To Boldly Go Where No Blackadder Has Gone Before
British Army trench France 1917, the morning of the big push.
The week long artillery barrage was over, the guns had fallen silent as the men lined up in the trench, Captain Edmund Blackadder the career soldier and hero of Umberto Gorge, drew his service revolver, looking along the line at the soon to be victims of this insanity called, "The Great War". He said futily, "Good luck everyone". blew the whistle that was the signal to climb the ladders and go,"over the top". The enemy artillery and machineguns opened up as men were blown up, or cut to pieces in the hail of molten lead that was directed at them. Blackadder with Baldrick to his left and Lieutenant George and Captain Darling to his right, were engulfed in a blinding flash and then sudden silence.
As the four comrades eyes began to focus on their strange surroundings, it was Baldrick who broke the silence.
"Captain B. are we dead, is this Heaven?"
Blackadder rolled his eyes, shook his head, knowing he was going to have to answer the inane halfwits question.
"No Baldrick, I think I can give at least two reasons we are definitely not dead".
George with his usual razor slow intellect piped up.
"Permission to speak sir".
"Permission granted George".
"Well Cap Balders may be onto something, I mean we're here, and we haven't been blown to bits, have we?"
"And your point is George"?
"Well gosh Captain you've put me on the spot there".
"No George you've put yourself on the spot agreeing with the swamp monster AKA Baldrick".
"What's an AKA Captain"?
"It means, also known as, Bloody Hell George what did they teach you at Cambridge? Don't answer that Lieutenant".
Captain Darling chirped in, "Hang on Blackadder, perhaps we are in heaven?"
"Don't you start Darling, we are not dead, and this isn't Heaven, we are, well I don't know where we are but it sure beats the hell out of where we were a moment ago"!
Baldrick sensing he had been right about his heaven hypothesis decided to pursue his argument with yet another question that was designed to irk his superior.
"Captain B. can I ask a question?"
"That makes three questions Baldrick, if you count, the are we dead, and is this heaven, as being valid questions and not the inane ramblings of a brain dead orangutan, please ask away if it is a really good question I'll give you a banana"!
"Thank you very much sir I like bananas, my question is, if in the first place, we were on the battlefield and then we were here, and we weren't on the battlefield in the second place, when we were here, how did we arrive here? I think we must be in heaven".
Blackadders expression was one of complete disbelief, he could feel his will to live draining away.
"Ok Baldrick I can prove we are not in heaven, firstly animals are not allowed in heaven, you are here ergo this can't be heaven. Secondly and this is very important, if we were in heaven we wouldn't feel pain, now would we Baldrick?"
Pondering for a second before nodding his head in agreement.
"Now we have established that come here Baldrick".
The poor fool came closer to his Captain, who thumped him on the nose, for being so trusting.
"That wasn't nice that really hurt Captain B.".
Smugly Blackadder said, "I rest my case".
The transporter chief had been listening to these four strangers, he couldn't understand what had gone wrong and why these four very strange characters had shown up he was expecting the delegation of the Boral confederation to have beamed up, his confusion must have prevented him from challenging who they were.
At this point the sliding doors opened with the whoosh sound they always made, in walked the Captain, now the transporter chief was wondering how he could explain the apparent transporter malfunction.
Smiling the Captain approached the four comrades and announced, "I am Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise, welcome aboard"! Looking at Blackadder, Kirk enquired, "Which one of you gentlemen is the High Consul?"
"I am Captain Edmund Blackadder of His Majesty's British Expeditionary Force, this is Captain Darling, Lieutenant George pompous twit, and this is my batman Baldrick, I must say you American's do have far cleaner quarters than we in the British Army have".
With a puzzled look Kirk questioned the group further, "So you are not from the Boral Confederation"?
"No the closest we have been to the Boral Confederation is the Wintergardens in Newport Pagnal". Blackadder couldn't help being sarcastic. He was alive and the threat of imminent death from sniper fire, machinegun or bomb blast no longer likely he determined to enjoy himself.