DISCLAIMER: JUST A FUNNY RANDOM IDEA I GOT. I DON'T OWN SOUL EATER
How Soul had gotten this job eluded him. However, according to Lord Death, Spirit, and Stien this was a requirement he had to face as a death scythe. Maka smiled kissing his cheek before taking her normal seat and placing her bag in Soul's empty spot. Today he is being forced to teach class cresent moon.
"Alright class, as part of Soul's death scythe training he will be teaching this class for the day so pay attention." Stien ordered as all eyes rested on the scythe infront of class. It was not the fact that he had a phobia of large audiences; he did come from an aristocratic family of performing musicians, but he had no idea what to teach. He had slept through most of his lessons. That morning during breakfast he had asked Maka for help earning a 'just use what you know' speech from her.
"K, class today I'm going to teach you about…" shit, what did he know? Quickly he ran through the possibilities of all he knew. Maka's time of the month? No, he liked his brain cells. Maka's breast? On second thought no to that too. He had to think of something quick, he had already explained the way you could tell what kind of author wrote a book by it hitting your head. He had done it as a report Stien had given them. Suddenly and idea popped in his head.
"Today I will teach about our impending doom of the zombie apocalypse. Sid and Nygus have already begun the process." Maka's head hit the desk unbelieving of what her weapon had just announced. Soul quickly went to work as he wrote on the board. When he finished Maka felt herself taking notes.
ZOMBIE EMERGENCY PROCEDURE
IN CASE OF ZOMBIE APOCALYPS
95% OF ALL KNOWN ZOMBIES CAN BE STOPPED BY DECAPITATION OR DYSTROYING THE BRAIN. AIM YOUR DESPRATE, IMPROVISED WEAPON AT THE HEAD AND NECK.
DO NOT SLIP UP:
SOMEONE WILL GET KILLED, TURN INTO A ZOMBIE AND THE NEXT PERSON TO SEE THM WILL GO "OH, IT'S MY FRIENDS. I'LL JUST TURN MY BACK AND OH GOD WHY IS HE EATING MY BRAIN!
DO NOT USE FIRE:
THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN UNDEAD HORDES TRYING TO EAT YOUR BRAIN IS UNDEAD HORDES TRYING TO EAT YOUR BRAIN WHILE ON FIRE
"These techniques will save your life in case flesh eating monsters come to your neighborhood." Soul explained as he took a seat on the desk corner. Blackstar raised his hand for once. To everyone's surprise, he had actually been paying attention.
"What happens if we're playing basketball and one shows up?" the assassin asked in a serious voice. Maka sighed she was surrounded by idiots.
"You're a great friend but if zombies are chasing us I'm tripping you." Soul said before eyeing the crowd for the next question. This time Ox was the one to raise an unsteady hand.
"How do we know a flesh eating zombie is in the area?" Maka's rival mused hoping to trip up the weapon. Maka laughed knowing the boys plan. Soul knew zombies like he knew her monthlies.
"I'm a zombie hunter if you see me running try to get up." The weapon replied going to the next person.
"Will animals become zombies as well?" Kim asked in hopes of her raccoon witch abilities protecting her.
"Zombie squirrels will feast on your nuts boy's. So if your girlfriend brings home a new pet that keeps eyeing you, run." Soul instructed as he went back to the board. By now, the whole class was taking notes and Stien was realizing that they seemed more involved with this lesson than his dissections.
"And this is what I think about Christianity." The scythe said before moving so the class could see he's rant.
CHRISTIANITY: The belief that some cosmic Jewish zombie can make you live forever, if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree...make sense?
Even Maka could not argue with that logic. Kid was next to ask a question though it was an odd one.
"Does zombie hunting require coffee?" Soul paused before clearing his throat. The class leaned in hoping for a more important reason.
"Yes, getting up early to fight zombies still require coffee." And with that he took one last look at the class hopeful to see anymore questionnaires. Maka held the place for the next question as Soul nodded for her to start.
"What do we have to have for a zombie apocalypse safety kit?" she asked holding her pen at the ready. Soul smiled as he once again returned to the board.
EMERGENCY SUPPLIES:
FOOD
WATER
SHOTGUN
AMMO
A HELL OF A LOT OF AMMO
The class was quick to write that down as Stien tapped the scythes shoulder.
"Yes sir?" the albino asked.
"And do you want zombies to attack?" the scientist asked.
"The hardest part about a zombie apocalypse will be pretending I'm not excited." Soul smirked. Later that evening as Spirit and Stien sat down for one of Marie's dinners Stien bowed his head.
"Stien what are you doing?" Spirit asked curiously, as Marie watched intrigued.
"I'm praying for the zombie apocalypse so that i don't have to work tomorrow." He answered bluntly, as his comrades ate in confused silence.