I'm going to make this one short.
It's a light break because I am having major writer's block. Like- SERIOUS writer's block. I don't know what to do... ;A; So I'm just rambling with my fingers and trying to write at least something! Whahat do you do when your brain just can't find the words anymore? Listen to music? Eat your favorite snack? Sleep? *DIES*
But yeah, I was just typing out random angst and then it turned into a story. Well, hope you guys don't hate my little randomness here too much. TTATT
~Sum-Won~
It Was Always You
I couldn't do this anymore...
I sighed.
I can't.
I seriously can't.
And it's not like he did anything wrong, because he hasn't. It was just that I seriously didn't have the patience nor the will to go through this suffering. I couldn't keep waiting and expecting when there was nothing at the other end of the road. It was like hoping for that special legos set that I had once wanted as a child for Christmas but instead had ended up only receiving just a twenty five dollar gift card.
I couldn't keep going on like this.
It was getting in the way of my work and the way I treated my co-workers and that wasn't good. Or to be more accurate- the way I would soon be treating my coworkers. At the moment, I hadn't done anything. I hadn't said anything. But I knew how I was. I knew how cruel and horrible I could be when it came to something I wanted.
And before I became that disgusting me- Because I would most definitely become that greedy and selfish me…
I would take the steps to leaving this place once and for all.
I wasn't abandoning my work per say...
I was just going to be replaced and shifted to another branch. After all it wasn't like the company here needed me. I wasn't a necessary- just a spare.
And I liked that-
Being able to move about with my own will and not having things cling to my legs making me immobile in this world. As I placed the last of my papers into my case, I threw away my cup of tea that I had brought with me this morning.
When I first got here and started working, I had always had a bottle of water. Yeah. Just water. I couldn't stand drinking anything like coffee. Smoothies were alright but once the ice melted it was just over-sweetened slush.
Not my thing.
Now-
Coffee was disgusting.
Ugh.
Made the vein at my neck throb, and my world spin in a way that wasn't good.
So water it was.
I liked water.
Water was good.
It was neutral.
It was understanding.
I slung my leather case over my shoulder as I headed for the door that lead out to a rather narrow hallway for such a big building.
But it seems his love for tea has gotten me reeling in the same habit.
I turned the corner once I made it down the hall and headed for the elevator. His office was on the thirteenth floor. Second to last really. Of course, no one really counted the fourteenth floor as a floor because it was really just the attic- better known as the storage level. I hit my assigned floor as I got in and awaited for my exit. I had already spoken with my higher up boss.
Erwin was his name.
He was a good man. Light on the surface but calculative and constantly thinking under. We went out to lunch together from time to time. The Sunday before last Sunday, I had the chance to speak with him while the crew was out. I knew that it was a bit bold, but I seriously felt like addressing the issue at hand with Erwin would be much more effective than speaking with my own lower boss because well...
It had just been more convenient at the time is what I had told myself.
But of course, deep down I knew that wasn't true. Either way, we worked things out and all went well for me.
So here I was.
The elevator door opened and I stepped out with an eased mind as I strolled down the corridor eventually stopping at room 113. Letting out a sigh, I raised a hand up in order to knock on the door.
And as expected, he answered.
"Come in."
I pulled forward, turning the handle of the long glazed oak door with a push as I entered the room in a practiced manner.
"Sir," I said as I closed the wooden frame behind me and turned towards him.
Like the usual he didn't look up. He was concentrated in a pamphlet on his desk most likely outlining a new project for the company of some sort. Last time I had checked, the higher ups had been attempting to promote a new product that was soon to be put on the market.
"Jaeger," replied Levi blinking although not making eye contact as he shuffled through another pamphlet from the left, "State your business. I'm busy."
I stood there at the entrance of the room letting my gaze fall upon this man. This man called Levi. Levi was my boss. And then there was Erwin who was the boss of all bosses. It was funny how my boss who was lower in status was actually much, much harder to approach than my head boss which was quite more aloof. However, I knew it was just the way the two carried themselves.
I stepped forward, strutting at a leisurely pace.
Levi hated sound.
He hated noise.
He hated disorder.
I knew that.
Why wouldn't I?
I laughed internally to myself as I made it to his desk.
Still the man didn't look up.
He never did.
And perhaps since it's just me- he never will.
Levi didn't have any dirt on me. No. It was just that Levi was like this. This man who knew how to speak French and English- and had somehow sported a history of militant warfare. This man that could smile with ease at clients and yet curse in more colors than the palette of the sky...
He was just like this.
Yeah. I've known that.
"I just need to give you this before I go, sir."
