Hello everybody, and welcome to the first chapter of my newest fanfiction project, Tales of the Vampire Kingdom. Before we begin there are just a few things I'd like to clear up. #1. There is no one main plot of this story. It is more like a series of one-shots that all take place within the same universe that I have created. Therefore, chapter updates will be infrequent and based solely on when I come up with new story ideas for this AU. #2. Just to give you a frame of reference, this particular chapter/story takes place sometime before the events of "Slumber Party Panic" and therefore before the start of the series. #3. Words in Italics are meant to convey either poetry, song, or flashbacks. #4. Adventure Time and all its characters were created by Pendleton Ward and are owned by Cartoon Network. I do not own them. However, I do own the OCs that I have created. Which reminds me, this chapter/one-shot is pretty OC heavy, but I think you'll still find it enjoyable if you give it a chance. So without any further ado, please enjoy.
Chapter 1: Tales of the Regents.
In the Land of Ooo there's a hidden kingdom, in a cavern underground.
And in this kingdom there sits a palace, roughly square shaped, not round.
And in this palace lives the Queen, the Queen of the Undead.
But never break her fragile heart, or she'll suck up all your Red.
This is a poem that was once known to all the children of Ooo in days long past. Not the most well written piece of poetry ever to come out of this post-apocalyptic paradise mind you, but simple enough for even the most slowwitted of rug rats to remember. Regrettably, it fell out of style sometime before the era of Joshua and Margret, so few who are alive today even remember it. I say this is regrettable because the kingdom, the palace, and the Queen described within the poem were, and still are, quite real.
In a large open room within the palace of this hidden kingdom, ten figures sat around a large round table. The room was known as the Regents' Court and the figures were known, appropriately enough, as the Regents. And although they were each of a different size, shape, age, race, and species, they all shared single commonality; namely, a pair of small puncture marks on each of their necks, located roughly near their respective jugular veins. This was because, as I'm sure you've already guessed, all of the Regents were vampires.
At the head of the table was a large, ornate chair, which at the moment was conspicuously vacant. In the chair next it sat a large, muscular, anthropomorphic crocodile-man with milky eyes; adorned only in a white tank top and a pair of well-worn jeans. He sat there, with his eerie eyes open and his arms crossed, quietly mumming a tune his Queen had sung to him countless years ago; allowing his massive tail to rock gently back and forth to the rhythm.
Directly next to him sat a tall, lean, anthropomorphic Doberman Pinscher who appeared to be dressed for battle; his garb consisting of a pair of bronze shoulder pads, a leather battle skirt, and matching sandals. He was attempting to distract himself from the air of boredom that hung over the room by sharpening what looked like a large broadsword with what looked like a small whetstone.
Next to him sat an anthropomorphic falcon-man, who was dressed almost exactly the same way, save for the fact that his shoulder pads were silver. He was, by all appearances, in some sort of deep meditative trance; his eyes closed shut and his talons folded into a pyramid as he softly muttered some kind of cryptic mantra.
Beside him sat a cat, though not of the anthropomorphic sort. In fact, to look at it, one might easily mistake it for a common housecat; save for aforementioned puncture marks and that fact that its fur was a deep purple. At any rate, said cat was trying to entertain itself by licking its front paws in an unusually saucy manner.
In the chair next to the cat there was a woman, and a very attractive one at that. She was vaguely human-like in appearance, save for her lime green and lightly freckled complexion, with long chestnut hair done up in two adorable ponytails. She was dressed in the tradition garb of a scientist, with her orange dress covered by a plain white lab coat and a charming pair of glasses on her face; though unlike your typical scientist, she also wore a small red gem on her forehead in an odd but beguiling sort of way. She too was trying to stave off the overhanging boredom in the room, in her case by attempting to solve a crossword puzzle.
Next to her sat another humanoid, a male this time, with pale grey skin, pointed ears, and long, wavy silver hair. He wore a tattered black t-shirt with matching pants, and seemed perfectly content drawing circles in the air with a tiny wand that appeared to have been carved from a willow branch.
Beside him sat a shrimpy goblin man dressed in a humble brown tunic and matching loincloth. He was busy occupying himself with a small blue book and, for reasons as of yet unrevealed, appeared to be twitching rather nervously.
Next to said goblin sat, or rather floated, a Lumpy Space Man who at first glance could easily be mistaken for a giant, floating bunch of blueberries with arms, a face, and a tiny star-shaped mark on its forehead. He was busy entertaining himself by making shadow puppets; though strangely enough, the lights were off and he had no other light source with which to create them.
Beside him sat a tall, muscular, dark green cyclops dressed in a white collared shirt, purple vest, matching tie, black pants, and brown loafers. Of all the Regents in the room, he appeared to be the most antsy; as demonstrated by the fact that he was rapidly drumming his nails against the table and checking his watch every few minutes.
In the final chair sat another cyclops who was an almost dead ringer for the first, save for the fact that he was dark blue, was dressed in a simple black t-shirt with the image of a purple heart on the front and light blue jeans, and had no shoes to speak of. By way of contrast to the first cyclops, this one appeared to be the most relaxed Regent in the room; as demonstrated by the fact that he was fast asleep on the table and snoring rather loudly.
For what felt like an eternity, these ten vampires sat in relative silence as they patiently awaited the arrival of the Court's final and most important member. However, one of them was far less patient than the others.
"Okay, that's enough of this." Said the green cyclops suddenly as he began to push his chair back. "She's obviously not coming. So why don't we just call it a night."
"Sit down Osiris." Said the falcon-man in a calm but commanding voice. "We will all sit here and wait for our Queen to arrive. No matter how long it takes."
"Oh come on Horus." The cyclops whined rather childishly. "Every year we do this. And every year Her Highness says, 'Aww, you guys, you really shouldn't have'. Ever think she might be trying to tell us something?"
"Your silver tongue may serve you well in your duties Gambler King, but it will not aid you tonight." Said the dog-man as he continued to sharpen his blade. "So I suggest you stop talking before I am forced to remove it."
"All I'm saying is, why should we put ourselves through this when the Queen probably won't even show up?" Osiris argued, clearly ignoring the dog-man's warning. "I mean; does anyone here even know where she is right now? Or when she'll be back?"
"Um, I think she said something about taking the Ice King to this new pizza place in the Wildberry Kingdom." Answered the Lumpy Space Man, who had apparently grown bored of his shadow puppets. "And then maybe I think she's taking him to a movie or some junk."
"You see!" said Osiris triumphantly as he finally stood up from his chair. "She could be gone for days. Glob knows, babysitting that frozen fool is an ordeal in and of itself."
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" yelled Horus as he too stood up, looking absolutely furious. "Trying to weasel your way out of your responsibilities is one thing, Gambler King. But insulting Brother Simon is something I will not tolerate. Especially from the likes of you."
Despite Horus' intimidating display, Osiris was not impressed. Instead of sitting back down, he simply folded his arms and adopted an arrogant smirk.
