Title: underneath our bones
Summary: A little honesty goes a long way. Or, Masaomi decides to tell Mikado about the Yellow Scarves.
Pairings: Mikado/Masaomi is endgame, with some mentions of Masaomi/Saki.
Notes: Hurray, I finally wrote (and finished!) something longer! This is a three parter, so there will be two more chapters after this. I'm still editing those, but the drafts are done, anyhow. Expect updates the next two weekends. :)
Also known as: the Raira trio makes Good Decisions fic.
Chapter One: Masaomi
Masaomi wanted Mikado to come to Ikebukuro so he could take his mind off things. With Mikado there, he doesn't have to think about Saki, about the Yellow Scarves, about the informant in Shinjuku who he now knows can orchestrate someone's downfall with a well-placed word or two.
He just wants to be a best friend again, a normal high schooler with more crushes than he can count on both his hands, with jokes so terrible the only person laughing is himself. (Not that it doesn't mean he doesn't feel elated whenever Mikado's lips so much as twitch upwards whenever he cracks one of his so-called awful jokes, though.)
But the exact moment when Masaomi lets his presence be known in Ikebukuro Station, and Mikado glances his way – that moment makes his heart jump a little in his chest. It makes him smile a little wider than usual, and loudly proclaim how much Mikado is going to like this place.
As he expected, his best friend is still the awkward and blushing boy Masaomi left behind in Saitama years ago. At least some things never change, he fondly thinks. While they walk up to the main street, and he has to resist throwing an arm around his him (he's actually here, Mikado is really here!), he tells stories about his life here instead. Well, they're not really stories if they're real life urban legends, right? And Mikado is about to encounter them for the first time.
This precious moment, though, he still has wide-eyed Mikado all to himself, hanging on to his every word.
He can't ignore reality forever, though. He can't deny seeing the spark of curiosity in Mikado's eyes whenever the colour gangs are mentioned. Not even when the noise of the city threatens to drown the both of them out does he lose awareness. (If he lets go now, he fears Mikado will be lost to him again, and that's the last thing he wants.)
The first night Mikado is here, he smiles, and points, and makes a fool of himself (a little), and he introduces Mikado to the best allies he can possibly have in this concrete jungle. Kadota and his gang are good people; unlike some others, he thinks with a grimace.
By the time they say goodnight, Kida Masaomi knows he's made the right decision, by asking (well, persuading) Mikado to come live in Ikebukuro. And if push comes to shove, he'll keep him safe. He knows he can, this time around.
A few days later, Masaomi spots Sonohara Anri almost immediately when they enter the gym hall for the entrance ceremony. She has the same habit Mikado does of hiding behind others, except she seems to have no one to hide behind. Not anymore, at least.
When Masaomi glances at his best friend, he has to admit that perhaps Mikado has grown so much he no longer needs Masaomi to hide behind. Maybe he himself left some part of the best friend Mikado knows so well behind in Saitama, he thinks, and absent-mindedly glances over the crowd of girls. Yes, yes, no, yes, no, maybe? Ah, so many beautiful girls, and so little time. He idly wonders who he should ask out first, wonders if it counts if he would date multiple girls simultaneously. He wonders what Mikado would think or say about that.
He stops his train of thought. Mikado doesn't have a bad bone in his body, and would never think badly of his best friend. Although, maybe he would if he knew what his best friend had done, what he was responsible for, and how the only thing he seemed to be good at these days was running away.
It would be best if Mikado never found out about those things, he decides then and there. If he could spare him the hurt, Masaomi would gladly shoulder the burden alone. He's the one to blame, after all.
He doesn't expect to change his mind, and definitely not this soon, but he finds himself running into Kadota just a few days later when he's standing outside the hospital again, debating on whether to go inside or not.
"That friend of yours," Kadota says to him when he stops to talk to him, "he doesn't know anything about what happened with your gang, does he?"
"No," Masaomi admits, and he can't bring up the enthusiasm to sound cheerful. He suspects Kadoto can see right through him anyway. "I'm afraid it'll change everything between us."
"As it should," Kadota says, "I believe you might not be the person he thinks you are. Or are you?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" He tries to grin, but it feels more painful than ever.
