Title: What We've Become
Disclaimer: We (Love's Crash Test Dummy & Creatively Licensed B) don't claim to own anything that lawfully belongs to ABC Family and whoever. We do own Faith Giancana and are proud of it. Also we work really hard coming up with our plotlines and trying to make them as unique as possible so please don't try to copy and re-write. Thank you.
Spoiler: Up to chapter 24 of Life, Love and Denim (the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants MIOBI-style story) and the extra, It Ends Tonight. If you haven't read those, you might want to check that out for this to make sense.
Note: Structurally, this piece is separated into three. The first section happens right before the events of It Dies Tonight, the second part happens right after and then the last section is a flashback.
Note 2: If you've ever wanted to put a face to "Joey" who is mentioned from time to time we imagine Sam Keeley (From Misfits *Spoiler Alert* Nathan's half-brother). He's a Denver Elitist that could possibly play a huge role in the Imaginary Sequel, but for now he's comic relief and pretty to look at.
…
What We've Become
…
Nicky often gets nervous though he seldom shows it.
This time is different though. He was sure to leave Hector at home, situated in front of his laptop, soaking in every bit of American Culture via YouTube videos. Nicky isn't worried that his two best friends aren't going to get along with Hector. After all, they're two girls and Hector is a handsome, naïve foreigner. He doesn't see them having a problem with him. He also doesn't see Hector standing a chance. Instant enslavement for sure.
Now, Nicky himself, he can see the girls having a problem with him. Not Faith. After all, Faith is the one who called him, demanding he pick them up from the airport. As much as he wants to avoid talking to Kelly again, especially after that car crash of a video chat, but he knows it's best to do it as soon as possible to avoid the prolonged awkwardness. Plus, what Faith says goes. The last thing he needs is her upset with him too.
So here he is, half an hour early, driving in circles around the airport baggage claim. He drums his fingers against the steering wheel and he feels his heart beating a little quicker than normal. He keeps trying to figure out what he's supposed to say to Kelly. He knows he needs to apologize. That goes without question.
"Kelly, stop! It isn't like that! It's just different with Kaylie, okay? What Kaylie and me have, it was never like this with you!"
Nicky winces at the words he's played at least a million times over in his head. Her face in that moment, even on the old computer screen, had been one he never saw before. Kelly has five common facial expressions. The bitch stare, her up-to-no-good grin, her back-the-fuck-of-me sneer and her I-win-you-lose smirk. Then there are those rare smiles she only shows him, ones that make him willing to do anything to ensure she keeps looking at him like that. Then there's that glassy-eyed, pained look he never wants to see on her ever again.
After seeing her like that, tears streaming down her cheeks, Nicky tried to recover, tried to apologize then, but he knew she wasn't listening. He knew it was useless. Even now, having thought about it obsessively for days, Nicky doesn't even know what he meant by that or what he hoped to achieve. Kelly was pushing him like she always does and he fired back. The only difference is that the distance between them made it hard to fix things like he normally would.
Nicky can already tell it's going to be an upward battle, trying to salvage what's left of their friendship and he isn't sure he's ready for it, but he knows that he doesn't have a choice in the matter either.
Even with his thoughts elsewhere, Nicky can spot Faith Giancana from miles away. The two girls are standing outside the baggage claim doors as he pulls up and gets out to greet them. Nicky holds his breath the entire time. He's jittery and to make it less obvious, he shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans, rounding the back of his SUV and walking towards them.
"NIX!"
Faith carelessly throws her bags to the ground outside the Denver International Airport and she loses one of her heels as she runs to him. A smile instantly brightens Nicky's face and his strong arms are open and waiting for her. She jumps at him and when their bodies quite literally slam into each other, Nicky groans and Faith giggles.
In classic Faith Giancana fashion, she doesn't just hug him. She fists his dark hair at the nape of his neck, her body pressed tight against his as she plants a big sloppy kiss on his cheek. Nicky should probably be freaked out by the way she's basically assaulting him outside the airport, but it's Faith Giancana so it isn't that unusual.
"Okay. Okay. Faye, I think you've raped my face enough for one day," Nicky says. He tries to pry her off of him and even shakes from side to side, but Faith refuses to let go. "I hope you know this is sexual assault."
Faith sighs against his cheek, leaving a trail of gloss down his jaw before she finally pulls away. With a smirk, Faith replies, "Now, Nixon, you know it isn't sexual assault if you like it."
"Faith…"
Puckering her lips in a pout, Faith finally lets go of him and steps back. "C'mon, Nicky. Sure, usually PDA isn't our thing, but I haven't seen you in ages! Mauling each other after being separated for so long is tradition," Faith says matter-of-factly. "Unless the new girlfriend is the issue. If that's the case, I gotta say, I'm not exactly loving whipped!Nicky. Oh, wait, you were whipped!Nicky even before you got a girlfriend so what does that make you now?"
Nicky scowls, not enjoying Faith's particular brand of teasing. Instead of answering her, he just locks his arm around her neck and starts messing with her hair. Faith laughs loudly, squirming and kicking her feet, drawing attention to them like Faith always seems to do. Once Nicky finally lets her go, Faith shoves him hard in the chest. As she starts to fix her disheveled hair, Nicky's gaze moves over to where Kelly is standing. Sunglasses on. Guard up.
"Hey Parks," Nicky says slowly. He shoves his hands back into the front pockets of his jeans. She gives off an air of apathy and Nicky only lets his eyes linger on her long enough to wonder why she looks so sickly, her face a shade paler than it normally is. He'd ask, but she doesn't even acknowledge his greeting.
"Kelly, Nicky's talking to you," Faith sings. She bounces on the front of her feet and fretfully twists her fingers together. Faith looks just as nervous as Nicky, maybe a little hopeful, but also expecting the worse.
