Chapter 4
Two worlds apart.
She laid in bed staring at the empty wall. The loud wind and rain crashing at her window. Thunderous. Torturous. The storm outside matching the feelings within her heart, expressing everything within her that she couldn't say. Hurt. Pain. Anger. Sorrow. And then some. She'd wander streets earlier during the day before it started to rain.
......Kagome, this heart aches for you......
She saw the lovers walking by holding hands. Married couples strolling through the park, fingers lacing, rubbing swollen bellies, indicating that their love had yield a confirmation. She felt her loneliness prick her heart like a thorn. Her heart bled.
The slicing of his Tokijin to kill her was his way of telling her he didn't love her. It had to take the attempt on her life to prove to her that he didn't love her. She never would believe it before then. But, she guessed she always knew the score. How could she ever assumed that he, the demon Lord of the great West, had ever loved her? What was she thinking, really ? She didn't need to hear him say it. His actions had said it all over the years. Cold. Distant. Detached and unyielding. She should have left him when he told her to. But no, she had to live on the other side of life, to feed her fantasy that he indeed, cared for her in some way. In the end, she was just a mistake he didn't hesitate to get rid of.
She walked along the empty streets. The clouds had danced past the sky and the sun glimmered a beautiful shade of dark lavender. Matching the crescent moon on his forehead that she'd traced with her fingers while he made love to her, thrusting deep within her. Soon, the lavender sky began to fade and street lights came on, illuminating the semi-dark streets. She continued to stroll on, her eyes glazed over like a zombie.
She bumped into a solid wall and look up, meeting amber eyes that glare down at her in irritation. The same glare that she'd gotten so used to through the years. Her heartbeat jumped and sensations surged through her body when his hands reached up and hold her by the arms. She smiled, shaking her head of the silly fantasy. How foolish. She is in Modern Japan and he, in Feudal Japan. How are they to meet again? There are no demons in her time! But still, she hoped somehow, they'd meet on the empty streets. She slowly let her fantasy of holding him fade away...
It felt like a million miles between them and she wanted to cry at the loss of him. How she loved him and how she loves him still. She passed houses and watched as families gather around for dinner; their shadows dancing on the wall. She'd always imagine one day she'll marry the perfect man and together raise a perfect family. But her story had ended here. She was alone, by herself, without a husband, without a boyfriend. Without him.
She passed by a bar and stood in front of it, staring. She decided was going to go in, and give herself to anyone who wanted to take her home and have his ways with her. She entered. The clamoring of people and noises began to fill her senses. A few men looked her way and attempted to say hello. She sat down at the bar stool and a female bartender took her drink order. She wanted sake, she wanted scotch, she wanted alcohol to purge her heartache, but she ordered a cranberry juice instead. The bartender gave her a confused look as she handed Kagome her juice. A man sat next to her and complimented her on how 'beautiful' she was and questioned what 'a beauty such as yourself doing in a bar alone?'. She stared intently at him and wanted him to take her home. Hold her. Kiss her. Make her feel 'loved' or perhaps just 'wanted'. She opened her mouth to ask him if she really, was "so beautiful", and if so why had she been rejected by the only man she loves? She didn't say anything. She blinked her tears away and the churning in her stomach let her know that it was time to leave. She moved her hand to rub over it, before looking at the man with beckoning set of eyes and left. She knew she was pregnant. It was still early she's sure, but she didn't need a test. She didn't need to see a doctor. She just knew.
Cars flying by in the street as she walked home. She imagine him driving one of them and snickers at her silly thought again. He's a demon Lord of the west. Price of the land. It's been 500 years. Even for a strong InuYokai such as himself, could not survive that long.
A man walking by with his cigarette fills her nostrils and she coughed and hacked at the strong scent. She scurried along to get home.
.....
............~He stood waiting at the well for her to come back to him~.......
.....
She gets out of bed finally, picking up the strewn clothes everywhere in her room. After tossing them in the dirty hamper she walks towards her window.
The raindrops tapping on her window rapidly while she stands and watches the little drops of water land and slither its way down on the glass. She inhales deeply and swallows the large lump in her throat. The rain continues to flutter its way against her window and down to the ground. The candles in her room flickers a soft romantic as the scent of Jasmine and wick fills her room. She had opened the window slightly for a little fresh air and the wind flows in to tease the modest nightgown on her body. She feels the goosebumps beginning to rise on her skin. Her hands instinctively wrap themselves around herself and strokes the cold arms, trying to lure the warmth back where the breeze had chilled them.