I pulled out the clipped stack of papers that I had prepared and gotten approval from Erwin placing it on the right corner of my boss's desk.
This was where everything went.
Right. Corner.
Anything that wasn't important enough to be placed at his full attention until the next morning.
Right. Corner.
Levi's eyes flickered up momentarily up catching my line of vision. And as I had always practiced, I gave him my trade mark smile that I had learned to work with from day one of entering this company.
"Why didn't you just hand that to Hange?"
I laughed weakly at the question, "Erwin requested I hand it specifically to you. Of course, if you want me to I can put it in Hange's box instead, sir."
That got Levi's attention apparently. The man straightened his back as he put away the pamphlets that had been occupying his attention a moment ago. Reaching out to the right corner, the man pulled my small stack of papers towards himself and placed it atop his reading board as he put on his glasses to define the fine print.
"I'll be going now. Armin is my ride tonight, sir," I spoke with the usual tone and turned to leave.
Levi didn't like people taking up his time.
He was busy.
Time was money.
It always was.
I made it to the door and turned the handle.
It was tiring to think of him.
It was tiring to think of Levi.
Because every time I came to a memory of him, my world would freeze.
He was my goal.
Or atleast... He had begun to become my goal.
And I hated that.
I hated not being in control of myself. I hated being unable to see straight at the work in which I had been given. And I hated most of all...
Hating others.
It was tiring.
Too tiring.
So I requested Erwin to transfer me to another branch of the company. The blonde man had asked me why and I had told him I wasn't doing well in relations to some of my coworkers- which was true to some degree. Of course, I also added in how Armin had actually been thinking about moving anyway. And if my job was in another city, Armin and I could set our sights out in searching for a better place to live there. Erwin hadn't been too keen on the explanation but he had told me he understood and helped me get the needed papers done. The tall blonde man had asked me if I had informed Levi. I had told him I hadn't. Luckily, the blonde man had told me not to worry about it until the day I was actually leaving. I agreed with him since at the time the company had been in a major project that needed Levi undistracted.
I'm fine with that.
Like I always was.
In the end all things worked out.
As I made it to the elevator I clicked the button to go down.
A sigh escaped my lips.
What was the problem with this company?
There was no problem.
This company was good.
Damn it's been good.
Although there were a few handful of jerks and backstabbers here and there, I had seen worst. The problem wasn't the environment. No. It was the fact that I had let myself get too carried away. It was the fact that I let the act of getting tea every morning with a certain someone become special. It was the fact that I had allowed for the brush of fingertips when handing papers over to become something heartwarming and lingering.
It was the fact that I was completely and utterly in love with Levi.
The elevator door dinged open signaling me that it had reached my floor. I stepped in and turned towards the numerous buttons that indicated which level I was headed towards. I pressed my index finger on the assigned level I needed to get to and rolled my shoulders back awaiting for the metal frames to close. The doors moved towards each other just about to cut off the scenery of the hall when-
BAM!
A single hand stuck out slamming against the two metal squares shoving them open again.
I had jumped from the sudden sound and almost made a three sixty. Thank god it was just an idiot who needed to get into the elevator and not the company's damn building wires failing on me.
I let out a sigh and was about to look away from the rather rude intrusion when an angered voice that I had almost not recognized growled out angrily.
"What in the fuck do you think you're doing?"
I hadn't even gotten to answer him before he reached forward and took a hold of my wrist yanking me out of the elevator at lightening speed.
"S-sir?!" I yelped from the sudden action completely taken off guard.
What is his problem?
Did Hange forget to give him his daily dose of tea this morning?
Had his papers not been organized alphabetically from the mailing box at noon?
We had almost made it halfway down the hall when I pulled back away from him although his grip was still firm on the ball of my wrist.
"Sir, although I am already clocked off- And perhaps may be overstepping my bounds a bit, I am a guest as of the moment."
Levi didn't turn around to look at me.
I wondered if he was mad because I had stopped him from dragging me back to his office.
"This sort of behavior isn't meant for the work-"
"Shut it."
I blinked in surprise.
"I know. I'm already off the clock too," he finished unexpectedly.
We stood there in the hallway as he continued to hold my hand, both of our legs spread out in a V having been in the middle of progressive motion.
"Levi," I sighed dropping the honorifics because basically he had just told me we were merely two guests of the building speaking to each other, "I have to catch my ride with Armin. If you need something, just let Hange know. I'm sure she'll be able to tell the newcomer in the mor-"
BAM!