Continuing to ignore Nicky who smiles shyly and nods to her, Kelly turns to Faith and hisses, "This is who you got to pick us up? I thought your dad was going to send a driver or something!"
Faith smiles at Nicky, a silent apology, before grabbing Kelly by the elbow and leading her off to the side. Nicky awkwardly stands there, trying to pretend he isn't as bothered as he really is. To keep himself busy and distracted, he goes to collect the bags Faith flung to the ground in her bout of excitement.
This doesn't feel right. They don't break away from each other. They're a triad and things are always discussed amongst the three of them even when Faith and Kelly are talking about "girl stuff" that makes Nicky blush or when Faith and Nicky are fighting over which is the superior sport—football or baseball—and Kelly just sits there, tweeting and rolling her eyes. This feeling of being left out is one of those changes that had to be made and Nicky hates to think it's the new norm.
"Nicky called and insisted he pick us up. How was I supposed to say no?" Faith asks exasperatedly.
"Maybe that's your problem. You never say no," Kelly heatedly retorts.
Faith's face goes from frustrated to hurt in a matter of seconds, taking that blow as a personal one. Her shoulders sink and she feels the tears prickling at her eyes, something that's happened so much lately it's an automatic response. All of a sudden, the rigidness disappears from Kelly's posture and her lips part like she's going to say something or try to take it back, but she can't. It's already out there and it hurt.
"Faith…Faye, I didn't mean it. Look, I'm hungover and that flight was a bitch and you know how I get," Kelly says. Her voice is a lot softer and she gently lays her hand on Faith's shoulder, as close to an apologetic gesture as Kelly Parker has ever gotten.
"I made you a promise, Kel," Faith says quietly. "I won't push, but he's still my friend."
"And that's fine. You can still be friends with him. I won't take that from you," Kelly says. She knows Faith has already had too much taken from her. "Just, after this, I don't want him near me. Got it?"
"Got it." Faith nods her head.
Kelly nods back and readjusts the strap of her purse hanging on her arm. She then walks right past Nicky, like he's a ghost, not even there and goes to the SUV, waiting by the door, tapping her foot impatiently against the concrete. Nicky watches her from afar and his face tells a tragic story of longing, confusion and guilt. The miles and the oceans may be gone, but the distance is still there between them.
For what might be the first time in her entire life, Faith keeps her mouth shut. She's bound by her promise and the way her broken heart's near inaudible beats parallel Kelly's. Their triad is no longer in synch. Nicky can't understand what they've been through. He got the girl. He's on a completely different plane, one of love and affection rather than pain and rejection. Their triad is in a state of discord.
Nicky and Faith aren't the touchy-feely type of friends. They both usually save all that for Kelly (though in two entirely different ways). Despite that, Faith doesn't hesitate to wraps her arms around his hips and hug him tight because he looks like he really needs it. Nicky wraps his arms around Faith, though they both know he'd much rather be hugging Kelly right now. Rejoined by the two most important people in his life, the last thing on Nicky's mind is his girlfriend and there are few things more dangerous than that.
"How is she?" Nicky asks. His anxiety translates into the way his voice jumps in his throat and his palms are slick with perspiration. He wants so badly back in their club, back in their hearts, but once a house of cards collapses, there's nothing left to enter back into.
"Honestly?" Faith's voice is barely anything more than a squeak. "She's a wreck."
Nicky frowns. "And you?"
Faith smiles weakly. "Worse."
He's learned bits and pieces, confessions from Kelly via letter prior to her finding out about him and Kaylie, when she stopped telling him things other than how much he broke her. Kelly wrote about the pregnancy and about abortion being the logical solution, but he's yet to learn the whole story and the outcome. On appearance alone, the flatness of her belly and the sadness in her eyes, he can guess, but won't assume until he hears it straight from Faith.
She's too good at it. Faith is too good at pretending she isn't completely disjointed behind that pretty face and big smile. Nicky can feel the chill when it comes to Kelly, her stoic demeanor and the way she acts like he doesn't exist. Then there's Faith who puts on a smile like it comes naturally and hugs him without hesitation and makes jokes and teases. He never would have guessed she was hurting if he didn't ask.
Suddenly Faith shoves him as if to ask why he's looking at her like that and she juts her chin over to Kelly, telling him that there are other more pressing matters that need sorting. "Nicky, you need to talk to her."
"I don't think now is the time…"
He doesn't want to know. He hates that she's ignoring him, but he doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't want his suspicions confirmed, that everything really is as fucked up as it feels. Nicky Russo is a science man, always about fact and logic, but in this moment he chooses fantasy. Barcelona was a fairytale world and he so desperately wants to go back even though he knows it's a pointless wish.
Faith gives him a pointed look. "Nicky."
But he ignores her. He ignores the warning in her voice, and instead attempts a smile and says, "So what do you want to do while you're in Denver?"
Her eyes scream, I want you to fix things. Fix Kelly. Fix me.
And the way his brows curve and his lip trembles, Nicky silently replies, give me time. Please.
It's fairly obvious that she isn't happy about it, but she's going to let it go because she's always had a weakness for him and that sad face he makes. With her arms wrapped around his waist, they start walking towards the SUV and Faith murmurs, "All I know is I want to end every single day with a sunset."
She's always had a poetic soul even if she doesn't agree.
Nicky just smiles and replies, "Alright. We better hurry if we want to make it to the top of Lookout in time."
…
Faith Giancana is spoiled and she knows it.
It's only to be expected seeing as her dad is The Freaking Man. She's always had things handed to her with little question. All she ever had to do was ask. From ponies to a built-to-scale replica of NYC Elite in the left wing of her beautiful, grandiose Long Island home. However, unlike a lot of her fellow trust-fund babies, Faith knows how to take the things that get her ahead in life and work hard to get even further.
