Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki or any of the characters. I just like to borrow them as an outlet for my muse to express its creativity.
A/N: My first ever Saiyuki fic! It will be a two-part focusing on the pairing of Kougaiji and Yaone, one of the most overlooked couples (in my opinion). I re-watched Episode 5 of the anime, "Beautiful Assassin" and the idea of this fic was born. The story is set right after that episode, after Yaone failed in her mission to kill Sanzo ikkou. I'm trying to further explore the relationship between the two of them, and hopefully, provide more insights on their feelings. The fiction will be done in Yaone's POV.
Warning: This two-part fic contains hints at a lemon (which will be in chapter 2), but it will not be overly graphic. You've been warned, so I should not be seeing flames. Flames will be given to Kougaiji to play with.
Alright, enough said. Read, enjoy and review please! I hope you guys will like this fic!
Title: Playing with Fire (Part 1)
I've failed.
I've failed so miserably, in the most dishonorable of ways.
I failed in my mission to be of assistance to him.
I even failed in ending my own life, and even endangered his.
The glistening knife was just inches away from terminating my life, as I braced myself for the pain and darkness that was to follow my choice for a dignified death.
"Farewell, Kougaiji-sama…" I whispered; my tears falling freely down my cheeks…until I felt an overwhelming gust of powerful demonic aura and speed, sweeping me off the ground and forcefully wrenching the knife out of my grip. I was vaguely aware of a pair of strong arms holding me tightly to a firm, solid body.
The wind was rushing against my face, before I struggled to open my eyes.
"Kou-Kougaiji-sama!"
He had come for me, when I was at my most vulnerable.
He didn't seem to be angry with me for failing, but I cannot find it within me to forgive myself. It was precisely because of me that the monk got the chance to point the gun at his head, and if he died because of that, I don't know what I'll do.
As I watched the monk raise the gun, a million thoughts raced through my mind. Should I attempt to push the monk out of the way? Should I beg him to remove the gun? Should I beg to die in his place instead?
But I didn't do any of that. I was simply in a state of shock and helplessness, fully dependant on him for protection. Even after we left, I couldn't say a single word. All I could do was steal glances at his hand, bleeding profusely from wrenching the knife out of my hands earlier on, stopping my suicide attempt.
It was when we stopped at the forest, did he speak up.
I was expecting him to berate me, not express concern.
"Did you get hurt?"
After I ruined the mission, almost ended my life, almost caused him to lose his, all he wanted to know was if I got hurt.
In my panic, I started apologizing profusely, offering my life as redemption for my failure. I have let him down so badly; he most probably doesn't trust me to work for him anymore.
"I'm willing to die to atone for my mista-"
"Don't be ridiculous! I will not tolerate it when my subordinates speak of throwing their lives away so easily!"
I couldn't reply to that…It was as if my mind became a vacuum at that moment. It was the first time he shouted at me so harshly.
From my position on the sandy ground, I could clearly hear his breathing – harsh, desperate for control.
And then he spoke up again.
"Are you thinking of breaking your promise to be by my side forever?"
He didn't know…that was the last thing I would ever do.
I can never bring myself to leave him. Only death would be capable of doing so.
Right now, sitting alone in my chambers, I watched the flame of the burning candle in front of me, and how the wax at the tip would melt into a clear red liquid before running down the length of the candle in rivulets to solidify into a shapeless mass on the table.
The single flame was hot, glaring and full of life.
Just like him. He is fire.
If he was the flame, I would be the candle; melting so helplessly at his mercy, only to end up in a mess.
He's so dangerous, so wild…unbridled…and so incredibly attractive. I don't deny that my desire to prove my worth and impress him constitutes part of the reason of my loyalty to him. If only he would notice me a little more…
"Kougaiji-sama…" I whispered, tentatively reaching out to touch the flame. My fingertip got closer with every passing second, until it rested directly in the yellow flame.
I bit my lower lip, feeling unbearable pain shoot through my fingertip to reach the rest of my body. The hungry flame licked at my finger, until it became too much for me to bear.
Crying out softly, I drew my hand back, wincing from the searing pain. It was no use…one should never play with fire. You get too close, you get burned. It was just about as simple as that, and this theory stands testimony to how unattainable Kougaiji-sama will always be.
"What are you doing?"
I froze; I could recognize that voice anywhere.
Frantically hiding my hand behind myself, I stood up to face the door, only to see the very man who haunts my dreams standing there. His face was almost expressionless, yet his eyes were a tad wider than usual. In his hand, was a small bottle of what appears to be ointment.
"Kou-Kougaiji-sama," I greeted him shakily, plastering a smile onto my face. "What brings you here at this hour?"
His facial expression didn't change; instead, he looked straight into my eyes.
"Why are you hurting yourself?"
The roof of my mouth went dry as cotton in that instant, as I struggled with my mind for the right response, instinctively drawing my hand back more.
"Wha-What are you talking about, Kougaiji-sama?"
"Don't bother with denial. I saw everything."
