Disclaimer: JKR owns everything that sounds familiar.
A/N: Saw this hc on tumblr about Lily being bisexual so I ran with it. Please leave a review and tell me how you liked it.
Lily was certain she liked boys and girls by her third year at Hogwarts. She had suspected something was different about her before, but little 11-year-old Lily had never heard the word bisexual. She wasn't aware that it wasn't normal to like both sexes. In fact, when she had mentioned to Severus that she couldn't decide who was better looking, Marlene McKinnon or Amos Diggory, he had told her to keep that kind of talk under wraps, to keep it their little secret.
In hindsight, Lily wished that her 13-year-old self had listened to Sev. Maybe then her mother and sister would still love her. Maybe then she would have a home to return to every holiday instead of living off of Marlene's parents' hospitality. Coming out had certainly not gone according to Lily's plans. Who could have guessed that her sister was so hateful or her mom so homophobic?
Lily hadn't seen so much spite on Petunia's face since winter holiday first year, the first time she'd been back home since starting Hogwarts. Then, Petunia had painfully ignored Lily making her feel small and unwanted. This time, Petunia had spit in Lily's face. "You're saying that my freak of a sister is a fag now too," Petunia screeched, her face turning redder than Lily's own. "God, I thought you were damned when we found out you were a witch. Have fun burning in hell." Petunia's face broke into a wicked smile sharp as broken glass and rusted nails. "Not even your freak school is gonna want you now," Petunia hissed, voice maliciously gleeful. Lily felt so ashamed, so microscopic, so unwanted that all she could do was cry, cry until she could disappear, vanish from the face of the Earth.
"But Tuney, I'm your sister," Lily whimpered, trying in vain to get control of herself. Petunia's face contorted into the ugliest expression Lily had ever seen.
"Don't call me that," she spat, venom flooding her voice. "I have no sister, not anymore."
Her mother's reaction was worse. It started with denial. "You're lying to me Lily. You're not gay. You're not one of them. You're a little girl. You're just confused. Hasn't our family been through enough?" Over and over again her mother repeated this, until Lily gave up on trying to get a word in.
The next step was anger. "I will not let you ruin your life like this, Lily," Her mom screamed, fuming. "You are not gay. I am not going to let you be gay," she exclaimed, her voice going up an octave. "It's all that damn school's fault! What are they teaching you up there," Her mom asked, incredulously, not waiting for an answer. "You aren't going back there. It's final. I'm taking you to Church, come on," she said, viciously grabbing Lily's wrist, pulling her to the door. Lily struggled to wrench her wrist free from her mother's vice-like grip, planting her heels into the plush living room carpet.
"It's not – It isn't- Hogwarts had nothing to do with it," Lily stammered. "Mom, it's me. I'm the same Lily I've always been. I'm just telling the truth," Lily cried. "This isn't anyone's fault. There isn't anything wrong with liking boys and-" Lily stopped, sputtering, clutching her heated cheek where her mother had just struck her. The endless stream of tears still poured from Lily's eyes, but that only seemed to make June Evans colder.
"You have exactly one hour to pack your things and find a place to stay. After that, I want you out of this house," June said, her voice flat and leaden. "You are no longer welcome here. I never want to see your face again. Do you understand me," she asked, her hardened, chilly, blue eyes staring at a point several inches above Lily's head. She didn't wait for an answer. Lily watched, heart breaking, as her mother walked calmly out of the room.
After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably only five minutes, Lily steeled herself, wiping away her tears, and picked herself off of the floor where she had fallen at some point. She slumped up the stairs to her room, leaning on the wall for support and surveyed the place she had spent her entire childhood. She wondered what would become of it after she had left, if her mother would turn it into the craft room she had wanted since her father died. Lily wondered what her father would think of her if he were still alive. She didn't let herself dwell on that thought long. She had a lot of packing to do, but first she had to find a place to stay. Lily wrote a short letter to Marlene, asking if she could stay with her and promising an explanation later and gave it to Selene, her barn owl. That done, she began to pack her things. Lily briefly thanked Merlin that she had splurged and bought the trunk with the extension and weightlessness charms.