Closing her eyes she feels his touch lingering on her skin, his breath hot and heavy where it caressed her skin. She can hear herself moaning at his touch. So good, so tender. His delicate fingers slide up both sides of her shoulders and sneaks under the straps holding her dress up, he pulls the left side off, as it was in his way of laying kisses along her shoulder. She utters a soft moan and he slides his hand around her waist to pull her closer. He gently stroke her stomach and nibbles her ear. "Kagome...mate, it is time for bed." He coaxes her softly.
"Mmmmm" She let her moan loose and opens her eyes. The rain continues to dance past her window. Her fantasy disappears and she pushes the memories of Sesshoumaru away. She'd already cried enough as it is. Any more tears flowing out would seal her puffy eyes shut for sure.
.....
…….A few hours before (but after her stroll)....
.....
She walked into her bathroom and saw her reflection in the mirror. She turned away from looking at it, she can't stand to look at herself anymore. She always looked like shit and especially when she noticed the marks – his mark on her, it only brought her more pain. She turned the dial and started the shower. Sliding her clothes off her body, she slid into the shower and let the sprinkles of water wash over her. Washing away her sorrow and pain of missing him.
Of wanting him.
Of needing him.
But her pain only increased and as always, it was too much for her to bear. She found herself collapsing and the tears flowing wildly with the shower as she cried. Minutes later she found herself still bawling uncontrollably as she wrapped her arms about her legs and let the waves suffering suffocate her senses. She wanted to tears and to set her free, to be with him again somehow, but he still isn't with her, and the worst part of all was that he didn't want to be.
Why does she keep loving in despair? Sesshoumaru, I love you, I need you. She kept repeating over and over. There's no me without you…she cried. And then there were the times when she wanted to just die. Dying would ease the pain because she wouldn't be there to experience it. She didn't expect it to hurt this bad when she had decided to come back to her time and leave him for good. She wished time and time over again that he had killed her at the well. Why did he hesitate? Then her hand caressed over her abdomen, the only thing that kept her from going through with taking her own life – to live and preserve the life inside of her. For she loved him with a crying ache and carrying his child was her ultimate sacrifice. And it was the only thing she had left of him. Besides, who was she kidding? She'd never be able to go through with an abortion!
She heard her mother's voice calling her to dinner through the sounds of the water and she literally crawled out of the bathroom and getting dressed, went downstairs to eat with her family.
She was solemn again, they all noticed. The three tried to make it casual and normal chit chatting about the horrendous weather, and making comments on the dinner her mother prepared. She smiled uncomfortably at them when they glanced her way. Suddenly, her supper rolled uncomfortably in her stomach and cupping a hand over her mouth she ran to the bathroom and threw up.
Her grandpa and little brother gave her mother a confused look and then stared at their own food. They didn't want whatever she caught after eating the meal.
"There's nothing wrong with dinner." She chided them with a high pitch laugh before getting up to go see Kagome.
Over the past week, Mrs. Higurashi ignored her daughters weird behavior, waiting for the right time when she was ready to talk and spill about what had happened in Feudal Japan - the large gash in her arm and the sealing of the well. She was glad of course, knowing that her daughter would no longer be in harm's way and dealing with dangerous demons. But she couldn't take it anymore especially after hearing Kagome's heaving in the bathroom. She had already suspected something major but even this was a little bit of a shock to her. Although she had to admit to herself, the thought of being a grandmother did thrill her a bit. She felt a little giddy before knocking on the bathroom door.
"Kagome, darling are you alright?" She asked through the closed door.
"Yeah. Fine mom." She waved a hand for her mother to be off through the closed door before she bend into the bowl and worship the 'porcelain god' again.
"I'm coming in to check on you." She warned before she opened the door.
"No! I'm.." (EELCK! Dry heaving)…She tried to protest.
Her mother sat on the stool in the bathroom and stroke her back. She didn't say anything and let Kagome continue with her puking episode. Grabbing a tissue she handed it to her daughter to wipe her mouth seeing that she'd stop the heaving for a second. Kagome looked at her mother with wide confused eyes.
"You can tell me whenever you're ready sweetie." She soothed.
Bursting into tears she threw herself on her mother's lap and bawled. "Oh mom!" She cried.
"There...there…everything's going to be fine." Her mother coaxed.
Everything won't be fine mom, I'm pregnant with an InuYokai's child! She thought, still crying into her mother's lap. Sota peered through the side of the bathroom door and was waved off my his mother to leave them alone. When Kagome finally calmed down, she still didn't say anything and her mother thought it wasn't the time to pressure her daughter. Helping her daughter up she sent her off to her room for the night to get some rest and resumed her motherly task of cleaning up dinner and dishes.
......
......