"Oh, that's right," he said condescendingly. "You actually care about that worthless old washout, don't you?"
"One more word out of you and I'll…"
"You'll what? Rip my head off?"
"Don't tempt me."
"I'd like to see you try."
"QUIET!" shouted the milky eyed crocodile-man; instantly putting an end to the argument. "You two can fight each other all you want in the morning, but you will not do it tonight. Not on her night."
Neither Horus nor Osiris felt much like tussling with the eloquent brute, so despite their mutual hatred for each other, they elected to keep their mouths shut and return to their seats. Satisfied with his victory, the crocodile-man let out a contented sigh before continuing.
"Now, to answer your previous question Osiris, we 'put ourselves through this', as you so eloquently put it, because we are the Regents. And, more importantly, because at the moment we are the closest thing our beloved Queen has to a real family." The milky eyed reptile's words were surprisingly stirring; so much so that several of his comrades were already nodding in agreement. "Therefore, I feel it is our obligation, nay, our duty, to ensure her continued health and happiness. Whether or not she feels she deserves it."
XXX
The River Guardian's Tale
The shade beneath the great willow tree was cool and soothing against his hard scales and the scent of wildflowers in the air was quite pleasing to his nostrils.
Spring had returned to the land and all around him the little creatures played in the warmth of that cruel malignant orb they called the Sun.
Having been born in a world of darkness he never gave much thought to the Sun, that is until the day it became as poison to his bare flesh. But alas, his mistress loved it so, even if she too could not bare its hateful touch. Which is why he stood watch over her as they laid together under the canopy of the ancient willow.
"So Sobek, what do you think?" asked his mistress, bringing his focus back to her.
"Well Your Majesty, it sounds like a piece of paper, but I assume you're referring to what's written on it."
"Oh… yeah, sorry. I keep forgetting." She said, laughing a little at her own embarrassment, before shifting back to her original train of thought. "Anyway, it's just some design ideas I came up with for our new home."
"Describe it to me please, my Queen." He asked with controlled excitement. "I love it when you describe things for me."
"Sure thing buddy." She replied in a soft, almost maternal tone. "Well, there'll be shops, and cafes, and everybody'll get their own house; just like in the Candy Kingdom. There'll be a library for Thoth, and a dojo for Anubis to practice in, and a great big river just for you."
"My own river?"
"That's right buddy, you've earned it."
"And what about you, Your Majesty?" he asked curiously. "Will you have a palace like Princess Bubblegum?"
"Oh, well I… you see its…" she began, sounding more than a little uncomfortable with this question. "PB and I kinda have different leadership styles, so I don't think I really need a palace."
"But you deserve one." He interjected. "You're our Queen."
"Yeah but…"
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassse~"
"Alright, alright," she relented, laughing a little at her subject's insistence. "If it'll make you happy, I'll live in a palace."
"Thank you, Your Majesty."
XXX
"And furthermore, my friends, I believe that for the good of our Queen we must… that is to say I believe we must… I believe… WILL WOU STOP THAT!" Sobek snapped suddenly at the purple cat, who had up until that point been licking himself in a most inappropriate manner. "For Glob's sake Khnum, that's disgusting! Have you no sense of decency?"
To his credit, Khnum the Cat had ceased his licking as soon as he'd been called on it, but he did not seem the least bit apologetic. If anything he just looked mildly annoyed.
"Sorry mate." He said, almost sarcastically, to the crocodile-man. "But a bloke's gotta keep himself entertained somehow. Besides, it's not like you can see what I'm doing anyway."
"Yes, but I can still hear it." Sobek corrected him; his voice containing more than a few drops of venom. "And while we're on the subject of decency, why don't you change into something more appropriate for this occasion."
"Okay, but only because you asked so nicely."
With an amused chuckle, the purple cat gave his neck a sudden crack and his body began to twist and stretch. Within moments Khnum the Cat was no more, and in his place sat a purple skinned humanoid with short jet-black hair, dressed in a manner befitting a drunken businessman.
"There, are you happy now, Chopper-Face?" the now humanoid Khnum asked in a playful but clearly mocking tone.
Sobek, obviously not amused by such a cheek, let out a dissatisfied growl.
"Must you always behave like such an ill-mannered, inconsiderate ass?"
"Oh course!" Khnum answered with almost child-like bluntness. "I mean think about it. If I ever bothered to stop and think about how my actions affect other people, I wouldn't even have this sweet job right now."
XXX
The Spy Master's Tale
Through a thick veil of inky blackness, the intrepid and dashing master thief, armed only with a pillowcase and a tiny flashlight, searches the legendary Palace of the Vampire Queen for the countless riches that most certainly lie within.
Yeah right!
"This place is a dump." Said the handsome and visibly fuming master thief as he quietly grumbled to himself with righteous indignation. Thanks to a bogus tip from his now former partner Arthur, he now found himself trying to rob a palace that, A) was more like a small three-story manor than a palace, and B) contained absolutely nothing worth stealing. "No paintings, no silverware, not even a blooming coin collection. It's like a bleeding poor person's castle."
Having finally had enough of this pitiful excuse for a palace, the brilliant but brooding master thief sneaks silently through the Livingroom, towards the balcony and his dramatic escape.
"Next time I see that fool Arthur, I'm gonna give him such a…"
Regretfully, before he could finish his oath of vengeance, the master thief felt something cold and sharp wiz past his nose, just barely missing the tip, causing him to stop dead in his tracks.
A moment later the lights came on, allowing the master thief to see just was the heck was going on. To his immediate left he saw a large spear made of ice skewered halfway through the wall. To his immediate right he saw what looked like a six-foot-tall, anthropomorphic falcon-like creature with an icy blue mist radiating off its outstretched talon-like hand. Didn't take a genius to figure this one out.
"Move one inch without my permission and the next one pierces your brain." Said the falcon-man in a calm yet threatening tone.
"Oh, bugger." The master thief muttered fearfully; expecting these to be his final moments of precious life. Fortunately for him the universe had other plans, for he was soon saved by the voice of an angel.
"Dang it Horus, I'm trying to sleep." Said a melodious but tired voice from seemingly out of nowhere. Seconds later, through an adjoining doorway floated a beauty pale-skinned maiden with long ebony hair, dressed only in a plain grey t-shirt and matching sweatpants. "How many times have I told you, no ice spears in the house."
"A thousand apologies my Queen." Replied the falcon-man respectfully. "But I caught this loathsome wretch attempting to burgle the Royal Palace. So I believe my actions were more than justified."
The pale-skinned beauty, now positively identified as the Vampire Queen, narrowed her eyes at the master thief and, like a specter, slowly floated towards him.
"Let me get this straight," she said as she suddenly got all up in his face. "You have the gall to sneak into my kingdom, sneak past not one, but three of my best guys, plus a couple thousand other vampires without being seen, and break into my palace, just so you could rob me?"
The master thief nodded, despite believing that he would soon have his throat ripped out. However, much to his own surprise, the Queen soon adopted a softer and much more friendly expression.
