Forewords – Author's Notes
Once when visiting Xiao Yan Zi in the palace, Xiao Jian met Qing Er. They fell in love. Because of this, Xiao Jian definitely let go of his past grudge against the Emperor. He told Xiao Yan Zi about their family's past with the Emperor and Xiao Yan Zi, then still engaged to Yong Qi, agreed to let the past be the past, especially when they realised their version of events could be biased and was told second hand. They also agreed to tell the Emperor but not Lao Fo Ye. However, Lao Fo Ye still found out the truth about their family background and the fact that Qing Er and Xiao Jian were in love. She used the information to end Yong Qi's engagement to Xiao Yan Zi as she felt Yong Qi's chances to be Crown Prince would be lessened if he married Xiao Yan Zi. Lao Fo Ye therefore told Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi that she will not charge Xiao Jian with treason from his previous plans to assassinate the Emperor if they broke off their engagement and Yong Qi marry Xi Lin Jue Luo Mei Ru. If they do this, she would let Xiao Jian and Qing Er marry. If they insist on marrying, however, Xiao Jian would be charged with treason, and so will Er Kang and Zi Wei, since they had previous knowledge of Xiao Jian's plans and did not report him. If they are charged, they will definitely die. So, to save Xiao Jian, Er Kang and Zi Wei, Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi painfully accepted to end their engagement.
And I am quite aware that the Qing empire would never have had an ambassador to anywhere near Europe, nor would have they much trading links between them, considering Sino-European relations at that time was appallingly bad, where China thinks it's the centre of the universe and doesn't need to affiliate itself with barbaric countries of Europe. But for the sake of this story, I had to make them have an ambassador to England (it's far away enough). Just bear with the historical inaccuracy a bit!
Chapter 1: Home Coming
Yong Qi stared blankly at the long and boring looking report in front of him. He had read the opening about five times and the meaning still had not made any appearance. He let out an exasperated sigh and snapped the report closed. He knew he would not get much work done tonight.
Yong Qi looked up as the door to the study opened and a young woman walked in. Her presence didn't surprise him. His wife would often make her appearance while he was working to offer him refreshments.
Yong Qi looked at her. There was a part of him that that was thankful that she was his wife, however, there was a much larger part of him that regretted and agonised over the fact that his wife, the woman he was to share his life with, could not have been someone else.
Yong Qi shook himself. No, it was not Mei Ru's fault that they were trapped in this marriage. Nor was it his fault. He really didn't have anyone to blame. If he had to place blame, he could only blame Heaven for having him born who he was.
Yong Qi bit back a sigh as Mei Ru raised an eyebrow at his melancholy look. But she didn't comment. She knew all too well what goes on in his mind every time he sets eyes on her and was reminded who she was...to him. She set down the teacup she was holding in her hands and walked behind his chair, rested her chin on the top of his head as her fingers massaged the pain that had settled in his neck and shoulder from sitting in the same position for a long time. Yong Qi could not help but marvel how they could be in this position, a position which onlookers might take as very intimate, and still have completely platonic feelings towards each other.
"At least this year, Lao Fo Ye is not here to remind us about what today is anymore," Mei Ru said. Though like the rest of the family, Yong Qi had felt enormous grief at his grandmother's passing away five months ago, but there was a part of his that was selfishly relieved that, indeed, like Mei Ru said, Lao Fo Ye was no longer here to bring up unpleasant memories, unpleasant subjects of conversations and remind him of days that he longed to forget but could not.
Mei Ru sighed audibly above him, and asked, "What plans to do you have for tonight?" Mei Ru asked sarcastically.
"How does no plan is good plan sound?" Yong Qi asked back.
"Perfect. Not, that, of course, I will have anyone to have to lie to about how I spent the night of my wedding anniversary," Mei Ru said, a sneer just audible in her tone.
Yong Qi smiled deprecatingly. No, they could from now on spend all their nights however they wanted and never have to be interrogated about them. He knew his grandmother meant well, but it didn't comfort Yong Qi that he should be reminded so constantly of what he lost.
Yong Qi tried not to think of Xiao Yan Zi.
Xiao Yan Zi.
The name that once brought a smille to his face now only reminded him of the pain he was suffering constantly in his heart. He had tried desperately to forget her but forgetting her was as impossible as counting the stars in Heaven. He found out, after he'd tried, that he didn't even want to forget her. Of course, not thinking of her today was impossible, like it was everyday. The day that was supposed to be the anniversary to the happiest day of his life was marred by a loss Yong Qi knew he would never get over.
He knew Lao Fo Ye never liked her. But he didn't think Lao Fo Ye's disapproval would have led to this. The last thing he knew before he was swept into this whirlwind was that he was happily looking forward to his marriage to the love of his life. Then his grandmother had abruptly and bluntly told him that she was not sanctioning the marriage. The marriage was not to take place. Instead, Lao Fo Ye had chosen Mei Ru of the Manchurian Xi Lin Jue Luo clan as his bride.
Looking back now, he knew they were all taken by surprise, him, Xiao Yan Zi, Qian Long, everyone. Who would have thought Lao Fo Ye of all people, one who followed the way of the Buddha, who meditate of higher meanings of life, would resort to blackmail? Yong Qi thought wryly. Yet she had done it. Lao Fo Ye had blackmailed both him and Xiao Yan Zi into agreeing to end their engagement and Yong Qi to marry Mei Ru.
Not long after they returned to Beijing, Xiao Yan Zi had found out about the truth behind her family's death, how Qian Long was the one who ordered their execution. The truth shaken both Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi, but Xiao Yan Zi had, after having had time to think about it, accepted the fact and realised she could not possibly stop loving either Yong Qi or Qian Long if she tried. No, Qian Long was the only father she had ever known. No matter what mistake he made in the past, she would accept it. After all, hadn't Heaven set this up? Hadn't Heaven brought her here, into Qian Long's folds? If Qian Long had been the one to deprive Xiao Yan Zi of her family, he was also the one to give Xiao Yan Zi the family she had then, and the man she loved.
Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi, Zi Wei, Er Kang and Xiao Jian had agreed to throw all caution to the wind and told Qian Long the truth about their identities. Qian Long had been greatly shocked but had personally gone through the archives of the case regarding Xiao Yan Zi and Xiao Jian's father and had saw that he had been misled to order the Fang family's execution based on false report. Yet, he was touched that both Xiao Yan Zi and Xiao Jian were ready to let the mistake go, both for their own happiness. Qian Long had long seen that Xiao Yan Zi was too much in love with Yong Qi to ever let his mistake come between their future. Now, he learnt that Xiao Jian and Qing Er had also come to an understanding. If he had been responsible for taking away these two young people's proper childhood, Qian Long vowed he would do everything to ensure their happiness and marriage to their loves.
Everyone involved had agreed not to tell Lao Fo Ye about the truth of the Fang family, however, the spy network in the palace was dense. The truth got back to Lao Fo Ye. Yong Qi would never have imagined Lao Fo Ye ever using her favourite granddaughter, her own Qing Er, as blackmail material over him and Xiao Yan Zi. Lao Fo Ye had given him and Xiao Yan Zi a choice. She would not charge neither Xiao Yan Zi nor Xiao Jian with treason in having the parentage they do (and Xiao Jian having had intentions of killing the Emperor), if Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi were to break off their engagement and Yong Qi were to marry Mei Ru. If they did this, she would continue to accept Xiao Yan Zi as Huan Zhu Ge Ge and let Xiao Jian marry Qing Er. Yong Qi had thought the part about Xiao Jian marrying Qing Er was added as an afterthought, to strengthen the bargain. If they didn't agree to this, she would charge Xiao Jian with treason, and even then, with enough strategy, Xiao Jian would not escape death. Lao Fo Ye knew she had enough power in court so that if she took charge of this case, not even Qian Long could save him.
Yong Qi remembered the terrible dilemma he had been in then. A choice between his and Xiao Yan Zi's happiness against her brother's life. Never before had Yong Qi been more sure that he would leave everything he had to be with Xiao Yan Zi as that moment. He, Xiao Yan Zi, Xiao Jian and Qing Er had all planned their escape, but in the end gave up their plans as they knew the price Zi Wei, Er Kang and the rest of the Fu family would pay if they ran away. Yong Qi knew Lao Fo Ye well enough to know that he could not call her bluff. It was not a bluff. Lao Fo Ye would not hesitate to hurt even Qian Long to punish Yong Qi if he didn't do what she demanded. Never had Yong Qi felt that he hated his grandmother as then. Yet never before had he understood why his grandmother made such decisions as then. He was not as childish as not to see there was a deep belief that this was all for his best interest under all Lao Fo Ye's threats and plans. But he couldn't appreciate such care, tried as he did.
Yet through everything, it had been Xiao Yan Zi who convinced Yong Qi, Xiao Jian and Qing Er all to follow Lao Fo Ye's set up. She had somehow managed to talk Yong Qi into accepting Lao Fo Ye's plan, leaving her on her own to endure her broken heart.
As soon as they agreed to the plan, Xiao Jian and Qing Er's wedding had taken place first. Then Yong Qi and Mei Ru had married. His wedding day, the day he had imagined just months before to be happiest days of his life, was a big nightmare, a nightmare he knew he could not wake from.
He had only met Mei Ru once before their wedding, before Lao Fo Ye came up with this elaborate plan. At the time, he had liked her; she and Xiao Yan Zi seemed to be drawn to each other. He knew, under other circumstances, the two young women would have been the best of friends.
Yet tried as he might, Yong Qi soon found he could not hate Mei Ru, or help liking her. There was no doubt that Mei Ru was very intelligent, beautiful and accomplished, in other words, everything a man could possibly hope for in a wife. Yet their relationship was that of a very platonic friendship, where both of them were aware they didn't love each other and both were forced into this marriage.
Yet, somehow, Yong Qi had felt that Mei Ru was at least lucky. Mei Ru at least knew the object her heart was no longer alive. She didn't have anything to look over her shoulders to. Xiao Yan Zi...Yong Qi closed his eyes as he remembered how the morning after his wedding night (a night which he and Mei Ru had spent sitting on opposite sides of the room, neither able to get any sleep or peace of mind), he came to Fang residence only to find Xiao Jian, Qing Er, Zi Wei and Er Kang all present and for them to tell him that Xiao Yan Zi had disappeared during the night. She had left a letter behind for him, in which she explained she could not possibly stay and face him as a married man and she was not his wife. Yong Qi couldn't blame her for leaving. No, he had half expected her departure. He knew Xiao Yan Zi had been deeply hurt by his grandmother's plans, more than she ever told him. The looks she gave him were more than enough to tell him of the heartbreak she must have been going through. The very same heartbreak he still suffered from today, three years after the night she left.
Qian Long had conducted a search for Xiao Yan Zi, despite the young people's protests that it would do Xiao Yan Zi more harm than good to drag her back to Beijing, having to face Yong Qi and Lao Fo Ye again. However, the search had been in vain. No trace of Xiao Yan Zi had been found and eventually, after nearly a year, Qian Long had given up, feeling guilty that he had been powerless to regain his adopted daughter, to stop the agony his favourite son and daughter were going through in losing Xiao Yan Zi.
Yong Qi could not blame his father. He had done everything he could. He knew Lao Fo Ye would have her way when she set her mind to it. Yet he felt guilty that all this drama that didn't involve them directly at all had put a gloom over Zi Wei and Er Kang's wedding a year after his own. They didn't deserve this turmoil before their wedding. And now, when he looked at them, Yong Qi could not contain the jealousy he felt at their happiness. That glow of bliss that surrounded Er Kang and Zi Wei should have been theirs as well, his and Xiao Yan Zi's. He knew there was always a shadow over Xiao Jian and Qing Er's marriage of how it had came about, and he felt guilty for being part of it. He knew they were also feeling guilty for the state of his marriage. He had found it extremely hard to congratulate either of his friends when Qing Er and Zi Wei announced their pregnancies. He had sat with both Xiao Jian and Er Kang throughout the births of their respective children wishing he was in their situation, knowing he might never understand the agitation they were going through, never knowing what it was like being a father.
