Krieger took off with the disclaimer saying I don't own any Archer characters. Just a strange random thought that ran through my head.
A Night With Godzilla and Rodan
"Man this never gets old," Archer chuckled as he and Lana got dressed in the broom closet where they had once again finished having sex. "This is better than the first time we dated!"
"By the way Krieger keeps calling," Lana sighed. "He says he wants to do a couples night with us."
"Really? Let me check my social schedule," Archer made a pantomime motion of checking his book. "Well I see the twelfth of Never Going To Happen In A Million Years is open. And also the thirteenth of the day after Hell freezes over. But I'm booked up until then."
"Well we have to tell him something," Lana said. "You know how sensitive he is about his…girlfriend. Or wife or whatever she is. Does she even have a name?"
"I think she does," Archer frowned. "I could have sworn I saw it on her bowling jacket. Was it Yuriko? Yumiko? I'm pretty sure it had a Y in it."
"I think her name is Mitsuko," Lana told him.
"Really?" Archer blinked. "Huh. I was way off with that one."
"Well it's not like we have that many options," Lana groaned. "Oh dear God we don't have that many options."
"What do you mean? Of course we have options!" Archer scoffed. "Look at us! We…."
"I'm not talking about a three way Archer!" Lana barked. "Or whatever sex act you were thinking of!"
"I wasn't…" Archer made a scoffing sound. "Anyway the swinging scene is dying down anyway. Kind of passé."
"Let's face it Archer we don't exactly have that many friends," Lana groaned. "Let alone couples we can go out with."
"What? Like we're some kind of losers who can't get anybody to be friends with?" Archer scoffed.
"Okay so who can we go out with?" Lana folded her arms. "Name one couple!"
"Uh…" Archer blinked. "Hold on…I had something for this…Well there's always…"
Somewhere other than the broom closet. Across the ocean actually…
"Okay! This time Boris has waffles!" Boris said cheerfully as he produced a plate of waffles. "Ta Dah!" He was wearing a pink and black short silk robe.
"Boris…" Katya said in a disappointed tone. "Why is kitchen on fire?"
"Uhhhh…" Boris winced at the sight of smoke behind him. "Capitalist spies?"
"Ugh…" Katya groaned.
Back to the broom closet…
"Uh no, wait. That's a bad idea," Archer winced as he thought about it.
"We don't even know any other couples," Lana frowned. "Other than Charles and Rudy."
"Those dicks?" Archer barked.
"And of course you would have a problem going out with a gay couple," Lana added.
"A gay couple who stole our money, cocaine, faked their deaths and tried to kill us!" Archer barked. "So yeah Lana I would have a problem with that!"
"You actually believe me now that Ramon faked his death?" Lana asked.
"Well…Ramon kind of left a few messages on my answering machine and I could hear Charles and Rudy screaming in the background…" Archer admitted. "So yeah."
"So who else can we go out with?" Lana asked.
"I don't know. Maybe Cyril will get back together with Cheryl?" Archer shrugged.
"Really?" Lana gave him a look. "And if something that horrible did happen don't you think any interaction with them would be extremely awkward? For both of us?"
"Oh because I cheated on you with Cheryl and Cyril cheated on you with Cheryl…" Archer realized. "And you slept with Cyril and…Yeah that might be kind of awkward."
"You think?" Lana barked.
"Okay well what if Pam and Cheryl…" Archer began. "Oh wait. That's even worse."
"Yeah that's one messed up cabbage patch I don't want to go back into," Lana groaned. "And I'm pretty sure Ray's not seeing anyone."
"Unless Milton is gay…" Archer snickered.
"Archer!" Lana barked.
"You're right. Not funny," Archer shrugged. "Ray is too high maintenance for Milton."
"Can you focus for a minute please?" Lana groaned. "There's really no one else we know. Unless…?"
"Unless what?"
"Well there is your mother and Ron," Lana admitted.
"There is also Godzilla and Rodan!" Archer barked. "But at least Godzilla doesn't make soul crushing comments and doesn't fight as much with Rodan!"
"Archer…"
"Do you know what the difference between Godzilla and my mother is?" Archer asked. "One is a reptilian monster bent on destroying everything in its path! And the other is Godzilla!"
"You're overreacting," Lana rolled her eyes.
