Disclaimer: I do not own family guy at all.
INTRO
Peter: Ahh Lois this is the life… Chris is off in camp, Meg is at summer school and Stewy is at daycare.
Lois: Uh, Peter they're coming home today.
Peter: Crap!
Doorbell rings
Peter: Lois get it….
Lois: Peter! I'm trying to wash the dishes, can YOU please get it.
Peter: I have to get everything around here….
Lois rolls her eyes
Doorbell rings…again
Peter: I'm coming dang it!
Peter opens door
Stewy: Dang it old man, are you to fat to get the dang door?
Peter: Oh you're so cute….
Stewy: Get out of my way; I have nuclear weapons to make.
Peter: Hey look Chris is coming this way!
Chris: Hi dad!
Peter: Hey there! So what did you learn at camp?
Chris: I learned what pot is!!!
Peter: Did you bring any.
Chris: No….
Peter: Get in the house and shut up like a good boy. Oh hey look it's Meg!
Meg: Get out of the way dad, I wanna show Mom something.
Peter: What is it? Tell me first.
Stewy(from the background): Is it a bomb?
Meg: It's a time machine, and I want to go to the future!
Peter faints(from his beer not in shock)
END OF EPISODE ONE