A/N: …I blame the tea.

Notes to First Years from Harry, Ron and Hermione

1. Never trust the quiet ones-especially if they wear a purple turban and have a thing about touching people.

2. Suck up to the creepy Potions master. He might just save your butt one day.

3. Exploding birds are actually pretty cool-and not just to pyros.

4. Don't make fun of the nerd. She knows things that might just help save your butt someday.

5. DNA test all pieces of hair before putting them into a polyjuice potion. For obvious reasons.

6. Don't trust floating cupcakes. For obvious reasons.

7. Sometimes a ghost having a crush on you is a good thing.

8. Don't follow the spiders. Seriously, don't.

9. It a diary starts commenting on your entries, throw it away immediately.

10. If said diary offers to show you something, politely decline and throw it into the fire-immediately.

11. Blowing up your evil aunt is entirely acceptable.

12. If you see Lucius or Draco Malfoy, sing "Don't trust a ho! Never trust a ho!" at the top of your lungs.

13. If you see Lupin, scream "It's never Lupus!" and pretend to hit him with an imaginary cane.

14. If you see a beetle, trap it in a soundproof jar and throw it in the lake with the squid before saying something incredibly important and life-changing.

15. Dementors are not cute and cuddly under any circumstances.

16. If you see Sirius Black, grab his arm and yell, "Nooo, doggie! Don't go into the light!"

17. If you must drive a flying car, don't let your best mate drive. Especially if he is a Weasley.

18. If you see a centaur, do not, under any circumstances, say "Ooh, pretty pony!"

19. If Hagrid asks you to do something, politely decline and run far, far away.

And finally…

20. If you see your best mate concentrating really hard on a spell, do not, under any circumstances, crack a Force (Star Wars) joke.

A/N: …Ummm yeah. Sorry. I had to do it. Sorry if any of them are overused…oh yeah, a big virtual cookie to anybody who caught the House, M.D. reference =). And if anybody has one they would like to see in this list, send me a message and I'll be happy to put it in =)