Get Out Of My Way!

by Tbf-DB

The Cullen’s are each given a list of human tasks to complete before each of their siblings. A friendly competition gets sticky, gooey, bubbly and violent...Edward will never look at walkers the same...So who will suffer the ultimate humiliation?

1. How Many Vampires Does It Take?

Summary: The Cullen's are each given a series of average, daily tasks, modified to some point, to complete before each of their siblings. Of course, how hard can this be for a bunch of Vampires? The day proves to be a lot more chaotic than anticipated. Who will suffer the ultimate humiliation?

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Nor do I own any Grocers, Gas Stations, Laundry Mats, And Or Old Men With Walkers.

Author's Note: Bella is still human while the Cullen's, obviously, are vampires. Enjoy. :)

How Many Vampires Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Bpov

We were all scattered around the Cullen's living area. Alice and Jasper sprawled out on the floor, propped up on their elbows, Emmett and Rosalie seated on the far corner of the sofa –Emmett whispering god knows what into Rosalie's ear- and Edward and me on the opposite end, my head in Edward's lap as he played with my hair. We were trying to come up with something to do, well everyone other than Emmett, seeing as we've been lazing around for the past three days. So far, zero progress. You'd think after living for a few centuries you might come up with a few ways to entertain yourself. Surprisingly, Emmett was the first to speak up. Maybe he had been thinking after all...

"How 'bout we-"

He was cut off by a low rumbling growl from Edward. I glanced up in time to see the glare he was sending toward Emmett and I shot him a questioning glance only to have him shake his head ad roll his eyes. It only took a moment to realize where Emmett's sentence had been heading, and I felt the heat rush to my cheeks instantly. Strike that previous thought. Emmett still not thinking, as usual. Suddenly Alice's tiny body shot up into a standing position at a speed only vampires can achieve with a huge smile on her face.

"I've got it! I know what we're going to do today!" She shouted as she began jumping up and down.

I stole a peek at Edward and he shrugged while continuing to twirl my hair. Everyone looked somewhat warily at Alice's hopping form waiting for her to reveal her plans.

"We are going to…..RACE!" Alice exclaimed.

"We're going to what!?" I Yelled. Maybe she's forgotten but I don't have super vampire speed!

"We're each going to have a list of things to do. A To-Do-List! I'll have Esme write it up. Anyway we will each get a copy of that list and split up to complete each task. Once we've finished we meet up back here with proof of each completed chore. The first person back wins and will receive some sort of prize while the last person, the loser, with have to do something humiliating!"

"What will the loser have to do?" I asked. I admit I was a bit scared since I would undoubtedly be the last person to arrive back.

Alice's face dropped slightly, and she got that pondering look on her face again. "I'm not sure" she said tapping her index finger to her chin "I still haven't figured out what the winner and loser get."

"I know!"

We all groaned and looked at Emmett, waiting for the inevitable innuendo.

"No! I'm serious this time guys!" He pouted and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Well get on with it then" Rosalie prompted turning to face him.

"The winner should get to decide what it is that the loser has to do" He held his head up proudly and grinned. I confess, I liked the idea.

Alice beamed and looked around the room at each of us. "Great! It's settled then? Any objections? Overruled! I'll go talk to Esme!" With that she rushed out of the room, up the stairs and out of sight. When she was gone Emmett went back to whispering in Rosalie's ear and she was now actively participating while Jasper turned his attention to the television program about fish changing genders. I once again looked up at Edward. He had been pretty quiet throughout the –forced- agreement. His eyes were narrowed in the direction Alice had just disappeared through, and I felt my nerves build instantly.

"What's wrong?" I brought my hand to his cheek and turned his face to look at me.

"Nothing" He smiled slightly "She's blocking me so I am just a little suspicious."

I laughed and shook my head. He relies on his mind reading abilities far too much for his own good. I let my mind wander to the race challenge wondering what exactly would be on the list. I was kind of at ease knowing Esme would be the one coming up with the task's but still distrustful of my clumsiness and terrible luck. I probably wouldn't win but I could at least do my damndest not to lose. Heaven knows I do enough to embarrass myself on a daily basis as it is. The last thing I need is for someone to plan out my degradation. At that moment Alice zipped back into the room and appeared gracefully seated on the center of the couch, cross legged and not a hair out of place.

