Prologue – Here Comes Goodbye
Lulu's eyes were wide with shock. She wouldn't cry. He wasn't worth it. His lies and betrayals and the admission of both were not worth her tears.
"Please say something, Lulu," Johnny whispered. His eyes were filled with what appeared to Lulu as hurt, but he had proven he could fool her.
"Like what? What great parting line do you want to hear? You tell me that not only did you kiss Maxie twice, but you were also involved in my cousin's shooting. And now you have the nerve to ask me for something? I don't think so," Lulu shouted.
Lulu watched him carefully. If he hadn't successfully lied to her for the majority of their relationship, proving she didn't know him at all, she would have sworn he was on the verge of tears of pain. Pain. Why would he feel pain? Johnny telling her how much he loved her all those times had just been another lie.
Johnny exhaled shakily and tried to find the words. "I'm sorry, Lu. I don't know what else to say. I know sorry isn't good enough. Nothing I could say would be, but I do regret all the mistakes I've made. I regret so much, but not you. Not falling in love-"
"Don't!" Lulu screamed the word and Johnny jumped in surprise. "Don't you ever say that you love me again! You don't know what love is. I was stupid enough to believe that someone like you could love, but I was wrong. You haven't changed since the day we met. You are still selfish and reckless. I guess that's why you were so drawn to Maxie. She was the unattainable danger that you were seeking. I was just the boring girlfriend who wanted you to be happy. My mistake."
Lulu was seething. The initial hurt she felt had been replaced by an intense anger that she had never felt before. Johnny had robbed her of so much time in her life. He had taken from her so much love that he didn't deserve. No more. She would never again let him take advantage of her heart or manipulate her life. She was through trying to convince everyone, including him that they could work. He had made it clear that wasn't what he wanted.
"I won't make the mistake again, Johnny. I will never again try to make you be happy because I realize that's not what you want. You want to be miserable and alone and who am I to stand in the way of you getting what you deserve?"
Lulu stalked out of the living room and into the bedroom of their apartment. She pulled out a duffel bag and began throwing clothes inside. The hurt hit her like a ton of bricks as she heard him destroying the living room. She sank to the floor and began sobbing uncontrollably. She may not have deserved this pain, but no one did. Johnny didn't deserve to be miserable and alone and no matter how much she tried to convince herself not to, she regretted saying that he did.
She stifled her cries and rose to her feet. She looked in the mirror and began arranging her face so she could leave the apartment with a stoic expression. She realized that her words probably had not even affected Johnny. Why would he care what she thought of him?
"He doesn't. He never has," she said out loud to herself as she gathered her things and walked out of the room.
Johnny finished smashing the last of the glass in the living room and then completely let the sobs take over his body. How did he get here? How did he lose the only thing that mattered to him? It hadn't been easy that was for sure. He had made every wrong choice he could possible make for the last year. He had come to terms with losing Lulu and had decided not to prolong the inevitable.
So he kissed Maxie. Twice. He had done the most reprehensible thing he could possibly think of to drive her away and it had worked. What he hadn't anticipated was the pain. Sure, he knew it would hurt, but this was unbearable. As if someone had literally ripped his heart out of his chest. The look of hatred in Lulu's eyes as she yelled at him would haunt him for the rest of his life.
He heard the door to their bedroom open and he scrambled for something to say. Some way to explain that would at least take away some of the hatred she felt for him. Ease some of the pain he had caused her. He positioned himself in front of the front door of the apartment and wiped away the tears that stained his cheeks.
"Get out of the way, Johnny," Lulu said, her voice dripping with malice.
"You don't owe me anything. But I'm not going to move until I get the chance to say this."
Johnny saw her roll her eyes, but nod her head and go to sit down on the couch. He followed and kneeled in front of her. He closed his eyes to prepare himself for what he had to say. To find the words that would console her in some way. He opened his eyes and found her gazing away looking uninterested.
He sighed and began, voice quivering, "You're right. I don't know what love is. I can never love you the way you deserve to be loved. I can only give you a love that is full of pain and suffering and you shouldn't have to deal with that. I know that. That's why I did what I did. I knew it would hurt you if I was unfaithful, but I also thought it was best.
"I knew I would only hurt you. That's all I've ever done. I didn't want to wait for the day when you found out about Michael or the day when I did something else that was even more horrible."
Johnny's tears were falling again. He had gotten Lulu's attention, but she did not appeared to be affected by his words or emotions. If anything, his admission was only fueling her anger.
"So you did it for me? That makes it so much better," she said. The sarcasm in her voice was like a knife to the stomach for Johnny.