Yong Qi considered Mei Ru. It was not Mei Ru's fault. She was as much a victim as he was in this marriage. A victim of her family's ambition for power, for status. She was forced into this as he was. Yet these three years, she had been his comfort. She had listened to him pour his heart out to her one night, taken in every detail about everything that went on between him and Xiao Yan Zi. She had let him pour his frustrations, his pain, and his heartbreak out to her. And she had understood. She didn't judge him, but comforted him. As aloof and cold as Mei Ru appeared on the outside, Yong Qi had come to see that she possessed a big heart, a heart that she had lost to love, but could still offer him in friendship. Together, they had deflected every attempt on Lao Fo Ye's side to persuade them to consummate their marriage and have children. It had always been Lao Fo Ye who threw not-so-subtle hints at them on this subject, something that only reminded both of them too clearly of what they lost. They both knew neither of them wanted this marriage. If they had to live together, they would be friends. But they would not consummate this marriage. Not when neither of them felt the inclination nor the passion.
Yong Qi knew Mei Ru had taught herself to lock up her feelings and passion deep inside her heart and put on a mask of serenity. It was her defence against her family's berating the man she loved, her defence against the constant talks of marriage before she married Yong Qi, the only way she knew how to stop herself from hurting. It had taken him a while for Mei Ru to confide in him, but Yong Qi eventually found out that Mei Ru was in love with another man, named Du An, of a lower class than herself. Her father, a high ranking official, had always had his heart set on her marrying well, no lower than a prince. She, a pure-blood Manchurian, could hardly be allowed to marry a lowly common Han, in her father's opinion. After a failed attempt to elope, Mei Ru's father had beat Du An to death. Mei Ru never recovered from the loss or the cruelty of her father. It had taken Yong Qi, Zi Wei and Qing Er a good long time before they could get Mei Ru to see a point in life again, and to show more on her face than a cold passivity.
And tonight, the night of their third wedding anniversary, they both knew the last thing on either of their minds right now was celebration. Their wedding anniversary had always been a day of pain for Yong Qi, who only was reminded of Xiao Yan Zi's departure and a time of deep sorrow for Mei Ru because the day reminded her of what she could have had, had she been born into a different family. Both their miseries on this day had made it a strangely comforting time for both of them, when they could just sympathise with each other and forget the fact that they were actually married in the first place.
They had both retired to sit on the couch on the opposite side of his work desk.
"I saw your father today; he was in a very odd mood. Do you know what he's on about?" Yong Qi asked.
"Hmm? Oh he's just annoyed that there are rumours about Huang Ah Ma reconsidering his will, especially the clause about the heir to the throne," Mei Ru answered.
"Oh! I'm glad, actually, that Huang Ah Ma is reconsidering," Yong Qi said.
Mei Ru laughed. "Do you realise the irony of the situation? We married so that Lao Fo Ye could have the hope of you being made Crown Prince some day, and now the whole reason Huang Ah Ma is not making you Crown Prince is that you don't have an heir, and that's because you married me. We're supposed to be upset that Huang Ah Ma's considering taking you off the roll for succession, but we're both rejoicing in it. My father would have a fit if he knew how much we're not disturbed by this news."
Yong Qi said derisively. "Some people around here need to get a life and realise the world doesn't revolve around who they take precedence over."
"What if Huang Ah Ma still keeps you on?" Mei Ru asked. "It's not impossible, you know. Huang Ah Ma might just decide the throne can pass on to one of your brothers or nephews after you and give it to you anyway."
"I think Huang Ah Ma knows that if it's given to me, I will take it, perhaps not with joy like my brothers, but with the responsibilities that the job is due. It is just - Huang Ah Ma must know there are too many times when I let my feelings lead my way instead of my head and I can hardly think anyone in this court agreeing with such logic."
Mei Ru hesitated. "You and Xiao Yan Zi together would have been perfect choice to rule over this country. You both value the people too well to abuse your power, you complement each other out. She's stubborn enough to endure your own stubbornness. But I hardly think you and I would have made such a good team."
"How would you know?" Yong Qi asked blankly. Mei Ru hardly ever spoke of Xiao Yan Zi, as he hardly ever spoke of Du An, seeing as those were sore subjects for both of them. "You only saw us together once before this whole hullabaloo started up and our lives get totally turned upside down."
"I saw enough to see that there couldn't have been a better match to be found anywhere. I am only sorry Lao Fo Ye never - " Here, Mei Ru broke off, sighing.
Yong Qi knew very well that for years, the name of the prince that was to succeed Qian Long to the throne, as present in Qian Long's will, was his own. He never desired the position and could never see how his brothers could throw away every good principle to kill each other for the position. Yet paradoxically, it was his obvious neglect to fight for it that made Qian Long chose him all this time as his heir. It had never been an official transaction but the whole court had known that he was Qian Long's choice. Yet Yong Qi felt a strange satisfaction that Qian Long was now forced to reconsider. Qian Long knew Yong Qi well enough that he would not go against his principles and have children with Mei Ru just for the sake of getting heirs. Qian Long knew he could not let Yong Qi inherit the throne without having heirs to eventually inherit from him. As much hopes as Qian Long placed on Yong Qi, and as much faith as Qian Long had in that Yong Qi would be the ruler that China needed, he knew Yong Qi didn't deserve to have another decision about his life forced on him. Not after what Lao Fo Ye had forced him into. Qian Long knew Yong Qi was reluctant to admit the fact that he had such high chance to be the next emperor of China. Yet Qian Long also knew, if it came down to it, Yong Qi would accept his responsibilities fully. But Qian Long could not bear the thought of forcing Yong Qi into anything. If it meant he had to look elsewhere for his successor, so be it.
Yong Qi was far from being ignorant of the sacrifice Qian Long was making in reconsidering him as his heir. He knew, however little he agreed to it or admitted it, that Qian Long truly believed that he was the best choice out of all the princes for the throne. By stopping himself from forcing a reluctant Yong Qi to take the throne, at what could be the expense of the well being of his country, Qian Long was showing more fatherly love and affection than Yong Qi had ever known him to show. Displays of affection between Qian Long and his sons had always been next to nonexistent, this sacrifice was significant indeed.
