Title: beautiful
Author: mountainmoon
Summary: Kise had always wanted to be pretty.
Tags/Warnings: Kise Ryouta/Kagami Taiga, self harm, depression, slight bullying, anxiety, romance, love, suicidal thoughts, angst, hurt/comfort, happy ending, NO major deaths, past child and domestic abuse (will be mentioned in flashbacks a bit).
Disclaimer: I own only my story and plot. I do not own the image used for this story.
written on 1/12/16
word count: 862
Kise didn't know when he realized he wanted to be pretty, like a female. Maybe it was from living with three older sisters and a mother who were quite feminine themselves. Maybe it was because he abhorred anything that resembled his father, such as drugs, tattoos, bulging muscles, masculinity, angry voices, shouting, hitting someone when you're drunk, the sound of the police and ambulance sirens coming to save him and take that man away-
Or hell, maybe he just liked the thought of being pretty.
First off, Kise knew he was a male. He identified as a male, with a penis and no breasts. It didn't bother him to have 'un-womanly attributes'. (He himself thought that if you had a penis but identified as a girl, it meant you were a girl, and vice-versa). However, what bothered him was the fact that people looked at him in contempt and disgust, because he wore a flower crown and pink, lilac, light yellow, whatever color that was traced to being feminine, clothes. He'd seen some of the looks his sisters and mother received when he ran to the girls section in stores, wanting that cute lilac colored shirt with a smiley face on it. Or those cute, pink lace socks that looked so adorable on his feet and ankles. He'd seen the snarl that a particularly strict and old-fashioned looking man gave his mother when she bought him that smiley face shirt. Kise had bare witness to a mother whispering to her own children that 'that young man is an abomination and I will not tolerate any of you turning out like him'.
Kise hated the way everyone looked down on him, simply because he was wearing feminine clothing. He was five when his father was arrested, and seven when he began to enjoy life to the fullest (as much as he could, considering how badly he was treated by that awful man).
He was ten when his sister suggested he start modeling (he immediately said yes. He wanted to be pretty and beautiful and have people see his beauty and acknowledge it, acknowledge him, because if they did, maybe he wouldn't feel so disgusted with himself when he dressed like a girl would. To Kise, it was a no-brainer), eleven when he hit it big, twelve when he became pretty well known around his prefecture and the others surrounding it, thirteen when he began to have to carry a sharpie around in his back pocket, and fourteen when he was chased around by paparazzi the first time.
He was also twelve when he realized he can't wear what he wants outside of the house anymore. He had to play the part of a becoming masculine male. It was hard to accept, considering he'd never been on this tight of a leash before in his life (besides when his dad still lived with them, but he couldn't really call that a life since it was more like a hell on Earth), but he'd come to realize with a sense of calm that it was to be expected. After all, nobody wanted change, nobody wanted to be the outsider, and they'd be damned if the one they worshiped was the outsider himself.
So he stopped being himself. It worked for two years, until he discovered basketball, and found friends who he knew would accept him.
But it's hard to receive acceptance when you and your friends are tearing at the seams and becoming over-confident. It's almost impossible to receive acceptance when your teammates won't listen to what you have to say, and in turn, aren't able to accept what they don't know. And it's absolutely impossible to tell them that, 'hey, I dress like a girl sometimes but I'm a male and I love cute and pretty things' when they ignore you and make fun of you everyday.
(But then again, how did he know they'd accept him anyways? When he thinks about it, Kise realizes that maybe his relationship with his teammates wasn't as chummy as he thought. He chalked it up to them all being somewhat tsundere, especially Midorimacchi, but who even knows? Kise is sure that Momoicchi at least liked him as a friend, but not Midorimacchi or Murasakibaracchi, and certainly not Akashicchi or Aominecchi. Kurokocchi saw him as an annoying pest, which said cyan-haired male has told him countless times. But he'd hoped, wished, and longed desperately for them to like him, because he wanted friends so so so badly, something he's never had before, considering his dressing style, his shyness in his earlier years, and people being his "friend" for the fame and money.
He wanted people to call on the phone and text during the night when he had nightmares, he wanted friends to have sleepovers with while they giggled over cute celebrities. He longed for someone to tell him it's okay to be who he is, and that whatever the dumbasses from elementary school told him, it wasn't true. Before bed, he'd imagine what it'd be like to live like that, carefree and normal and-
He always stopped himself from dreaming too much, because dreams don't come true).
a/n- hi sorry its short i can't write anything very long lol tell me if you like it? give constructive criticism and tell me what you liked in the reviews please? also follow and favorite because it'll motivate me to write faster. i'll try to update at the very least, twice a month, but no guarantees b/c school fucking sucks. ps it might sound like a pretty shit story but i promise i'll try to get better at writing.