Hard work. That's the one thing gymnastics ever tried to teach her. Now, a lesson on fixing friendships would be even more helpful.
At Nicky's house Faith practically owns the biggest of the three guest rooms. She owns it as in keeps clothes in the closet and everything smells like vanilla. There aren't elephants on the custard walls, but a collection of Polaroid pictures, a documentation of her friendship with Nicky and Kelly as the Denver three musketeers. Dozens of Polaroids are all arranged at random, all meshed together to form a giant collage of moments imprinted in her memory, on her heart and on the wall.
Faith sits on the corner of the bed with her legs pulled up to her chest, her hands resting on her knees and her back crouched forward just a bit. Her hair is still moist from just getting out of the shower and her face is wiped clean of any makeup. She feels refreshed, certainly, and lighter after telling Nicky everything earlier in the evening.
It's been her most successful retelling and her eyes only got teary once, forced to relive that horrible visit to the clinic, all of those feelings, the fear and the uncertainty, rushing back to her after spending so much time and energy trying to get past it, to move on, but never forget. Afterwards, she'd hoped that shower would help clear her head. She'd been wrong.
Looking at the Polaroids, each photo captures a single instance, some of innocence and others of mischief. The one common thread weaved through every one is that they all look so happy. It started out as just Faith and Nicky from when they were young and then the whirlwind that is Kelly Parker changed both their lives. It frightens Faith to think that things will indeed come full circle and they'll be back at the start with just her and Nicky—no Kelly.
"Oh yeah," Faith murmurs to herself. "I forgot the girlfriend."
"Talking to yourself, Giancana?"
Faith looks to the door and finds her old friend standing there. He's wearing sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt, his feet bare and toes wiggling against the carpet. Nicky tries to smile, but the amusement that he tries to project doesn't reach his eyes that are red and a little puffy as if he's been crying. On any other given night, Faith would call him out on it, tease him mercilessly, but not this time.
It sucks that Nicky can't give her the same courtesy as his face fills with concern and outright says, "Faye, you're crying…"
Faith brings her fingers to her cheek and indeed her skin is slick with water. Shit. She gets so easily wrapped up in her thoughts that she loses touch with reality. Crying has become something so natural to her that she didn't even realize it was happening.
"Huh. I guess so. Nice job, Nixon. Not only did you catch crazy Faith talking to herself, but crying like a baby too," Faith says. She pulls her knees tighter to her chest and sniffles, closing her eyes and takes a shaky breath.
From the look on Nicky's face, it's obvious that he doesn't know what to do. Especially after what happened with Kelly atop Lookout tonight, Nicky is so emotionally drained. Everything is so strange and unfamiliar. It still escapes him how two months can change everything he's ever known. With Kelly refusing contact with him and Faith crying, looking so defeated, Nicky feels like everything that made his live bearable is gone.
"I thought you'd be out getting into trouble by now," Nicky says awkwardly, still lingering at the door. "Didn't you say you were meeting up with Joey O'Doherty or something?"
"Yeah, I'm already late for my hot date with O'Doherty O'Douchey." Faith snorts, swiping at her wet cheeks. "Nah. That's just what I told Kelly and half-assed at best. Not that I needed to make excuses. She wasn't even listening. I don't think I've ever seen her bolt so fast before."
Faith sniffles again and Nicky sighs, going over to sit beside her on the edge of the bed. The room turns to silence and it doesn't belong here. As much as Faith wants to be bubbly and kill the awkwardness, she's still so angry about it all. She's afraid if she opens her mouth she'll say things and later regret them. Nicky just doesn't know what to say, afraid that he'll only make things worse.
For some time they just sit there. It's sad that they've been reduced to this, whatever this is.
"I, um, I see you've taken care of Genius Boy III," Faith says. It's random and it takes Nicky by surprise. Faith glances over to the nearby dresser where a glass aquarium is sitting, containing a single fish in it among a floor of bright pink rocks and fake plants. "He looks plump."
"Yeah, well, he lives a very luxurious life for a gold fish," Nicky adds. He admires Faith's strength to make an effort. She shouldn't have to make small talk with her best friend, but it seems this is what their lives have become.
With a low, reminiscent laugh, Faith asks, "Remember how I got him?"
The memory makes Nicky smile, but as soon as he recalls that late autumn night, it only reminds him of what he's lost. "I remember. Kelly won him for you at the county fair."
"Yeah, she had to go in there and get it done because you apparently suck at tossing beanbags and Joey had his face in a trash can because he ate too many corndogs right before riding the Dizzy Dragons," Faith says. She smiles to herself and adds, "Hands down, worst double date ever."
Nicky groans and shakes his head from side to side. "That was not a double date. It was just us—the three of us—hanging out as friends and you brought along O'Doherty."
"Naturally. Like you've emphasized, there were three of us and you and Kelly were obviously going to ride together so I needed to bring someone along. Marty was my first choice, but he deemed it 'inappropriate.' Not like I was asking him to—"
"Faith."
"Right. Off on a tangent, caught it," she says. Her mind goes back to the topic at hand, but she finds she doesn't want to reminisce anymore. It just makes her heart heavier and heavier and that brings forth a new round of tears.
"Faith," Nicky says gently, twiddling his thumbs. "Don't cry about this."
"Believe me. I wish I could stop," she says hoarsely. "I'm just so goddamn frustrated! Honestly, I don't know if I should be kicking your ass right now for putting us through all of this…or hugging you because I know you're hurting too."
"I know and I'm sorry," Nicky says sincerely. He tentatively places his hand on Faith's shoulder and when she leans into him, Nicky rubs comforting circles across her back.