Having seventeen sons, however, Qian Long was in no shortage of choice. Surely, Yong Qi would have been the best choice, but there were others capable of the job. And Yong Qi's qualities would still be put to good use for the country, if Qian Long chose the right brother that Yong Qi would get on and cooperate successfully with.
Qian Long knew, without a doubt, that the most suitable candidate who would make as good a ruler as Yong Qi for China, as well as would appreciate the assets Yong Qi brought to the throne, was his third son.
"I have a sneaking feeling I know who Huang Ah Ma would choose as his successor," Yong Qi told Mei Ru.
"Who?"
"My brother," Yong Qi shrugged.
"No, really? I thought it'd be my brother!" Mei Ru said sarcastically.
"Technically, he's your brother as well. But anyway, to refer to the other princes, I am using the word brother very lightly. San Ah Ge Yong Zhang is the only one of all the princes I would truly call my brother in the truest sense of the word. Anyway, Huang Ah Ma had a concubine once, named Lan Fei," Yong Qi told her. "She was originally my mother's maid, but caught Huang Ah Ma's fancy and he made her a concubine. She actually died giving birth to San Ah Ge, so my mother took Yong Zhang in as her son. He and I were very close, well when he was still living in China, at least. He is three years older than me but there didn't seem to be an age difference between us. He didn't mind my tagging along with everything he did. Yong Zhang had always been interested in foreign countries, especially far away ones like England. When Huang Ah Ma sent Yong Zhang's maternal uncle, Chen Ke Lin to England to act as an ambassador, Yong Zhang begged Huang Ah Ma to let him go with his uncle. Huang Ah Ma was very reluctant at first, because he was only seventeen then, but in the end, Huang Ah Ma finally agreed. Back then, I was pretty young so Yong Zhang was on top of Huang Ah Ma's list of potential successor. He would still have been these last few years had he not gone galloping off half way across the world. Now Huang Ah Ma's calling him back. I think Huang Ah Ma's not going to make it official soon, just subjecting Yong Zhang to court again, to see how he copes. At least that's what he told me. He told me Yong Zhang has been away for too long. He will have to come back sometime, and now is as good time as any. It's been ten years. Anyway, Huang Ah Ma received a letter from Yong Zhang yesterday and he's already on his way from England."
"I always wondered what happened to San Ah Ge. I mean, I've met all your brothers and no one seems to ever talk about San Ah Ge so I never asked - "
"I think it's more that he's been away for so long. Correspondence is rare and few in between that there's nothing really to talk about him. I'll be glad to see him again. We were really close but then again it's been ten years so I'll have to see how that's drawn us apart."
"It shouldn't have. Why should it? I don't think neither of you would have changed in essence."
"Perhaps."
Nearly a month later, San Ah Ge was due to arrive Beijing. Knowing his third son was reserved in his life like his fifth, Qian Long didn't plan an elaborate greeting with the whole court present like was due, but a more subdued greeting of just him, Yong Qi, Ling Fei and Er Kang in Qian Qing Gong. They would be presented to the rest of court later on in a banquet that night.
This proved to be an unconsciously wise move.
Yong Zhang didn't arrive to Beijing alone as they had all expected. When Qian Long, Ling Fei, Yong Qi and Er Kang entered Qian Qing Gong, they were greeted with the sight of Yong Zhang. He was a tall young man, not obviously handsome like his brother Yong Qi, but there was an open, alert countenance on his face that rendered him looking very amiable. There was a distinct aura of aristocracy about his manners that was the perfect sign of his coming from the most illustrious empire in Asia.
His companion gave his family the biggest shock they had suffered in the longest time. Though being Yong Zhang's "sister", he had only met her on the ship on the way back to China. The woman was young, about four and twenty, though there were faint signs of a troubled life on her countenance.
When our greeting party entered Qian Qing Gong and before they even had a chance to greet Yong Zhang, all four stopped dead in their track and looked at the young woman, all with great degrees of shock written on their face.
"Xiao Yan Zi!" Yong Qi managed to gasp out as Qian Long, Ling Fei and Er Kang continued to gape at the sight of Xiao Yan Zi before them. Xiao Yan Zi's face dawned with recognition as she looked at Qian Long, Ling Fei and Yong Qi but looked at Er Kang quizzically. Yet there was something on her countenance that bothered Yong Qi, that told him she was not the Xiao Yan Zi he saw last...
Why is she with Yong Zhang? Yong Qi immediately found himself wondering. There didn't seem to be any close interaction between Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi but the fact that Xiao Yan Zi had shown up in the palace suddenly out of the blue, and with his brother, of all people, as an escort, it bothered Yong Qi.
"Well...you obviously know her..." Yong Zhang started and trailed off. He distractedly performed the proper greeting bows to Qian Long and Ling Fei but Qian Long told him to dispense the formality with equal distraction, still staring at Xiao Yan Zi in shock. Xiao Yan Zi, all the while, was shifting awkwardly on her feet.
"Erm - before I tell you all how I found Xiao Yan Zi, can we all sit down first?" Yong Zhang asked. When they were all seated, and Ling Fei regained her senses enough to order refreshment, Yong Zhang began his story.
"The first thing you must know is that Xiao Yan Zi seemed to have suffered some memory loss. I found her as the part of the crew of a merchant ship from China and she was being mistreated. I couldn't let the Chinese merchants know my identity so I bought her off their hands and got her to travel with me." Yong Zhang paused, not really sure whether to tell them what Xiao Yan Zi did remember.
There was a silence as this sank in. "Memory loss?" Yong Qi exclaimed. "But - " He drifted off. Memory loss? What did she remember then?
Qian Long addressed Xiao Yan Zi, "Xiao Yan Zi, do you know who I am?"
"You are the Emperor Qian Long," Xiao Yan Zi whispered hesitantly, as if in fear.
