In Rome

By bleached.dragon

Summary: When in the Science Department… DON'T do as the department members do. John—remember him?—learns that and more during an impromptu take your child to work day.

A/N: This was written for Motisporif and Sarahfreak's contest and centered around the infamous Science Department room. I was originally going to write about all the department members quitting, but in my personal quest to write about obscure characters, I remembered John (Remember him? He was in chapter two…). I hope you enjoy.

John was fed up.

He threw the remnants of his latest failed anti-akuma invention on the floor where a giant pile of crushed gears and tangled wires had been forming for the last half-year or so. The boy gritted his teeth, the once in a blue moon visit his father paid him had outdated all of his half-year's hard work.

In truth though, he was more bored then angry.

In keeping up with his promise to Allen to not try to tangle with Akuma or the Earl on his own, John had pretty much given up his lease on the exciting things in life.

Allen…

Of course!

He would pay Allen a visit!

John cackled, he wondered how surprised his white haired friend would be upon seeing him. He bet that those gray eyes would pop out of his head.

Sporting his usual lack of consideration for possible consequences, John made a rush for the door.

One look at the giant crumbling rock wall and John almost gave up. He circled the perimeter looking for the best route up and muttering about lack of footholds. That was when his current foothold gave out and he took a step into thin air before tumbling headfirst into a giant canal.

Bursting to the surface with a weak doggy paddle that happened to be all five years of swim lessons had imparted on him, John struggled against the current with no avail and he was quickly sucked into an opening underneath the Black Order.

This was it.

He had read similar scenes in the Hobbit.

Midget gets sucked into an underground pool.

Midget meets strangely accented creature of indeterminate race.

Midget finds ring.

Midget doomed for life, or at least his offspring.

Well, technically the last part is a spoiler from the two hundred pages or so that he had read in the Lord of the Rings. It was with these, rather nerdy, thoughts that John prepared for his doom.

Which did not come.

All in all, it was a rather disappointing affair when he doggy paddled to a small underground pier and heaved himself onto it.

Where was the action? He wondered. The romance?

Worst epic tale ever.

John's epic tale resumed when he awoke on a table in a strange room that upon first glance, looked like it was full of snow. A weird creature peered down at him.

Dear god, was he hallucinating?

You know I wasn't serious earlier! The boy prayed silently in his head, I don't want to be accosted by a weird creature of indeterminate race! I don't want to be forced to play kinky games!

"Hey! Are you alright?" a bespectacled figure popped into his vision.

"Not particularly," John sat up, "Where am I?"

Said bespectacled figure grinned and extended his arms, "Welcome to the Black Order Science Department! I'm Johnny Gill!" he prodded the strange creature next to him, "This is 65," and threw a book at a slumbering figure across the table, "And that's Tap Dopp."

"John," our protagonist surveyed his surroundings, "Why is it snowing here?"

"Oh," Johnny replied offhandedly, "That's just paperwork."

"That you should be doing," an Australian man at the next table scowled at them and sipped from the cup in his hand.

"Oh, Reever," Johnny was unimpressed, "This is our Department head," he gestured offhandedly with a giant broomstick that had magically been lying on the table.

"Nice to meet you?" John was nonplussed, "But my father said that his boss was a sadistic Asian man who had a sister complex."

"Father?"

"Uh, yeah," John decided that some improv was for order, "Today's take your child to work day… except I can't seem to find my father…"

"Really? We'll just have to give you the grand tour then!" his bespectacled new friend pumped the air.

Reever sighed, "Excuses for skipping work get better every day, don't they?"

Johnny grinned and grabbed John's hand.

"You know," John was sitting on a table, "It's not possible to go anywhere here without getting a paper cut."

"Oh, those are important documents," the bespectacled scientist replied cheerfully, while prodding a stack with his foot, "Books on every topic you can imagine," he lifted a tome, "See? It's a book on ancient botany," Johnny waved at the shelves lining the vast room that comprised of the Science Department, "And more books on the shelves," he shrugged, "It's kind of a pity, since we haven't been able to go paperless. I think we're a giant contributor to global warming…"

"Still, isn't it kind of dangerous?"

"There are much more dangerous places at the Black Order," Johnny replied cheerfully, "If you enter Kanda's room, you'll get sliced into sashimi. If you go into Komui's experimentation rooms, you'll be scarred for life. If you—"

"Komui's experimentation rooms?" John jumped from the table and promptly sliced himself several times on documents, "I want to see!"

"Oh, you do?" Johnny stared blankly at John's retreating back, "YOU DO? HOLD ON! WAIT! YOU'LL DIE!"

"That…!" Johnny gasped, while forcibly holding down his companion, "Was close!"

"But I want to see!" John whined childishly.

Johnny sighed, "I can't believe that the blood curdling screams aren't offsetting in the least to you."

"I thought they were part of the music."

"Pardon?"

"You know, the ominous soundtracks that they play when the hero steps into dangerous territory…"

Johnny didn't even bother to reply to that sentiment.

"You know…" John had once again commanded a position on a 'threat of paper cut'-less place and was expounding on his impressions of the Science Department, "The Science Department is pretty much full of paper…"

"Don't forget the psychopathic maniacs!" a Science Department member called from his desk.

"Ah yes, psychopathic maniacs… wait… psychopathic maniacs? What? Where?" John jumped from his seat, "I want to see!"

Johnny groaned, "Why are you so interested in these things? Couldn't you just find a nice, warm closet and stuff yourself into it? I don't think your life insurance covers death at the hands of a giant robot!"

"Come on! Psychopathic maniac!" the scientist found his hand grabbed and sighed.