Lily had taken the Knight Bus to Marlene's house before, but this time the trip felt longer than usual. There had been no one to see her off when she left her childhood home and as Lily marched to the playground down the street, her tears had begun again. Lily spent her wait for the bus silently wishing that she had listened to Sev. When had he ever led her astray? He always had her best interests in mind. Lily replayed her mother and sister's reactions the whole bus ride, silent tears pouring down her face, fearing Marlene's reaction.
Lily shouldn't have worried about Marlene. "Well duh," Marlene replied when Lily told her. "Lily you're not exactly subtle when you have a crush. You spent like ten minutes one day talking about how pretty Emma Simmons is. It wasn't that hard to put the pieces together." Instead of laughing like Marlene had expected Lily to do, she burst into tears for what seemed like the thousandth time that day.
"You mean, you don't hate me," Lily asked, cringing at how pathetic her voice sounded.
"Hate you? Lils, of course not," Marlene said, voice as comforting as a warm cup of tea. "Lily you are my best friend. This isn't a big deal. It's not the end of the world." Lily smiled through her tears, hugging her friend tightly. "Why are you here Lily," Marlene asked voice soft. "What happened at your house?"
Marlene stayed silent through Lily's retelling, but every once in a while Lily heard a sharp intake of breath and would look up to find Marls' eyebrows in her hairline and her face a shade darker than before. By the time Lily was finished with the story, Marlene's expression was murderous. "Well," Marlene said, struggling to find words. "You know what? No. Fuck them." Lily looked up, surprised at Marlene's choice of words. "Don't look at me like that Lily. Fuck them. They don't deserve you. You are the best person I have ever known and if they can't see that then fuck them." In any other situation, it would have been funny to see little Marlene McKinnon sitting in her living room using such dirty words, but one look at her face told anyone that she was dead serious.
"Fuck them," Lily whispered experimentally glad Marlene's parents weren't home yet. It didn't sound right to her ears. She didn't want to curse her family; she just wanted them to love her again. Her face crumpled and she buried it in her hands trying to sink into the couch and disappear. Marlene reached over to Lily's side of the couch pulling her into a tight hug and Lily thought that maybe one day it would sound right to her. Maybe one day, Lily thought, as her tears soaked Marlene's shoulder and her breathing slowed, the rejection wouldn't hurt so badly.
Fifth year Lily was in love and love sucked. Penelope Love was Lily's first real girlfriend and their relationship had started off perfectly. Penelope was the Hufflepuff keeper and she was beautiful. Her dark brown hair and stormy blue eyes had taken Lily's breath away the first time she had seen her after the summer hols. Lily was enraptured by everything she did. She took note of the way Penelope took her tea (cream, no sugar), her favorite food (shepherd's Pie), who she was friends with (Everyone Apparently; did she really need to stand that closely to Dorcas Meadowes?), what she did in her free time (She drew the most beautiful landscapes.), what classes they shared (charms and astronomy). Her constant rambling about everything Penelope Love drove poor Marls up the wall.
"Lily, just talk to her for fuck sakes," shouted an extremely aggravated Marlene. "I do not care about her fucking eyes or the way her bum looks in her skirt. I do care about finishing this shitty potions essay," Marlene snapped, raising her length of parchment in a dramatic flourish to punctuate her point. Lily must have looked horribly offended because Marlene softened her voice and said, "Lily, I have asked you for help about fifteen times in the past half hour and you've been too busy daydreaming about shagging Love." Lily blushed guiltily. "Please just help me out with this essay, oh potions goddess, and then I will subject myself to your poetic ramblings about Penelope's breasts." Lily smacked Marlene's arm, laughing.
"Pervert," she giggled, "and I'm not as good at potions as Sev is. Really, I told you I could get him to help you out." Marlene pulled a wretched face and stuck her tongue out. "Alright, I know, I know," Lily sighed, exasperatedly. Although she didn't understand Marl's prejudice against Sev and Sev's similar feelings towards Marls, she tried to respect their mutual wish to avoid each other as much as possible. "Now let's see this essay so I can tell you all about how Penelope's hair smells like apples," Lily said rolling her eyes and laughingly dodging the quill Marlene chucked at her head.
It was a week later when Lily finally plucked up the courage to ask her out to Hogsmeade. They spent the entire time walking and talking, not going into any of the stores or restaurants, not realizing where they were headed until they had reached the Shrieking Shack. They laughed and Lily had grabbed her hand. They walked like that, holding hands and talking, smiling like idiots, all the way back to the castle, where Lily kissed her on the mouth. She tasted like vanilla lip-gloss and new beginnings.