Ling Fei shook her head. "Huang Shang, I think that's a bit obvious! Xiao Yan Zi?' Ling Fei addressed Xiao Yan Zi.
"You are Ling Fei Niang Niang," Xiao Yan Zi whispered again in the same hesitant voice.
Seeing that Yong Qi was way too shocked to speak, Er Kang asked Xiao Yan Zi, "Xiao Yan Zi, what's the last thing you remember? Before you find yourself somewhere on a merchant ship?"
Xiao Yan Zi looked at Er Kang, confused. "I'm sorry, I - I don't think I know you - " Xiao Yan Zi hesitated. Yet there was a similarity in his countenance that she could not place.
Er Kang and Yong Qi looked at each other in astonishment. "You don't know him?" Yong Qi asked. So she knew Ling Fei Niang Niang and not Er Kang.
"No, Wu Ah Ge," Xiao Yan Zi said, saving him the trouble of asking if she knew him. Even then, her way of addressing him told Yong Qi that something was definitely not right.
Yong Qi looked at Ling Fei and Qian Long. "Well, obviously you know Yong Qi and Ling Fei," Qian Long said. "Though I don't understand why you wouldn't know Er Kang."
"Xiao Yan Zi, what is the last you remember? About us, I mean?" Yong Qi repeated Er Kang's question.
"I was - Ling Fei Niang Niang took me to the garden and I was - injured - and we met Wu Ah Ge and Fu Er Tai - "
"Of course, you haven't met Er Kang yet. Er Tai's brother," Yong Qi added when Xiao Yan Zi looked at him quizzically.
"Then the next thing I knew I was on a ship. The owner was Chinese and he said he found me fainted in the streets and gave me work on his ship - "
This startled everyone and Qian Long was the only one sensible enough to voice their scruples. "Yong Zhang, what was the condition you found her in and when was this?" Qian Long snapped urgently. Er Kang, Yong Qi and Ling Fei all looked at Yong Zhang with eyes full of worry. There was an odd blazing look that spoke more than worry in Yong Qi's eyes that quite baffled Yong Zhang.
"Five months ago, sir, when we started out from England. She was much mistreated and erm - well, I was able to hire a young Chinese woman who was travelling home from England to China and she tended to Xiao Yan Zi. We dropped her off just out side Beijing where she was reunited with her family. She did erm - tell me Xiao Yan Zi's virtue has not been compromised - " Yong Zhang added as an afterthought.
There was a deep blush from Xiao Yan Zi and visible sighs of relief from all of the others, none so relieved as Yong Qi.
" - Xiao Yan Zi told me what she remembered and since she obviously has some dealing with our family - " Yong Zhang hesitated here. He didn't know how much Qian Long knew of his long lost daughter and he would not put Xiao Yan Zi's life in danger by saying she was not Qian Long's daughter out in the open.
"Wait, if your memory only went up to that point then you wouldn't be aware - " Yong Qi realised. "Huang Ah Ma, this was before you announced Huan Zhu Ge Ge and well, before everything!"
The realisation apparently dawned on Qian Long, Ling Fei and Er Kang as well. Qian Long smiled slightly at Xiao Yan Zi. "So that's why you seemed so terrified when answering me. I know you are not my daughter by birth, Xiao Yan Zi," Qian Long chuckled.
"You do?" Xiao Yan Zi asked, still nervous. "But then - "
"I think I should get Zi Wei here then. She would need to be here," Qian Long said. Then, to an eunuch, Qian Long ordered, "Summon Ming Zhu Ge Ge, Xiao Jian, Qing Ge Ge, Wu Fu Jin here immediately!"
Xiao Yan Zi looked totally confused. Qian Long turned back to her and explained, "Ming Zhu Ge Ge is Zi Wei. Xiao Jian is your brother - "
Xiao Yan Zi choked on her tea. "I have a brother?" she asked, totally astonished.
"Yes, it will all be explained. Qing Ge Ge is my niece, Xiao Jian's wife. And Wu Fu Jin I think is self-explanatory."
Yong Qi forced his face to remain neutral, though he could not keep a somewhat dejected look out of his face as he half-heartedly accepted Yong Zhang's congratulations on his marriage. Er Kang, Qian Long, Ling Fei who were all familiar with the circumstances of his marriage, didn't comment. Yong Zhang merely raised his eyebrow at his lack of enthusiasm.
"I think I should give you a general idea of what happened after that last memory of yours," Qian Long said to Xiao Yan Zi. "After you were injured, which by the way, do you know who actually shot you?" Qian Long asked, trying to determine whether Xiao Yan Zi would remember anything about any connection between her and Yong Qi.
"I think Wu Ah Ge said that he shot me?" Xiao Yan Zi asked blankly.
Yong Qi grimaced as Qian Long, Ling Fei and Er Kang all looked at him, sighing. She obviously didn't remember what they - not exactly wanted – but hoped she remembered. "You shot her?" Yong Zhang asked, astonished.
"Not on purpose, obviously!" Yong Qi said defensively. "It's a long story."
Qian Long nodded. "To summarise, when you were injured, I mistook you for my daughter, and named you Huan Zhu Ge Ge. After some time, I eventually found out the truth and learnt that my real daughter was Zi Wei and named her Ming Zhu Ge Ge. However, you continued to stay in the palace after that as my adopted daughter, Huan Zhu Ge Ge and - "
" - and then you went off one day, three years ago and we couldn't find you and right now, really it's quite a relief to see that you're back, safe again." Yong Qi knew interrupting the emperor was not something one did lightly, but he could not see how else he could make sure his father does not mention anything to Xiao Yan Zi about that.
Obviously, Xiao Yan Zi didn't remember anything about the two of them, or the engagement. The reference to Wu Fu Jin didn't disturb her countenance. She simply didn't remember that part of her life. And he would keep it that way. He could not tell her.
Yong Qi's motives in interrupting Qian Long was not lost on him, Ling Fei or Er Kang but none of them commented.
"That, of course, is the bare bones of the story, but that's all you need to know to calm your nerves right now. I am not about to execute you, no." Qian Long carried on Yong Qi's speech without missing a beat, making it sound like they were in cooperation to tell this story.
