(Please note, the premise for this story came from the terrible crossover fanfic idea generator. I just rolled with it. And ended up with this.)
Ash loses his pants. Featuring some of the cast of The Princess Bride.
It was a normal day in southern Kanto. Pidgeys flew. A Tauros has just trampled a pack of Rattata and Magikarp is still the useless, pathetic waste of space and oxygen that it has been ever since the May 10th 1999.
"Boy, it sure is a nice day to partake in making small animals maul each other before stuffing them into tight, vacuum sealed balls!" Ash exclaimed as Pikachu was wrestling an Ekans, which had awoken Pikachu from its slumber. It was a sunny morning, with the sunlight gently shining through the trees in Viridian forest. Ash had camped there. And when he woke up, Dawn, Brock, Misty and Tracey were all missing. Ash didn't care much for them as he could steal their screen time.
Ash was contemplating what to do with his day; he was considering travelling into Pewter city to buy some potions in order to heal his Pokémon, only to make them fight to exhaustion again. In some cultures this would be sadistic and cruel. But not in Kanto, where the most famous people could probably be convicted for war crimes, genocide and animal cruelty in any other country.
While he was considering what to with his day Pikachu had just lost his fight with Ekans and was slowly being digested. "Come on Pikachu, let's go!" he proclaimed. Just then a Skarmory landed on his shoulder, thinking Ash was prey, but couldn't lift Ash due to the big, hard balls around his waist weighing him down. Ash, being so used to Pikachu perching there. Walked off without battering an eyelid or even looking at his companion.
Not understanding why everyone who saw Ash in Pewter City either stared in mild disbelief or ran away screaming, Ash went to the Pokémon centre to get his Pokémon healed for their next near death experience.
"...And then they faced a Magmar, a Regirock and a Zapdos all at once!" Ash regaled Nurse Joy with a story about his latest battle and how his Bulbasaur is now paraplegic. Nurse Joy had learned to just smile and try and look like she cared. While offering the customer any of the Pokémon centres other services. She was WH Smiths's best employee for 10 years before she moved to Kanto.
Now that Ash's Pokémon were temporarily in perfect health, he walked out of the Pokémon Centre. Suddenly, he heard screams of terror from people around him.
"IT'LL KILL US ALL"
"THAT THING SHOULDN'T BE IN PUBLIC. RUN!"
"IT'S HIDEOUS"
"I've seen bigger."
"DON'T HURT ME I HAVE A WIFE AND KIDS"
"Oh come on guys." Ash said with a veil of innocence and ignorance, "Pikachu isn't that bad"
But his words fell on deaf, screaming ears as the Pewter Town centre quickly became empty of any life whatsoever. Bar Ash and his "Pikachu", which had become stuck to the strap of Ash's backpack and therefore could not move. Not that Ash had noticed. He was too busy trying to think why so many people were running away from him. He knows he had gotten a lot of restraining orders. Mainly for walking into peoples houses uninvited and constantly asking them questions before rummaging through their bins and cupboards. But what were the chances of every one of them being in Pewter City at the same time? The hate protest against him was scheduled for next month.
"Hey, why is he wearing no pants?" A slightly dim-witted voice asked behind Ash.
"I don't know, I didn't hire you to ask questions. Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed, in Greenland?"
"Sorry boss."
Ash, wondering what the dim-witted voice meant, looked down. He had, in the American term of the word, forgotten his "pants". On the one day he decided to go commando. He groaned. He had already been arrested for public indecency once this year.
Ash turned around to see a somewhat short, balding guy, a tall hulking wall of a man who looked like they may have been a wrestler once in their life, and a moustached guy who looked like he had a tendency to repeat certain phrases over and over. The tall crony was carrying a well-dressed woman on his shoulder. Possibly royalty.
"I don't think we would get much from kidnapping him, either." The tall one said.
"I agree." The moustached one, reminiscent of Captain Hook replied.