Faith blows out a breath through her teeth before she says, "You do get that part of the reason you're so sad right now is because you two never defined anything, right? Hey, look, me and Parks are best friends, but, oh, sometimes we makeout when we're sober and bored and just want each other. Oh, wow, and other times we have sex, but we're still besties, just besties and—"
"Faith!"
"Nope, sorry, Nix, I hit the nail right on the head with this one," Faith argues. "You were obviously more than friends and you can give me some bull about labels, but the truth is you were scared. Yeah, I do see why you were scared, but if we don't define things people get hurt. Before leaving the country you should have sat her down and talked about all this."
"I know I deserve the lecture, but, honestly, it's the last thing I need right now," Nicky says. "Everything happened the way it did and I can't change that. We can talk about what-ifs all night, but that's all it is, Faye, talk."
"You do know I'm not stupid, right?" Faith says. "I know you two coming back all hand-in-hand didn't mean that you fixed things. The only reason I even let you back into the car was because I needed to pee super bad."
Nicky sighs and lies back. He stares straight up into the light hanging overhead until different colors start to buzz around in front of his eyes. "She's not going to like it if I tell you."
"But you always do anyways," Faith says knowingly. She plays with the end of his t-shirt, twisting the soft cotton around her fingers. "So let's hear it. What went down?"
Nicky shuts his eyes, hoping that would make it easier to get out. "She…she made some points that still make me feel guilty for not even considering. She brought up how it's inevitable that certain situations are going to call for me choosing between the two of them and how I'll most likely always choose Kaylie."
Faith inwardly winces because she too knows it's true. "Like what?"
"Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, stuff like that," Nicky says, "Which is true. I can't exactly ditch my girlfriend during the holidays especially when she knows I technically don't have family here."
"Funny," Faith says. Her voice is anything, but. "I always thought Kel and me were your family."
Nicky sits back up, a little too quickly because now he feels a little lightheaded. His eyesight is a bit fuzzy, but by what he can make out of her face, Nicky knows he did it again. This saying offensive, insensitive things to the girls he loves really is starting to become a bad habit. "Faith, I didn't mean it like that…"
"Don't sweat it, Smarty, I know you didn't," Faith assures him. "And I want to assume she'll come around by then, but if not…I'll flying in to spend Thanksgiving with Kel and either I'll convince her to take a trip with me for Christmas and New Years or we'll be hanging out at the Parker's, watching sexist Christmas movies like tradition."
A tradition they started with him and now they'll apparently continue without him.
"I wish I could be there," Nicky murmurs under his breath.
"Well, if you get approval from your dictator then you can," Faith says. She doesn't mean for it to come out the way it does and the way Nicky narrows his eyes at her confirms this.
"Don't call my girlfriend a dictator," Nicky says defensively. "And it isn't even that. Kelly doesn't want anything to do with me."
"Well, if you were in her position, how would you feel?" Faith asks. "I'm not trying to make you feel guilty and I don't even know what point I'm trying to make, but I'm curious, Nicky. If you didn't have Kaylie and you were in Spain and you somehow found out through someone other than KP that she started dating, I don't know, Joey, you'd be upset, right?"
"Yeah," Nicky says without even having to question it. He tries to picture this imaginary scenario, but it all just feels disgusting. "But you said it yourself. Joey O'Doherty is a douche. Wouldn't you be upset too?"
"Joey isn't that bad. Though I've seen him makeout with a girl and it's like watching a dog lick someone's face," Faith says, crinkling her face at the mental image. "Nastiness aside, you get my point, right? What if it was someone else you hate? That Shane guy from Boulder."
"Kelly wouldn't do that," Nicky says quickly, so sure of himself. "He went out of his way to make her life hell."
"Yeah, well, she's probably thinking the same thing about Kaylie Cruz," Faith shoots back.
Nicky knows she got him there and moves his eyes down to his feet hanging off the side of the bed. "Alright. I get what you're saying," Nicky says exasperatedly. "And if I was in her position then, sure, I'd be upset, but I wouldn't shut her out like she's doing to me."
"Would it hurt you like it hurts her?"
His eyes grow small as he stares at his toes, giving this some thought. Out in the dark, atop that mountain, he had been ready to give in, to try to make it work with Kelly. He had wanted her. Truthfully, he still does. He can't imagine sharing her with a guy he hates or sharing her with someone other than Faith. His mind just refuses to go there. His unwillingness to even picture it feels like an answer in itself.
"You don't have to answer that. I didn't mean to put you on the spot," Faith says a moment later. Nicky doesn't know what he would have said if she did demand an answer. "Just tell me that you aren't going to let her shut you out. Tell me you're going to keep trying."
"She wants space," he mutters.
"Well, that's just too frickin' bad for her!" Faith shouts. Hector is asleep down the hall, but Faith doesn't really care. She fists Nicky's shirt in her little hand and gives it a sharp tug. "Right?"
"She isn't ready to accept it…"
"Newsflash! She isn't ever going to be ready to accept it," Faith says. That frustration is starting to turn to anger. "Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not ever. She's never going to be ready and you're far from ready yourself, but I don't think you're supposed to be. Nicky, if you wait for a day that isn't ever coming then you might as well just give up now."
"Would you be pissed if I told you that I might?" Nicky says. He hates how he feels guilty for even suggesting it. "Give her what she wants, focus on Kaylie and me for a bit. This whole thing with Kelly still makes her uncomfortable and I really do like her, Faye. I wish there was some other way, but Kelly isn't giving me many options."
And he feels like a hypocritical little bitch when he says that. During the video chat, he had accused Kelly of using Kaylie as a scapegoat when he's using her as his excuse too. He wants to focus on Kaylie because she made him come so close to forgetting Kelly and the mixed up feelings he has for Kelly. Kaylie did it once before and he prays to god she can do it again.