At that moment, Xiao Jian, Qing Er, Mei Ru and Zi Wei were all announced.
Qian Long went forward so that the four would have to greet him while still halfway into the room, and hopefully not yet noticed Xiao Yan Zi, to save them the shock. Qing Er's eyes however, found Yong Zhang and her smile widened as she was about to greet her cousin. However, her smile died as she noticed Xiao Yan Zi beside him and let out a gasp, which drew everyone else's attention on Xiao Yan Zi.
Thankfully, Qian Long was able to curb the greeting from the four and briefly explained Xiao Yan Zi's condition to them, meaning that she didn't remember ever meeting any of them, except Zi Wei.
On hearing this news, Mei Ru looked sharply at Yong Qi, and he met her eyes and shook his head slightly. Before she could react, she had to turn back to Xiao Yan Zi as Qian Long was introducing them.
The meeting was awkward, and a bit tense, however, they agreed not to tell Xiao Yan Zi much about her past life yet, waiting until after she had been examined by the physicians before seeing if she couldn't remember details on her own.
After the emotionally exhausting first meeting for all involved, Ling Fei volunteered to take Xiao Yan Zi back to Shu Fang Zhai, where she would now stay and Yong Zhang to his own place called Ren He Gong.
The others, however, lingered at Qian Qing Gong, knowing the situation was not settled as clearly as that.
"We must decide what we are telling her if she can't remember on her own. Of course she will stay here now, but if she has truly lost that part of her life, what exactly are we telling her?" Qian Long asked. The question was more posed at Yong Qi, since he had seen through his son's attempt earlier to not tell Xiao Yan Zi too much.
The others too, looked at Yong Qi. There was not anything about Xiao Yan Zi's life that they couldn't tell her. It was just that particular part of her life.
"We are not telling her about what happened between me and her. It would be much better if she only knew that we were no more than brother and sister," Yong Qi finally said quietly, not looking at any of them.
This decision from Yong Qi didn't surprise any of them. Mei Ru just let out an exasperated sigh. "And you have such brotherly feelings for her," Mei Ru muttered sarcastically under her breath. Yong Qi wheeled around to face her.
"What good would it do for us to tell her? She obviously doesn't remember! If we tell her, things are only going to get awkward, it would only hurt her! She would do better just to forget!" Yong Qi said affectedly.
"She deserves to know the truth, Yong Qi!" Mei Ru snapped back hotly.
"I think," Zi Wei broke in suddenly, "that for now, perhaps we might want to take things slowly. Not tell her...yet. But I don't see how we could keep it from her forever, Yong Qi."
"Why could we not?" Yong Qi challenged stubbornly.
"Because it's her life!" Zi Wei said earnestly. "Yong Qi, none of us should be making this decision of what goes on in her life for her! If we decide to forever keep the truth from her, we are doing just that, and it's not fair."
Eventually, they managed to decide that for now, they would not tell Xiao Yan Zi yet about her previous engagement. However, Yong Qi was sure he would do everything to make sure she never knew.
Mei Ru knew all too well what was going through Yong Qi's head that day and only that night, when they got back from the welcoming feast, where Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi were welcomed back to court, she rounded out on him.
"Yong Qi, I know what you're up to! You're not ever going to tell her, are you? You're going to stop everyone from doing so!"
"Yes," Yong Qi said flatly, knowing it was pointless to fight with Mei Ru.
"Yong Qi! That's not fair! Why shouldn't she know?"
"Because," Yong Qi said exasperatedly, "she has been hurt enough. Tell me, Mei Ru, how am I supposed to tell her this? How do I remind her of everything and watch her hurt again? How? I've hurt her enough, Mei Ru. She deserves so much better and she should just forget me! It's for the best. Perhaps that's why she doesn't remember...because Heaven didn't want her to go through this again..."
"Her head might have forgotten you, but her heart surely has not, Yong Qi! I know that! With the proper encouragement, I think she will come to remember everything between you. You should tell her the truth!"
"No! Why do you want her to remember, anyway, Mei Ru? If she remembers, all three of us will be hurt! That's not fair, Mei Ru. She doesn't deserve the heartbreak again!"
"Yong Qi, then don't let it be a heartbreak! Tell her you love her, I know she still loves you, she just has to find that current buried in her heart again. Tell her the truth! Lao Fo Ye is not here to stop you any longer. You could marry her now!"
"What?" Yong Qi gasped in amazement.
"Yong Qi, you and Xiao Yan Zi deserve the happiness you should have had. You know I would never stand between you."
"Mei Ru," Yong Qi said a bit more gently, "first off, I don't think Xiao Yan Zi will agree to be my concubine. Second, I cannot do that to you."
"First off, she needn't be your concubine. Take her as your wife, she and I will be on equal footing. I do not think Xiao Yan Zi will be as malicious as to abuse me, especially when she knows I have no design on you. Second, what can you not do to me?"
"Mei Ru, tell me, if I marry Xiao Yan Zi, will you be able to stand being there witnessing our happiness without pain?"
"Perhaps not...But I would be happy for you. Yong Qi, just because I've lost my chance of happiness, doesn't mean you have to throw away yours. Xiao Yan Zi deserves the love you've always held for her made clear to her. Yong Qi - "
"Mei Ru, both Xiao Yan Zi and I will never truly be happy to know that we have married and causing you pain over it! Xiao Yan Zi would not stand for it if she knew, and you know it, Mei Ru! I cannot and will not do this to you!"
"Yong Qi, I know our marriage is not exactly happy! We're friends, yes, but it's not the happiness both of us deserve! At least one of us should be happy if we're stuck in this for the rest of our lives. You have that chance at happiness. I do not. I would not be your friend if I grudged you at taking your chance." Mei Ru looked at Yong Qi directly in the eyes.
