In Which Jack Makes a Bet
By Carmen Aistrup
A Torchwood fanfic
one-shot - slash - Ianto/Jack - general silliness
I don't own Torchwood or it's characters. Nothing. I own nothing. Nothing Tra-la-la.
"He's like a coffee ninja. I've never seen him drop a cup."
"But how hard can it be, seriously? I never drop my coffee at home."
"And is your home actually a secret base with stairways, invisible lifts, cables all over the floor, and half a million blind corners?"
"Point taken."
Ianto was the topic of today's fascinating lunchtime discussion. From their conversations, you would never guess that these people spent the rest of their day collecting alien technology and saving the human race. At Torchwood, lunch was a time to unwind, and to gossip about anyone who wasn't at the table. Ianto happened to be out on errands, so for the moment he was fair game.
"I can make him drop a cup," Jack said.
"Bet you a tenner that you can't," challenged Owen. Even if he thought Jack could do it, he probably would have made the bet. Anything to get attention, that was the Owen way.
"I'll take that bet," Jack grinned. "In fact, let's make it a bit more interesting. Anyone can catch him by surprise once. But three times… that would be a challenge."
"I'd like to see you try."
"What about proof?" Gwen asked. "You'll need proof."
"What, with a hidden camera? That seems a bit high tech for a ten pound bet." Jack argued.
"May I point out," Tosh said, "That the entire base is fitted with security cameras, and that anywhere you go, you'll be taped anyways?"
The last team member appeared in the doorway and suddenly everyone was captivated by their Chinese food. Ianto cleared their throat. "Knock knock. Sorry to break up this strange moment of silence. What did I miss?"
"Oh, hello Ianto," said Gwen. Her face gave nothing away. After working in Torchwood for awhile, you become a great liar. "It was silly. Someone just has a little… gas problem." she smirked at Owen, and the other team members followed her cue.
Owen looked red-faced under the pressure.
"Better in than out, I always say?" he said. Ianto raised his eyebrow at the question in the sentence.
"Well, maybe you say that. You would know better than me. Is there any rice left?"
Ianto had a Starbucks cup in his hand. To nobodies surprise, he didn't spill a drop as he sat down.
/// The next day ///
In contrast, everyone was surprised the next morning. When Gwen arrived at the base at nine o'clock (later than usual, but Rhys had insisted they eat breakfast together, for once) she was the last one there. The first thing she noticed was how quiet it was. The next thing she noticed was the mess.
It looked as if an rabid tiger had gotten loose. Computers where knocked over, cables where snapped, and for some reason the pterodactyl was missing.
She wanted to yell and see if anyone was there, but that would be stupid. She was just wondering if she should creep out and try to contact the other team members outside the base, when Owen yelled, "Gwen, is that you?"
Relief rushed through her system. "Yes, it's me! What's going on?"
"We're all in Jack's office. Come on up."
Sick with curiosity, she stomped up to the office. She was almost there was she started to hear chirping. It sounded a bit like baby birds in springtime, but more… predatory. When she got into the office she understood why.
"Those are baby pterodactyls."
"Yes they are," Jack replied without looking up. He was feeding one of the two absurd nestlings with an turkey baster.
"They came out of the big one?" The big pterodactyl in question was lounging in the corner. It was almost surreal that it fit in the tiny room, and it's had left a wake of wreckage on it's way to it's resting spot.
"Apparently she had laid it's eggs and hidden them in the base while back. I was the only one here last night when they started hatching. I started to hear the baby and I thought I was imagining it, until momma here started raising a fuss. She wouldn't quiet down until I helped her babies hatch."
"Jack, the pterodactyl midwife," Owen smirked.
"You hush. You can only laugh once you've been up to your elbows in dinosaur placenta."
"But, but, it's a boy pterodactyl! " Gwen sputtered.
"You checked, did you?"
"No…" She sat down next to Tosh on Jack's desk, trying to ignore the momma dinosaur that was now staring at her aptly. "What are you naming them?"
"Haven't thought of names yet. Maybe something like Cupid or Aphrodite, since Valentines day is tomorrow." Everyone in the room grimaced. Ugh. Holiday names.
"Well, if the baby shower is over," Tosh said, "We actually have some real work to do."
"Classic Tosh," said Owen, rolling his eyes. "Something interesting happens, and she wants to get back to work."
"Cut it out, Owen. You know she's right," Gwen chided.
Owen scowled. "You women always gang up on me. Fine, fine. I'm no good with kids anyways."
Just inside the office door, Ianto was sweeping something into a dustpan. At fist Gwen thought it was eggshell, which would make sense under the circumstances. On closer inspection, as she brushed past him out the door, she realized that it was shards of glass.
/// That day, at lunch ///
"Where's Jack?" asked Gwen as she came in for lunch.
"Shopping. And Ianto is feeding the pterodactyls."
Tosh set down the KFC takeout bags on the conference room table. "He left a sticky note. It says…" she pulled a yellow paper out of her pocket. "It says, I'm not going to be here for lunch, but check the B4 security feed for seven thirty this morning."
"He left me one too," said Owen. "I already pulled it up." He switched on the conference room television and pressed play on the remote control. Here is what they saw-
Jack's office. The doorway. Indistinguishable noises are coming from somewhere off camera. Then footsteps, just before Ianto appears inside the doorway. The next is a thunk as he hits the coffee mug he's holding (and his knuckles) against the door as he steps back, apparently out of surprise. His fingers start to go limp as they make contact with the door frame. The audience gasps,
"He's gonna loose it!"