"You get that it isn't specifically Kaylie Cruz, right?" Faith says. "I mean, the fact that she used to bully Kelly, a concept that is still so weird to me, but true nonetheless, probably adds to everything, but even Kelly knows Kaylie isn't the problem. She's only blaming Kaylie and taking it out on Kaylie because she loves you too much to blame you."
Nicky knows she has a point and it makes him hate himself even more. Kaylie is taking hits for him because that's how much she cares about him, how sure she is that their relationship will work. He knows this and still came so close to throwing it all away tonight. He hasn't even been home for a full week, they haven't been an official couple for a whole month, and he was ready to give it all up the second he told Kelly Parker he loves her and how not wrong it felt.
"And I'm sorry," he whispers hoarsely, "but apparently me being sorry isn't enough."
"No. It isn't. It's a start, but it's never going to be enough," Faith says. It's the cold, hard truth. "Nix, you gotta keep in mind that Kelly is wired differently so she thinks shutting you out will make it all hurt less. And I love her so I hope she somehow makes it work."
Nicky sighs. "So you are pissed at me…"
"Damn straight," Faith says, flicking his arm like she'd always do when they were kids. "I'm pissed that you tried to play it off like you guys hooking up wasn't a big thing for so long and I'm pissed at her for thinking she's the only one hurting and I'm pissed at both of you for breaking up our family. Jesus Christ. And I thought we were messed up before…"
Wearing a frown, Nicky chances a glance in her direction. "So what do we do now?"
We. Because the fact that she's here, in his house, means that they're still a 'we' and an 'us.' Nicky doesn't know how Kaylie would react to this, but he needs to hold on to something, to that guy he once was, the indifferent nerd in the Clark Kent glasses, hopelessly devoted and terribly attached to his best friends. Nicky really liked that guy and it scares him that he's drifting away from who he used to be.
"Faith," Nicky says desperately. "Tell me what to do to fix this. Whatever it takes."
"I wish I could, kid, but I don't have the answers for that," Faith says. He looks so sad and disappointed and Faith touches his arm, wishing that was all it'd take to rid him of all his sadness and rid them all of this shitstorm of teenage angst that just won't seem to let up.
They grow quiet again, both tired and depressed. The tears come and Faith doesn't even try to stop. She imagines Kelly in her cold, dark house, lying in bed, crying herself to sleep and it only make her cry harder. Nicky sniffles and rubs his own watery eyes. Faith keeps her gaze on her picture collage, not wanting to make him feel even worse by staring.
"You know," he says, "I didn't think starting something with Kaylie would trigger all of this."
"Doesn't matter. It could have been avoided," Faith says. She just can't help it. If anything, he should have that fact drilled into his head no matter how much it hurts. "If you didn't let her get all hopeful for so long, she would've eased into the idea of you dating a hell of a lot easier and we'd probably be downstairs watching movies and trading summer stories right now—the three of us—but whatever. Like you said, it's all talk at this point."
"It's not like I didn't care about her," Nicky says, starting to grow a little angry himself. "I wasn't using her for sex. It's messed up you two would even think that. It meant something to me too. I cared so much that it…it scared me sometimes."
"Whoa. I never said anything about thinking you were using her for sex," Faith argues. "I knew you cared about her too. I saw it. All the time. It just bugs me that you were always so scared of everything and so you never tried. Hell, then again, all I ever do is take risks and look where I ended up. Life is just a bitch to everyone."
"Yep. And for some reason, to us especially." Nicky nods with his hand on the back of Faith's neck, mixed in with all that hair of hers, squeezing lightly on her tense muscles.
"I know it isn't worth much anymore, but sometimes I'd catch myself thinking that you and Kelly were endgame once you both pulled your shit together. I knew you'd eventually date around and she'd pout about it, but she'd get over it because it'd be fairly obvious no one would mean more to you than KP. But this—what I'm ready to call the Clueless Kaylie Cruz Calamity—is different. I'm yet to wrap my mind around it that someone actually came between you two."
Faith doesn't know how he'll react to that, but she has never been one to let anything stop her from saying what's on her mind. She's just being honest and, well, the Clueless Kaylie Cruz Calamity is an awesome name.
Following yet another gap of silence, Faith searches for a light conversation change, but then Nicky looks at her so seriously and adds, "I'd be lying if I said I didn't think the exact same thing."
She knows she's pushing it, but she needs to know. "The part about you and Kel ending up together or that you never thought someone would come between you two?"
"Honestly?" Nicky asks. Faith nods. "Both."
Faith tilts over from the heaviness of this all and her head meets Nicky's thigh. She presses her face into his stomach and wraps her arms around his waist in a hug. In return, Nicky places his hand lightly atop her head and strokes his fingers through her tangles of hair.
"Faith…I told her I love her."
Suddenly she can't move a muscle, frozen in place from what she's just heard. Nicky and Kelly aren't ever verbally affectionate towards one another because insulting each other in sweet or flirty voices doesn't really count. Faith has always been conscious of how when she exchanges 'I love you' as easy as 'hello' and 'goodbye' with Nicky, Kelly would always twitch a little even if when they all know it was more like something a girl would say to her puppy than her lover. Now Nicky finally said it to Kelly, given her what she wants, so why aren't they reunited yet?
Quickly scrambling to sit up, Faith shrieks, "Great Scott, Batman! Did you actually mean it?"
"Yes, but she didn't buy it," Nicky says. He leans forward and rests his face in his hands. "I was so close, Faye. Because, I don't know, maybe it was being out there in the dark or seeing her cry and hearing her say all those things, but…I was seriously willing to cut the crap, break up with Kaylie and do it…take a risk…with Kelly. I mean, we've always been so happy up until now, until Kaylie, why not go back? Or, well, move toward and possibly…be even happier?"
