Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story that correspond with the TV series Big Wolf on Campus. Anyone you've never seen on the show is probably mine.
Merton Dingle, Love Machine
Tommy's Monologue
Merton is not what you'd call a ladies man, actually that's an understatement, he's a complete loser when it comes to the female persuasion. I don't even like thinking this but it's kind of amusing to watch as he either says something really stupid or hyperventilates before he gets to say anything at all. I've had some bad luck with Stacy and then Lori but being a star football player and generally good looking guy I can always bounce back, Merton I'm not so sure about.
Theme Song
INT: The Factory
Merton and Tommy sit at the bar of the Factory, Tommy is nursing a tall non-alcoholic beverage and Merton is talking to the girl sitting next to him.
Merton: So um…
Girl: Sara.
Merton: Sara, I was looking at you from over there and I think we made a real connection.
Sara: Really?
Merton: Yeah really, I've had a lot of bad relationships because I just haven't met the right girl but I look at you…um…I'm sorry what was your name again?
Sara: Sara.
Merton: Right, I look at you, Sara and I just think its love at first sight
Sara: Right.
Sara walks away.
Merton: Do you believe in fate…um…oh crap SARA! ?
Merton slumps back down on the stool and bangs his fist on the table. He's looking glummer than usual considering how many rejections he has gotten in his lifetime. Tommy, seeing his friend's pain, interjects.
Merton: Sara.
Tommy: Awww don't feel so bad buddy, she probably would have just used you and tossed you aside when she was done.
Merton: You know I just love that thing you do, making what seems like encouragement into something that just makes me feel worse. Besides, I would be glad to get a girl who's just using me, I'm batting zero here and that would be a step up for me.
Tommy: I think you should give it a rest, ever since Raven left you, you've been a real downer.
Merton: Well what am I supposed to do?
Tommy: Listen, I'll help you out, teach you everything I know.
Merton: Really, you'd do that for me?
Tommy: Sure, with Lori on vacation I don't have anyone else to impart wisdom to, you'll have me for the whole month
Merton: A month? That's way too long
Tommy: Well you could always find some magic spell to fix all your problems.
Pause
Merton: What?
Tommy: It's called sarcasm, you know, a form of humor.
Merton: Hmmmm.
Cut to INT: the Lair: Merton is reading from one of his many ancient tomes while Tommy furrows his brow as always trying to make sense of what he's saying.
Merton (reading from text): He who is lovelorn shall give off an aura and find himself attracting to all he desires. Tommy do you know what this means?
Tommy: Oh you lost me a long time ago.
Merton: OK for those of us who were paying attention, this book, which is in essence the recipe for a love potion, is my ticket to some semblance of a social life outside of you.
Tommy: Are you saying you don't like me?
Merton: No offense Tommy, but this will give me the opportunity to get my freak on and you're just not that kind a friend.
A small scene shows Merton mixing the contents of beakers into other beakers and stirring a bowl of glowing pink liquid
INT: Still The Lair
Merton is reading off of a long checklist and Tommy is keeping track
Merton: OK lets see, Salamander's Eye?
Tommy: Check.
Merton: Leopard's toenail?
Tommy: Check.
Merton: Frog's Wart?
Tommy: Check.
Merton: Wolf's Saliva?
Tommy spits in the bowl
Tommy: Check.
Merton: Great, thanks for helping, OK the only thing left is a hair of the lovelorn.
Merton pulls a hair out of his spiky head
Merton: Ouch!
He puts the strand of hair in the bowl
Pause
Tommy: So what do we do now.
Merton: I guess it's done.
Both Tommy and Merton look into the bowl in unison, then Merton looks at Tommy with a smile on his face
Cut to INT: Pleasantville High, Hallway:
Merton walks up to Tommy who's looking through his locker
Merton: Hey Tommy, what's up with you?
Tommy: Well let's see boring Science, boring History, and boring Math, what do you mean "what's up with me, have you tried the love potion yet?
Merton: Oh?
Merton pulls out and long vile of glowing pink liquid out of his pocket
Merton: I hadn't really thought about it that much.
Tommy: All day yesterday that potion was all you could think about and you haven't even tried it yet?
Merton: Well there are a lot of precautions one has to take before…Oh who am I kidding.
Merton takes the potion like a shot glass
Tommy: So?
Merton: Everything feels all right.
Tommy: How do we find out if it works?
Merton looks around until he spots a girl getting books out of her locker
Merton: A test.
Tommy watches as Merton walks up to the girl and talks to her, his body language apparently offering something, the girl is taken aback and slaps him. Merton walks back to Tommy disappointed.
Tommy: Something wrong?
Merton: It would seem so.
Tommy: I thought we did everything right.
Merton: There must be something we missed.
Merton pulls the book out of his backpack and starts reading
Merton: Hmmmm, Oh here it is "the potion must be kept frozen to increase its effects". Hmm, simple mistake, I don't know how I missed that, almost as if it were a lame plot devise used to get me slapped.
Tommy: well I guess you can just try again at the Factory tonight.
Merton: I guess, I'll see you then OK?
Tommy: see ya later.
Tommy and Merton part ways to their separate classes
EXT shot of the Factory
INT: The Factory
Tommy: So where is it?
Merton: Calm down, here it is.
Merton pulls up a small cooler, he opens it and pulls out another long vile of the pink glowing liquid
Merton: And now, for the second time…
Merton again takes the vile like a shot glass
Tommy: Feel anything yet?
Merton: No I Ahhhhhhhh!
Merton has a painful seizure and flails wildly until getting back up apparently fine as if nothing ever happened. His eyes glow pink for a second.