"Wait, watch-"
As he fumbles, but as the mug begins to drop, he moves quickly and catches it, to the collective grumbling of the assembled onlookers. Just then Jack begins to speak from out of camera range.
"You've got a bit of placenta on your shoe," he says. Ianto looks down and in his distraction he releases his precarious grip on the mug. It hits the floor, and shatters. Coffee spills everywhere! The crowd goes wild!
"What are you watching?"
Owen snapped off the tv. "What? What are you talking about?"
Ianto frowned. "Why are you watching the security cameras?"
"We were looking for the birth of the pterodactyls. We missed the actual moment, but we thought it would be fun to watch it on tape." Tosh lied.
"Oh, sounds like a wild time. But I have a bit of a delicate constitution, and I'd rather not watch the birth of young reptiles while I'm trying to eat, if that's okay with you."
"Oh, sorry, I forgot about your placentaphobia," Owen goaded, before Gwen elbowed him in the ribs.
"It's fine, I didn't want to watch it either, actually," said Gwen. "Shall I make us some coffee?" she asked, to the general amusement of the group.
/// Lunch the Next Day ///
Tosh was late to lunch the next day. She had been engrossed in some research she had been doing and nobody had told her the pizza had arrived. When she walked into the conference room, they were watching a security feed of Jack and Ianto in a steamy make-out session over the boss's desk.
"Oh, good, I love home made porn. Is Jack shopping again?"
"He was here before but he was too embarrassed to stay," said Gwen, her eyes still glued to the screen. "And Ianto's obviously not here. I don't even know where he is."
"So does this have anything to the bet or are we just watching this for kicks?"
"Jack insisted that Ianto knocks over that coffee on the edge, right there, see it? It hasn't happened yet, though. They seem to be staying largely on the right side of the desk."
"I can see that," Tosh observed. The two were now madly trying to tear off each others clothes. She found that she couldn't quite look away. Even Owen was staring, albeit more embarrassedly.
"Hey… they stopped. What's going on?"
Indeed, they had. Ianto is staring at something off screen, and a moment later Jack follows his gaze.
"What are they looking at?"
"I can't do it," said the television Ianto.
"But why?"
"Not in front of the kids."
There was a pause, on screen and off, and then three Torchwood team members burst into hysterical laughter. They were laughing so hard, in fact, that they didn't hear the two separate sets of footsteps approaching the conference room from different directions.
/// Outside the lunch room///
"Ianto!"
"Yes, sir?"
"You know, you can call me Jack."
"Yes sir."
Jack sighed. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the television flickering inside through the lunch room window.
"We can move them if you want. Their momma didn't seem to mind when I tried it earlier."
"Okay, you take one, I'll get the other."
"I… um…" the real Jack mumbled.
They walk off camera and when they return, they're each holding a fledgling pterodactyl. They're actually being very calm but as soon as they get to the desk, Ianto's dinosaur beats it's wings and struggles. Ianto steps back into the table, causing the coffee mug sitting on the surface to wobble.
Ianto turned to go into the room but Jack caught him by the shoulder.
"Sir? Wha-" he was interrupted as Jack's lips were suddenly pressed against his. He was startled off balance, and he teetered. The mug slipped through his fingers and fell, spinning, to the ground below. (Fact of life, Ianto always has a mug in his hand, whether he's drinking it or bringing it to someone else.)
Ianto turns and with one hand makes a wild grasp for the mug. He misses, and it slams into the floor, with a startling
SMASH.
Jack drew back. Inside the conference room, someone must have finally noticed them, because the television went dark. Ianto looked solemnly at the shattered mug.
"That's the third one in two days. There must be some kind of plot against me."
Does he know? thought Jack. Plots within plots. What a job.
"And what's all this, kissing me at random, whenever you feel like? The rest of the team is going to think I'm the office slut." He smiled, and Jack knew he was joking. He laughed, partly from relief.
"You'd better not. I want you all to myself," he said with a mischievous grin.
"M-hm. I think I know what this is about."
"Oh?" said Jack, feigning innocence. "And what is that?"
The three other team members were all watching them through the window now, and undoubtedly straining their ears to hear. Owen was probably a bit sore about loosing the bet so quickly. Ianto happened to glance sideways and see them, so before speaking again, he leaned closer to Jack and said in a conspiratorial tone, "Whisper. It'll drive them crazy."
Jack grinned. "Fine. But, what do you think is going on?"
"You want to ask me to be your valentine."
///Later that day///
"What did he say?" asked Gwen.
"I guess I have to pay up," grumbled Owen. "That last one was a cheap shot though. Anyone could have kissed him."
"Really? Would you have done it?" asked Jack, to Owen's embarrassment.
"Did he figure it out?" Tosh inquired.
Jack shook his head. "Actually," he said, "He thought I wanted to be his valentine." Owen barked a laugh, and Tosh and Gwen grinned.
"I think it's cute. I didn't know you could ask people to be your valentine after high school. After that I thought only couples celebrated the holiday," Tosh said.
"It was a surprise to me too. I told him he was right, though."
"I guess you'll have to buy him flowers or something, then," Gwen said.
Jack shrugged. "It's worth it. I won the bet, didn't I?" Owen scowled. "I guess I'd better go buy something for Ianto now. See you guys tomorrow."
"Bye," the girls chorused.
Jack left the base but stopped a few feet away from the invisible lift. It seems he didn't have any shopping to do, after all. He had actually made all his Valentine's day arrangements the previous day, during lunch. Oh, he could have just asked Ianto to be his valentine, but where would the fun in that be?
Plots within plots. Jack loved his job.