"Not bad." She said, sounding more than mildly impressed. "How'd you like to work for me?"
"Um… doing what, exactly?"
"Oh, you know, a little B&E, a little sabotage, occasionally some inter-kingdom espionage." The Queen explained casually. "Basically making life miserable for peeps I don't like."
"Sounds like a fun job, what's the pay?"
"Permanent asylum in my kingdom with a one hundred percent no extradition guarantee. Plus, immortality"
"Well, it sounds better than a spear through the brain." The master thief said factiously. "I'll take it.
"Smart choice."
"Yeah so, what's my first assignment, um, Boss?"
At this question, the Queen gave him a mischievous smile and asked one of her own.
"Ever heard of the Candy Kingdom?"
XXX
"Yes… well, be that as it may, please try to exercise a little more restraint from now on, won't you." Sobek said insistently, his words now only mildly laced with venom. "If not for my sake, then for Her Majesty's."
"As far as I know, Her Majesty's never had a problem with my behavior. In fact, she's often told me she finds my antics rather charming." Khnum boasted casually, earning another growl from his reptilian colleague. "But, if it will make you feel better, I'll try to keep my rambunctiousness to a minimum; at least until tomorrow."
"Well, see that you do!" said the crocodile-man authoritatively, before turning his attention back to his associates at large. "Now then, what was I saying?"
"I was saying that this is a complete waste of time." Osiris interjected, much to the annoyance of everyone else present. "I know, I know, Sobek has already stated his case quite clearly. But still, I say this matter warrants a second opinion. What say you, Brother Thoth?"
Suddenly, all eyes were on the tiny goblin vampire, who upon realizing this set his book down and began twitching even more nervously than before.
"M-m-m-me?"
"But of course. Though you may not be the most senior member of this council, your great wisdom has made you famous amongst our kind and has earned you a much deserved seat at this table." The dark green cyclops said in an obsequious, but clearly manipulative manner. "Therefore, if anyone can see that my argument is valid, that the Queen is perfectly happy as is, and that our presence here is unnecessary, it's you; O Grand Librarian."
All this false praise seemed to make the shrimpy goblin all the more uncomfortable. However, despite his obvious unease, Thoth still managed to stutter a reply.
"I-I hardly think I'm q-q-q-qualified to make such an argument."
"Come again?" asked Osiris, sounding mildly dumbfounded.
"While it is t-t-true that I am an expert on many subjects, when it comes to the Q-Q-Queen I am but a novice." Thoth explained, still seeming quite fidgety. "Her m-m-mind is like a great onion, full of many l-l-layers. And her soul is like an infinite labyrinth. Even with great wisdom and ex-ex-extraordinary senses, I often find it difficult to even guess what she is thinking."
"You must be joking."
"Oh no, I'm q-q-quite serious. Even at the best of times, Her Majesty's true motives and emotions can be quite d-d-difficult to read."
XXX
The Grand Librarian's Tale
"Down on your knees and pray, you goblin filth!" the vampiric pig-man shouted as he forced the shrimpy goblin and his fellow countrymen to, as previously stated, get on their knees and pray.
Five weary goblins sat upon a lonely hill while down in the valley below their beloved kingdom burned. Captured by the invading vampire horde, they all feared the worst. But none more so than the smallest one among them; who sat there shivering like a Chihuahua, desperately clinging to a small red book.
"Are these the only survivors?" asked the vampire leader; a scary looking female in a black hooded cloak.
"All that we could capture, my Queen." Answered her second-in-command, a black, vampiric dog-man with a broadsword on his belt. "The rest have all scattered. Shall be pursue?"
"Nah, I think the Goblin King got the message." The leader answered casually. "Maybe a few centuries of poverty will teach those goblins not to…"
The vampire leader stopped midsentence as her eyes fell upon the littlest of her captives.
"You there, what are you holding?" she asked the goblin with the book as he continued to shudder with fright.
"You heard the Queen!" shouted the dog-man. "Show us what you're hiding!"
"I… I… I…" the shrimpy goblin stammered. "I… d-d-don't want to."
"Ugh! Just hand it over you little runt!" the Queen yelled as she stepped forward and ripped the book away from her captive; much to his dismay.
"Noooo!" the scrawny goblin howled in misery as tears began to stream from his eyes. "Give it back! You big b-b-bully!"
But the Queen heard none of this. She was too transfixed by the tittle of the little red book.
"What's the matter, Your Majesty? What is it?" asked the dog-man concernedly.
"It's… It's The Little Prince." The Queen answered softly as a little tear ran down her cheek. "My mom used to read this to me when I was little."
Quickly wiping the tear away, the Queen crouched down to speak with the wailing goblin.
"Where did you get this?" she asked, suddenly adopting a slightly more authoritative tone.
"I… I…" the goblin stammered again as he tried to hold back his tears. "I found it in a c-cave, on the south side of the Grass Lands."
"And are there more books in this cave?"
"Y-yeah… thousands more. I go there whenever I need something new to r-r-read."
"Do you think you could show me where it is?"
"Y-y-y-yes ma'am."
"Good." She said smiling before she turned to her second-in-command. "Let this one live."
"As you wish, my Queen." The dog-man replied obediently.
"So, little goblin," the Queen said, returning her attention to her former captive. "What's your name?"
"G-G-Geoffrey."
"Not anymore it's not." She replied bluntly. "If you're gonna run with my crew, you're gonna need a better name than that."
"Your c-c-crew?"
"That's right buddy, from now on you're one of us." The Queen said kindly before picking her new subject up and cradling him in her arms. "Now come on, it's time for dinner."
"Begging your pardon, Your Majesty." The dog-man interjected politely. "But what about the other prisoners?"
"Meh, suck 'em dry. You boys have earned it."
Then without another word, the Queen turned around and walked back toward the center of camp; seemingly unaware that the bundle in her arms was desperately trying to block out the horrific screams of his former countrymen.
XXX
"Which is why when it c-c-c-comes to matters concerning the Queen directly, I often consult with either S-S-S-Sobek, Horus, o-o-o-or Anubis."
"Oh, well isn't that just wonderful!" Osiris blurted out suddenly, his tone an odd cocktail of exasperation, mockery, and manic energy. "Isn't that just swell! Thoth the Grand Librarian, the Solomon of the Vampire Kingdom, must regularly seek council from Her Majesty's loyal Butt-Kisser Brigade. Oh, that's just fan-freaking-tastic! The future of our fair government is all but secur-AAAKK!"
Before anyone knew what had happened, the dark furred dog-man was suddenly standing behind the loquacious cyclops; one hand digging its claws into his scalp and the other pressing the blade of a broadsword into his throat.
"I warned you about that serpent's tongue of yours, did I not. And yet you chose to ignore me." The dog-man said humorlessly as he pulled Osiris' head back to get a clearer view of his neck. "As Captain of the Royal Guards, I make it a point to personally eliminate any entity that could potentially endanger the health and happiness of the Queen. And right now, that includes you."
