer, that I could have been in his arms longer. It hurts so much to know that we were together for so short a time. I know my bitterness isn't healthy, yet still…
I just wish he knew the lengths of my love for him, and that they reached past the ends of the universe, and not even God Almighty could fell my feelings for him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Yay. Part 1 done. Please, R+R if you want the rest, okay?
-Kuja no Miko, who has too many titles to list, and has a new e-mail,