The Legend of Zelda: Behind the Triforce

Link's story

I don't own Zelda! Some other guy (Miyamoto, specifically. Is that how you spell his name?) does.

Note: This was originally going to be my first fic, but I decided it needed work. I kept it around until I was ready to post it, and with Lost: ZE gone, now is the best time! So ONWARD!

Another note: This fic in no way is a rip-off of "R2-D2: Beneath the Dome," an online mockumentary of the Star Wars droid R2-D2's life. I thought of this fic before I was even an author. (Sometime during the summer)

#######################################

Scene is the interior of clock tower, spiffed up with a TV in the corner and a few randomly placed coffee tables and couches.

Announcer voice: LADIES N' GENTELMOONS, AUTHORS, AND WHINEY, ANNOYING SPOILED KIDS OF ALL AGES…Welcome to week one of The Legend of Zelda: Behind the Triforce! You thought nobody would try it in your generation…but you were wrong! From Massachusetts, please welcome…our narrator! GoroGoroGuy!

*GGGuy walks in from the lower level, waving*

GGGuy: Hiya, everybodies!

Announcer: And…our host for this evening…he'll knock your socks off, then dust them with itching powder and give them back to you! From Termina! Heeeeeeres SKULLKID!

*Skullkid runs up the stairs from the lower level*

Skullkid: Wassup? *Sits down* Well, we've got a very special fic for all the readers out there.

GGGuy: That's right. We've compiled over…*Checks notebook*…uh…well, we've got a lot of pieces of information from all sorts of places on Link and his friends.

Ganondorf: *Pokes his head up from the bottom level* HEY! Some of us aren't his friends!

GGGuy: Ganondorf, go away…

Ganondorf: MAKE ME! I'm superior to you!

GGGuy: Fine…*Snaps fingers and Ganondorf is attacked by a herd of explosive chia pets*

Ganondorf: *Falls down the stairs* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GODDESSES! GET 'EM OFF ME! GET EM THE $@%$ OFF OF ME! GETEMOFFGETEMOFFGETEMOOOOOOFFFFFFFFMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MOMMIES! ^*BOOM*^ Ouchies! Uh…anyone have any burn medicine?

Skullkid: Well, we'd better get on with the show.

GGGuy: And we will. Now, without further ado, here is the life, times, struggles and triumphs of Link. It's the real life story about unreal characters. Enjoy the show.

*Screen shows a group picture of the Oot characters, in wide view because of Darunia and Raru's combined great girth. Skullkid is giving Ganondorf "bunny ears", while Ganondorf is apparently trying not to wring Skullkid's neck*

GGGuy: Link, the main character of every Zelda game in existence, was supposedly a very happy 17-year old, right? Wrong. His hardships began at early childhood, when his mother died after bringing him to the Kokori forest. Though he was accepted as a Kokori by the Great Deku tree, he never received a fairy guardian and was picked on his whole life as a Kokori because of it.

(Cue interview with the Great Deku Tree)

Deku tree: Link always seemed to be an energetic kid, although he sometimes played one too many pranks and got himself clobbered by Mido and other Kokori. He really was the punching bag of the others. But I really like how he didn't accept defeat, even when he was beaten senseless. He was really, really smart, and was secretly respected by everyone but Mido.

*Picture of young Link and Saria standing outside of Link's house*

GGGuy: The only Kokori that Link was really friends with was Saria, a green-haired girl who liked to sit on a tree stump and play her ocarina over and over again until the other Kokori went mad and every Deku scrub in the Lost woods fell over unconscious, repeating it over and over and over. Thought by some to have been the first of many girlfriends, she and Link were very protective of each other.

(Home video of the Kokori forest. Mido is picking on young Link)

Mido: Hey! Mister no-fairy! How many fairies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Link: What's a light bulb?

Mido: I have no idea…Okay…How many fairies-

Saria: *Stepping in between them* Oh, stop it, both of you. I'm sick of this always happening every other day.

Link: So you're suggesting we do this every day?

Saria: I'm suggesting you two stop fighting and stay away from each other.

Mido: Saria's right.

Saria: Why am I right?

Mido: Because…you're always right.

Saria: You're just saying that so I'll like you better.

Mido: No I'm not.

Saria: Oh, you are and you know it.

Link: *YAWN* Can I go now?

Mido: Not until I beat you into a casserole, Mr. no-fairy!

Link: *Sigh* You've used that insult on me for eight years. Get a new one.

Mido: You want to take this outside?