XXX
The Sword Master's Tale
CLANG!
The sound echoed throughout the marzipan arena and the two blades clashed.
This was not the first time this had happened since the final round of the tournament began, and it certainly would not be the last. His opponent was quite skilled, for a machine, and he was most certainly putting the seasoned warrior through his paces, but eventually he would fall, just like all the others.
CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
A roar came from the crowd as the two swordsmen clashed again. They were certainly putting on a good show for them. By utilizing both his keen canine ears and his laser sharp focus, he was able to pick up on some of their conversations without skipping a beat.
"Sock it to 'em Rattleballs!"
"Show no mercy Anubis!"
"Anybody see where the popcorn guy went?"
"It's only noon? With that Sun Shield up I thought it was Midnight. Man, that Set guy is really something."
"I say, the old boy's in rare form today isn't he."
"Why wouldn't he be; he's performing for his Queen today."
Ah yes, the Queen. The fair and radiant goddess to whom he had centuries prior sworn his eternal loyalty. She was watching him today. From up in the skybox with Princess Bubblegum. He wondered if she was enjoying his skillful display. So to find out he shifted his super-canine hearing directly on the Royal Box.
"So Marcy, how's the new diet working for you?" he heard the Princess ask in a polite yet friendly manner.
"Not gonna lie, red doesn't taste nearly as good as blood, but at least now I eat without feeling guilty. So I owe you big for that." He heard his Queen reply.
"My pleasure. I'm just glad I could finally give you and your people some piece of mind."
"Yeah well, I wish that was all you did."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh Bonnie it's just…" the Queen began, sounding more than slightly distraught. "Ever since I met you, ever since we started working together on this project, they've started… treating me differently."
"I don't understand."
"Well, first there was Sobek practically begging me to let them build a palace for me. Then Thoth comes up to me one day and starts suggesting a holiday in my honor. Now Shu and Horus are insisting that I start wearing a crown. They've even started up a petition. They're actually going to force me to wear a crown. It's psychotic!"
"Well… Marcy, that's all a part of being royalty."
"Easy for you to say! You like having thousands of lackeys lining up around the block to kiss your bubble-butt all day!" he heard his Queen snap, but based on what came next he assumed she instantly regretted it. "I… I'm sorry Bonnie, it's just that… I don't deserve this. I'm not royalty. I'm just some messed up kid who's made way too many mistakes."
"Your subjects seem to disagree with you. And you wanna know something else, so do I." the Princess countered in a tough yet sympathetic manner. "You do deserve this. You deserve to be happy. To feel special. Yes, you've made mistakes, but you've learned from them. And now you're using what you've learned to build a better future for your people. You will be a great Queen, Marceline. I know it."
The Queen gave no reply, but he could still hear her sniffling. She was crying, and that was something he could not stand for. The Princess had done her part to cheer her up and now it was time for him to do his. So with new determination he lunged toward his opponent to deliver a spectacular finishing blow.
He would win this tournament to make her smile.
XXX
"Anubis! Wait please!" Osiris begged in a pathetically childish manner. "You… you don't need to do this. I'll be quiet from now on, I promise. And all those things I said about you, I really mean about myself."
"Your honeyed words are meaningless, Gambler King." Anubis said coldly as he pushed the blade further into the cyclops' throat. "You are a loathsome, gluttonous, cad. But cease your prattling now, and I can at least assure you an honorable death."
The air in the room was so thick with tension you could've cut it with a knife. While Osiris sat there with a sword to his neck, sweating like a sinner at Sunday Mass, all of the other Regents sat in stunned silence; too paralyzed by either shock or indifference to even move a finger. Fortunately for the dark green cyclops, someone was able to regain her senses before the first cut was made.
"Just a moment, Anubis." Said the female vampire with the twin ponytails as she casually adjusted her glasses. "Perhaps you might want to reconsider."
"Oh, and why is that, O Grand Apothecary?" asked the Sword Master with dry curiosity.
"Because killing Osiris will make the Queen very unhappy."
Needless to say, no one had expected her to say that. Even Anubis, with his laser sharp focus, was so through by this seemingly preposterous statement that he nearly dropped his sword.
"What are you talking about?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at her.
"It's quite simple really." She began in a calm and logical tone. "Her Majesty formed this council so that the Vampire Kingdom would always have a strong ruling body, even in her absence. Is that not so?"
"Yes, that is so, but I…"
"And is it not also true that Her Highness handpicked each Regent personally, because she trusted each of us not only to do our own jobs, but to work together to keep our kingdom thriving?"
"Yes, that is also true, but I fail to see your point."
"My point, dear Anubis, is that a system was put in place so that the Queen would be free to pursue her own interests without having to worry about the state of her Kingdom. However, if she were to see this, one Regent literally at another's throat, she'd lose faith in that system." The Grand Apothecary explained, still sounding calm and logical. "Without faith, she'd have no choice but to disband this council and assume full control over every facet of the Kingdom. And I'm sure I don't need to tell you, having that much responsibility trust upon her all at once would greatly sadden our beloved monarch. So much so that she might not smile again for at least a century; if ever."
After his colleague finished her pitch, Anubis said nothing for what felt like a very long time. His expression changed at least a dozen times as he let his mind fully process the Apothecary's words. Finally, after seemingly hours of mental deliberation, the dog-man pulled the blade away from the cyclops' throat and put it back in its sheath.
"You are wise beyond your years, Grand Apothecary." Said Anubis respectfully as he roughly shoved Osiris' head into the table. "Very well then. For the good the Queen and my fellow Regents, I will allow this worm to live. For the time being, at least."
And with that said the tall dog-man quietly returned to his seat.
Panting heavily and still perspiring, Osiris lifted his throbbing head off the table and turned to his savior with a grateful eye.
"Bless you Serket." He said, this time with genuine admiration. "You saved my life."
"Don't read too much into it." She answered in a calm but nevertheless acidic tone. "I only did it because I didn't want bloodshed to spoil Her Majesty's special day. I owe her far too much to let that happen."
XXX
The Grand Apothecary's Tale
"You want me to do what?" the Vampire Queen asked incredulously. "I'm sorry, but could you repeat that; I think I have something really stupid in my ear."
"You heard what I said." Replied Dr. Princess, sounding completely unfazed, as she looked up from her microscope and turned her attention toward her 'guest'. "I want you to make me a vampire."
"Okay, then allow me to rephrase my last question. Are you out of your freaking mind?" the Queen shouted as she floated through the open window and into the laboratory proper. "Look, I don't know what you've heard about me, but I don't just go around biting people and turning them into vampires… anymore."
"Oh, I'm well aware of your policies on this subject, Your Highness." Dr. Princess explained. "But I'm hoping you'll be willing to make an exception once you've heard me out."
"Yeah… see, I've kinda learned the hard way not to trust princesses."
"Well then good news, Princess is just my surname. I'm just a scientist, not a royal."
"Not really helping your case Doc, I'm not too fond of scientists either."