"Just tell him," Kadota advises. "If he truly is your friend, he'll understand. If he's not..." The rest is implied, and Masaomi swallows thickly when Kadota takes his leave. It's not as if he doesn't want to tell Mikado, but he's... scared. Downright terrified, really. What if Mikado no longer wants to be friends? He's afraid to see the look in Mikado's eyes, and the disappointment he'll inevitably find there.
However, the day they rescue Anri from her bullies, and Mikado is introduced to Orihara Izaya... Masaomi knows what he has to do. Izaya's eyes slide over to him, the slight hint of a smirk playing on his lips, and while Masaomi would never admit out loud the guy scares him, in some way he's still afraid to meet Izaya's eyes. As if he can see straight into his soul.
The situation gets even worse when Heiwajima Shizuo shows up, and, although Masaomi doesn't know this from personal experience, he does know that getting on Shizuo's bad side is a really bad idea. Mikado gets the message when a vending machine is casually thrown by him, straight into Izaya, and moments later he runs off with Anri-chan before Masaomi can even get a word in edgewise. (On the other hand, seeing Simon and Shizuo fight is definitely worth the high risk of getting injured while watching, which he does, albeit from a safe distance.)
That night, he mulls over his options, and chews on his lower lip for so long it's sore when he's made his decision. It'd be best to get it out of the way as soon as possible, he knows. Mikado has to hear it come out of his own mouth, because from the tongue of anyone else, it might as well be a lie. Kadota is right. He usually is, but that doesn't stop Masaomi from worrying. Mikado doesn't truly know him until he tells him this, he realises.
It's not as if he hasn't noticed the new appearance of yellow on the streets, teens loudly proclaiming how they're part of the Yellow Scarves. Whenever he sees or hears them, he just bows his head and ignores them. Mikado is still innocently oblivious to his surroundings, Masaomi thinks as they walk home, passing multiple people wearing yellow somewhere on their bodies. It could be much worse, though. He could be asking all kinds of intrusive questions, questions he doesn't know the answer to.
(And even if he does, he's not sure if he wants to answer those types of questions.)
"Hey, Mikado," he says, when he's gotten close enough to his place to say goodbye to one another. "You want to hang out tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow? Um, sure."
Tomorrow's a Saturday, so there should be nothing to interfere Kida's plans, excepting his own traitorous mind, of course. "Well, see ya tomorrow," he calls out, salutes his best friend, and takes off, before he manages to run his mouth off and says something before he's ready to.
When he gets home, thoughts run through his mind like a freight train, and he wonders how he is even supposed to do this? Should he just walk up to his friend and say, 'Hey Mikado, just so you know, I used to be in a gang, but it's totally fine because I quit ages ago'? It seems like a lie, despite the fact that it's the truth. Is deliberately leaving out facts lying? How much should he say, how much should he leave out?
It's the only thing he can think about all night. By the time morning comes around, he has barely slept at all. He blearily blinks against the light, and puts his head underneath the covers with the misplaced hope he might still fall asleep that way.
With a sigh, he drags himself out of bed a few minutes later, straight into the shower; at least the hot water manages to wake him up a little. When he's dried himself off, he slips his hoodie over his head and shivers a bit, because his hair is still dripping and getting his clothes wet. He tries to prolong leaving as long as he can with eating breakfast and watching television but Mikado texts him close to eleven to ask when he's coming over, and with his heart beating loudly in his ears he texts back, 'I'll be there in a sec'.
There's really no way to get around it now, he knows, so he puts on his shoes and is out the door before he has even more second thoughts. Mikado's place isn't far from his own, and he tries not to dawdle on his way there – although he does contemplate stepping into a mini market and getting a chocolate bar, just so he can potentially soften the blow later.
He hardly has time to knock on the door before Mikado opens up. "I almost expected you to be waiting outside for me when you sent me that text," his friend admits when he shuts the door behind them.
"Ah, I see my incredible amazingness precedes me, as always!"
"...I do not think that means what you think it means, Kida-kun."
In order to distract himself, Masaomi decides to raid Mikado's fridge – not that there's much to raid. He holds up the single egg and half-empty carton of milk in disappointment. "Really, Mikado, I expected you to take better care of yours- your guests."