Looking at the rain still she sighs heavily at the fact that everything is so complicated now. Especially how she had complicated everyone's life by being with Sesshoumaru, compromising her long friendship with the hanyou. She knows that they can never be the friends that they once were with her so obsessed with his brother. She really misses everyone too, that's what makes it so hard. It wasn't just Sesshoumaru, it was all her friends that she'd grown to love and cared for, over the years. Especially little Shippou. She hopes that he was okay and that everyone was taking good care of him. Going to the open window she slides it closed and climbing into bed she tries restlessly to find peace and rest in sleep.
In the late of night while the house was quiet from everyone sleeping, Kagome woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. Again she feels the weird pain in her abdomen and the aching on her shoulder. She misses him so much! She wished that she was with him at the moment. She looks out her window and notices the twinkling of the stars, reminiscing on the night she spent with him, making love under those same stars. His body heat keeping her warm in the cold night, and oh how he felt so good. What she wouldn't do just to have him hold her again! Her body had never felt such pleasure before and now, her heart was left to endure all the pain she'd never knew before either.
She sigh and a tear rolled down her cheek. She thought that love was supposed to be magical and wonderful. She didn't even think that love could be this difficult and painful. Why did she have to go and try to live on the other side of life? Why couldn't she just leave when he told her to? Keep her feelings for him to herself like she'd done in the past years? Isn't that why she'd never even tried to tell him? Because she knew that he wouldn't return her love? That all he'll ever be able to offer her was loneliness?
"You'll always have my heart Sesshoumaru" she said softly, as she closes her eyes to rest knowing her body needs it.
….
…..
Sesshoumaru waited at the well thrusting an impatient hand through his hair. It had been a full week now and he'd been there ever since the day he tried to kill her. He kept hoping - something he'd never done before - that her bubbling little head will show up and he'll get the chance to show her how he feels.
But minutes turned into hours and hours turned into days and still no sign of her. He wasn't really surprised, knowing that he'd tried to kill her in their last encounter. What was wrong with him? What the hell was he thinking? He grunts angrily at himself.
He lets out a heavy sigh of disappointment that she hadn't return. She did say that she loved him didn't she? What is it that he was feeling the past week? Love? Or perhaps it was regret? Yes, only regret. He doesn't love.......
Love….he thought. He had cut off those feelings long ago, when he was still a young pup, and replacing it with cold and numbness in its place. And the only thing that ever mattered to him anymore was to become a powerful InuYokai. Surpassing his Father's powers. He, Sesshoumaru, doesn't love. So why the aching emptiness prickling in his heart? He bit his fangs down on his lips.
....She felt a prickling on her shoulder as she stirs....
The taste and scent of her on him had faded slowly through the week. If there was a way for him to preserve the scent that was hers he would, but there was none. The only thing he had left of her was his own regret, her shirt he'd stolen and the well. The well protected by a strong barrier against demons.
Watching the sun set the InuYokai let out a heavy sigh. If only I hadn't acted so rashly. Turning he looked at the well once again and slide his hand into it, letting the barrier burn him. He waited to feel her again, but all he could feel was the pain from the barrier and vacant in his heart. He finally withdrew his hand from the well and looked at the burning redness of it. It had hurt but the pain was nothing compare to what his soul had been feeling - is still feeling.
....I will always be yours Sesshoumaru for all time, She cried....
He proceeded to leave when he felt a twinge in his heart. A whisper of her voice telling him she loves him, still. Yet, when he turned to look at the well, there was no one there. Foolish! He scolded himself. With one final look of dismay Sesshoumaru turned and headed towards the West in defeat.
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It's been a year since she left him. Each night was restless sleep for him, each day was tiring paperwork from the clan and proposals of peace treaty between villages. He stands looking over his balcony. The servants came by to light the candles for the evening. It flickers in the evening glow. He hears the sound of Rin's footsteps running down the hall, her voice giggling along with one of the human servant boy.
This InuYokai did not mean to have fallen in love with anyone, especially a human miko, but there he was, lost in a trance of missing her.
'I love you my Sesshoumaru'
He hears her voice echoes in his elfin ears. This isn't love! He thought angrily. How can she have robbed this Sesshoumaru of his heart and not return? He thought for sure that she would eventually return but she continued to prove him wrong. Hours past as he stood on his balcony reminiscing of his mate. He clenches her shirt in his hand while his belly somersaults. Her scent is but a slight faint. Yet, he clings onto to still. It was the only thing he has left of her - his heart and soul. That, and the well. He knew that once sleep consumes him, he'll dream of her again. Of holding her and making love to her, knowing the one thing he wants most he can't possess. His mate.
.....