It was a bright, sunny day in the city of Planeptune. It was a glorious day to everyone, and by everyone, I mean Danny Dorito, the most handsome man to ever live.
And by handsome, I mean ugly. By sunny, I mean that the dreary sky was full of tracer rounds and flak explosions. And by glorious, I mean awful, considering that everyone was dying to death in the most gruesome of ways.
The skyscrapers that the City of Purple Progress were most proud of had collapsed the day before, as missiles had already shot them into mounds of dust, metal girders and rubble.
Coughing civilians, among which was the one and only Danny Dorito, littered the grey Planeptune rubble-scape. With shouts in the air and explosions down the street, things seemed pretty bad.
So what was even happening you ask? Well, long story short-
In an instant, the narrator was shot and collapsed to the ground, blood pouring out of multiple gunshot wounds to the abdomen. Leaning against a fallen mailbox, the narrator gasped and weezed.
"My goddess!"
Danny Dorito knelt down beside the narrator, who ceased narrating in lue of coughing up blood. With his scraped knees grinding into the street, Danny held up the dying head of the narrator.
"Tell my wife…" The Narrator gasped, a spittle of blood sploshing onto Danny's right cheek. "Tell my wife I hated her cooking... "
And then, taking one last breath, the Narrator died, and the rest of the story, with it.
Danny Dorito broke out into tears for the man he never knew. But he couldn't grieve when he never knew the man, only knowing him to be the 'Narrator' due to the dinky name tag above his breast pocket. Although he wished to remain there longer, the engine of a tank started grinding down the street.
It wasn't long before the tank would arrive to shoot whoever moved, so Danny did the smart thing and flung himself under the body of the Narrator, hoping that he would be mistaken for another casualty.
As soon as he scrambled beneath the blood soaked corpse, Danny held his breath. From there he had a good line of sight down the road, to where the tank would arrive. Although it was stuffy, cramped, stunk of blood and underarm sweat, Danny was glad to be hiding.
The sound of boots slapping pavement drew closer, and Danny squinted at the approaching infantry.
This wasn't Planeptune- Danny wasn't very smart, but he knew that Planeptune didn't like tanks. After all, why have a military when the CPU can do everything for you?
The soldiers radiated the essence of Chad, strutting down the road with assault rifles in arm and plate armor on their chests. Metal plate armor! Whoever assigned them this armor must really know what they're doing. Right?
The slits in their harrowingly metal helmets allowed their eyes to peer into the desecrated street, weapons scanning the sidewalks and crumbling alleyways for any movement.
All of a sudden, a child stood up, pushing a piece of rebar off his frail little body. Shakily on his feet, the child looked no older than ten- until a soldier shot him square in the chest.
With a crack of his gun and the sound of bullet on flesh, the child slapped against the pavement like a fish.
"Target down!" The soldier shouted, waving for his comrades to follow suit.
As the soldier marched onwards, armor clinking and clanking to the beat of his incandescent feet, the tank strode down behind them.
However, Danny was confused.
A man's head poked out of the top of the armored vehicle, looking more confused than Danny did. With a frown visible through his raised visor, he spoke cautiously.
"Now… this isn't Welze…"
Almost instantly, a soldier beside the tank stood still, and the tank itself came to a sudden halt.
"You were the one assigned to directions. You fool!"
The visor-less man pulled himself halfway out of the tank, revealing an armored torso. With a pistol in hand, he pointed it at the footsoldier. After a tense second with only the sound of engine running to accompany the men, the leader tossed his pistol at the footsoldier.
"Alright lads, we're turning around. Looks like someone got us lost."
"But Generalissimo Cavaliere!" The footsoldier stammered, pleading to his leader. "The map was fourty years old!"
"There's no excuses for subordinance. Now, men, back the way we came!"
With one last shout, the convoy begrudgingly started turning around. Footsoldiers sighed as they reformed their formations in the other direction, eager to get back home after an exhausting day of genociding all the enemies of the state.