Link: We are outside.

Saria: *Walks away* I GIVE UP! DO THINGS YOUR WAY, YOU WEIRDOES! I, for one, am going to be in my house re-organizing my collection of beehives!

Link: You don't HAVE a collection of beehives.

Saria: *Stops and turns around* I do now. *Runs off towards her house*

Link: Women…

Saria: Men…

Mido: Oh, forget this. I'm tougher than you are without beating you up!

Link: Whatever you say, squirrel face.

Mido: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

Link: Nothing.

Mido: You liar. Prepare to be pounded! *Him and Link go into one of those fight clouds*

Random Kokori: They're at it again! Get the hose!

(End video)

(Cue interview with Saria)

Saria: Link was always kind of irresponsible, but really nice most of the time. He always liked acting and fighting.

*Picture of young Link holding a suitcase and leaving the Kokori forest, while waving goodbye to the Kokori*

GGGuy: At the age of 11, Link became more involved with finding an acting career. He left the safety of his home and journeyed out into the world with only a suitcase full of clothing and a few rupees, along with a sword and shield.

*Picture of Link in Hyrule market, being chased by a cucco while the other people in the market look on*

GGGuy: After arriving in Hyrule market, he began to hunt for any plays or movies that could hire him. However, because of his size and age, he had a very hard time trying to do so. Occasionally he was in plays, but never got a starring role until much later.

*Picture of a teenaged Link in a waiting room*

GGGuy: It wasn't until age 17 that the world got to see his talents, when he applied for a small appearance in a new video game, the Legend of Zelda.

(Video of Link in a Nintendo character audition studio)

Official-looking person: NEXT! NUMBER 16!

Link: *Looking into camera* Well, this is it. Wish me luck.

Guy holding the camera: I don't even know you. You pulled me off the street to hold this camera for you, remember?

Link: Yeah, yeah, yeah…*Walks into adjacent room*

Guy sitting behind desk: Okay…Link. You're applying for the part of "Random person #52," right?

Link: Yes sir.

Guy behind desk: Okay…have you been in any plays or movies before this?

Link: Yes. A play called "Hamlet." I was a dead guy.

Guy behind desk: *Jots down "Reject" on his clipboard* Okay. Let's see your audition.

*Link gets up, puts his hat down on the desk and stands perfectly straight*

Link: *AHEM* HI! I'm new around here! …You're asking me if I know where you can find the next temple? I don't know! I'm just a kid!

*Tape has been edited for time*

Link:…and that's my audition.

Guy: *Speaking really fast and pushing Link out the door* Okay-that's-really-really-good-don't-call-us-we'll-call-you-now-go-away-bye! *Pushes Link out into the waiting room, where he falls backward on his rear end*

Link: YEOW! I THINK I LANDED ON MY KEYS!

Guy holding camera: Uh, exactly which button is the "record" button? Oh wait, here it is.

Link: -_-*

(End tape)

GGGuy: Fortunately, the "record" button was already pushed in. Little did Link realize that he had forgotten his hat in the main room. Later on in the day, he remembered his hat and went back to retrieve it. When he got there, Miyamoto, who was stopping by to review the audition tapes, noticed him. While the exact things that happened are still not clear, the very next week Link and the other cast members began shooting the first game.

(Cue interview with Zelda)

Zelda: Actually, I still think I did a better job than he did. Oh sure, on camera he was a genius, not to mention really cute, but off camera he was like a different person. He was really rebellious and argued a lot with the other cast members.

Interviewer: Uh, actually, Zelda, Link says that's what YOU did off camera.

Zelda: ARE YOU INSULTING MY JUDGMENT?!

Interviewer: No, I'm insulting you.

Zelda: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm surrounded by morons! IMPA! *Runs off camera sobbing hysterically*

(End interview)

*Picture of Link swinging his sword around*

GGGuy: After the smash hit success of Zelda, It became apparent that Link was good at fighting, and he insisted that he do all his own stunts. This decision is now being rethought over by him because of all he injuries he got from failed stunts. A tape was recovered from the archives of Nintendo that shows an example of one of these stunts-gone-wrong.

(Blooper from Link's awakening)

Director: Okay, Link. In this scene, you run on the set and slice those Like-Likes. Okay?

Like-Like: Can I have a raise?

Director: No.

Like-Like: Darn…*Moves away*

Director: Is everybody ready?

Link: Yeah!

Director: ANNNNND…ACTION!