"So I've heard, but believe me, I'm nothing like the ones you've met before."
"Alright, I'll hear you out." The Queen finally relented. "But if I don't like what you have to say, I'm leaving. Period."
"Sounds fair to me." Said the good doctor as she adjusted her lab coat and cleared her throat. "It's like this. I'm the greatest medical mind Ooo has ever seen. I've discovered cures for over a dozen fatal diseases and have received numerous awards for my revolutionary PT techniques. The only problem is, now I've hit a wall. I have theories that have the potential to completely remake medical science, but I can't even begin to test them because the technology needed to do so doesn't exist, and won't exist for at least one hundred years."
"So… you wanna be a vampire…"
"So I can live long enough to complete my greatest work ever."
"Yeah… that ain't happening." The Queen said bluntly as she turned her back on her 'host'.
"What?"
"I told you, I don't work with scientists. Especially ones who are only out for personal glory."
"This isn't about glory!" Dr. Princess shouted defensively. "If my theories pan out, then millions, maybe even billions, of unnecessary deaths could be prevented every year! Just picture it, missing limbs, damaged hearts, even so-called irreversible brain damage, all fixed with just the flip of a switch."
That last bit seemed to stir something deep within the Queen's ancient soul; at least enough to make her turn back around.
"Okay, let's say for the sake of argument that I agree to do this." She began in a calm, rational tone. "You do realize that this isn't something you should take lightly. I mean, once I bite you it's a done deal. No more sunlight, no more aging, and nothing but red for the rest of eternity."
"I assure you, this isn't something I just decided to do this morning. I've researched this for months and am well aware of the consequences." The good doctor replied in an equally calm and rational tone. "But given the potential benefits, I'd say it's well worth it."
The Queen did not respond right away; apparently needing a few moments to consider her options. However, after a minute or two of silent contemplation, the Queen smiled and gave her answer.
"Alright, I'll do it."
"Thank you," Doctor Princess said with a respectful bow. "You don't know what this means to me. I promise, once I've completed my work I'll make sure the entire world knows that you made it all possible. Glob bless you, my Queen."
XXX
"Well, I don't care what your reasons were." Osiris said, practically gushing. "I'm only alive right now because of you and I'm never gonna forget that. Somehow, someway, I will repay you for this."
"Thank you for the offer." Serket replied politely; though it was clear from her tone that she was very much annoyed by his proposal. "But that's really not necessary."
"No, no, the Gambler King never forgets a favor and I intend to pay you back no matter what." the cyclops continued; his words becoming sleazier as he went on. "You ever need some extra scratch for an experiment; just call me. You ever need a spare organ, no questions asked; just call me. Anything you want; just call me. I swear, I won't stop until… I'M BLIND!"
"Huh, that's really weird way to end a sales pitch." Remarked Khnum as he leaned back in his chair.
"It's not a pitch, you ass! I've really gone blind!" Osiris replied, sounding genuinely terrified. "I can't see a dang thing! All the world is darkness?"
"Osiris, if this is another attempt to get yourself excused, I swear to Glob I will be very upset." Said Sobek with righteous indignation.
"No! I swear! I'm really, really blind!"
"Um, g-g-guys, I think he's telling the truth." Said Thoth, much to everyone's surprise. "Just l-l-l-look at his eye."
Following the shrimpy goblin's advice, the remaining Regents all took a closer look at the cyclops' eye and lo and behold there really was something wrong with it; a strange but familiar inky black aura had enveloped the massive ocular orb, completely blocking out all light.
Recognizing this phenomenon, everyone who could turned their gaze towards the blue Lumpy Space Man, who at the moment was making a series of unusual hand gestures and muttering in an ancient tongue. Upon realizing that all eyes were on him, he suddenly stopped his gesturing and shot them all a look of his own.
"What?" he asked, sounding almost offended by their stares. "You guys all know I like to stir the pot."
"All too well." Said Horus, who was trying very hard to chuckle at the cyclops' predicament. "But seeing as how Her Majesty could pop in at any moment, perhaps it might be a good idea to cease your Shadowcery, at least for the time being."
"Ugh! Fine, whatever." The Lumpy Space Man relented childishly before snapping his fingers; causing the shadowy substance incasing Osiris' eye to dissipate. He then crossed his arms and quietly fumed. "Marcy wouldn't 've cared. Heck, she'd have laughed 'til she peed herself."
XXX
The Trickster King's Tale
Thunder roared and lightning cracked as the stormed raged on outside. But inside the cave, two friends sat around a cozy little campfire; content with each other's company in spite of the violent tempest less than twenty feet away.
"And then Dad was all, 'Son you've gone too far this time, you can't keep using your powers so recklessly.'" Said the first friend, a mud stained, leaf covered Lumpy Space Man. "So then I'm all, 'Lump off Dad! You don't tell me what to do, you fat-headed, no-neck, butt-face!' And shortly after that I got banished here to the Smooth Dimension."
"Ow, harsh." Replied the second friend, a pale-skinned beauty with a long black ponytail, who was busy strumming a relaxing tune on her ax-shaped bass. "But if you ask me, you're better off without him. Dads are overrated anyway."
"Yeah, totally." The Lumpy Space Man said in agreement, before he paused to violently scratch what appeared to be a series of rather serious ant bites. "So, what about you? What's your story? I mean besides the fact that you like animals. Like… a lot."
This was most likely a reference to the falcon perched upon his new friend's shoulder, as well as the large Doberman sitting beside her, and the milk-eyed crocodile curled up next to her feet. Additionally, there were at least a hundred other animals of various shapes and sizes all mulling about the cave; as if all of them living together was the most normal thing in the world. Among them were several other breeds of dogs, more than a few cats, several bears, a whole family of wolves, as well as an odd assortment of boars, deer, wolverines, and what looked like baboons.
"Like… a real lot."
"Oh, I'm just your basic, run-of-the-mill hobo." The girl answered, almost jokingly. "I'm Marceline by the way. What's your name?"
"Well… peeps used to call me Lumpy Space Prince, but I'm pretty sure that's my brother's name now." The Lumpy Space Man replied, before adopting a slightly more somber demeanor. "I guess I don't have a name anymore."
Marceline frowned sympathetically; clearly moved by her new friend's plight. However, her expression soon reversed as she hatched a brilliant idea.
"Wait, I think I've got just the thing." She said in an animated fashion as she set down her bass and began rifling through her backpack. After a few minutes of searching, she finally found what she was looking for and pulled out a small, think, leather-bound book. "Heads up!"
With a strange newfound enthusiasm, Marceline chucked the book at her nameless friend, who much to his own surprise managed to catch it before it hit him in the face. Confused and more than a little curious, the banished prince examined the book and took note of its peculiar tittle.
"To Heliopolis and Back: A Beginner's Guide to Ancient Egypt? Marceline, what is this?"
"The only book left in the whole world~" she answered in a playfully overdramatic fashion. "Or, at least the only one I've been able to find that wasn't burned, soaked, or half eaten by squirrels. It's super boring, but it beats staring at a blank wall."