"Esme is already working on the list, she's thrilled with the idea and it won't be long before she's finished. There will in all be five chores to complete and I've decided we will not have to do them in order of the list, just to shake it up a little more. We'll be in public places so evidently no super strength or speed. Everyone got it?"

A chorus of 'yes' and 'uh huh' sounded. Alice did not look pleased with our lack of enthusiasm. She looked at Edward then and rolled her eyes at him.

"No Edward you can not go with Bella. This is all unaided and Bella will be perfectly fine." She huffed. Edward grumbled under his breath and sulked in his seat most likely worrying about me getting attacked by a swarm of pigeons or something of that nature. He really needs to learn how to relax. Esme descended down the stairs with a bright smile on her face and six sheets of folded paper in her hand. I have to say the sight was making my excitement grow!

"Now children, you are not to look at the list until I give the OK" She stated as she handed each of us our own list. "Remember you need the proof that you did in fact complete everything the list demands. Get ready……Set………..GO!"

There was the distinct sound of paper tearing as we all hastily unfolded our lists.

"CRAP!" I dimly heard Emmett scream. I glanced up momentarily to see Emmett's list torn in half. I giggled to myself as I quickly refocused my eyes on the list.

1: Go To The Grocers And Buy Everything Listed Below

Flour

Eggs

Canola Oil

Milk

Sweetened Condensed Milk

Peanut Butter

Sardines

2: Come Back And Cook Something Of Your Choice Using Everything You Bought

3: Go To Esme To Receive A Bag Of Laundry, Take It To The Laundry Mat, Wash The Load And Return It Home

4: Go To The Gas Station And Pump Someone's Gas For Them

5: Help The First Person You See At A Cross Walk Make It Across The Street

WHAT!?!

How was I supposed to just walk up to someone and ask to pump their gas? And then how was I supposed to prove it? Damn it Esme! I glanced up once more and it seemed everyone was trying to decide what to do first. I made a split decision and bolted toward Esme, inconspicuously swiping Edward's wallet from the end table. Hey, I need cash and who said you can't sabotage your significant other?

"I'll take the laundry now" The words ran into each other as I spit them from my lips. I wanted to get a move on and speaking slowly with coherency was not an option.

Esme disappeared up the stairs and returned a second later with a rather large load of clothes. I eyed them for a moment before heaving them into my arms and making a run for the door. My act seemed to jolt everyone into action as Jasper and Rosalie also retrieved their Clothes and Emmett and Alice battled their way to the garage. From my peripheral vision I saw Edward looking around for something and I laughed internally thinking about his wallet in my pocket.

"Good luck!" I heard Esme call just as I made it out the front door and to my truck in the drive way. As if I wasn't at enough of a disadvantage, I was stuck with my tortoise of a car. Fabulous.

EMpov

I can't believe I ripped my list! I was just trying to get a head start and the damn thing was just so flimsy. And to make things worse, that list was full of CHICK STUFF! Human chick stuff! Cook!? Uhh hi, I'm Emmett and I'm vampire. A male vampire. Well male vampires can pump gas! Wait…. HAHAHAHAHA! Fart! Okay back on task! I pulled into the gas station and parked in one of the employee stalls. The place was deserted… wait not deserted, Alice is here. Damn that little pixie. I'll just have to wrestle her for the first person to pull in. I unconsciously flexed my muscles…okay so it was a conscious action.

I got out of my jeep and leaned back on it as I made eye contact with Alice. She pointed her two fingers at her narrowed eyes then back at me and quirked a smile. Apparently she had a vision that cheater. A car pulled in then, a small rusted black car that pulled up next to the first pump. I instantly made a run, at human pace, toward the car but Alice was already there. I sped up a bit and reached the car just as a middle aged man stepped out of the drivers seat and looked up at Alice and me. He seemed confused at first, then he looked at Alice and got a goofy grin on his face. Gross. Of course Alice used that to her advantage and strutted up to him with a bright smile.

"Hello sir, please allow me to take care of this for you" She said in a seductive tone while ushering him back into the car.

"Anything else you want to take care of?" The man asked suggestively. I made a face and retreated back to my car mumbling about stupid Alice.