The sound of his fist hit my ears before my eyes caught his action. Although one of his arms was still occupied with my own, he had turned midways and his punch had collided with the wall to the left without warning. The shock still registering in my mind didn't even linger in the territory of fear. Everyone knew that Levi was a physically expressive man. However, he had never ever in the work place placed a finger on a single co-worker. Ever. Nor had he ever reacted this way to someone before.
I knew what he was capable of.
And although I was confident he wouldn't use his skills on me whether in anger or frustration, I was still surprised by the fact that he had relayed a display of aggression physically at all.
"Fine," the man gritted out quietly as he let go of my wrist and turned to face me fully still not looking straight at my eyes just yet.
"What's the problem?" Levi asked with a huff as he blinked a few times to get focused on my face.
I frowned in confusion, "What? There is no problem si-"
"There is."
I was lost now.
So lost.
"Then what is it, sir?" I asked completely ignorant to what he was trying to imply with his words.
Levi huffed to the side fixing his tense posture to a more relaxed one as his eyes trailed down my body, "Those papers."
"Yes?" I urged.
Had I missed one? I was confident Erwin had handed me all the necessary paperwork- unless I had forgotten a sheet in my box.
"They were resignation letters."
I gave the shorter man a solid nod, "Yes. Is there something wrong?"
That question seemed to rile Levi up a bit because his eyes suddenly snapped back to my face full force with a dangerous squint.
"The explanation said that you had issues with a few co-workers. Who is it?"
I was guessing that Levi was aiming to improve the company before I left. He couldn't have one of his employees leaving with a bad taste in their mouth and yapping to the other branches could he? Yes, the man was thorough. Most definitely thorough. But of course, I didn't have any specific co-workers that had bullied or caused for me to have a mental breakdown save the one in front of me so I looked away as I gave my response.
"No one in particular, sir. It's just that I'm not feeling comfortable in this work place anymore."
"Why is that?" Levi questioned with a quirking brow, "Is there something that needs to be improved on in this environment?"
I chewed on my upper lip as my eyes drifted to Levi's mid-drift and eventually progressed towards his face.
His tense jaw.
His fine lashes.
His thin lips.
"No, sir," I answered with a shake of my head in afterthought, "You're workplace is good. Flow is great. Everything is good."
Levi looked lost for a moment. Momentarily confused.
That's a first.
"Then why are you transferring?" he finally asked breathing out with a rather frustrated exhale as he closed his eyes and crossed his arms.
I looked down at my case that I was carrying.
Because I'm in love with you.
Because I can't stand standing next to you and feeling such a strong urge to pull you into my arms.
Or kiss your forehead and lean into your nape and inhale your cologne.
A chuckle escaped my lips as I realized how ridiculous I would probably sound aloud.
Levi caught the soft sound however and opened his eyes to stare at me like I was some sort of alien.
"I'm sorry, sir," I spoke all the while clearing my throat, "I know that a new project is starting and it's quite stressful, but don't worry too much about it. The new worker is of higher caliber than me and actually a veteran worker. He'll be handling the budget along side with the sections of the presentations that I usually complete for you. His name is Jean, I believe. He's one hundred percent capable of handling my job and much much more. He is more than qualified, sir. Erwin handpicked him afterall."
Levi hissed in frustration, "That doesn't answer my question, Jaeger."
I realized this was getting nowhere.
Armin was waiting for me outside and I didn't want him thinking I had decided to take a cab back to the apartments. I needed to make this quick.
"A co-worker of mine," I finally began with a sigh.
The change in my tone caught Levi's attention and his spine straighten to attention like a cat prepared for the worst.
I grinded my teeth wondering if this was really such a great idea.
But Levi hated dishonesty and if I was leaving I didn't want to release such a bitter after memory into my boss's mind.
Afterall, it was Levi I was talking about.
"I've fallen in love with a co-worker of mine."
The sentence seemed to have been a spear striking Levi across the chest, because the way his face contorted into shock and then confusion left me speechless. I decided to continue with my little explanation as quickly as possible.
Armin was out there afterall.
"This co-worker of mine's... a great person. Really. The person's great. But I've become so distracted by them that I can't concentrate on my work. I'm at my limit and if this continues the quality of my sections will fall. I didn't want it to get to that point, so that's why I'm transferring. I apologize if I confused you into thinking that it was because your section was incapable of handling itself. It was just me, sir."
Levi seemed to pull himself together quickly though grumbling out an almost inaudible response, "I see..."
I gave the man a nod although he was no longer looking at me but more so at the wall that he had punched earlier.
Please don't punch it again.
"Well, I really must be going. Armin is out there waiting for me after all, sir. I will most definitely be looking forward to the projects that you and the new transferee will be accomplishing."