"I…I…"
"Yaone, why are you hurting yourself?" He pressed on, walking towards me, before I stepped back instinctively. I could feel fear and discomfort rising up rapidly in me in the face of direct confrontation from him. His overwhelming presence was not making it any easier for me to breathe.
"Please, stop asking-"
The rest of the sentence never got to leave my lips as he reached out swiftly to grasp my hand in his, holding it in front of his face in a firm but gentle grip. I grimaced in pain as he ran the pad of his thumb tenderly over the singed skin of my index finger.
"Why?" His voice was calm and slow, despite my efforts to withdraw my hand from his hold.
"Don't…please, I beg of you, Kougaiji-sama!" I was almost close to tears by now, from the fear, embarrassment and the sheer pressure of having him in such close proximity.
"I want to know." He refused to relinquish his hold.
"I…" The tears had welled up and started making their way down my cheeks by now. I knew he would not give up until he got the answer he wanted. "I…I wanted to…"
"To do what?"
"To touch you," The words left me in the barest of whispers, as I summoned all the courage I had to look at him in the face, watching surprise take its place on his handsome face, before the acrid tears blurred my vision. "I wanted to touch you, Kougaiji-sama."
He was silent, and for seconds, all we did was look at each other, with the only sounds in the room being that of our breathing.
I no longer felt any fear; not when I've already come so far in pushing my luck.
He still didn't breathe a word, only to surprise me in turn when he lifted my hand and placed it against his cheek.
My heart seemed to have stopped in the instant my hand came into contact with his face, the perfect face which have been in my thoughts and heart since he saved me from doom years ago. From our point of contact, tingles shot up the length of my hand, burning a direct path of forbidden desire towards my heart.
"Then touch." He whispered, his eyes locked with mine in a powerful gaze that rendered me completely helpless.
And touch I did.
Tracing the strong outline of his jaw with my trembling fingers from his pointed ear to his chin, I gingerly explored his chiseled features, running my fingers along the dusty red markings on his perfect face. My heart in my throat, as my hand cupped his cheek, thumb drawing little circles on the smooth skin, under which I knew resided a strong and respectable spirit.
His eyes were closed, as he leaned into my touch slowly, and for once, I felt as if I wasn't the only one affected by our physical contact.
He's so perfect; he is the epitome of perfection.
As I eventually drew away, breaking the magical connection, he opened his eyes.
"Aren't you going to kill me for my insolence, Kougaiji-sama?" I said breathily, my voice hoarse from my tears and the emotional intensity. "Aren't you going to punish me for being a failure? For putting us in danger, and ruining your noble plans?"
He did not reply.
With this newfound false courage, I continued speaking, unfaltering. I was too emotionally-charged and caught up to stop.
"I know you're upset with me for failing you; so instead of doing nothing, I implore you to punish me. Please allow me to make up for my errors in some way, instead of leaving me hanging here, with the knowledge that you're upset and yet deliberately not doing anything about it. Please, Kougaiji-sama…I wouldn't protest even if you wish to take my life."
He went on looking at me, motionless, while the atmosphere in the air mounted up to a suffocating level, threatening to drown me. The fragrance of the sandalwood incense by my bedside was almost making me nauseous.
I swallowed, lubricating my throat after all the crying and talking, while bravely keeping my head up.
All I saw was a blur of red, before I found myself caught in his heated, crushing embrace.
He held me tightly, almost to the point of being fiercely, his strong arms pressing my body so closely to his larger frame. I stiffened; this is what I had been dreaming of for countless of lonely nights, but yet it feels so weird now, driving my senses into anxiety.
"You're only half-right, Yaone." He said, ever so softly, by the shell of my ear, his warm breath dancing over it. "You're right in saying that I'm upset, but the reasons you gave are totally wrong."
"What did I get wrong, Kougaiji-sama?" I whispered back, trying to breathe normally to calm down.
This time round, he wasted no time in replying. Releasing me abruptly from his embrace, eliciting a cry of surprise, he held me by the shoulders, looking deep into my eyes as I tried desperately to evade the overwhelming eye contact.
"You know why I am upset?" He asked, his breath coming out shorter and faster, agitation being the culprit.
I did not speak, because I did not know what to say or what to expect.
"It's not because of your failure in that mission, and it's definitely not over how we could have lost our lives today." He continued. "I'm upset with you because you don't value your life at all! You thought of killing yourself just like that, and begged me to let you pay with your life. Damn, Yaone, do you really believe your life is worthless? If it does not matter in the least to you, let me tell you this – It matters to me."
To be continued…
A/N: I hope you guys like this chapter so far, and also hope I didn't make the characters seem OOC too much. It's quite hard trying to analyze them, since they are not the main characters such as Sanzo and gang, but nonetheless a very enjoyable writing process.
I put a lot of effort into this, so if you liked it and would like to see the final installation, chapter 2, up soon, please reward my efforts by dropping a review! College life is terribly busy, and a bit of motivation keeps authors going. Thank you for reading!