After the mans tank was full and Alice managed to evade his sexual comments and flirting she took off down the road in her yellow Porsche, leaving me scowling after her. Luckily I only had to wait a few minutes before a blue mini van pulled up in front of the same pump that had just been occupied by the pervert. I wasted no more time in rushing over, swiping my credit card and putting the pump into the nozzle of the car. A woman emerged from the van and rounded the car fixing her beady eyes on me and tapping her heeled foot with her hands on her hips.

"Young man what on earth do you think you're doing?" She demanded in a nasally voice.

I cringed internally and flashed her a winning smile. "Well I saw you're pretty face coming down that road and thought there's no way a woman of such class should be pumping her own gas."

"Excuse me!? Young man I am devotedly married, these goods are off the market!" The woman haughtily said as she fluffed her sweater around her breasts. I think I gagged. I don't know, my disgust was making it hard to tell. I glanced at the machine and cursed. The tank was only half way full.

"W-well I..I.." I glanced through the windows of her car and saw an infant in a car seat staring out at me. Must be her kid, he's got the same beady eyes. Huh, the woman seems a little old to have a baby. Whatever, when life gives you a chance to get a cougar old lady away from you, suck it. "OH MY GOD MA'AM! I THINK YOUR KID IS CHOKING!" I yelled frantically looking for an escape.

"What!?" She screamed running her stubby legs around to the other side of the car and opening the door. I glanced again at the numbers as they slowly came to a stop. I pulled out the pump and placed it back on the rack and tried to think of some way to get proof of this. Looking back through the window I saw the woman preoccupied with her baby and on a whim, I tore her side mirror from her car and made a break for my jeep. Crap I just broke the no super strength rule and I have no idea what the penalty for that is. Hopefully I hadn't wasted too much time to win…

EDpov

After about five minutes of futile searching I raced up to my bedroom, grabbed a wad of cash and stuffed it into my pocket. Everyone else had already left and I was behind on time. I still could not for the life of me think of where my wallet could be. I got into my Volvo and made toward to grocers. If I can get the shopping out of the way then everything else should be easy. A few minutes later I pulled into the parking lot. I easily spotted Alice's canary yellow Porsche as I ran into the store earning strange looks from passer byres. I didn't need to look at the list again to see what I needed. Vampire photographic memories come in handy. I grabbed a basket and headed down one of the isles not really knowing where anything was and just looking around for whatever jumped out at me.

After finding the sweetened condensed milk, eggs, and canola oil I ran into Alice in front of the peanut butter on isle 8. Suddenly everything slowed down. Alice's eyes locked with my own as we both glanced at the peanut butter and back at each other. Other people in the isle seemed to notice the show down as the inched away with frightened looks on their faces.

Crazy teenagers…

It's just peanut butter…

Should I call the police…

What's with the spooky evil eyes…

I'd like to rub peanut butter on him…yummy…

These were just some of the thoughts running through people's minds as they fled the isle.

"Alice." I said coolly.

"Edward." She replied in the same tone.

My fingers twitched.

So did hers.

I made no decisions.

She blocked her thoughts.

Fair game.

And then it happened. We both lunged for the peanut butter at the same time, making a grab for the same one. I tugged on the peanut butter with one hand and shoved her head away with the other.

"Let!....Go!" I said through my teeth.

"I…Was….Here….First!" She bit back harshly emphasizing each word with a tug on the peanut butter. Suddenly the pressure of our hold on the middle of the jar caused the lid to fly off into the roof of the building leaving a visible dent. We paid no mind to that through as the peanut butter sprayed out all over Alice's beloved designer clothes. She squealed and dropped her hold on the jar sending me toppling backward with it.

"EDWARD THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" She screeched at me. I noticeably cringed away from the volume and watched her grab a new jar of peanut butter along with the rest of her items and stomp angrily to the register. I wasted no time feeling sorry for Alice and rushed to gather the rest of my groceries. Alice would give me hell later but for now I kept my eyes on the prize.