"I could bake you an egg?" Mikado suggests. "Or- or I could boil it. Or scramble it? I once saw a recipe on the internet about poached eggs."
Masaomi carefully places the egg and milk back in the fridge. "It's alright. I can live without your egg." Secretly, he thinks it's sweet how Mikado tries to make him comfortable.
Mikado also comes across as a bit nervous for some reason, but Masaomi is nothing but good at conversation. "So, you and Anri-chan, huh?"
Well, that and teasing Mikado. It seems that's something he's not going to grow out of. Seeing Mikado blush in embarrassment never gets old.
"I- It's not like that at all, Kida-kun," he stammers, and Masaomi wiggles his eyebrows, causing Mikado to turn an even darker shade of red. He'll probably hit the colour of a stop-sign soon if he so much as mentions Anri again, he guesses.
"Anyway," he continues. "Did I tell you yet I almost went out on a date two days ago, Mikado?"
"Two days ago? You mean, when we ran into Orihara-san?"
Masaomi internally winces. "Yep, that's the day! Anyway, after you so heroically swept Anri off her feet, I ran into a girl who desperately needed the amazing Kida Masaomi to help her out, but unfortunately she left before she could give me her phone-number! And I was certain we were meant to be!" Masaomi sighs dramatically.
"...Did any of that really happen?" Mikado wonders out loud. At least he's not as gullible as Masaomi thought he was. "And I didn't sweep Sonohara-san off her feet, Masaomi," Mikado adds.
"And here I thought you'd take this opportunity! Mikado, you have much to learn," Masaomi says, and smiles. If he doesn't say anything now, though, he fears he never will. So it's now or never. "I just thought..."
When he trails off and can't stop himself from looking away, Mikado says, "Thought what?"
"I thought it would be better, with you here," Masaomi admits. "Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have asked you to come if you weren't my best friend, and it's amazing that you're here, but…"
"I'm not sure if I understand what you're saying..." Mikado slowly says, looking a little confused. Masaomi can't blame him.
"I guess I'm just a little selfish." he nervously laughs. "There are... some things about me that I haven't told you about. But I think I'm ready to tell you now."
It's the first time he's been able to speak with someone openly about what happened, and Mikado doesn't interrupt him while he speaks – he only encourages him to go on when he has to stop to gather his thoughts, or when his throat gets too tight and he has to swallow his fears and anger and grief away. He tells Mikado about the start of the Yellow Scarves, about Izaya, about the Blue Squares. Words tumble out of his mouth like a waterfall, and his eyes start burning after just a few minutes have passed.
"Kida-kun..." Mikado softly says when he can no longer speak, and Masaomi wonders if this is the last moment he can consider them friends – but then Mikado scoots forward and wraps his arms around him. "I'm sorry," he says near Masaomi's ear.
"For what?" Masaomi says.
"That this happened to you. That I wasn't here for you. I know how hard it can be to… to keep things to yourself."
It's the first time Masaomi even considers that Mikado might have secrets of his own. Even now, it's hard to imagine that this boy wrapped around him has words in his head that he has never dared to tell his best friend. (But yeah, Masaomi definitely knows how hard it is, to keep a secret.)
"Can I show you something?" Mikado asks when he leans back, but it's not really a question. He still has his hands on Masaomi's shoulders while he looks him in the eye, and Masaomi knows he wants him to say yes.
Mikado crawls over to the sad excuse for a low table next to the window, where his computer sits. He pats the floor next to him to indicate he wants Masaomi to sit next to him. "I got really interested in computers when you left," he explains, "mostly because I wanted to keep in touch with you. At first, anyway."
"At first?" Masaomi asks, having settled himself beside Mikado.
"Let me show you," Mikado says, and types in an address. Masaomi is surprised to find the Dollars website pops up, asking for a password.
"You... you actually joined them?" To be honest, this is one of the last things he expected Mikado to want to show him.
Mikado nervously laughs. "Not... exactly." He baffles Masaomi even more, however, when he proceeds to type in the password, and then logs in on the website itself. "I didn't just come to Ikebukuro because you convinced me to come, Kida-kun." Mikado's gaze is fixed on the screen while he types. "I guess I was... curious, as well. While I always knew that people who lived here had joined the Dollars, I hadn't really realised how much they'd become a part of daily life, and how much everyone actually knew about them."