Faith's eyes widen and Nicky stares back at her. They're thinking the same thing. Maybe Kaylie Cruz is a catalyst. Maybe her sole purpose of coming into Nicky's life is to get Kelly to finally admit how hard she's fallen for him and in turn make Nicky realize how Kelly Parker has always owned his heart even before he even realized it. It's a tad bit dehumanizing to Kaylie Cruz, but it would fix everything if that were the answer. It would resurrect the Denver three musketeers.
Faith curses herself for feeling so hopeful, but she can't seem to fight it as she rambles, "Nicky, tell me right now. Are you serous about being in love with Kelly? If so we can so pull a Definitely Maybe with you as Ryan Reynolds and me as Abigail Breslin and we'll chase after Kelly—Isla Hottie—and fix things tonight. We'll be eating at our favorite IHOP by morning."
It sounds too much like fantasy even to Faith. So much that it almost kills Nicky to shoot it down. "But Kaylie." Of course, there's some sort of barrier separating reality from awesomeness—the Clueless Kaylie Cruz Calamity—the girlfriend. "I can't do that to her. Damn it…I care so much about both of them, Faye."
"But you can't have both of them, Nicky," Heaving a sigh, Faith falls back against the headboard, "So I guess we aren't reenacting the ending of my favorite movie?"
Nicky shakes his head sadly. No.
"Why do I feel like my parents just got divorced…aww, crap! Did I say that out loud?"
"Yes. Probably your talking disorder acting up because of the full moon." Nicky chuckles and turns onto his side to look at her. "And about the divorce, just know that we don't love you any less."
"I know," Faith says. "And I want you to know that I guess I don't blame you for falling in love and even more importantly, finding someone who loves you back. If anything, Nicky, I envy you."
"I wouldn't call it love, Faith," Nicky says. "At least not yet."
"But it could be one day, right?" Faith says.
"Maybe. I don't know," Nicky honestly replies. It's like what he said. Leaving the country changes things, but once you're back home you try to settle into old routines and what's familiar. At this very moment all he wants is things to go back to normal and that desperate want comes into conflict when he remembers his newfound feelings for Kaylie a second later.
Faith groans. "Wrong answer, Nicky. God, you're such a boy. I was trying to be all accepting and whatnot, but now…you're saying you don't know if you love Kaylie Cruz or not? Unacceptable! You can't do this. You can't give up our friendship for this girl if it isn't going to last. It's a waste."
"Why are you and Kelly so dramatic?" he asks irritably. "I'm not giving up our friendship."
"But you are," Faith insists. "You can't have it both ways. Blame Kel all you want and to an extent, yeah, it's her fault too, but you're the only one gaining something here. Kelly loses you. I lose my three musketeers. You lose Kelly, but gain Kaylie. We're all on this sinking ship, but you're the only one that gets to hop onto a new, shiny one. In my honest opinion, Nix, Kelly and me have a right to be bitchy and dramatic. It's all we have left."
"You've still got me," Nicky murmurs.
"Not like I used to," Faith says. She breathes out, too wound up for this to be good for her health. "Oh Nicky, brother, what will I ever do with you? Your boyish flip-floppiness is stirring my insanity. So your feelings for Kelly, you think they'll just go away?"
"I don't know," Nicky says. The boy who knows everything is completely stumped. "If she thinks her feelings for me will just disappear if we stop being friends then maybe mine for her will too."
Faith scoffs. "Sounds like a crap theory to me, professor."
"Well then, be happy you don't have to try and live it," he replies. The more he thinks about it the more he starts to see it. It's true. He could never match her, that's for sure, but maybe…maybe he's wired different compared to the rest of the world. Maybe he's wired just like Kelly is. Maybe that's why they were so good together.
Regardless, choices have been made. He had his chance atop the mountain and he didn't take it. It was right there in front of him, but he just let it slip away. He let her go and now he's convinced there's no going back. There's nowhere to go, but forward. To ditch Kaylie now would mean that everything in Barcelona was for nothing and he's already caused Kelly so much pain. He's caused Faith so much pain. He doesn't love it, but this is how things are.
"Nicky, if it's ever just you and me hanging out, you need to promise that you won't bring Kaylie," Faith says, trying to push past her disappointment. "I think she's a sweet girl and she might even be as messed up as us, but you can't try to make her the third musketeer. She can't tag along. It's us time. You need to promise me that Kaylie won't touch that. Doing that, trying to replace Kelly with her is the only way you could possibly piss me off even more."
Nicky nods. "I should probably stop making promises, but yeah. It won't happen."
Faith leans her head against his bicep it's yet another intermission of silence. Faith is so afraid. She doesn't know what to expect tomorrow. She doesn't know what she's supposed to do. The girl with a million and seven ridiculous ideas is at a standstill. She's ready to let go of her anger and forces herself to find something positive, something to hold on to and at least get her through the night.
Suddenly, out of the blue, Faith miserably laughs. "Remember all those times you'd call me at all hours of the night, disregarding the time diff, just because you were fighting with Kelly and you needed my help to get her to forgive you?"
Nicky cracks the smallest of smiles and motions to his tattoo. "I remember pretty well, actually. Didn't I have you on the phone when I was at the tattoo shop?"
"Hey. It was your idea, one of your sweetest ever, I might add. All I did was provide the encouragement," Faith says. "Ha, and then I three-way-called Kelly so she could hear you whining the whole time. That was awesome."
"You two just get a kick out of teaming up and emasculating me, don't you?"
"Oh, there are other ways to humiliate you without damaging your manhood," Faith says. "Like, I bet your girlfriend doesn't know that you're a mathlete, does she?"