"No, I'm not! If anything I'm underreacting!" Archer barked. "Do you have any concept how bad that idea is? A night with Godzilla and Rodan will cause a lot less damage!"
"Archer…"
"Lana you obviously have not thought this through," Archer went on in a very worried tone. "Let's skip over the obvious fact that if my mother ever finds out about us she will make it her mission in her life to ruin my life! I mean she's already halfway there…"
"Archer…"
"And let's zoom over the fact that once she discovers that the two of us have been keeping our relationship a secret she will plot some kind of scheme to keep us apart and punish us!" Archer went down. "Now that I think about it, a night with her and Ron might cover it."
"It can't be that bad," Lana said.
"Oh really? Have you already forgotten what we witnessed the last time we went to pick up AJ from the gruesome twosome?" Archer barked. "I know you obviously have blocked that memory out but try to think about it…"
"I already am…" Lana admitted with a groan.
Let's go back to that day shall we?
"What the hell are you doing now?" Mallory Archer shouted at her husband in their living room.
"It's called eating! You should try it sometime!" Ron was sitting on the couch and had several take out plates over a long low table in front of him. "Not everyone can live on a diet of alcohol and bile you know?"
"Not in my living room!" Mallory protested.
"Technically this is still my living room!" Ron snapped at her. "Since my name is still on the apartment lease. Which means I am paying your rent! And your taxes on this place! So I deserve some dinner I bought with my money!"
"Why can't you eat in the dining room?" Mallory snapped.
"Because the TV isn't in the dining room!" Ron pointed to the television. "And I'd like to watch the ball game while I eat dinner. Which by the way you haven't cooked for me in months! Not that anything you ever cooked for me was slightly close to edible! I've had prison food that tasted better!"
"Well I'm living in a prison right now!" Mallory snapped.
"Oh yes it must be such a hardship for you to have someone else pay your bills and sponge off of while you're off playing spymaster for Double O Crazy-Os!" Ron shouted. "Mrs. Take My Money and Spend All My Pennies!"
"You are ruining my life!" Mallory shouted.
"Right back at ya Sweetheart!" Ron took a big bite of pizza.
"Don't you call me Sweetheart!" Mallory snapped.
"Keep it up and I'll call you a lot of things!" Ron snarled. "Especially to my attorney!"
"Uh so thanks for watching AJ for us…" Lana said as she held her daughter. Archer was there with her and they were rather stunned. "We really appreciate that…"
"I need a drink!" Mallory turned away to get one.
"Don't bother! We're out of vodka!" Ron sneered.
"RARRRRRRRRR!" Mallory made a frustrated roar that sounded surprisingly like a certain Japanese monster.
That's when Ron accidentally spilled some pizza on the couch. "Now look what you made me do!" Ron snapped. He picked up another slice of pizza.
"You got pepperoni and sauce all over my couch! This is one of the reasons why I can't have nice things anymore!" Mallory shouted as she knocked the pizza out of Ron's hand. "Great! Not only are we going to get ants, now I have to get the couch cleaned!"
"WHAT DO YOU CARE? I'M THE SCHMUCK THAT HAS TO PAY FOR IT?" Ron yelled as he started to throw food at her. "SO I MIGHT AS WELL GET MY MONEY'S WORTH!"
"You! You! Creep!" Mallory shrieked as Ron threw food. She grabbed food and started to throw food back. "I married a slob!"
"Compared to what I married a slob is looking pretty good right about now!" Ron threw food at her. "I can't believe I ever thought a dame like you had class!"
"I've got more class in my middle finger than you have in your whole body!" Mallory shouted as the two had a food fight right there in the living room.
"You wanna see my middle finger Mallory…?" Ron shouted.
"BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS RON!" Mallory shouted.
"BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS MALLORY!" Ron shouted back.
"We should go," Lana gulped.
"Yeah uh, see you later…" Archer backed away with Lana and AJ as they escaped the food fight.
Back to the present.
"Oh dear God," Realization hit Lana. "We can never go out to dinner with them."
"Unless we want to destroy all of downtown Tokyo," Archer groaned. "So really our only option is…Damn. We're screwed.
"I know. So…?" Lana asked.
"Tell Krieger we'll make it for Friday night but not in his lab," Archer relented. "Unless…Are we a hundred percent sure Milton's not gay?"