"Cool…" the former prince said, clearly trying to be polite. "And you're showing me this why?"
"Well, that book might suck, but it's got its uses. It helped me find names for most of these guys." Marceline explained as she gestured to the strange menagerie surrounding their campfire. "Maybe there's a new name in there for you too."
This stirred up a lot of complex emotions within the banished prince. He didn't weep with joy, but he felt like that would have been appropriate.
"You'd really do that for me?" he asked, obviously touched by the offer. "You'd help me pick out a new name?"
"Of course man." Marceline answered sweetly. "That's what friends are for."
XXX
"Set, you loathsome cur!" Osiris said in a low, yet whiney voice. "How dare you put me through that!"
"Oh, lighten up, Baldy." The Trickster King replied with casual antagonism. "What's the matter, can't you take a joke?"
"The only joke here is you, Set." The cyclops spat back. "Why Her Majesty made a useless thing like you a Regent I'll never know."
"Oh! You did not just say that to me!" the Lumpy Space Man exclaimed furiously as he quickly got all up in Osiris' face. "You did not just say that to me!"
"Set," Sobek spoke up, in an attempt to restore order. "Perhaps this isn't…"
"Put a sock in it Scale-Face!" the Trickster King shot back. "This has been a long time coming, and I'm gonna have my say. So just back off!"
Realizing this was a battle he couldn't win, the milky-eyed crocodile-man said nothing else; allowing Set to continue with his rant.
"Now listen up One-Eye! I'm getting real sick of that big mouth of yours!" the Lumpy Space Man said venomously; giving the cyclops several accusatory pokes to the chest as he spoke. "Trolling around the kingdom with your fancy clothes and your big words, acting like you're some kind of big shot! When all you are is a cheap lowlife!"
"You dare speak to me with such disrespect!" Osiris retaliated; suddenly sounding much braver than he actually was.
"Oh, I dare Baby! I dare because it's the truth!" Set countered; a veritable spitfire. "You act like a king, but you're not! You're nothing but a sleazy hustler who got outhustled!"
XXX
The Gambler King's Tale
The in air in the casino was filled with the sounds of big band music and the scent of cherry tobacco. To most people such an environment would be totally inhospitable, but to a guy like Danny 'The King' Marconi it was home sweet home.
What had started out as a routine night of maintaining his rep quickly escalated into something much more interesting when a stranger literally floated into his domain with over four million in prewar bullion. Being the gracious and opportunistic gambler that he was, the King politely invited her over to his favorite poker table for a friendly game. Regretfully however, things did not go as smoothly as he would have liked, and what should have been an easy mark swiftly turned into an all-out war that raged for several hours.
It was about a quarter to midnight and the two combatants were ready to play their final hand. On one side you had the newcomer, who had already tripled her original investment, and on the other you had the King, who was down to his last eight grand. Was he behind, perhaps, but he wasn't about to give up just yet. Nobody beats the King. Especially not some scrawny little girl in her granny's sunhat.
"So Little Lady, what do you say?" the King asked sleazily. "One last hand; winner take all."
"No thanks." The newcomer answered impishly; much to the King's surprise.
"Come again?"
"Listen, this was fun for like, the first couple hours, but now it's getting old; not to mention kinda sad." She said as she gracefully shoved her winnings into her large burlap sack. "But hey, we should totally do this again someti…"
Before she could finish, the King slammed his fist against the table; demonstrating that he was not amused by her antics.
"Pick up your cards and play, little girl." He said, fixing her with a death glare that could scare the skin off a rhinoceros.
"I said I'm not in the mood." The newcomer retorted; clearly unfazed by his display.
"I don't care. You're not leaving until we play one last hand. All. Or. Nothing."
"Not. Gonna. Happen." She shot back, this time giving him a glare to rival his own. "Besides, I already got everything I need to help kick start my new kingdom. I'm not gonna risk it all for a measly eight grand."
"Then what if I sweeten the pot?"
"Sweeten how?"
"Anything you want, just name it."
"Hmm…" the newcomer hummed as she pondered this for a moment. A few seconds later, a devilish grin threatened to split her face in half. "You wanna bet? Okay, I've got a bet for ya. If you win you get all my winnings, but if I win you become my servant for all eternity."
"Deal."
"Say what?" she replied, clearly thrown for a loop. "Dude, I was just kidding."
"Well I'm not." The King stated boldly. "Your money against my freedom."
"You can't be serious."
"I never joke when it comes to gambling. Gambling is my life!" he said, once again slamming his fist against the table. "Now pick up your cards and say 'all in'!"
The newcomer was visibly shocked by this declaration, but despite her clear objection she obediently picked up the cards, took a quick look at her hand, and said, "Okay, I'm all in."
"Good," the King said with a throaty chuckle. Then he too looked at his hand, just to make double sure that these were indeed the cards he had prepared; one, two, three, four Aces, and a King of Diamonds. Almost too easy. "All in."
XXX
"Stupid Straight Flush." Osiris muttered under his breath for no apparent reason.
"What did you just say?" Set asked angrily; sounding ready to throw down.
"I said… I… I…" the Gambler King stuttered, before clearing his throat and continuing. "I said, my past may not be the most laudable, and my induction into the Vampire Kingdom may not have been under the best circumstances, but since then I have served our Queen faithfully and contributed much to our community at large."
"That is so not what you said." The Trickster King commented derogatorily.
"My point is that I have earned my spot on this council; more so than you have." Osiris spat venomously at his fellow Regent. "Therefore, I feel that I am undeserving of all the abuse I've suffered this evening."
That last comment earned several irritated groans; the loudest of which came from Horus.
"You know nothing about suffering, Gambler King."
XXX
The Palace Guardian's Tale
The dark forest echoed with cries of fear and frustration as the young falcon struggled to free himself from the net that had so tightly entwined him. As he lay there on the cold wet ground, struggling like a fish out of water, he cursed the field mouse that had caught his eye and led him astray. Cursed him, because while he was free to frolic with his mousey brethren, the falcon would soon most likely become a meal for some filthy human; for no other creature hunts with such dishonorable methods, except perhaps spiders.
A sudden rustling in the bushes nearby told the young raptor that his assumption was correct and that soon he would come face to face with the vile human who had set this wicked trap. However, never in all his life would he have predicted what was to happen next.
From out of the rustling bush came a human, as expected, but not the kind he had envisioned. For starters this one was obviously female, what with her long jet-black hair and larger breasts, and from his limited experience with them, most human hunters were male. Secondly, this human had pale skin and pointed ears; far outside the norm for the hairless apes as far as he knew. Lastly, and possibly most importantly, instead of walking this human was crawling towards him on her hands like some kind of reptile. Most peculiar indeed.
"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…" the strange human said in a hushed voice as she continued to drag her body across the forest floor. "I'm sorry… it just hurts too much."