Yong Qi didn't doubt Mei Ru's good intention. He knew she truly wanted him to be happy, but how could he be guilt-free taking Xiao Yan Zi as his wife when he knew he was causing Mei Ru pain? And how could he marry Xiao Yan Zi if he didn't feel completely free to do it? It would not be fair to Xiao Yan Zi, him or Mei Ru. No, he had made up his mind. Xiao Yan Zi would not know about his feelings for her, no matter how much his heart beat faster every time he saw her, no matter how much he still loved her.
"Mei Ru, can we let this go? It's been a very trying day, I'm really not in the mood to have this argument."
Mei Ru sighed and dropped the subject. At least for now.
It pained Mei Ru to know that Yong Qi was throwing away his happiness for her. Yet she also knew none of this was any of their fault, hers, Yong Qi's or Xiao Yan Zi's. Heaven had somehow played with their emotions and set them up like this. But she, Mei Ru, would do everything she could to persuade Yong Qi into tell Xiao Yan Zi his feelings, and everything that went on between them.
Mei Ru's plan could have succeeded had it not been for one unforeseen glitch.
The physicians had examined Xiao Yan Zi and had been unable to find the cause of her memory loss, since they didn't know what happened before Xiao Yan Zi woke up and found herself on the ship. Nor were they able to cure her memory loss. It was accepted, then, that Xiao Yan Zi would not remember that span of her life.
Everyone else then debated what they should tell her now, and eventually, somehow, Mei Ru still didn't know how, Yong Qi managed to convince everyone in telling Xiao Yan Zi an edited version, where she was only Qian Long's adopted daughter, everything about Han Xiang and their subsequent escape, and after that, their return. Nothing about the truth of her family's deaths and who ordered it. Xiao Jian was the one who was firm on this decision, not wanting to hurt Xiao Yan Zi, and knowing that with remembering what she did, Xiao Yan Zi would probably not be able to let the truth go so smoothly this time, considering her bond to Qian Long was less strong than before. Of course, nothing about her ever being engaged, to Yong Qi or otherwise.
The others only agreed to this last clause to buy time. They knew that Yong Qi could be stubborn when he wanted to, and this was such time. They had all hoped, with time, he would eventually come around, after the situation had settled more, and tell her everything.
They didn't suspect that an obstacle to this situation yet the obstacle became obvious very early after Xiao Yan Zi resettled into Shu Fang Zhai again as Huan Zhu Ge Ge.
Yong Qi was in fact one of the first to notice a passionate romantic interest Yong Zhang displayed for Xiao Yan Zi. Yong Zhang had always been reserved, and his interest in Xiao Yan Zi though subtly displayed, Yong Qi could easily recognise it as ardent. Yong Zhang was not one to show his emotions lightly, yet the deep concern he showed for Xiao Yan Zi's well being was obvious and there was a warmth in his voice as he spoke to and about her that was not present otherwise.
It eventually became obvious to everyone that Yong Zhang was courting Xiao Yan Zi, and that she, unaware of any other attachments of her heart, it being buried under forgotten memories, welcomed his attentions. Xiao Yan Zi had no reason to wonder about Yong Qi's motives or feelings towards her, as he was always reserved around her, sometimes almost distant. Xiao Yan Zi sensed that somehow, Yong Qi was not warming up to her like the rest of the family, despite the obvious signs that he deeply cared about her. Yet the fact that he was married, the fact he never talked to her unless totally necessary, the fact that he seemed to go out of his way to avoid her, made Xiao Yan Zi push any suspicion of something more than brotherhood from him out of her mind. Had Xiao Yan Zi thought about it more, she might have realised how this seeming coldness conflicted with the obvious concern and care he showed for her the few times he did allow himself to address her, to spend time with her and the fact that he always seemed to crop up in her conversations with others and they always made sure to tell her that Yong Qi had asked after her.
The road that the relationship between Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi was heading to made everyone nervous. They had half-expected Yong Qi, upon seeing this, to give in to his feelings and tell Xiao Yan Zi everything, so that she knew what she was choosing between. However, their expectation was disappointed. Seeing Yong Zhang's growing love for Xiao Yan Zi and not seeing her scruples about welcoming his addresses, Yong Qi had vowed to himself that he would never tell Xiao Yan Zi the truth. No, if his brother can woo Xiao Yan Zi, and make her happy, he would not stand in their way. Yong Qi withdrew from Xiao Yan Zi even more, inadvertently giving Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi more time for their courtship. Yong Qi could see that Xiao Yan Zi liked Yong Zhang a great deal. He had seen her open up his brother more than he had seen anyone done. And Yong Zhang, himself, had no trouble putting smiles on Xiao Yan Zi's face. Part of him was glad that Xiao Yan Zi could find happiness with someone else, when he could never bring her the happiness she deserved. There was a part of him that agonised over the growing feelings between Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi, but he pushed it back out of his mind. He could not be so selfish. No, he had accepted that she could never be his. If so, at least he could make sure that she would be loved by a good man, who would treat her right and cherish her as much as he did.
It was still a bittersweet moment, with the bitter outweighing the sweet, when Yong Zhang told Yong Qi about his plans to propose to Xiao Yan Zi. They were in Ren He Gong when Yong Zhang suddenly turned to Yong Qi and asked abruptly, "What do you think of Xiao Yan Zi?"
Yong Qi kept a carefully masked look of neutrality on his face and asked, "What do you mean what do I think?"
"I mean, if I were to ask her to marry me and Huang Ah Ma gives his permission, how would you feel?"
As he heard these words from his brother, Yong Qi could feel his heart break all over again. He didn't blame his brother for having fallen in love with Xiao Yan Zi. How could he, when he loved her more than he could ever imagine? Nor did he blame Yong Zhang for bringing this up. He had been the one not telling either Xiao Yan Zi or Yong Zhang about what happened between him and Xiao Yan Zi. Yong Qi didn't regret his decision. No, it was a good decision. She would be happier with Yong Zhang, not knowing that she was ever in love with Yong Qi, than for her to know the truth.
"If you are sure you can be happy together, then I'd be happy for you," Yong Qi said quietly. "Are you going to do it then, ask her to marry you?"