"I prefer captain of the Scholastic Team. Reigning champs, I might add. It isn't just math, but science and history and, wow, I am a nerd," Nicky says. Faith bursts out in laughter, clutching her stomach and Nicky scratches the back of his head. "And no, Kaylie doesn't know that."
Faith giggles. "Remember when I actually flew here, from LA to Denver, to see you compete in your stupid scholastic whatever tournament thingy? That was so much fun! Kelly and I dressed super slutty, hoping to distract your geeky competition, which it did, and we made signs and we were so loud cheering for you that they threatened to kick us out?"
Nicky laughs. "I was the envy of every guy in school for a month after that."
"You're welcome." Faith beams.
"See," Nicky says. "Why is it that we can do this and everything is so…and with Kelly it's so…not like this?"
"Oh, probably because you've seen each other naked," Faith says playfully. She had wanted to say you're in love with her, idiot, but resisted. Nicky rolls his eyes and starts to stand when Faith tugs him back down by his shirt. "No, I'm serious! We think it's just this physical thing, but it's not. It changes everything and you don't want to believe it at first, but it does."
"Jeez, don't you just love learning life lessons?" Nicky says sarcastically.
"I just hate that we need to make mistakes to learn," Faith says. "Ha, I even have pictures."
When Nicky asks what she means, Faith seems to regret saying what she did aloud. A moment later, she's across the room, rummaging through her bag until she pulls out the ultrasound. She holds it like it's sacred and when she hands it to Nicky, he treats it with the same care. Nicky doesn't think it's particularly healthy that she holds onto it like this, but he doesn't mention it.
"You're only the second one to know this, but I actually thought of names," Faith says quietly. "If it was a boy, my first choice would have been Jesse, ha, and Austin even volunteered to marry me and say he's the father so the baby's name would have been Jesse Tucker. And if it was a girl…Winnie or maybe, I was thinking…Pastry."
Nicky furrows his brows at that last one.
"Okay, so I didn't think too hard about girl names and I was really down for a Jesse Tucker," Faith says. She stares down at the bed and draws aimless patterns against the comforter with the tip of her finger. "Towards the end, trapped in that hotel suite with Austin, all cabin feverish, I started to let myself have a little fun and we made up this entire life story for him."
Nicky frowns. Now he knows for a fact that isn't healthy, but it is Faith. She isn't just wired differently. She's a completely different make and model. Pursing his dry lips, Nicky dares to ask, "Like what?"
Faith laughs a little, a distant look on her face. "Austin and me spent almost an entire night fighting over where he'd grow up. I'm all New York and he's all Boston and then we compromised on Denver. That way I'm with you guys and Aus has an excuse to be closer to Payson. Jesse would get to grow up with you teaching him smart stuff and Kelly spoiling him and teaching him how to always get his way."
Easily amused at the very idea, Nicky tries to imagine it, selfish children like them trying to raise one with barely any parental supervision. "I can picture it already. Kelly would have all of us eating out of Jesse's palm."
"I know, right?" Faith laughs. "We wouldn't force him into gymnastics, but he'd probably do it for fun and apart of Austin's lesson on picking up chicks. For the most part he'd grow up normal, school, school projects, Christmas plays that you'd be forced to attend, btw. He'd get older, go Dartmouth where he'd find a nice girl who he'd bring home. Kelly wouldn't think she's good enough and I'd give her a hard time, but you and Austin would be giving him the 'good job, son.' And he'd be a man and an astronaut and I…I'd be so proud…"
She presses her face into Nicky's chest then, amazed that she got through saying all of that without completely breaking down. She'd dream about him sometimes, the child she senselessly killed at the request of the man she thought she loved and who she thought loved her. Faith takes deep breaths, pushing away the sudden urge to start ripping things up, preferably paper.
"Th—the doctor…he said with the condition my body was in, being a gymnast and all, it was a miracle I could even sustain a pregnancy. He…he was a miracle baby and I…"
Nicky easily hushes her, holding her close. He's already heard too much and she's said too much. "You know, Faye, you're the strongest person I know," Nicky says. When she snorts against his t-shirt, Nicky goes on, "I mean it. You pick up and you keep moving so easily and you somehow push through and keep going no matter what. I wish I had that."
"I wouldn't say I do it easily, but it is what it is, you know? Like you said, we made our decisions and now we have to live with 'em," Faith says. She carefully takes the ultrasound from Nicky and looks at the Polaroid wall for a moment. Ultimately, she decides against it and puts the ultrasound into the drawer of the nightstand.
"Alright. I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed. I think we can both agree it's time to put this awful day behind us," Nicky says. He leans over to kiss the top of her head. "Now try to get some sleep, okay? We're taking Hector shopping tomorrow after breakfast…which know how grouchy you are in the morning will probably be at noon—"
"Stay with me?" Faith says softly, grabbing onto his arm. "For tonight. I haven't been alone in a long time and especially after everything I really don't want to be. I promise if I cop-a-feel I'll let your girlfriend get in one good bitch slap and I won't fight back…but then that would give Kelly a legit reason to put a hit out on her—"
"Just go to sleep, Faith." Nicky laughs and pulls back the sheets, sliding in beneath the covers.
As she's situated herself beneath the sheets, curling into a call beside him, Faith wonders aloud, "What would Kaylie think if she knew we were lying in bed together like this? Like we always do or, well, y'know, did?"
Nicky's hesitation betrays him even as he says, "Uh, she'd understand."
"You gonna tell her?" Faith asks. "What about Kelly? Are you going to tell Kaylie any of that?"
"You know, I ask myself the same thing all the time," Nicky says. "I'm kinda stuck, don't you think? Who am I kidding? Kaylie wouldn't understand us, any of us, or what we used to be. She freaked out when she found out Kelly was my best friend. How do you think she'd react to everything else? I tell her and our relationship won't ever be the same. I keep it from her and I'm making the same mistake over again. Worst of all, I know I'm making the same mistake again."