"Don't think either, just mindlessly maim and kill. Fezzik! Inigo! GET HIM! And find some pants for him for crying out loud." The overexuberent man with the receding hairline yelled. Fezzik charged at Ash and Mr Moustache unsheathed his sword.
Ash can't fight for toffee. But he still bravely put his Pokémon in the line of fire.
"Go! Caterpie!" Ash chucked a Pokéball out and an oversized caterpillar emerged. It was promptly crushed underfoot by Fezzik the giant.
"Aw, boss. I got bug on my shoe" as he wiped the remains of Caterpie off his shoe.
"JUST KILL HIM AAAAARGGH" Mr Lead Crony looked like he was about to explode.
Ash wasn't sad over his Pokémon's death. He was only training it so he could screw over the first three gyms by using a sleep powder wielding Butterfree. And Viridian forest wasn't far away so he could find another one to hold captive.
"Charmander! Use Flamethrower!" Ash launched another Pokéball and Charmander popped out. Charmander launched a raging inferno at Inigo, the moustached, phrase repeating sword bearer. Engulfing him in Flames. However the flames quickly dispersed, even though Inigo had used a lot of hairspray that morning. Some embers had inadvertently set Fezzik's shirt on fire and turned Fezzik into a Blazing Inpachi. Inigo, however, was surprisingly unscathed form the fiery attack, bar one detail.
His moustache had been burnt off.
"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my moustache. PREPARE TO DIE!"
While Fezzik was running around flailing his arms in a feeble attempt to put out the flames, Inigo launched at Charmander and stabbed violently at the poor reptile with his sword until it was a pile of blood, guts and impossibly orange flesh. Charmander was dead. This was not looking good for Ash. Four more Pokémon and he would white out and lose his money.
"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my moustache. PREPARE TO DIE!"
Suddenly, in Fezzik's flaming panic, he had stumbled into a petrol station.
The resulting explosion could be heard for miles. The crater, which was left over from the destruction, can now be seen on Google Earth. On the bright side, it distracted the now watching crowd from Ash's shortcomings.
"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my moustache. PREPARE TO DIE!"
Ash was running out of options now. Two more Pokémon and he would have to use HM slaves. In desperation he launched a Pokéball containing a Snorlax. Affectionately nicknamed "Gabe"
"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my moustache. PREPARE TO DIE!"
The hulking monstrosity made the now cremated Fezzik look positively anorexic. However it wasn't used to standing up for any period of time, let alone walking, and it collapsed under its own gargantuan mass. Crushing Inigo Montoya with ease. Ash had become accustomed to the sound of bones being crushed and muffled screams. He was, a Pokémon trainer, after all. Ash recalled Snorlax to his tiny, red and white prison to see the damage. It wasn't pretty. Ash made a mental note to use the car crusher next time. Regardless, he thought he had done a favour to anyone involved by stopping that phrase from being repeated. It did start to get a bit grating.
The only person left was Mr. hair loss. Who looked on in a stunned disbelief. Ash took some offence. He didn't think he was that tiny. The balding man regained his composure and grabbed a Pokéball from his pocket. Up until then Ash just thought he was just glad to see him. "You fell victim to one of the classic blunders!" The slightly crazy, nameless man proclaimed. "The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia"" Ash sighed. He knew he was stalling. "But only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against a Sicilian when Pokémon is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Go! Pikachu!" Ash yelled at the top of his lungs. Ash always bet on his trusty companion. Suddenly the Skarmory, which had sat patiently on Ash's shoulder in place of Pikachu through this whole mess, waiting for its moment to pounce, broke free from the rucksack strap and flew at the anonymous man. Spearing him through the chest with its steely beak and mauling him to death. Ash looked on in disbelief because he had never seen anything like this before. The crowd looked on because he was still missing his pants.
Ash got $500 for winning.
"Pikachu…" Ash looked shocked at his companion.
"You've evolved."