Loss and Hope

By Montez

A/N: I'm gonna try again, I have made a some modifications to my story and thanks to Aggie2011 I believe a true plot bunny may have landed in my head. I have wanted to write an Avenger's story, or should I say a Hawkeye story for ages, but just couldn't figure out what I wanted to do.

Anyway this is my first venture into the Avenger/Hawkeye universe. I am sad to say I hadn't seen the Agents of Shield episode that explains just how Phil was brought back, so I kinda came up with something. And I know as people read my characters are gonna be OC, but I am an emotional writer and need to let those emotions bleed through, we have to remember these people are still human under all the badassness and that's what I love to play with. So constructive criticism is welcome, this story is going through a rewrite and it may take me a bit longer to post, but I will stay with it (hopefully). This is a family style fic, Phil/Clint as more Father/Son. I hope you enjoy-Montez

Disclaimer: Marvel is awesome, but is not mine. We all know what is theirs and what's not and so here we go.

Chapter 1

"How long has he been there?" Fury's voice was unnaturally quiet after the indescribable day they'd had.

"Three hours…He kept asking and…" Natasha started softly, her mind too trying to process what had happened in the last seventy-two hours, but more importantly the last twelve.

"So no one has officially told him anything?" The dark-skinned man looked at one of his three…no…two best Agents, seeing fissures in her normally unreadable façade.

"He was already feeling guilty for what happened and when he attempted to call him…" Natasha knew Clint would be wanting to contact his handler, his friend once hostilities all but ended, he had been off the grid…lost in the haze that Loki had poured into his mind and soul…he wanted to let Phil know he was okay, or as okay as one could be after being controlled by a demi-God, being forced to do things against your own friends, your family, being knocked unconscious, waking to join the fight against said demi-God, being blown off the roof of a building, then crashing through an office window and landing on a reinforced quiver for the second time in as many hours.

However it had been the look in Natasha's eyes when she stopped him from reaching for phone inside Stark Tower…His world had stopped moving because of that look, he turned and walked calmly away. That is what scared her the most, the unnatural, unClint-like calmness, an hour later Starks ever-present AI's voice sounded through the main floor the Avengers had met on once all medical needs were seen to, mostly Starks brush with death, telling them, her specifically, that Agent Barton had entered the ventilation system and was making his way toward the roof.

Natasha remembered taking off at a run, memories of Clint and later Phil telling her about the time in New Orleans, when a random act of violence had nearly killed the older man and the stories of Barton's emotional and mental decent during that time…Now with Phil gone…Clint alone on a roof, especially one as tall as Stark Tower was not a good place for him to be. Guilt caused a self-destructive streak in Barton and this; this was something she did not even want to think about.

When she had cleared the roof door and saw the silhouette of the archer, quiver on his back, bow held loosely in his right hand, she nearly froze, his posture was wrong, he held himself as if he was in physical pain, which she was sure he was after what she'd witnessed and he'd told her before he started talking about Phil, but what she saw was something only those close to Clint would have saw, the soul-crushing guilt of his handlers, his brothers…his father-figures death.

Natasha stopped the others from advancing as she, herself, moved forward slowly, "Clint?"

His only acknowledgment was a slight shake of his head and a tensing of his shoulders, he didn't speak, didn't look back, his eye's seeing only what he wanted and for once Natasha wasn't sure what that was, memories of Phil and him or what he could only image was his mentors death. She didn't move from her spot, ten yards away. Romanoff vaguely heard Stark demanding a line to Fury as he motioned for the others to go back inside, a rare display of compassion and concern on the Billionaires part.

That was how the scene on the Tower roof came to be as it was now, Natasha still standing sentry and Fury next to her. The older man glanced at her, then back to Clint, he knew concern from him may not set well with the younger man, especially now, so he did as he'd always done, "What the hell do you think you're doing on the edge of the roof?"

Clint had known Fury had arrived, he was always acutely aware of what was going on around him, at least when his mind was really in control, but right now he wasn't sure if he was really in control, "Consider this my resignation Sir." The director had never heard his agent's voice sound so distant, so lost, so hollow.

"Not an option Agent, I need all hands on deck to get this cluster-fuck of a day under control." Fury took a few steps forward, his voice softening a little, but only those who knew him would be able to tell, "Nothing that happened today was your fault."