"So you'd already joined them before you came here?" Masaomi asks, and he hopes he's wrong, even if all the signs point to it.
"From the start," Mikado admits, and he finally looks at Masaomi again. He turns the laptop into his direction. Masaomi leans forward, and bits his lip. The account on display is for someone named admin.
"You're the leader of the Dollars." There's a knot forming in the pit of Masaomi's stomach, and he swallows heavily.
"Well, the Dollars don't really have a leader. They can't, without a hierarchy. The people who I made the Dollars with, maybe they saw themselves as leaders, but… They all disappeared, one by one, and now I'm the only one left. I just keep the website clean and up to date, mostly," Mikado explains. "We never meant any harm when we started out, though…"
"Look where that got us," Masaomi sighs. "both of us in charge of an uncontrollable mass. I don't even recognise some people on the street wearing yellow. When I first started the Yellow Scarves, the people who joined me were my friends. I guess we just wanted to be cool, make a name for ourselves." He smiles briefly when he feels Mikado squeeze his hand.
"I'm glad you told me, Masaomi. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this any sooner, either. I… didn't want to bother you with it, I guess." Mikado glances back at the screen, but he's frowning while he does it.
"I'm glad I did, too," Masaomi says, "and then you drop a bomb like that. Warn a guy, will you?" Mikado hastily apologises (again), like he typically does when he's flustered or embarrassed.
The knot sitting in his stomach is slowly unwinding, although he still needs some time to put his thoughts back in order. All this time, both he and Mikado have essentially been having the same kind of problem. Well, perhaps not exactly the same, but they are (or had been) both leaders, somehow. "So, what do the Dollars really do?" he finally asks. While he often hears rumours about them, he's never had anyone outright tell him that they're with the colourless gang – with the exception of Mikado, but he doesn't think being outright told they founded the Dollars really counts – so sometimes it's hard to gauge how many people have really joined them, and whether they get up to anything at all.
"Well, I guess it started because I, and some other people, wanted to make a difference. Imagine our surprise when it actually worked. It excited me, that people could still look out for each other, and do kind things for one another. I could hardly believe that we could set up a group that entirely worked that way. To pay it forward. At some point it all grew a bit unwieldy, there were passwords being leaked and I had no idea who was doing it. Not everyone that joins the Dollars has the same… vision, though. But even though I run the site, I'm not really in charge – we're supposed to police ourselves. It just doesn't always work out that way..."
"Tell me about it," Masaomi mumbles, leaning his elbow on Mikado's table and resting his chin in his hand. "No matter how many times you tell people not to do something, there'll always be one person who disregards what you said." They look at each other for a moment. "So... we're okay?"
"Of course," Mikado says, and he smiles, more confidently than he did before. "How would you feel about, um, joining?"
"You mean, the Dollars?" Masaomi asks, because he had not seen that question coming.
"Yeah. I could share the password with you, if you'd like."
"I don't think that's a good idea." How can he justify joining another gang if he still feels guilty about what happened to Saki? He can't control what Mikado does, but he isn't willing to put himself back into that kind of life.
Mikado doesn't pressure him, though, and Masaomi is grateful for that. It feels like a weight has dropped off his shoulders; he feels more carefree and true to himself. He's relieved when he leaves Mikado's place, and, for the first time since the accident, he considers going to the hospital and visiting Saki.
Instead of going home, that's the direction he turns to.
It takes a while to reach the hospital, but eventually, he finds himself standing in the same place he always stands, looking up at her window, where he knows she can see him. This time, however, he strides forward, to the glass revolving doors, and although his heart is thumping loudly, he thinks he can face her this time around.
She looks just as he remembers her. Her expression open and carefree, but brave as well, as she hardly seems to be bothered by her injuries. "Masaomi," she says when she sees him, her smile brightening.
"Hi," he says, lingering in the door opening. "I, um, was in the neighbourhood."
She tilts her head slightly, smiles broadly, and indicates he should take a seat next to her. "I'm glad you're here," she says. "I knew you came to see me – but up close is much better, really."