Apov

I was livid. How could Edward be so careless? So stupid! Ugh! My beautiful clothes, ruined by this repulsive human food! The only good thing right now was that I had already completed two tasks. I was a little put off that I couldn't see the outcome of our little game, too many unmade decisions, but I guess I was also kind of glad. How much fun would it be if you already knew how things were going to turn out? I put my bags in the back seat of my car with the receipt, my proof, and began on my way home to put everything in the refrigerator before it went bad. I wasn't sure whether or not I should stay home and begin trying to make something moderately edible to a human or take my laundry load instead. I, like majority of my family, did not under any circumstances know how to cook. I mean we're vampires for crying out loud! Bella would definitely have the advantage there, though I'm not sure even she could pull something off with milk and sardines. Ick. Turning down the winding road to our house I decided to get the hard part out of the way first. Cooking. I knew some basics of course. You know, bread in the toaster makes toast. Eggs in a pan make scrambled eggs. I wasn't completely hopeless. I carried the bags into the kitchen and laid everything out on the counter top. We kept the fridge stocked with food for Bella so I did have some extra material to work with. I figured I'd go with the simplest thing that I knew. Cake. I got out one of our props, a mixing bowl, and set to work. I didn't know measurements so it's safe to say I was winging it. I poured the flour into the bowl and cracked two eggs to add. I poured in about a cup of milk and a handful of canola oil before setting my eyes on the sardines. I may not remember my human life, and I certainly don't remember what kind of ingredients taste good in cake, but I was sure sardines were a no-no. I bit my lip and poured the batter into a cake pan sticking it into the oven. I'd figure out the sardines later but for right now I won't be wasting time waiting for this cake to bake. I could probably run-err drive down the street and help some old fool across. With nearly four tasks down I was so going to win this!

I hopped into my car mentally cursing myself for the no super speed/strength rule but knowing it wouldn't be fair to Bella if we used our heightened abilities. Unfortunately there were only three stoplights in all of Forks which meant the same for cross walks. I sped toward the closest one and parked on the curb waiting for someone to show up. Waiting….And waiting………And waiting. Yes, it's Forks. Yes, it's raining. Damn humans suck it up and go for a walk! After fifteen minutes of waiting and no humans I began to worry about my cake. I looked into my immediate future and saw the cake being ready in about ten minutes. I tapped my fingers against the steering wheel and willed someone to cross the street. Just then, a car sped by at a frightening speed. But not just any car…a red BMW. I tapped my fingers with more fervor against the wheel feeling my anxiety rising. And then another car passed by, a much slower car. BELLA! Damn it! I looked down at my watch and noted that my cake needed to come out in precisely two minutes. And then my savior appeared, in the form of a wrinkly old withered man. And oh how beautiful he was! I literally jumped out of my car and ran over to him, maybe a bit faster than a normal human would. I grabbed his walker and smiled hugely at him.

"HI! I'm Alice and I'll be your designated helper today! Please keep your hands and loafer feet inside the walker at all times and thank you for walking Alice Landlines!" The old man looked up at me through thick glasses that made his eyes the size of base balls and his bottom liver spotted lip quivered as he made an attempt at speech.

"Well" He drawled in his raspy old voice "H..Hello there….young lady…" Oh god, we got an old war veteran ready to tell his old boring stories with drool running out the corner of his mouth.

"Come on let's get you across the street!" I blurted and I began tugging his walker toward the road. His eyes got wider –that freaked me out a bit- and he stumbled forward along with me.

"No dear! I'm not going that way… my home is on this side of the road" He grumbled as he tried to tug his walker back.

I turned and glared at him right in his cow eyes. "You. Are. Going. To. Cross. This. Street." I growled menacingly. That might have been over the top but this old man was not going to cost me the game!

"Oh my!" He wailed as I dragged him – literally, his loafers were and knees were being dragged across the asphalt as he held onto his walker- across the street. Once on the other side I smiled at him again and had him sign the business card that pervert at the gas station had given me for proof. As soon as his shaky hand finished with the pen I snatched it back and ran back to my car without another word. I looked into my future and saw my cake burnt and black, and a thick cloud of smoke filling the kitchen.

"Great" I hissed "Maybe they'll believe it's chocolate."

Author's Note: Originally, this was going to be a one-shot. But once I made it to 26 pages and 11,000 words and I was still nowhere near finished, I decided to just break it up into parts. So! Here's chapter one, Review and I will put the next one up in a few days!

.*~-Tbf -~*.