Hey, guys! So, another zosan. Yes, I am a total fan of this pair. Rated T for swearing and some mild BL (well, duh.)
Disclaimer: I will one day form an army of crazed yaoi fangirls and take over the world. In the meanwhile, I do not own One Piece.
Constructive criticism is welcome. Flames are not. (And of course, feel free to praise)
Of pirates and fungi, or
Usopp's martyrdom
Once, there were three men walking in the forest. The three were starving, and looking for something to eat.
"Oi, shitcook! I'm hungry. Haven't you brought anything to eat?"
"Stupid marimo! You were the one supposed to carry our supplies!"
As yet another fight started, Usopp kept well out of the way and sighed. Why the hell did he have to be stuck exploring the new island with these two? It was way past midday, but the racket they managed to make between them scared away any possible prey for miles around. Asking them to stop arguing and concentrate would be as risky and pointless as jumping off a cliff, he knew.
Suddenly they came upon a mushroom in the middle of the path. Not any mushroom, either; it was big and juicy, green and strangely hairy.
"Oi, marimo. Tell your cousin to get out of the way."
Usopp waited until Sanji and Zoro calmed down again.
"Hey, guys. I think this might be eatable."
Sanji eyed the mushroom doubtfully.
"I dunno. I've never seen anything similar. This species might be hallucinogenic, or deadly."
"Who cares", grumbled Zoro. "It's a mushroom, it's eatable. You ladies can do what you want, I sure as hell won't get killed by some dumb fungus."
"Uhh…" Usopp wasn't sure what he should answer to that, so he decided to more or less ignore the swordsman's statement. "The question remains… should we try it?"
"The muscle head shouldn't", Sanji decided, "it would count as cannibalism."
Usopp edged away as the two pirates continued their fight where they had left off.
The three men eventually decided to split the mushroom evenly, and each took a piece.
"And as I said, you two can do whatever you want with your part."
The three were sitting in a tight circle, reminder that they were pirates. That they might be attacked any moment. And that by sitting this way, at least they'd have each other's backs.
"Man, about time…" Usopp stared hungrily at his neatly sliced third of mushroom. He raised it to his watering mouth, opened his jaws like a boa, stretched his tongue out…
A thought flashed through his head. What if it was toxic? He had no proof, of course, but… what if?
The first man was unsure whether to eat his portion or not. He stared at it, fretting about whether it would be poisonous or not. He took so much time deciding that, eventually, he died of hunger.
"Hey, Usopp…"
Sanji and Zoro had been watching their nakama's intense mental debate for a long while now with some amusement. The marksman's lips had been moving soundlessly, eyebrows knit, the untouched mushroom portion between his hands.
But as he saw him suddenly fall sideways, drool dripping down the corner of his lips, a small ghost leaving his mouth, Sanji felt a flutter of worry. Zoro carelessly leaned in and took Usopp's pulse.
"He's okay", Zoro snorted, "The idiot just fainted from hunger."
Oh well. He looked peaceful enough, so they decided to wait until he came round.
The second man didn't think for a second, and hastily took a huge bite.
"Baka!" Sanji yelled. "You idiot marimo, what if it was poisonous?"
"Aww, you worried about me?" The swordsman shrugged. "I already told you, some stupid fungus ain't going to do me away, ero-cook."
He didn't feel any strange symptoms in the following 30 seconds, and therefore decided the mushroom must be safe to eat. Not thinking that it might have a slow-acting poison, he gulped up the rest greedily, declaring it was delicious. Suddenly he keeled over and started foaming at the mouth. His limbs flailed, his face went purple, incoherent noises came from his throat. Finally his eyes rolled back into his head and he fell limp. Dead.
Zoro burped.
Sanji frowned, feeling as if something in the story was going terribly wrong. Like karma, or destiny or something wasn't working right. He felt like the stupid muscle head should be dying at Sanji's feet for not listening to the cook.
Said musclehead sneered at him.
"Still too scared to try the mystery mushie, love cook?"
"Like hell I'd be afraid, you asshole marimo!"
Seeing what had happened to his companions, the third man came to a decision. He didn't think over it as much as his first companion, nor as little as his second one. Thus he came to the conclusion that, since they had found no other food around, he had better eat the mushroom. However, he ate it in small, spaced-out bites, and only took the bare minimum to survive.