Tommy: Merton, are you all right?
Merton: Yeah I think so.
Tommy: Well?
Merton turns to the girl sitting on the stool next to his, Before he can announce his presence she turns around with a glazed look on her face.
Merton: You want to get out of here, maybe catch a movie.
Girl: Um sure.
Merton walks off with the girl leaving a very bewildered Tommy Dawkins.
Cut to a few scenes with Merton picking up girls in his hearse, integrated with scenes of Tommy pacing around his house out of boredom.
EXT shot of Pleasantville High
INT Pleasantville High
A very groggy Merton walks through the hall to his locker where he meets Tommy.
Tommy: So, how was your weekend?
Merton: It was like heaven but not as holy.
Tommy: So the potion working out for you then?
Merton: Oh, your knack for stating the blatantly obvious just reminded me…
Merton pulls a small cooler out of his locker.
Merton: I've been testing how long it takes to were off, I have to get another dose every ten hours.
Tommy: Well you missed the Godzilla marathon last Saturday.
Merton: No time for such trivial things my friend, I've gotta go.
Tommy: I'll see ya tonight.
Merton: Oh, probably not, I've kinda got a thing.
Merton leaves through the big double-doors.
Tommy: A thing?
INT: Tommy's Living Room.
Tommy is relating his problems to Dean during the commercial break.
Dean: So you're saying that you're little buddy Martin…
Tommy: Merton.
Dean: … Merton, is getting lucky with the ladies and you're jealous.
Tommy: I'm not jealous, I'm just really concerned.
Dean: About what?
Tommy: Well, I've read that guys who constantly seek female companionship are secretly depressed.
Dean: I don't think that's true, John Ritter had Suzanne Somers and Joyce De Witt and he's the happiest guy I know. Is he depressed?
Tommy: No I guess not, thanks man, you've been a big help.
Dean: Any time bro.
Tommy's Inner Monologue
OK, I may be a little jealous of Merton but what right do I have to cut into his fun?
INT: The Lair.
The Lair is crowded with people, mostly women, socializing. Conversations that can be heard are about Merton. Tommy walks up to Merton who's lounging in his chair with a girl on each arm.
Tommy: This has got to stop now.
Merton: What?
Tommy: Look around you Merton, this isn't right.
Merton: I know, but I love it so much, now begone.
Four girls pull Tommy by his arms and drag him away. A girl above Merton starts feeding him grapes.
EXT: The Street.
Tommy is walking angrily to no place in particular.
Tommy's Inner Monologue
I have to do something about this. Merton's not the same guy anymore and that potion is going to get him hurt, but how do I get him to stop.
INT: The Lair.
Merton is happily lounging when he checks his watch. With urgency he makes his way to the refrigerator and pulls a vial out of the freezer. Before he can drink he is rammed in the back by TNT causing him to drop and break the vial.
Tim: Whoops, sorry Dingle.
Travis lifts and holds Merton to the wall.
Travis: Look Dingleberry, I don't know how you got these girls to come to your house, let alone talk to you but…
Merton: Stop!
TNT: Huh?
Merton kicks Travis in the balls causing him to lose his grip.
Merton: I don't have time for you losers.
Merton then runs past them to a less populated area of the Lair, opens up a box marked "emergency use only" and pulls out a large beaker full of the potion.
Merton: It's warm, better double the dose.
Merton drinks the whole thing, far more than double the dose just as the alarm on his watch starts beeping. He falls to the ground in his seizure. When he gets up the entire room of girls turns around breathing heavily.
Cut to Merton running down the street with forty girls chasing after him. In mid-sprint Merton is pulled into an alley by Tommy.
Merton: Tommy! Thank god, did you see…
Tommy: Yeah.
Merton: With the…
Tommy: Yeah.
There's a rumbling sound in the distance
Merton: We gotta get outta here.
Tommy: Why? I thought you loved it.
Merton: Look Tommy, I'm sorry but if I have to give you a better apology now it might be cut off when I'm run over by a stampede of rabid females.
Tommy: You owe me.
Merton: Fine, can we go now?
Tommy: Let's go.
Cut to Tommy and Merton sneaking around the neighborhood. The girl stampede turns a corner and sees them.
Cut to several scenes of Tommy and Merton running form the girls, slapstick comedy and sight gags, including a scene were they're sitting on a bench with magazines covering their faces. Merton is holding a Girl Beat Magazine with his face on it and Tommy is holding Fangora featuring a cover story on classic horror movies, The Wolf Man is shown.
Tommy and Merton are running with the girls behind them, they turn a corner and climb over a fence into the backyard of a large house. There is an aboveground swimming pool in the middle.
Merton: We gotta hide.
Tommy: Behind the pool!
Before Tommy could get the l out in pool, the girls bust down the fence and charge at them. Merton runs up on the deck and backs up as the stampede inches closer to him.
Tommy: Merton, JUMP!
Merton: No.
And then he trips and falls anyway. The pool glows pink for a second and then turns blue again. Merton pulls himself out and tries in vain to dry off while the girls come out of their trances and wonder where they are.
Tommy: Are you all right?
Merton: Yeah, I guess aura isn't waterproof.
Tommy: Let's go home.
Cut to Tommy and Merton walking home
Tommy: you know I saw Love Potion #9 the other day?
Merton: Really, what happened?
Tommy: I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
EXT: Pleasantville, Night
Sappy Perry Como music plays in the background until there's a loud screech as a car turns the corner chasing a man down the street. From the car's POV we see the man get backed into a wall and the headlights suck out his soul. A dry husk falls to the ground.
THE END
Next Story: Demon In The Slow Lane (working title)