As she moved ever closer, the falcon suddenly noticed how terribly thin this strange human was. Her arms were little more than twigs and her ribs were visible beneath her tattered t-shirt; she looked as though she hadn't eaten in weeks. Also, despite the fact that her long black hair was concealing her face, he could clearly hear her sniffling; it almost sounded like she was crying.
"It wasn't supposed to be this way… I wanted to go with them… but then he had to ruin everything… he made me this way… he made me a monster!" the human rambled, likely half-crazed from starvation. She was very close to him now, and from this distance the falcon could see and hear everything much more clearly. This human wasn't just crying; she was full-blown sobbing. "I tried to control it… tried to ignore it… but the pain just got worse! Drums in my head… acid in my veins… no rest… no peace… only the hunger… and the emptiness!"
The wailing human grabbed the falcon and for a moment he struggled to break free, but he soon stopped once he finally got a good look at her face. Cheeks caved in from hunger, snot dripping profusely from her nostrils, and rivers of tears streaming from eyes so full of pain and sorrow that they were enough to break even a stoic old bird's heart.
"I'm sorry… but I just can't take it anymore… I'm so hungry…" she said as she revealed an imposing set of fangs and slowly started moving them toward his jugular vein. "Please… forgive me."
XXX
"Nothing. At. All."
"Well I respectfully disagree." Orisis replied, his tone more matter-of-fact than caustic. "I have endured many hardships in my life, both before and after becoming a vampire. Some of which were so traumatizing, that the memories of them still rouse me from sleep in a cold sweat to this very day."
"Bologna!" Set declared challengingly, though to his credit the Lumpy Space Man chose not to say what else he thought about the cyclops' story, for fear of being labeled a Potty Mouth.
"Naysay all you like Trickster King, but this time I've got you. This time I can produced a witness." He said boldly, before turning to the dark blue cyclops by his side. "Atum, my dear sweet little brother, please regale these Doubting Thomas' with a few tales from my turbulent youth."
However, what came next was much less of a regaling and more akin to the sound a buzz saw makes when cutting through a piece of petrified wood. Much to the Gambler King's unparalleled annoyance, his kid brother and star witness was still fast asleep on the Regents' table; a small puddle of drool forming right beside his gaping mouth.
"Ugh…" the older cyclops groaned in exasperation. "Why do I even bother?"
XXX
The Game Master's Tale
"I'm breaking up with you." Marceline stated bluntly; without a single trace of mirth or humor in her voice.
This, the young cyclops found particularly distressing, because although she had said those exact words countless times before, never had she said them with such absolute seriousness. It was enough to make him drop his game controller from shock; though not before hastily hitting the pause button first.
"What's that Babe?" he asked in a concerned but halfhearted tone, as he turned his full attention to his apparently former girlfriend.
"You heard what I said, and I'm really sorry." She replied, trying to let him down easy. "But it's just not working out."
"I don't understand. Did I do something wrong?"
"No, it's not that. It's just that, well…" the Vampire Queen said as she searched for just the right way to say what was in her heart without breaking his. "Terry… you're really boring."
To his credit, the cyclops now officially known as Terry took this revelation surprisingly well. In fact, for several moments afterward he didn't react at all; he just sat there with a blank expression, seemingly lost in thought. Then, after what felt like an eternity, he finally replied.
"Yeah, I can see that."
"Hey, don't take this the wrong way man. I mean, you're really sweet and you've got a lot going for you. It's just that you're so…"
"Boring?"
"Dispassionate." Marceline finished, still trying to handle the situation as compassionately as possible. "I mean, you've got brains, but no ambition outside of playing videogames all day. You spend half the time you're not playing games sleeping. And when you're not doing either you act like you're just going through the motions. Heck, I just dumped you and called you boring and all you can say is 'Yeah, I can see that'. Terry, I really like hanging out with you, but I just can't see a future for us together. I hope you can understand that."
"Yeah… I understand." The cyclops replied, his deadpan expression unbroken as he picked his controller back up. "So, do you want next game or what?"
"Ugh…" Marceline sighed exasperatedly before surrendering to her ex's apparently impenetrable emotional wall. "Yeah… why not."
XXX
"…use the green hammer Mar-Mar…" Atum muttered softly as he continued to sleep in an ever-expanding puddle of his own saliva. "It shoots acid…"
"Oh brother…" Osiris moaned to himself as he lightly slammed his hand into his forehead. "I love you dearly, but you do infuriate me so."
"Oh. My. Glob!" shouted Set overdramatically. "Do you have any idea how pretentious you sound?"
Turning his attention back to the Lump Space Man, the elder cyclops wasted no time in resuming their previous shouting match.
"Now look here, Trickster King!" Osiris began boldly. "I've had just enough of your insults!"
"Oh yeah! Well I've had more than enough of you, period!"
"You arrogant little Son of a…"
Whatever scathing remark Osiris had intended for his fellow Regent was quickly forgotten when Sobek struck the marble floor hard with his massive tail; creating a thunderous crack that paralyzed all who heard it.
"That's enough out of both of you." Said the milky-eyed crocodile-man; his tone calm yet stern. "Set, you are a senior member of this council. Even with your proclivities, you should know better than to antagonize one of your fellow Regents. Especially on a day like today."
"I know Sobek," the Lumpy Space Man said bowing his head; sounding genuinely ashamed of himself. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
"See that it doesn't." he replied bluntly before turning his sightless gaze toward the elder cyclops. "And as for you Osiris, your behavior this evening has been absolutely inexcusable. Within the span of eleven minutes your big mouth has either instigated or intensified altercations with not one, but three of your fellow Regents. That is a record, even for you."
Sobek's tone was not aggressive, but his words carried such an edge that Osiris couldn't help but wince with every syllable.
"If it had been anyone else, I'd have chalked it up to cabin fever. We have been waiting here for some time after all." The crocodile-man reasoned. "However, in your case, I can't help but suspect that these actions are deliberate. Perhaps even an elaborate charade to get yourself dismissed from this gathering."
"Really Sobek, you should hear yourself." The elder cyclops interjected in a desperate attempt to defuse the situation. "You sound like some sort of conspiracy nut."
"Don't play innocent Gambler King, it's not a good look for you." Sobek countered firmly. "Even with my eyes, I can see that this whole time you've been acting like an ass, well… more of an ass then usual, in the hopes that one of us would make you leave."
"Why that's… I mean… I didn't… that is to say I…" Osiris stammered as he struggled to find a way out. However, once he realized he'd been cornered, he let out a sigh and then confessed. "Okay, fine! I admit it! I was trying to get thrown out! But so what? The Queen doesn't care about these sorts of things! She never has and she never will! So I doubt she'll care if one of us leaves early!"
"That's where you're wrong." Horus cut in unexpectedly. "The Queen cares for all of us. Even you Gambler King, though don't ask me why. The fact that you're a Regent is proof enough. And although she'd never say it aloud, it would break her heart to see you absent on this night."
"Well you'll forgive me if I don't believe you." The elder cyclops grumbled in reply.