"Sucks for you, Smarty," Faith says. "I propose we change your name to Screwed."
"Or even Shunned," he says flatly.
"I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but I really think things will get better," Faith says. She leans over and presses a button on the nearby controller, turning out the light. "Think of it this way. There aren't many ways things can get worse."
"Always the optimist," Nicky says. "It's called durability bias. People often go through things and think it's the end of the world, but research shows that we all have a general happiness baseline and with time things return to that baseline and aren't as bad as originally thought. We get over it and move on."
A part of Faith doesn't want to move on. A part of her wants him to hurt forever because that's what he deserves after hurting Kelly and hurting her, but Faith knows that that's selfish. She knows he's as desperate to put all of this behind him as she is to put Smolderetti and Jesse Tucker behind her.
Instead of talking about it anymore, Faith just leans in, kisses Nicky lightly on the cheek and mutters a, "Goodnight, nerd face."
…
"Aww, you have a picture of your girlfriend in your wallet," nine-year-old Faith teases. Standing a good two inches taller than Nicky, Faith sticks her tongue out and holds his Batman wallet high up in the air, over his head.
Glaring, Nicky jumps for it, but can't seem to reach it. "She's not my girlfriend!"
"Did you kiss her?" Faith asks knowingly.
Nicky stops jumping for a moment and his rounded cheeks turn a deep shade of red. Faith giggles and starts to run off down the concrete path through Central Park. Her rain boots crunch against the dry, orange and red leaves on the ground and with each time the wind blows, more and more rain down all around them. It's a gorgeous fall afternoon, almost like a pastel drawing in a children's book.
"No! She kissed me! And so what?" Nicky defensively shouts as he chases after her, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose every time it slips. Faith jumps up onto the ledge of the bridge and spreads her arm out, walking as if she were on a balance beam. Nicky remains firmly on the ground, arms crossed and eyes narrowed. "You kiss your dog. I'd rather have girl cooties than dog rabies."
"That's different," Faith says snottily. She holds his wallet out over the water just to see how upset it makes him. By the look on his face he's pretty darn upset. Mission accomplished. "Genius Boy II is the bestest dog in all of New York and he doesn't have lips so it doesn't count. Plus, Kelly Parker is your girlfriend so it isn't the same thing."
"You're right."
"Cuz she is your girlfriend?"
"No, it isn't the same thing 'cuz you're grosser!"
"I bet you're going to fall in love and marry her one day," Faith says whimsically. "And I get to plan the wedding! I'll help you pick out the ring, a diamond so big and shiny you'll go blind if you stare at it too long, oh, and I'll help her pick out the dress and she'll ride an elephant down the aisle and there'll be birds and ice sculptures and it'll be in the Met and there'll be flowers everywhere and we'll all dance the night away at the Plaza after."
"No," Nicky says sternly. He can be such a little old man sometimes. "I'm not getting married ever because I don't believe in love. Love is for girls who think they're princesses or something. Yuck. And Parks is no princess. She doesn't even like Barbie. She's cooler than that…but I don't love her! Yuck!"
"We all fall in love one day, Nicky," Faith says. "Even my dad fell in love with my mom and your dad fell in love with your mom. My dad explained it to me. He said sad things happen, but they did fall in love and one day we will too. Ha, you might already have."
Nicky shakes his head. "I don't want to fall in love if it means I'll end up like dad."
"Aww, you're such a party-pooper, Nix! Hello Genius Boy, if your dad didn't fall in love with your mom then you wouldn't even be here," Faith says, jumping down from the ledge and landing flat on her feet. "Remember what I told you the other day?"
Nicky's face scrunches in disbelief. "I don't know, Faye. Are sure that's how babies are made?"
"Most certainly," Faith says. "Miss Crissy told me so."
Both Nicky and Faith look across the way to where a young, beautiful woman is laughing at something some guy with dreadlocks is whispering to her. Faith could have fallen off the ledge and ended up in the water and the nanny probably wouldn't have even noticed.
"Look how cool Miss Crissy is!" Faith says excitedly. "She's my favorite nanny. We were watching some TV show the other day and she told me every time they show two people wrestling around in bed and cut to commercials, the moms and dads and mistresses are getting their baby-making on. Miss Crissy knows everything."
"I don't know…"
"Well, forget you then. I for one can't wait to fall in love," Faith says surely. "He'll be tall and dreamy and love trouble just as much as I do. If I'm lucky he'd look young, but really be a hundred and four. Then he'll show me to the spring and we'll be young forever."
Nicky shakes his head. "You read that book too much."
"Tuck Everlasting is my favorite. It's better than your Nancy Drew—"
"I don't read Nancy Drew!"
"Sure. And do you know why it beats your mystery books? Tuck Everlasting is like a dream, but it's like life too. Impossibly dream-like, but realistically sad. Miss Crissy said that too," Faith says. "All I know is that when I find him I'm going to hold on forever and ever. Then we can go on double dates with you and Kelly Parker and everything will be perfect."
Nicky goes back to glaring. "She isn't my girlfriend."
"Right, because you'll be married by then," Faith teases.
Nicky playfully shoves her because he never could compete with Faith when it came to verbal sparing. He doesn't shove her very hard; almost afraid he'll break her if he does. In return Faith just laughs in his face and throws his wallet at him before she practically body-checks him and it makes his glasses fall off. They chase each other around the park and tease each other in such sweet oblivion.
Childhood innocence – never truly cherished until it's gone.
…
Author's note: Now this had to be less depressing than the last two, right? Then again, our combined brainpower can't think of much in terms of LLD that could possibly be more depressing than It Dies Tonight. Childhood Nicky/Faith is so much fun to write. Hope you enjoyed it. Review.