Yong Zhang's tone became more gentle and loving as he thought about Xiao Yan Zi. "Yes. I've never met anyone like her, Yong Qi. Never! She's such a breath of fresh air, she's nothing like the ladies we've always been exposed to in court...I've never really thought I'd marry, considering the amount of time I spent in England and then I know coming back to court would be a hard move...But she's always put a smile on my face, she's changed my life so much...Her views of the world are so different. She saw right through the hypocrisy of people in court. She dared to say no to Huang Ah Ma...how often do you find that courage and independence from other ladies here?"
Yong Qi let Yong Zhang ramble on about the things he loved about Xiao Yan Zi. Every word was like a stab to his heart, because Yong Qi recognised everything he himself loved about Xiao Yan Zi. Yong Zhang was in enough of his own world to not realise the momentary pained looks on Yong Qi's face when Yong Zhang spoke about Xiao Yan Zi. Then, Yong Qi, not being able to subject himself to listening Yong Zhang talk this way about Xiao Yan Zi anymore, asked, "Do you love her?"
"Yes." Yong Zhang's answer was immediate and full of conviction. Yong Qi didn't know whether he hurt more from the statement or rejoiced more, for Xiao Yan Zi's sake.
"Can you promise to make her happy and treat her right?"
"Yong Qi, her happiness is all that I could ever wish for in my life. I would be willing to die for her to be happy."
"Then - " Yong Qi hesitated at what he was about to say. He knew by saying this, he was hurting himself beyond anything he had ever felt, but for Xiao Yan Zi's happiness, he would endure it. " - you have my blessings for you marriage."
"I do?" Yong Zhang asked, a bit surprised.
"Yes, why should you sound so surprised?"
"Because - I don't know...I don't know why all of the sudden you seem so particular about Xiao Yan Zi...I never had the impression that you were...well...you always seemed to detached from her."
"I do care about her, Yong Zhang, after all, she is my sister...And I did nearly kill her with my arrow, you know. That ought to make things a bit awkward." The last bit he added as a distraction, to steer Yong Zhang's attention away from his behaviour towards Xiao Yan Zi. It worked and Yong Zhang came back to talk about Xiao Yan Zi again, unknowingly causing Yong Qi even more pain, but Yong Qi gritted his teeth and tried to convince himself that this was for the best. And he really did want Yong Zhang to succeed with his suit, that their union might be a happy one. Even if Xiao Yan Zi would hate him if she ever found out. Even if everyone else would bear down on him in a most insufferable manner when they knew what he had done. But Xiao Yan Zi would be happy. That was what he needed.
Yong Zhang didn't realise that while he was thinking this, Yong Zhang's thoughts had turned from Xiao Yan Zi. "How about you, Yong Qi? You want me to be happy and I am sure I will be, but are you happy?"
Yong Qi looked up and met Yong Zhang's eyes. For a very brief moment, there was a flicker of - what? pain, regret, sorrow, Yong Zhang could not differentiate them - in his eyes, but then Yong Qi looked away again, before answering as neutrally as he could, which, considering the situation, was not very well, "I don't think it takes a genius to see that I didn't marry Mei Ru out of love, Yong Zhang."
Yong Qi could not keep some bitterness out of his voice. But right now, thinking about Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi, as well as him and Mei Ru, together, in such a short space of time, was not doing much to make him lose the bitterness he felt for the life fate had dealt him.
"I guessed as much. You are friendly around each other but I never saw anything more - affectionate," Yong Zhang said hesitantly. Only then did Yong Zhang really realise how ten years of separation and the fact that they were older now, with more complicated feelings, it seemed as if they could no longer be as close as they were once. No, more precisely, Yong Zhang realised that Yong Qi seem to not be able to confide in him. He had been too occupied with Xiao Yan Zi to spend much time with Yong Qi ever since he returned to China, and he wondered if some of Yong Qi's bitterness rose from that.
Only now, the first time since he returned that he had the chance to really talk with Yong Qi, Yong Zhang realised now maybe he had let his feelings for Xiao Yan Zi come between their brotherhood and he deeply regretted that, because he, himself, had been so careless. Yong Qi, certainly, he could feel, had put up a barrier between them. Yong Zhang knew there were things that bothered Yong Qi that he was not telling his brother. Yong Zhang had always felt, before, that he had been his brother's confidant, more so than even the Fu brothers. But was he still that, really? They have not seen each other for ten years after all. Yong Qi obviously was closer to Er Kang than ever.
Now looking at the frown on Yong Qi's face, Yong Zhang wondered if there was more to that expression than just dissatisfaction in his marriage.
"That's exactly what we are, really. Friends. Mei Ru makes it clear that her heart was not free to give, not that I would seek it, otherwise. I guess I should count myself lucky that neither Mei Ru or I have any intention of pursuing each other in this marriage. Do you know how lucky you are that you actually get a choice in who you're marrying? Lao Fo Ye is no longer here to stop you," Yong Qi ended harshly. Again, Yong Zhang wondered if there was more than just resentment at the arranged nature of his marriage that made Yong Qi become so cynical.
"You would have another choice to make if you were allowed to make it?" Yong Zhang asked, hoping it was not too direct a question.
Yong Qi sighed regretfully. "No, I cannot blame Lao Fo Ye, you know. I know she did what she thought was best for me...It doesn't help...but let's just say, by now, she could never be mine. I've quite resigned myself to the fact. But Yong Zhang, you don't need to be bothered about the troubles of my life right now."
Yong Zhang looked at his brother's face. There was a shadow over his countenance that Yong Zhang was sure he never saw before. He knew Yong Qi was far from happy with his life, but yet at the same time, he didn't know what it was that made Yong Qi's life so obviously painful for him. Placing a hand on his brother's shoulder, Yong Zhang said, "You know if you ever want to want, I will be willing to listen."
Yong Qi looked at Yong Zhang. He knew that Yong Zhang was worried about him. He was afraid that he might not be able to guard his emotions related to Xiao Yan Zi and one day, Yong Zhang would find him out. He knew he could never confide in Yong Zhang, not about this. But the gesture brought him momentarily back to the past, when his - their - lives were so much more simple, before his life was thrown upside down, by Xiao Yan Zi's presence.