Oh, well. All his hesitation just had been thrown overboard by the baka swordsman. Sanji shoved his whole portion into his mouth. Hmm. The marimo was right, it was good. A strong flavour, spicy, not unlike white pepper, softened by a sweet touch - custard, he thought. It was a great taste. It just wasn't mushroom taste.
This had the cook thinking fast, even as he chewed on the fungus. He had never heard of anything like this new ingredient before. Suddenly, the utter stupidity of the moment struck him. Here he was, a professional, seasoned chef, breaking cook rule number one: never, ever try a new ingredient without testing it before. It was okay to use the marimo as a lab rat, but Sanji couldn't die! How would his lovely ladies go on without him? He started to sensibly spit it all back out. Then he saw that idiot smirking at him.
Insolently.
Still not dead.
With a gulping sound, the cook swallowed hard, cursing the stupid musclebrained asshole who had goaded him into doing this.
Finally, he lived.
The world blurred. Sounds slurred together. Eyelids dropped, shoulders relaxed fingers uncurledheadlolled…
Zoro watched the ero-cook sigh and fall sideways. Right onto Zoro's lap. The swordsman was worried for a moment. He took the other man's pulse, checked his breathing, and opened his eyes to see the pupils. Nothing immediately wrong, apart from the fact that the cook didn't wake up even when Zoro yelled a few choice phrases into his ear ("Oi, aho. Ero-cook. Dartbrow. Look! Nami topless! A horde of beautiful starving models!") He let it go; the fungus probably had powerful sedating properties that only worked on perverts.
"Che, and then they call me sleeping beauty"
The man below him was certainly a beauty (and most definitely sleeping). The bangs that normally covered his features had fallen back. His usually expressive face had been replaced by a blissful visage. Zoro wasn't by nature a descriptive person, so he settled for thinking of the ero-cook as hot.
That mushroom had been pretty filling, but Zoro suddenly felt hungry again. He bit his lip fiercely, and considered pushing the dartbrow off of himself, for the sake of both.
Abruptly, the guy giggled. It was a strange sound. Zoro's hand shot away from that asshole's head. A moment later he sighed in relief. The love cook was doubtless still asleep, because he had started to make odd faces and clap. Zoro just watched, his curiosity and bemusement increasing by the moment.
Suddenly, the aho's eyes shot open. His pupils were two huge black buttons. His gaze was unfocused. He didn't seem fazed at all by the fact that he was lying across his rival's lap. He smiled contentedly and said:
"Mornin', smexy marimo. You gotta stop chasing unicorns, they can' sing worth shit." The idiot wore a contented, glazed expression as he added: "You gotta niiice six pack. Sanji says he sees your sexy bodeh from the Baratie", he stopped to laugh hysterically, then went on, "and he can't cook while he's hard."
Zoro's jaw was hanging wide open.
All he could do was stare as the cook pounded weakly against his chest in a renewed fit of giggles.
All he could do was stare as the cook pushed himself up and his lips whacked against Zoro's. His chest still shaking with laughter, Sanji threw his arms haphazardly against the swordsman's neck. He twisted to get a better angle and pushed himself onto Zoro's lap, his lips rubbing against the swordsman's.
Zoro wondered if he was having hallucinations too. That dartbrow was slobbering all over the swordsman. His hands were wandering over places they shouldn't be wandering. His weight was cutting the blood supply to Zoro's legs. And Zoro was fucking loving it. He responded avidly, feeling slightly guilty about not feeling at all guilty about taking advantage of the drugged cook.
Yeah, he probably was hallucinating.
His notion of time was completely gone. He had no idea for how long they stayed in that position, tangled and sweaty.
Suddenly, Sanji separated. They both stayed still, panting, for a moment. With a start, Zoro realized-
"Oi, dartbrow. Your pupils. They're- you're not high anymore?"
Sanji gave him a smug smile.
"Not for a while now, marimo. At least," he leaned in, "not high on the mushroom." High on you, shitty swordsman.
Once again, Zoro stared. He felt this was a laugh-or-cry situation, but he'd never been one for doing either.
Sanji sighed. He felt great- although he would never admit it to anyone, much less himself. He felt there should be a lesson to all this, but had no idea what that could be.
The key to a good decision is timing.
Lying with his eyes firmly closed, Usopp barely dared let out a sigh of relief. Thank God they'd stopped. Another second of hearing those... sounds and he might just have run off screaming into the forest. He had been very conscious and very uncomfortable for the last half hour. He would eventually have to stop pretending to be out, he knew, and he wouldn't know where to look on the way back to the ship.
Wait until he told the others, though.