This conversation continued for several more minutes, but the bulk of it was not heard by one Regent. For he was quite lost in his own little world.
'Boring, boring, boring, boring,' thought the silver haired vampire as he continued to draw shapes in the air with his willow branch wand. 'Boring, snoring, touring, zoring, coring. I wish Marcy would show up already. Things are always better when she's around. Heck, she can make even the worst of times feel like a party.'
XXX
The Void Caster's Tale
All the world was darkness.
An inky black void as far as the eye could see.
No Up.
No Down.
No Light.
No Sound.
"Hey, I think he's starting to come around."
Okay, one sound.
"Oh, thank goodness."
Two sounds.
"Is he dead?"
Three.
"Of course he's not dead you idiot! I just said he's coming around."
Four.
"All of you shut up! He's almost awake."
Five.
Five sounds and one blinding white light.
Suddenly, and almost violently, the world returned in an explosion of sound and color. As everything slowly came back into focus, he found himself gasping for air like asthmatic and for a moment he thought he might be dying. But then he felt a gentle touch against his breast, followed by a soothing voice.
"Just relax man, everything's gonna be okay."
Then, like a miracle, he could breathe comfortably again.
"There you go buddy. All better."
With his breathing restored to normal, he could finally focus on figuring out where he was. Though based on the raven-haired angel floating above him, his first guess was heaven.
"Listen, this might hurt a little, but I need you try and say something." The angel asked; her voice like milk and honey. "Can you do that for me?"
Not wanting to refuse such a lovely creature, he attempted to answer 'yes'. However, the only thing that came out was a low, hoarse sounding croak. In his state of shock and horror he reached for his throat and, to his further surprise, he felt two small puncture marks in the side of his neck. The angel saw his fearful expression and her hopeful smile faded away.
"I was afraid this might happen." She said, sounding genuinely crestfallen. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Your throat was torn open, and you were bleeding so much. I… I thought that if I turned you, then maybe I could transfer some of my healing powers into you and save your life. But I… I guess I couldn't fix everything."
It was then that the angel began to weep and as her salty tears rained down upon him, he felt his heart ache for her.
"No, Your Majesty, please don't cry." Said a new voice, as its owner, a tall anthropomorphic bird-man, stepped into few and wiped the tears from the angel's streaming eyes. "This is not your fault. You did everything you could to save him. It's those beastly goblins who should feel sorry, not you."
"He's right!" an equally tall dog-man shouted from across the room. "Those goblins are animals! Going around pillaging towns and murdering children like they own the world. Someone should put them in their place!"
"I say we go down to the Goblin Kingdom and slaughter every last one of those monsters!" shouted a slovenly pig-man he hadn't noticed before.
Suddenly the angel ceased her weeping and after a few quick sniffles her expression shifted from sorrowful to something much more demonic.
"Ya know, that's not a bad idea." She said as a sinister smile spread across her face. "Horus, you stay here and tend to our new friend. Anubis, you and Karnak come with me. I say it's high time we pay the Goblin King a little visit."
And with that said, the angel flew out of the room with her cohorts in tow; cackling madly as she went.
"Hey guys! Guess what we're having for dinner tonight!"
XXX
'With just a few words she can turn tragedy into triumph, and sorrow into bliss. She's like a goddess of love and happiness all wrapped up in a gorgeous ebony ribbon.' The vampire mage thought pleasantly as he continued to play with his willow wand. 'Though she can be a bit slow at times. I wish she'd hurry up and get here already so we can start this thing. All this waiting is starting to drive me up the…'
Suddenly his thoughts came to a grinding halt as his extra sensitive ears picked up a series of faint but oh-so familiar sounds. A dopey grin soon spread across his face.
"Sol-I-Dar-I-Ty!" Sobek shouted adamantly at the elder cyclops. "That is the credo of the Regents. It means we either act as one or not at all. So it matters not what you do or what you say, Gambler King. We are all staying here until the Queen arrives so we can…"
TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP!
In less than an instant all other arguments, all other thoughts, were put on hold as everyone who could turned toward the source of this most irritating of noises. To nobody's surprise, the sound was being made by the silver haired mage, who was rapidly tapping his willow wand against the oaken table; an obvious ploy for attention, but an effective one nonetheless.
"Alright Shu, you have our attention." Said Horus, sounding only mildly irritated. "Now, what's so important?"
Wasting no time, Shu raised up his willow branch wand and began writing a series of letters in the air; leaving behind a glowing purple trail as he did. By the time he was finished, a short but concise message was left floating in midair for all to see.
SHE'S HERE!
Just then, they all heard another strange sound, and their eyes all darted to the door on the far end of the room. Even in the inky blackness that surrounded them, their enhanced vampiric senses allowed them to see exactly what was happening; the door's brass knob was beginning to turn.
"It's the Queen!" exclaimed Horus with hushed excitement.
"Everyone to your places! Quickly!" added Sobek, with equally controlled elation.
With a soft creek, the door opened, allowing a shaft of light to penetrate the dark miasma that filled the room. And through that shaft of light, a silhouette emerged.
"Hey guys, sorry I took so long." Said the silhouette; its voice like wild honey dripping from a tree. "After the movie Simon wanted ice cream, and the guy running the place was a total donkus so I had to…"
CLICK!
"SURPRISE!" all the Regents shouted as the darkened room suddenly filled with light. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOUR HIGHNESS!"
In less than an instant, all of the shadows and gloom that had previously permeated the Regent's Court were replaced by presents, balloons, and succulent red velvet cupcakes. And perhaps more importantly, the honey voiced silhouette was replaced by the Vampire Queen herself; in all her regal splendor.
There she stood, or rather floated, her long raven flowing almost past her ankles and her pale flawless skin practically glistening in the new light. She was dressed all in black, from the simple sandals that adorned her dainty feet, to the asymmetrical skirt that showed off her lovely legs, right down to the simple t-shirt imprinted with the image of a golden ankh that displayed her perfect tummy. Upon each wrist she wore a simple golden band, while encircling her head was an ornate ring of gold adorned with the figurehead of a hissing cobra.
To put it simply, the Vampire Queen looked positively ravishing.
"Aww, you guys," she said warmly as she looked on at her loyal subjects; a smile on her face and a slight pinkish hue on her cheeks. "You shouldn't have."
End Notes:
Holy Hell! That took forever to write. You guys have no idea. Anyway, I hoped you all enjoyed this first chapter. Like I said before, this is an anthology of one-shots that all take place in this little AU I've created. I don't know when I'll update, but I do have ideas for 3 other chapters at the moment. One involves how Marcy reconnects with the Ice King after not seeing him for almost one thousand years. Another revolves around Marceline and PBs complicated past and relationship. And the last one tells the story of how Marceline meets Finn and Jake in this reality. Not sure which I'll do first or when I'll do them. But if any of you out there have questions or suggestions just let me know. Anyway, I hope everyone had a festive holiday season and let's all try to make 2016 the best year ever. Peace.