*Link races onto the set and whips out his sword, slicing the first Like-Like in two. *

Director: Good…

Link: You're mine, slime boy!

Like-Like: Grrrrr…

*Link jumps up with his sword, perfectly aimed for the kill, but the Like-Like moves over and catches Link in his mouth*

Link: MMMMPPPPPHHHH!!!

Director: CUT! For god's sake, Bill, would you stop eating the cast members? It wastes shields and takes weeks to get the slime off!

Bill the Like-Like: *Spits Link out* GROSS! WHEN DID YOU LAST TAKE A BATH, LINK? MAN!

Link: Medic…I need…medic…

(End blooper)

*Picture of a large gymnasium decorated with streamers and a huge sign that says: "Nintendo characters reunion!" The characters of many various Nintendo games are grouped together in the shot. Skullkid is giving "bunny ears" to Ganondorf, who is now looking like he's about to scream*

GGGuy: What the director missed, however, was the evidence of a relationship between Link and two other female cast members in Oot. Link was in love with Zelda, and at the same time, Malon, both of who loved him back. He was forced to choose between them, and decided to give more thought to the problem when he had the time. The opportunity never arose to choose between them, but Link secretly had "go arounds" with both of them at one point or another.

(Cue interview with Malon)

Malon: Link is really nice, and I think he'll pick me over Miss snob-a-lot any day. She may be rich, but she's really annoying.

Zelda's voice: And you're not?

Malon: Excuse me… *Walks off camera and sounds of slapping and shrieking can be heard. Malon walks back on camera* Thanks. As I was saying, Link is really cool. And a god in the sac-

(End interview)

*Group picture of the cast of MM. Skullkid is giving "Bunny ears" to Ganondorf, despite the fact that Ganondorf is wringing Skullkid's neck*

GGGuy: Thanks to time travel, Majora's Mask successfully followed Oot on it's October 26th, 2000 debut. Link outdid himself repeatedly, thanks to the help of his supporting cast members and Director. However, there were still difficulties, as always.

(MM Blooper)

Director: Okay. Link, in this scene, you jump down into Gyorg's lair.

Link: Gotcha.

Director: Gyorg, you jump out of the water when he jumps into the room. The special effects people will do the rest. Okay?

Gyorg: *Yelling from lair* OKAY!

Director: ANNNNNDDDDD…ACTION!

*Link jumps into the lair, right into the mouth of a waiting Like-Like*

Director: CUT! @$&@% &%& @^@^$#$# @$~ %&$*@& IT, BILL! WHAT THE BLOODY HECK ARE YOU DOING?!

Bill the Like-Like: Just getting him back for that bottle of hot sauce he put on my lunch yesterday! *Spits Link out* UGH! HE DIDN'T EVEN TAKE A BATH, EITHER! EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

Director: *SIGH* MEDIC!

(End blooper)

*Picture of Navi and Tatl talking with Link*

GGGuy: While it has been rumored that Link is dating out-of-species, this is unconfirmed, and quite frankly improbable. His fairies, Tatl and Navi, were close friends of Link's from the first game. His influence was mainly the reason they got their roles in Oot and MM.

(Cue interview with Navi)

Navi: I met Link in the potion shop of Hyrule market when he was 16. I always got the feeling Link really was…annoyed at my "HEY" and "LISTEN!"  during Oot, but he assured me he didn't mind.

(End interview)

GGGuy: While the fairies were not included in the Zelda Game Boy games, they have found work in other fields as well. Navi became a Can-can dancer for about a month before starting the "Save the fairies" Program, which helps orphan and poor fairies all over Hyrule and Termina. Tatl and her brother Tael went on to be backup singers for various music stars, such as Weird Al, and even once Britney Spears, but didn't get far because the lights drowned them out and they were too small for microphones.

*Picture of Link talking with Darunia and Raru off camera*

(Cue interview with Raru)

Raru: I always thought that Link had potential. He was always aiming to please the other cast members, and quite frankly was always positive. Not all of us liked him too much, *COUGH**COUGH* GANONDORF! *COUGH**COUGH*, but we generally enjoyed having him as part of the cast.

(End interview)

*Picture of Tingle and The Deku King eating lunch with Link and Mikau at a Hyrulian-style McDonalds*

GGGuy: Link made many lasting friendships while in Zelda. However, Ganondorf never liked him from day one, and they have disliked each other ever since.

(Cue interview with Darunia)

Interviewer: So, what would you say about Ganondorf and Link?