A frightening chuckle escaped the man before him, like a dead man resigned to his fate, "Sir, the way I see it…if it weren't for me none of this would have happened." Clint never turned; he kept facing the darkness of the night sky.

"Do you honestly think Loki couldn't have done this without you? Do you honestly think he couldn't have fucked up someone else's mind to do exactly what he wanted them to do? Hell he could have done the same thing to me…then where would we be?" Nick moved ever closer, he needed to get this kid off the damn edge of the roof. He knew how self-destructive the younger man could be and they had lost so much already, he wasn't about to lose someone else.

"But it wasn't you…" Barton's voice was dripping with venom, he actually turned to glare at his boss, "It was me…it was my arrows that took out the engine, it way my arrows that took out most of the bridge…and because of what I knew that son of a bitch was able to do all this…" Clint's arm swung over the city, emergency lights could still be seen in the distance. Barton's shoulders dropped again, his gaze going to his feet as they stood on the six inch ledge between the roof and nothing.

"Sir…" the younger man's voice going almost deathly quiet, "just tell me…I didn't…" the choke in his voice was unmistakable, the fear, "That it wasn't my arrow that…"

"No Barton, it was Loki, now get your ass off that ledge or I am going to drag you off." Fury made a move to take another step but stopped when, in one fluid movement, Clint notched an arrow and leveled it at him. Natasha's hand instinctively went for her weapon, but never drew; Nick just leveled his gaze…"Barton!"

"I'm sorry Sir…" His gaze going to Natasha for a fraction of a second, his voice whispering, "Tasha" before he turned, firing the arrow into the darkness and dropping from the ledge.

"CLINT!" Natasha screamed as she ran to the edge, Fury uncharacteristically frozen for a moment.

Natasha's scream brought the rest of the Avengers through the roof door, they had all remained just inside in case they were needed, if for nothing else than moral support for their two members on the roof.

"Stark!" Fury yelled over his shoulder.

"On it…Jarvis scan the perimeter of the building, I need to know where he went." Tony silently prayed the young man who had an aim like no one he'd ever seen, had not just ended up as another casualty at the base of his building.

"Sir, it appears Agent Barton crashed through a window of the adjacent office building." The automated voice responded.

Stark held his arms out, "J" and within seconds his armor was zeroing in on the wrist bands he'd put on earlier when confronting Loki, as the face plate attached Tony was shooting off the roof toward the nearest building.

"Stark?" Fury's voice was off, not the usual authoritative tone.

Hovering outside the broken window Tony maneuvered himself through the opening, "Found his entry point…Jarvis give me thermal, where the hell did he go?"

"Sir, the suit was barely flight ready, most systems are still off-line, I am unable to do a thermal scan at this time." Jarvis's voice filled the headpiece.

Tony looked around, surely the man hadn't gotten that far, he knew he had to be injured, he could tell by the way the younger man carried himself, something was either busted or badly bruised and having crashed through another office window, he was surprised the man could move at all, but he was no where in sight. "I don't see him, could use a little help over here, all my sensors are down, I haven't made repairs yet, so I can't scan for him."

"We'll be there in a couple minutes, keep searching." Steve's voice played through the earpiece in Starks ear as he started walking the floor, searching.

Another damn roll on his quiver nearly stole what breath Clint could drawn in, but he knew he had to move, he knew Stark and all his 'toys' and he needed to get away, to think, to feel or not feel. So pushing the pain aside he got to his feet and stumbled the first few steps before he hit the doorway to the stairs, he knew he only had minutes before the other's would figure out where he went. Going down two flights Barton gained entry to the floor and quickly made his way into the ventilation system and found it all interconnected, as most buildings do and he began the process of working his way down as he knew the other's would go up.

Finally making it to the ground floor he kicked out the vent cover, slipping less than gracefully to the ground. He looked around, then down at himself, he was beat to hell, he hadn't ate or slept in God knew how long and his soul was empty, crushed under the weight of Phil's death. He slowly removed his quiver, placing it on the welcoming counter of the building, his prized collapsible bow beside it and without looking back Clint Barton, orphan, former carnie, former high-end thief, former SHIELD agent disappeared into the night.

A/N: I have some ideas for a backstory and will place mentions throughout-hopefully I work a backstory into reality, but we'll see what happens.