And with that I turned to go.
Fate was kind enough to have the elevator doors open when I reached the button.
It was Hange.
"Oh! Eren! How nice to see you!"
I smiled at her and laughed as we passed by each other. Her coming out of the elevator and me going in.
"Have a good evening," I mustered out before the elevator door closed in on me.
The building was mostly empty at the moment. Usually by five everyone went home. Around six is when I usually went home and seven was for the janitors and late night workers that had to pull unicorns from their butts to meet a deadline. Work started at around five in the morning during the summer season. So anyone that wanted a good night sleep- especially long distance commuters had to really pull out early if they wanted to have some home and socializing time outside of work.
I watched the elevator floors light up in succession as I waited for my own level to glow yellow. I had only traveled two levels when the elevator came to a stop and the metal doors opened. I was about to move to the side to make space for the person until I realized they were breathing kind of heavy.
I blinked.
It was Levi.
Although the man was out of breath he said nothing as he climbed in. Levi didn't click a button so I assumed he was leaving as well. However, I was completely surprised to see that he had most likely ran down two flights of stairs in order to catch the elevator when he could have just waited. Usually Hange went up to poke at Levi for a good fifteen minutes before he left with the crazy assistant yapping at his heels.
As the elevator began moving down again Levi spoke, "Who is it?"
"Huh?" I responded rather a bit too stupendously because I hadn't even been paying attention.
"The person you're so in love with that it's costing you your position here."
I laughed aloud, "Oh!"
God must not be on my side today or something, because Levi is prying like a hound in someone else's business and that is just really rare.
Nah... It's typically non-existent usually.
"They're a higher up. I see them quite often actually."
The shorter man's face turned into a pout.
"Go on," he urged as his fingers tapped lightly on the silver railing screwed to the wall of the small chamber.
"They're really attentive with their work. Always on top of things. They're great. Great, I tell you," I rambled on as the sudden annoyance from before began fading away and the thought of Levi's most notable qualities began reeling in my mind.
"Though they are a bit impatient when it comes to certain things, and their vocabulary is quite wide in range- I think that it would've been great if I could have known them better than this," I finally sighed as I looked at nothing in particular rather longingly.
It was so stupid.
I could feel the blood rushing to my face.
The erratic beating of my heart.
The pumping of my veins.
I was so stupid.
And suddenly I felt the urge to cry.
To release my lost opportunities that I had denied myself time and after time again. But my boss was here.
Levi was here.
The man I loved was here.
And I didn't want to embarrass myself.
This single image.
Of me- standing across from him in a small air sealed room awaiting for our floor to arrive which could be the last memory I had with him.
I smiled at the thought.
God, I am so pitiful.
"It's Erwin, isn't it?"
My eyes turned to golf balls as my head snapped up to stare straight into Levi's face.
"S-sir?" I gaped, "I... Wha... How-"
"It's okay if you're in love with a man. It's fine."
I quirked a brow at the statement.
Oh...
I never realized I had never established my sexuality here in the workplace-
Not that it mattered really...
"Oh...," I whispered as the words Levi had just spoken slowly sunk in, "Oh- Oh! Oh! Oh my god! Oh my-"
Levi watched me incredulously as I suddenly covered my face with both hands.
"Oh my god... You said... Oh god...," I grumbled and groaned to myself in agony at the conclusion that Levi had come to.
The man grimaced at my reaction, "It's obvious, isn't it? You go out to lunch with him almost every Sunday. And when it comes down to transferring- you obviously trusted his judgement the most. Reporting to him instead of me- which I believe is rather bold."
I peeked at Levi through the cracks of my hand since the warmth in my face hadn't subsided yet. Eventually my hands pulled away though and moved to the pockets of my pants as I inhaled deeply trying to calm myself down. The wrinkles between Levi's brows seemed to only furrow deeper than ever with my completed reaction. I wasn't sure what to do so I gave him my trademark smile just as the elevator reached our floor. The door opened for the both of us, but of course standing at the entrance and exit of it was Armin.
"Eren!" he gasped with relief, "I waited for you for half an hour! I was seriously worried that you were going to skip out on me, but then i called home and Mikasa was there. She said you hadn't arrived so I thought that you were tidying up some things or something- Oh! Levi! Nice to see you!"
Levi gave the younger man an acknowledging nod as he turned towards me.
"I apologize, Arlert. I was talking with Eren and it seemed that things got a bit out of hand. Go ahead and take Eren's case. It will just be a moment before he joins you. We just need to finish up some things."