Darunia: I always thought Ganondorf was the "Oddball" of the cast, really. He never seemed to want to take time off, and he was always somewhere else whenever we needed him, and always around whenever you didn't want him to be. If he wasn't weird and confusing, I don't know what is. Link was a great guy to work with, though. Quite the opposite of Ganondorf.

(End interview)

*Picture of Goht and Majora looking enviously at Link from another side of the set of MM*

GGGuy: But Ganondorf wasn't the only one who disliked Link. His other enemies included a large cow, (don't ask) the MM boss Goht, and the fishing pond owner from Oot.

(Off-camera tape from a home video camera)

Link: *In shower of hotel room, singing loudly and off-key* LOVE! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! SING IT AGAIN! LOVE! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE WORDS TO THIS SONG! SO I'LL SING IT AGAIN! YEAH!

*Majora steps into the range of the camera*

Majora: HEY, LINK! GUESS WHO?

Link: *Thankfully still behind the shower curtain* WHAT THE %&%$! *$(*^)&%)*! &?!!!!!!!!! GET THE #$&$ #*(&&#%! &%^% & *$^#$@$#@& OUT OF HERE, YOU $%#%ING PERVS!

Majora: HA-HA! WAIT UNTIL THE GIRLS HEAR HOW WELL YOU SING! RUN, GUYS!

(End tape)

(Cue interview with Majora)

Majora: The pond owner and I really don't know why we play pranks on Link. We don't really mean him any harm. It's just one of those things.

(End interview)

*Picture of Fanfiction.net's logo*

GGGuy: Since many of the Zelda cast members were only used for one or two games, they and other video game characters have turned to authors and fanfiction to get them out of their ruts. Even Link has taken liberal amounts of time off from his character duties to star or co-star in fanfics across the globe, and now, with the "new look" of Zelda games, the original Link isn't really needed now for the Zelda series, but he has recently released a new game with him in it, Super Smash Brothers Melee.

(Cue interview with Tingle)

Tingle: I always…looked up to Link. He was…probably…the least yelled at guy in the cast of MM.

Interviewer: The other guys were yelled at often?

Tingle: OH, YES. I remember, during a shot with Link, the Deku butler screwed up on his lines and didn't come out of his trailer for…about a week, really.

*Group picture of every Zelda character in existence*

GGGuy: With the Zelda craze showing no signs of stopping, Link has endured hard and good times, love, hate, and annoyance. Even if he isn't in another game, he and the other great characters will enjoy fame for many years to come.

END.

(Back to the clock tower)

Skullkid: Good job, GGGuy.

GGGuy: I couldn't have done it without you, Skullkid. *COUGH COUGH* NOT REALLY! *COUGH COUGH*

Skullkid: But we're not done yet, are we?

GGGuy: No sir. The next documentary will be on everyone's favorite guy-

Skullkid: ME!

GGGuy: No, Skullkid. It's about Darunia.

Skullkid: Darunia? HE'S everyone's favorite guy? HA!

Darunia: *From the lower level of clock tower* SHUT UP, SKULLKID! DON'T MAKE ME COME UP THERE!

Skullkid: OH, I'M SO SCARED! OH NO! THE BIG BAD GORON'S GOING TO HURT ME! OH, NO! I HOPE HE DOESN'T FART IN MY FACE!

Darunia: THAT'S IT! I'M COMING UP THERE! *Rolls up the ramp and quickly puts Skullkid in a headlock*

Skullkid: LEMME GO! LEMME GOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Darunia: SAY IT! I WON'T LET GO UNTIL YOU SAY IT!

Skullkid: SAY WHAT? UNCLE?

Darunia: No, I won't let you go until you say it was you who covered my entire trailer with glue and pigeon feathers! Because of you, someone threw stale bread at me!

Skullkid: Yeah, I'll admit that was one of my greater ideas. And by the way, it was superglue, not -…I mean, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Darunia: GGGuy, proceed. This could take awhile.

GGGuy: *SIGH* Okay…*ahem* Yep, it's about everybody's favorite Goron, Darunia. So watch out for more of "Behind the Triforce" coming to FF.N soon. BUH-BYE!

Credit thing-a-ma-bobber: More "Behind the Triforce" is coming soon, so get ready! Review please! Use that little box below this fic! Come on! You know you want to! You can't deny it! So go ahead and start typing away! And no more flames! If you think part of one of your fics was used, E-mail me rather than putting it in your review! *Twenty million E-mails flood into GGGuy's mailbox* Hey! That's not very funny!

-GoroGoroGuy-