Nothing seems to deter this girl. To her, he did not stay away, because she could see that he came, even if he could not bring up the strength to visit her right her, in this little room. With shaky knees he sits down on the chair beside her bed, and his eyes burn while his hands curl into fists.
"It's okay." One of Saki's hands drops on his own, and when he looks up she sits turned towards him, her eyes slightly more watery than he expects. "I'm glad you're here," she repeats and firmly squeezes his hand.
"How do you..." he starts. "I mean, are you in any pain?"
"Not really," she says, "the medication helps, you see. And the doctors say I'm progressing nicely."
"That's good," he whispers, and he wants to ask, 'have you had any other visitors?'. But in all honesty he doesn't want to know whether Izaya came to see her or not.
From that day on, he vows to visit her every day, to tell her about what was happening at school, in the neighbourhood. It feels like he is finally reconciling some part of himself he didn't know he had lost in the first place.
"I'd like to meet this friend of yours," Saki says one afternoon, a book held open in her hands, "you talk a lot about him."
"Do I?" Masaomi wonders out loud. She nods and then asks him if he wants to hear the next passage in her book, "you'd find it funny, I think". In the hospital, she has all the time in the world to read, and when he asks her why she confesses that it makes her feel less alone.
"I know you can't be here all the time, and this way, I can still have adventures. Like we used to, Masaomi."
"You really think they were adventures?"
"You have to admit, it's never boring with you around," she says with a wink. She doesn't ask again for him to bring Mikado around, but he asks his friend if he would like to come to the hospital with him anyway.
"Of course," Mikado readily agrees, and while they've both been busy with their own things these past few weeks, it's not a gesture of pretence when he throws an arm around Mikado's shoulder in gratitude.
Saki and Mikado take to each other like a well-made sandwich, and even though Mikado still gets flustered easily in the presence of a girl (although, that's mostly if said girl is named Sonohara Anri) he's easily able to join in their conversations, and even tells Saki some embarrassing stories about their childhood together.
"You never told me any of those things, Masaomi," she teases, and he feels heat creep up from his collar.
"Are you blushing?" Mikado asks, and yes, by now Masaomi definitely is. He's about to retort when there's a knock on the door, and before anyone can say anything, it opens, and Masaomi finds himself looking at Orihara Izaya.
He looks from Mikado to Masaomi, and then at Saki. "Am I interrupting something?"
Masaomi stands up so quickly his chair falls over, loudly. "No," he says, much louder than he thought he would. "You're not interrupting anything! In fact, Mikado and I were just leaving, weren't we, Mikado?" His friend looks confused for a moment or two, until he catches on to his friend's discomfort and quickly gathers his things.
Masaomi almost falls over himself (and then nearly trips over Mikado) when he tries to hurry out of the room (and Mikado, the polite pansy, stands still to bow and say 'It was nice to see you again, Orihara-san'), and on a whim he turns around to face Saki and kisses her on the cheek. "Bye, Masaomi!" she cheerfully says, and he waves just before he's out the door.
They don't say much to each other on the way down in the elevator, but once they've exited the hospital, Mikado says, "You don't like him much, do you?"
"You mean Izaya?" Mikado nods. "I suppose not."
"So, why does he still visit her?" And it's a logical question to ask. By all accounts, Saki should be angry with him, for being one of the causes of her injuries, but she doesn't have a cruel bone in her body. Masaomi suspects she'd even forgive her assailants, if they came to beg for it. Not that he would ever allow them to come near her again.
"I think she still considers them to be friends," he slowly says, while they walk away. "Though she's smart enough to know he's only using her."
"To get to you?"
"Not just me. He likes playing with people, and seeing their reactions. I liked her, and care about her. And when those guys attacked her, because of me... You can't imagine how guilty I felt. I still do, but... I know she's forgiven me. Doesn't even blame me, actually. I don't know how she does it. But Izaya? He revels in that kind of thing."
"You're a good person, Masaomi," Mikado says, and he looks up at him. "And I know she believes that as well. Don't pay mind to someone like him. So, unless you'd rather have me smack some sense into that thick head of yours..." He grins, and Masaomi grins back.
It doesn't matter what Izaya does, now. He has Mikado. He has Saki back. He's gained a new friend in Anri. Kida Masaomi believes he can handle the world a little better, today.