"Hobos…" Cavaliere muttered, the top of his head peeking out of the tank. "We would be halfway to sacking another city by now, but nooooo… we had to take a wrong turn…"
As the patrol turned around through the devastated city, a flash of light shot out from the horizon. Purple light.
"My god, it's the CPU!" A soldier cried, steadying himself and his weapon against the new threat.
With a burst of wind, the Goddess came to a halt. CPU Purple Heart floated in the air before the tank, sword in hand.
"Stop! As invaders to my nation, your fate is seal-"
The tank shot the slow flying woman with an APFSDS shell, the giant spear-like projectile piercing the winds and interrupted her monologue.
With a severe bruise above her belly button, Purple Heart exclaimed an expletive.
"Hey! It's only courtesy to allow your oppone-"
Another round fired with a bellowing plume of smoke and sound, the tank round catching the CPU by surprise.
"If it's a fight you want, it's a fight you get!" Purple Heart shouted in anger, appalled that she would be interrupted so rudely.
"No! Peace is good, we are all peace-loving people here." Cavaliere pointed out, extending an arm.
"Really? So why did you invade my city, marauders?" She demanded, holding out her sword.
"It was an accident. A miscalculated accident." Cav nodded firmly.
"It doesn't matter if this is an accident or not. You killed my people, and that is to be met with your submission!"
"We can discuss terms at the conference, Lady. When is a good time for you?"
Fuming, the Goddess frowned.
"Y-you think you can get away with this, just like that?"
"Yes. Those are the rules. And I accept your unconditional surrender."
"M-my surrender?" Purple Heart exclaimed, bewildered. "If anything, your surrender will be the one we will be discussing… erm…"
"Lord-Castellan Cavaliere de Milan, Oath Breaker of Lowee, and Bane of the Church of Nep Nep, and Proud Servant of Lady White Heart, Bane of Hobos, and just today, conqueror of Arenthia, a shitty third world cesspool to your north. You should be thankful."
Even more confused now, Purple Heart tried to say something, only to be left with a lack of words.
"Lord-Castellan Cavaliere de Milan, why did you invade my city, besieging it for almost a week?"
Cavaliere blinked, thinking deeply for a moment. Coming up with a satisfactory answer, he spoke with an aura of confidence and boldness.
"Because I thought I could. And I did." He turned to the map-wielding footsoldier. "No thanks to you!"
Humiliated and insulted, Purple Heart decided that time for talking was over. Raising her sword to strike, she prepared to say one final line.
Opening her mouth to speak, she was immediately caught by a WP tank round.
With a burning hunk of white metal fuming in her mouth like acidic gas, Purple Heart struggled to get the high-velocity shell out of her mouth.
In the time that they bought, another round was loaded. This time it was a more explosive shell.
With yet another shot, Purple Heart was blown away, somewhere far off into the distance, never to be seen for the next few days.
With a despairing sigh, Cav ordered the tank to return home, away from Planeptune.
As the soldiers walked away, Danny Dorito poked his head from under the arm of the narrator.
Until a soldier, one who was looking behind him like a responsible soldier, shot Danny in the face. Blood was everywhere.
The end.
This is a mistake! You can all go home now.
If you know who I am and would like to read on to an egregious author's note, please do!
The fabled Zergface returns to the absolutely degenerate HDN archive with a tumor to puke onto a dying land. I mean, really guys? I didn't know that we could get so much originality out here. So much... why...
Anyways, I've been busy and unable to write for a hell of a long time, which does suck for all of y'all looking for some exceptionally qualified content here. Rest assured, if you're not already in the Official HDN Fanfiction Discord and have no idea what I've been up to, I'm here to tell you now.
Finals is absolute trash, the Suicide Hotline is a bigger commitment than I anticipated, college time boyos, and I'm joining the army at like 2 years old bc GASP! The United States uses child soldiers!
Among many other things, its been a fun time. Actual stories and chapters are coming down soon, and I'm glad to get back into the swing of things.
Many thanks, guys,
Zergface.