Komui was doodling on a sheet of paper when a small boy burst into his office and screamed, "OH MY GOD! A psychopathic maniac! It's my first time seeing one!"

The Asian man looked up and then decided not to pursue the matter.

"Hey… how come he isn't much of a maniac… or psychopathic?"

Johnny grimaced, "That's because he only goes into psychopathic maniac mode when you say, 'Lenalee is getting married.'"

"PSYCHOPATHIC MANIAC MODE: ON!"

"I didn't just say, 'Lenalee is getting married,' did I?"

"LENALEE! YOU'RE NOT GETTING MARRIED ARE YOU?" Komui grabbed the nearest person to him, who happened to be John, "WITHOUT TELLING YOUR BROTHER?" he moaned and released a torrent of tears, "I'LL KILL THE BASTARD WHO WANTS TO MARRY MY LENALEE! I'LL KILL HIM! KILL!"

"That was great!" John pumped the air.

"Pardon?"

"It was kind of fun, being mistaken for a psychopathic maniac's little sister and passionately embraced…"

"Issues…"

"So, what's next?"

Johnny cast around for a tourist location that wasn't lethal in any manner, "Uh… how about…" his eyes settled on the clock, "Of course!"

At that moment, an Asian girl wandered in nonchalantly with a tray of coffee and extended it forward, "Anyone want coffee?"

The response was immediate as the embattled Science Department members dragged their nearly comatose forms to the young lady and her tray with worshipful gazes at the goddess.

John yawned, "Its just coffee…"

"From a goddess…" the bespectacled scientist began drooling rather dreamily.

"Who's the one who has issues now?" John randomly selected a mug from the tray, "Hm? Why does this one have a psychotic looking bunny on it? It completely screams 'evil mastermind'… Oh well," John downed the cup in one gulp.

"Oh… that's just Komui's special cup that Lenalee gave him for his birthday…" Johnny trailed off, "YOU DRANK FROM KOMUI'S SPECIAL CUP? WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND MOLEST LENALEE!"

"SOMEONE MOLESTED LENALEE?" our favorite bereted psychopathic maniac was out of his office in a heartbeat, a gigantic apocalypse worthy drill-like weapon in hand.

"N-n-n-no! NO!" Johnny cowered while John looked at Komui with an expression of morbid curiosity on his features.

Komui raised his weapon.

"Ni-san!" a hand, the hand of an angel, stopped the coming apocalypse, "He was just making a comparison!"

"B-b-b-but Lenalee! What could he compare molesting you to?"

Lenalee glanced at the empty coffee cup, "Uh… Bad things…"

"Bad things?"

"Uh…" Lenalee swore inwardly, "Bad things… like…" she then turned and pointed screaming, "AH! THERE'S A GIANT SCARY THING OVER THERE! BROTHER! HELP!"

Komui turned and activated his weapon, "Where?"

"Uh… IT WENT OUT THE DOOR!"

Komui sprinted off, "DON'T WORRY LENALEE! I'LL PROTECT YOU!"

Lenalee smiled, "Works every time," she spun around and extended her hand, "I'm Lenalee, nice to metcha!"

"John."

"I DON'T SEE IT!"

Lenalee sighed and called back, "IT'S SOMEWHERE IN THE ORDER! HUNT IT DOWN!" she sighed, "That'll keep him occupied for a week or so…" she turned, "Now get your coffee!"

"Hey, Johnny," John was sporting an extremely confused expression on his face.

"Hm?"

"Why is it that… the Science Department is full of half dying people?"

Johnny blinked, "Excuse me?"

"Look at Tap…" John pointed, "He looks like he has one foot in the grave…"

Johnny laughed, "Oh that… it's just sleep deprivation. We've been pulling a straight month of all nighters."

"Really?" John was beginning to reconsider joining the Black Order when he was older.

"Yep!"

"But he looks like he's ill," John shot Tap a worried look, "Shouldn't we send him to the infirmary, or something?"

"He's fine!" the bespectacled scientist patted his friend vigorously, who merely slid off the table, "See? Fine! Fine! Fine!"

John raised his eyebrows, and wondered if the lack of sleep was getting to his new friend, "Hold on… he's saying something…"

"Tap…" the words were mumbled and nearly incoherent, "Y-y-you've been… good… to me…" he lifted a hand weakly, "T-t-take c-c-care of yourself… m-m-make sure you t-t-take care of yourself…"

John sighed, "If that isn't someone at his deathbed, then I don't know what it is."

The other scientist dropped to his knees, sobbing, "Oh Tap! Don't die! Don't die without me!"

John could see the Chinese drama in the making, "Just get him to the infirmary. Stop sobbing there!"

"B-b-but," Johnny blubbered, "I c-c-c-can't… w-w-we can't leave during work hours."

John blinked.

The scientist was getting more worked up, "T-t-t-this room is a DEMON! A DEMON! IT HOLDS US IN ITS THRALL!"

Yep, Chinese drama.

"Uh, Johnny?"

"A DEMON! WE WILL NEVER ESCAPE!"

"HEY EVERYBODY!" sporting a megaphone and a beret, Komui jumped on a table, "GUESS WHAT? WE'RE MOVING!"

"NEVER ESCAPE!" Johnny wailed.

John sighed, "The Science Department has it all… Paper, experimentation rooms, psychotic maniacs, goddesses, coffee and corpses…"

The End.

A/N: Hm, I pretty much wrote this entire fic for the ending… It was harder to write for the Science Department than I originally realized… since when I nearly smashed my laptop, I realized that I didn't know too much about the Science Department… other than it's snow flurries give paper cuts… Anyway, thanks for reading!

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