"For you and for me. I'm selfish, just like you said," he started. "I knew that the longer we were together, the harder it would be for me when you eventually realized how much better you could do. The truth is I fall more in love with you every day and I wanted to save myself from the pain that would come from continuing this relationship. What I didn't know was that the excruciating pain I feel now is even worse than I ever could have imagined."
Her eyes were now brilliant with tears threatening to fall. He wished he could read her mind. Was he helping her or hurting her more?
"It never occurred to you to consult me while you were making these decisions about our relationship? That maybe I didn't want to do better?" Lulu's voice was so low as she spoke that Johnny could barely hear her. "That maybe I would rather experience the pain of being with you, than the pain of being without you?"
Her words made new tears form in Johnny's eyes and he didn't have the strength to stop them from cascading down his cheeks in sheets. He had been wrong again. Lulu would have loved him no matter what, but it was too late. There was no turning back from this mistake and it was written all over Lulu's face. He regained his composure and took her hands in his.
"I may be wrong to do what I did, but I don't think I am. I want you to be happy and I could never give you the happiness you deserve. I know you don't want to hear it, but I love you. More than I could ever tell you. But it's not enough. I can't give you the love that you need and that's why I'm letting you go. I want you to find someone who knows what real love is and gives it to you. Someone who you can love with your whole heart without having to constantly worry about it being broken."
She removed her hands from his and stood up. He stood up to face her and saw the anger in her eyes once again.
"I won't ever make the mistake of giving my heart to someone again. Why would I? I did for you and look where that got me. I told you exactly how to hurt me and you did it. With no regrets. I guess I should thank you for saving me the pain that would have come later, but I won't. I'm not going to thank you for anything," she spat.
She brought her hand up and slapped him across the face as hard as she could. He looked back to her and she pointed her finger in his face to get her point across.
"I never want to see you again!" She yelled the words and punctuated them by storming out the door and slamming it shut behind her.
The sting of the slap was gone. In fact, Johnny felt nothing at all. Nothing but the hole in his chest where his heart should have been. The heart that had walked out the door with Lulu that he could never get back.
He dropped his head and cried. He was dead on the inside without her. And why shouldn't his outside match?
Johnny was racing down the road. Taking curves at dangerous speeds and not even trying to clear his tear filled eyes. It wasn't dangerous enough. He was still living and that was not what he wanted. He slammed on the breaks and turned his car around in the direction of Sonny's house with a new plan in mind.
Johnny left Claudia a voicemail. It was simple and told her not to argue with Sonny about anything. That Johnny had made a decision to protect her and that he loved her. She would figure out the rest soon enough.
Johnny pulled up to Sonny's house and stormed inside. He ignored Max who tried to stop him and barged into the living room. Sonny looked up from his desk and waved Max away.
"Claudia's not here John. And if you're here to give me another ultimatum about divorcing your sister you're wasting your time. We are going to stay married whether you like it or not."
"I don't. But that's not why I'm here. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I need to tell you the truth about Michael," Johnny's words made Sonny pay attention.
"I hired Ian Devlin. After you locked me in the padded room, I wanted you dead. I didn't care how it happened, but I wanted it to happen fast. I met Devlin and he gave me his credentials. He wasn't the best, but I thought he could get the job done. He set the time and place. I was ready to pay him when he got it done. He never did. He botched the job and your son was put into a coma. I'm sorry for that."
Sonny spoke slowly, "Why do you come to me now? Am I really supposed to believe that Claudia had nothing to do with this? And what about Lulu?"
Hearing Lulu's name almost made Johnny collapse. He tried to keep his calm demeanor and spoke softly, "She knows. She's gone. Claudia doesn't. The first Claudia will hear about this is when you have to explain to her about my death."
"Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. I'm not going to kill you. Not now. That would be too convenient for you. I'm going to make you run. Make you wonder when the day will come when your life will end. I won't give you the satisfaction of seeing death coming."
"What if I refuse to run? Stand here until you put a bullet in my head," Johnny was grasping at any option to get Sonny to end his life. He wanted death now, but he couldn't kill himself.
"You won't. Because there is a part of you that doesn't want your sister to have to walk in and find your dead body on the floor. You want to save her a little bit of pain," Sonny said the words condescendingly and Johnny knew he was right.
Johnny looked at Sonny and it was clear that no one would die tonight. Johnny walked out of the room and the house. He sat in his car and shook all over. How long would Sonny wait to put him out of his misery? Would Claudia go along with his story?
And the most important question…
How long would Lulu's face full of anger, hurt and disappointment haunt his memory?