Three months and multiple broom cupboards and empty classrooms later, Lily was sure she had never felt this way about someone before. She was spending less and less time with Marls and she hardly ever saw Sev these days. Penelope was consuming her every thought. Lily had never been happier. Until one night while she was patrolling with Remus, she opened the door to the astronomy tower to find Penelope Love, her girlfriend, in a rather passionate embrace with Andrea Green, a sixth year Slytherin. A stunned Lily and Remus had simply stared until Remus had the common sense to announce their presence by clearing his throat. Startled, Andrea and Penelope whipped around to face a surprisingly calm looking Lily.
"Lily, it's not what it looks like. I'm so sorry. This isn't- this wasn't how I wanted-," Penelope began stammering, but Lily didn't let her finish. Instead Lily spun on her heel, shared an understanding look with Remus and started walking down the stairs, leaving her patrol partner to deal with the deduction of points and detention assignments. Lily had made it all the way back to the portrait hole, not thinking anything, not feeling anything, before she felt the first tear drop off the end of her nose. That single tear was all it took to set Lily off. Bawling, Lily turned around and ran from the portrait hole, stopping once she reached the closest empty classroom.
Lily didn't know how long she'd been in the empty transfiguration classroom, sitting atop the empty teacher's desk, crying her eyes out before she heard the knock. "Hey," a familiar voice began, opening the door, "Lily?" Lily matched the voice to its owner a second before James Potter stepped through the door. She hid her face in her hands.
"Go away Potter, I don't have time to deal with any of your stupidity right now," Lily snapped, voice sounding dreadfully hoarse and vulnerable from the tears. Lily heard James close the door and walk towards where she was seated, joining her on the desk. "I said go away James," Lily repeated sounding like a helplessly small child.
"Remus wanted to come check on you, but he had to deal with tonight's paperwork. He asked me if I could do it instead." He paused a beat. "Merlin, Evans, I'm so sorry about what happened. It was pretty clear how you felt about her," James said, reaching out a comforting hand before thinking better of it. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Lily shook her head no, body shuddering as she tried to hold back her sobs. She couldn't let anyone see her like this. She opened her mouth to tell James to fuck off, but when she looked up into his face all she saw was a concern she did not deserve from this boy who wasn't even her friend. A whimper escaped her open mouth and she hid her face in the crook of James neck as she began to sob again. Some part of Lily's mind registered that James smelled good, like the outdoors and soap and something else that Lily couldn't exactly put her finger on.
"Fuck her." Lily's voice was wobbly and high like a child's. "I love her and she was snogging Andrea as if I didn't even exist. As if I don't even matter." James' shoulder was completely soaked now and she knew she should feel embarrassed, but she couldn't find it in herself to care. She knew she should be talking to Sev about this, but he had grown distant lately and she couldn't find room to worry about that right now either.
She felt like shit and this was helping. James was helping. He was holding her, stroking her hair and mumbling into her ear. "You're okay Lily. Everything is going to be okay." And Lily believed him; she felt safe.
Lily removed her face from his neck to look him in the eyes. "How could she do that James," Lily asked, sobs replaced by silent tears cascading down her face. "How could she do that to me? I love her so much," Lily whispered closing her eyes.
"I don't have an answer for you Lily," James said, thumbs stroking her cheekbones, wiping away the rapidly falling tears, "But I do know that you are ten times the person she is and about 50 times the girl Andrea Green is. She didn't deserve you Lily," James said looking into her watery green eyes with his earnest hazel ones. "You deserve better. You need someone who will love you as much as you love them." Lily's face grew red and hot and she looked down at her shoes. "I'm serious Lily, you deserve so much more," James said, pulling her into a hug.
Lily wasn't sure how long she stood there in James' arms before her tears stopped and she could finally pull herself together, but it felt like hours. As Lily walked back to the Gryffindor Common Room that night with James at her side and his reassuring hand on the small of her back, Lily thought she knew two things for certain. One, she needed to dump that cheating cow, Penelope, first thing tomorrow morning. Two, something had definitely changed between her and James Potter, but she could figure that one out later.