1 The Edge of Maybe
I've been around nearly a quarter of a century and known only one love. I'm pretty okay with that. Shit, I probably don't even deserve love at all. It's not like I've lived a worthy life. Or unlife. As a man, I was a whoring, drunken, freeloader-a real peach of a guy. As a vampire, I spent decades bringing chaos and pain to the world and had so much fun doing it. Sure, since I got my soul back I've done good. I like to think that I've even made a difference, but I probably don't deserve the love that I've experienced. So I feel lucky that I have experienced one love. Grateful. Until five minutes ago, I never thought of the possibility of knowing another love, a different love. It's amazing how two words can completely fuck up your perspective. Fred and all her talk of kyerumption and moiré and suddenly my world is all askew. Cordelia? I don't know what or how I feel.
With Buffy, I knew. The moment I saw her out the window of Whistler's car, I ached for her. For the first time in decades, I wanted to leave my cold existence and help. What I had with Buffy burned. Like a fire it kept me warm, but at the same time it was dangerous. Buffy and I hurt each other a lot. Too many times. It wasn't intentional. I would never hurt Buffy intentionally. The pain we caused each other was inevitable. A slayer and her creature of the night boyfriend. It was a pretty fucked up notion. What Buffy and I had, have (I don't even know if it was or is) was complicated. We loved each other but couldn't do anything about it. Still, Buffy changed me forever. She made me want to live. She made me feel.
Cordelia baffles me. When we first met up in LA she was the same old Sunnydale Cordelia. Queen bitch. A shallow, vapid girl who cared more about shoes than she did about people. She's changed over the years. Even before the whole vision thing I could tell that she was starting to care. Maybe she did all along. Just did a hell of a job hiding it. Now Cordy cares so much. I'm sometimes blown away by how much she cares. I worry that she might care too much when in see what the visions are doing to her. What she doesn't want us to see. What Cordelia and I have is simple. She loves me. She tells me that often and freely. It amazes me how easily she says that she loves us. I trust Cordelia completely and despite all my screw-ups she trusts me too. God knows why. Cordy has changed me too. She makes me laugh.
Sometimes I think that I know Cordelia better than I knew Buffy. Isn't it often the case that our friends know us better than our lovers? Love can be blinding sometimes. Friendship opens our eyes. I know that when we were together Willow and Xander knew Buffy better than I knew her. She had this life outside of me. I never really had a life outside of her, but Buffy had a life that I would never see-- a life in the sunlight. She went to class and sat outside and would come to me at night and I could smell the sun on her. It shimmered on her. I lived for those moments when she came to me. We fought the good fight together in the darkness and then when the sun rose she'd go off to her other life. As soon as she left, I began waiting for her to come back to me. I existed for her to come back to me. It was enough that she came back to me.
Cordelia has no life outside of me. She did once, before the visions. Now she makes futile attempts to pretend that she has another existence. She takes acting lessons and talks of dating, but in the end she fails at having a normal life. I didn't completely get that until recently. When Wesley told me off after my "epiphany", told me I didn't know Cordelia, I started watching her. I saw her leave the office talking of the plans she had with friends. Later, I'd drive to her apartment and see her curled up on the couch with a book in hand. She doesn't want me to know that her life has become our work. Our work has become her life. I think she doesn't want me to feel guilty. Her life is what it is because of me. The visions bind her to me so she can know nothing else. She told me once it was her choice, but she was lying. It wasn't her choice. It was Doyle's.
What I have with Cordelia is calm and quiet. Buffy and I were tense. Intense. I never thought there might be something else. Someone else. They say love hurts, but does it have to?
I've lived nearly two hundred and fifty years and I've known only one love. Can I know another love? I don't know for sure. So for now I guess I'll stay where I am. Sitting on the edge of maybe.
I've been around nearly a quarter of a century and known only one love. I'm pretty okay with that. Shit, I probably don't even deserve love at all. It's not like I've lived a worthy life. Or unlife. As a man, I was a whoring, drunken, freeloader-a real peach of a guy. As a vampire, I spent decades bringing chaos and pain to the world and had so much fun doing it. Sure, since I got my soul back I've done good. I like to think that I've even made a difference, but I probably don't deserve the love that I've experienced. So I feel lucky that I have experienced one love. Grateful. Until five minutes ago, I never thought of the possibility of knowing another love, a different love. It's amazing how two words can completely fuck up your perspective. Fred and all her talk of kyerumption and moiré and suddenly my world is all askew. Cordelia? I don't know what or how I feel.
With Buffy, I knew. The moment I saw her out the window of Whistler's car, I ached for her. For the first time in decades, I wanted to leave my cold existence and help. What I had with Buffy burned. Like a fire it kept me warm, but at the same time it was dangerous. Buffy and I hurt each other a lot. Too many times. It wasn't intentional. I would never hurt Buffy intentionally. The pain we caused each other was inevitable. A slayer and her creature of the night boyfriend. It was a pretty fucked up notion. What Buffy and I had, have (I don't even know if it was or is) was complicated. We loved each other but couldn't do anything about it. Still, Buffy changed me forever. She made me want to live. She made me feel.
Cordelia baffles me. When we first met up in LA she was the same old Sunnydale Cordelia. Queen bitch. A shallow, vapid girl who cared more about shoes than she did about people. She's changed over the years. Even before the whole vision thing I could tell that she was starting to care. Maybe she did all along. Just did a hell of a job hiding it. Now Cordy cares so much. I'm sometimes blown away by how much she cares. I worry that she might care too much when in see what the visions are doing to her. What she doesn't want us to see. What Cordelia and I have is simple. She loves me. She tells me that often and freely. It amazes me how easily she says that she loves us. I trust Cordelia completely and despite all my screw-ups she trusts me too. God knows why. Cordy has changed me too. She makes me laugh.
Sometimes I think that I know Cordelia better than I knew Buffy. Isn't it often the case that our friends know us better than our lovers? Love can be blinding sometimes. Friendship opens our eyes. I know that when we were together Willow and Xander knew Buffy better than I knew her. She had this life outside of me. I never really had a life outside of her, but Buffy had a life that I would never see-- a life in the sunlight. She went to class and sat outside and would come to me at night and I could smell the sun on her. It shimmered on her. I lived for those moments when she came to me. We fought the good fight together in the darkness and then when the sun rose she'd go off to her other life. As soon as she left, I began waiting for her to come back to me. I existed for her to come back to me. It was enough that she came back to me.
Cordelia has no life outside of me. She did once, before the visions. Now she makes futile attempts to pretend that she has another existence. She takes acting lessons and talks of dating, but in the end she fails at having a normal life. I didn't completely get that until recently. When Wesley told me off after my "epiphany", told me I didn't know Cordelia, I started watching her. I saw her leave the office talking of the plans she had with friends. Later, I'd drive to her apartment and see her curled up on the couch with a book in hand. She doesn't want me to know that her life has become our work. Our work has become her life. I think she doesn't want me to feel guilty. Her life is what it is because of me. The visions bind her to me so she can know nothing else. She told me once it was her choice, but she was lying. It wasn't her choice. It was Doyle's.
What I have with Cordelia is calm and quiet. Buffy and I were tense. Intense. I never thought there might be something else. Someone else. They say love hurts, but does it have to?
I've lived nearly two hundred and fifty years and I've known only one love. Can I know another love? I don't know for sure. So for now I guess I'll stay where I am. Sitting on the edge of maybe.