Armin gave Levi a quick nod and snatched my bag dashing out the door in a happy skip- most likely glad that he had found me. The moment Armin was out the door, Levi turned towards me again.
The lobby was empty.
The the desk people had long since left the place. I knew that the janitor, Mike, was most likely cleaning the second floor of the building right now. Security was most definitely in the back patrolling the pipe rooms at the moment. I sighed breaking the silence of the place.
"What did you need to tell me, Levi?" I asked with a tired expression.
I was worn out.
So very worn out.
So please, hurry up and say what you need to say.
"I love you."
I stood there staring at my boss for a moment not registering the words that he had just spoken. Hell, I must have been hallucinating. Wishful thinking could do that to people. Yep. That was most definitely-
"I said I love you, Eren."
I took a step back unconsciously without thinking, "What are you-"
But of course, Levi stepped forward and took a hold of one of my hands.
"And I know that it's probably unrequited- and that YES, you are leaving. But hell, I'd rather you leave knowing that there was another option besides damn high stacking eyebrows who is a lot better looking than me and has a higher educational degree. I was an option too. Hell- yeah there couldn't have been a relationship at work. Hell- yeah things were probably horrible for you because it was so annoying to realize that you were losing control of yourself. And of course- work was suddenly becoming something that was only getting in the way of the time you could spend with the person you were interested in. But, DAMN IT ALL!"
Levi took in a deep breath before looking at me with such a regretful and rather desperate gaze.
The man shook slightly. I could feel the warmth of his grip on me.
"Why couldn't it be..."
I stared at him for a moment as his eyes trailed down to the ground.
"Me?" he finally finished rather too husky and weak.
My heart was beating so freak'n fast I swore if I didn't know better I might have asked for Levi to call an ambulance because I felt like i was having a heart attack.
"I don't know..."
Levi head snapped up at the sound of my voice.
It had cracked.
I choked out suddenly realizing I couldn't even see Levi anymore because my vision had grown so very blurry, "I don't know... I don't-"
My hand that was free rose up to conceal my face from him.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say.
I don't know how to react.
For the longest time I had studied Levi. I had learned him to the tiniest detail, to the most that I could from the distance of his desk and the entrance of his office. I never questioned. I never asked. I didn't have the power nor the right. I knew my place in this world and it was as a flexible pawn under his hand. I had practiced that perfect smile. My trademark smile in hopes that he would be proud of me. I had learned his favorite blend of tea and the little things that caught his attention so that he would never question my progress throughout the day.
I had studied.
Studied and dissected Levi.
And yet...
My shoulders were shaking so badly as I felt the hiccups wrack up my body in waves.
And yet I've never once allowed myself to believe...
To expect...
Or to even dream that he-
"Eren...," spoke Levi suddenly sounding so very close to me.
And suddenly so tender and soft.
"I'm... I didn't mean to suddenly shock you like that. I..."
I felt firm arms cautiously wrap around my torso trying to pull me into a rather awkward yet gentle hug, "I'm sorry, okay?"
One of Levi's hand had made it's way to the back of my head and was slowly easing me to his shoulder. However, just as my forehead closed in on his own instead of allowing for the cradle of his palm to guide me to his nape I changed the direction of my face and aimed for his own instead.
Pausing momentarily, I looked into the man's grey orbs. He stared into mine not sure if I was confronting him in anger.
I smiled as my eyes crinkled and more tears spill down my cheek that was most definitely red and flushed by now.
"Don't be," I said before I wrapped my own arms around his smaller frame pulling him into a tight hug and crushed my lips against his.
Levi's eyes widened in surprise and shock as my lips met his own. The shorter man almost stumbled back, but I caught Levi in time and balanced out his footing. Of course, the weight of his body was a bit too much and we both fell over although I made sure to catch him before we met the floor. Only my knees were injured slightly but I didn't care, because I was too enthralled in the man before me. Without another second, my lips departed from Levi's and began traveling down his jaw until it made it to his throat.
His body laid on the floor and mine atop, although my head was now closer to his chest than his face.
Levi looked down towards me, his cheeks tinted a slight pink and his breath coming out a bit off.
I let our eyes meet for a good minute before opening my mouth and whispering.
"You were wrong, sir."
Levi stiffened under my hold.
"You were wrong," I continued as I tilted my head up and pressed my nose against his nape inhaling deeply.
So deeply.
Levi shuddered at the action and I smiled into the curve of his neck as I felt him swallow nervously.
"It was you," I breathed in slowly closing my eyes.
His heart is beating so fast right now
So fast...
And then out.
"It was always you."
The End