Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, it belongs to the late, great Gene Roddenberry and to Paramount. The title for this FanFiction belongs to a Monty Pythons short by the same name, I have ahem borrowed it for my own personal pleasure. All the other characters are MINE! The names have been recycled from other stories that I have written (because A. I hate writing names and B. I really like these), though the characters bear no resemblance to their doppelgangers in said stories.
A/N: This is written in a first person point of view, but, as I needed to explain things that are going on outside of that person's experiences, all things in Bold are in Third Person and are going on unbeknownst to the Protagonist. Thoughts, as usual, are in Italics. Also, I have no clue where the thousands of star bases are, so I am randomly assigning numbers to them. If that offends you and you feel the need to correct me, feel free, but frankly, if you know that much about StarTrek, you need to get out more. Now, enough with the notes, on to the story.
Prologue
"What do you mean you can't find him?"
"What I said, Bones, Star base Six has no record of him arriving. He's overdue, and we can't find him."
"So, you're just going to sit here and not make any…"
"DOCTOR! You are dangerously close to insubordination. Don't you think that I want to go find him? Starfleet has given me strict orders to patrol this section of the Neutral Zone and I can NOT leave. The Enterprise has to stay here."
"And Starfleet is just willing to leave him out there? Star Base Six is ON the damn Neutral Zone, what if the Romulans got him?"
"I don't know, Bones. If I could, I would go find him in a heartbeat, but…"
"So that's it?"
"Yes, for now, at least. We have to stay here."
"Spock's gone…"
Chapter 1
I Hate Mondays
The first thought that popped into my head was that I was going to strangle Kor as soon as I got onto the bridge. And seeming how Kor was a bloody Klingon, you could imagine how bloody mad I was. I only get about four to five hours of sleep on this ship and having them interrupted by an over imaginative junior officer makes me want to commit homicide. Still, I have to answer that bloody com.
"Yeah?"
"Major, sorry to interrupt you, but, well…"
"Spit it out, Kor."
"We've picked up a blip on long range scanners."
"If you woke me up to tell me that you have an asteroid…"
"No, major, it's not that. The computer has ID'ed it as a Star Fleet shuttle." That got my interest. "And long range sensors also indicate that there may be a Romulan War Bird heading towards it." That really woke me up. Night fights were always fun, yeah, right. So maybe I won't strangle him…this time.
"Alright, I'll be up in a minute. Rouse the bridge staff, and have Carpenter on standby, Keath out." I rolled out of bed, threw on some clothes, shoved on my boots and grabbed a cup of coffee while I headed out the door. I had half finished my coffee when I practically slammed into Gunner. The young man looked like he was still asleep and only mumbled a "Mornin', Major" as we both entered the turbo shaft. The doors were closing as Pilot slipped in. She, at least, looked half-awake. She bobbed a salutation in my direction while elbowing her brother back into consciousness. Gunner gave a grunt of protest at the abuse and leaned against the wall, still trying to sleep. I laughed to myself. These two were the best helm crew I had ever encountered and they were constantly bickering, picking, hitting, and competing with each other, but if you ever threaten one you get destroyed by both. Pilot and Gunner displayed the epitome of sibling rivalry, which was uproariously funny to the crew. And I wouldn't have them any other way.
The doors opened to bridge, I strode out with the siblings behind me. The bridge was filled with a group of people who looked like they would rather be curled up in their various beds than sitting here ready to engage a War Bird. Not that I was worried, my guys always woke up when the time came. The bridge was split-level; helm, weapons, communications, and scanners were on the lower half while engineering and tech stations were on the upper. My chair was on the lower, in the middle, where I could be in the action.
"Right, what's the layout?"
Kor, at scanners, answered, "The Romulan War Bird is approximately two trillion leagues away and closing fast, speed estimated at warp three. The shuttle is approximately one and a half million leagues, status is dead. Scanners report that the War Bird is unaware of our presence."
"Life on the shuttle?"
"Yes, Major. One life count, faint readings, though." I sighed; this wasn't worth getting the bridge crew up for. The layout was almost too much in our favor.
"Pilot, fix on that shuttle, put us in right next to it and get a tractor beam locked on. Then get us the hell out of here as fast as you can without losing the shuttle." Pilot moved almost faster than I could order. She appeared to already know what I wanted, I smiled. Best in the world. I could feel my ship jump in and out and in a few seconds we were back where we started, plus one shuttle.
"Kor, any sight of that Romulan on our tail?" There was a pause.
"No, Major, nothing. I don't think they even knew that the shuttle was there."
"Good," I paused as the turbo doors opened and adressed the occupant. "Duo, you're late." My chief of engineering grinned sheepishly.
"Sorry, boss, had to find a shirt, laundry didn't return mine."
"Well, you can go back, there's not much left to do up here."
"Thanks," he turned to go back to his room and got hit in the head by my well-placed coffee cup.
"You ever show up late on my bridge again and I'll have your hide," my growl became a grin. "Got that, imp?"
"Sure thing, boss, whatever you say." Duo scooted off the bridge before I could throw anything else at him. Gunner, now more awake than before, was shaking in silent laughter.
"You find something funny, Mister?"
"Yeah." He said between snickering. "You're cup still had coffee in it, and now it's all down Duo's back." I smiled to myself; I already knew that. I stood up.
"Alright, people, pack it up. Pilot steer that shuttle into bay one and set 'er down gently."
"Will do." She turned back to her panel.
"Com, tell the good doctor that I would like to see him in bay one." Hannah, my very pretty communications officer, nodded her head in acknowledgement and sent out my order.
I had now committed myself to the fact that I was not going to get any sleep this night watch, and so I decided to pester my good doctor with my presence and persistent questioning. Doctor John Carpenter, the ship's CMO was the only person on my vessel who had any professional training. Why he decided to throw in with our motley lot was beyond me, but I enjoyed his company, and he saved more members of my crew than I could comprehend. He was an excellent surgeon, quiet and dedicated to the healing arts, and one of the few men that I trust with my life. He was, at this moment, standing in the midst of about twelve armed guards in the middle of bay one, near the shuttle. When I walked up, the guards quietly stepped backwards, giving the doctor and me some talking room.
"Keath, I don't like the fact that all these goons are here when there's…"
"I know, Doc, I know. It bites, you hate it, I'm sorry, that's just how things are done here. Look, if it makes you feel any better I'll make them back off, 'kay?" The doctor begrudgingly gave his consent, not that I needed it, and I shooed the "goons" away from the shuttle. A technician, I think his name is Bobby, cautiously walked over.
"Major, should I, I mean, do you want…me to…open the…"
"Shuttle up? Yes please do." What was it with younger officers and getting tongue tied around me? I didn't get it. Bobby walked over to the side of the shuttle and carefully loosened the control panel. He quickly crossed some circuits and, in essence, hot-wired the door open. The top and bottom separated to allow us inside the craft. Carpenter dashed in as soon as he could fit through the opening, took one look at the single occupant and hollered "GET ME A STRETCHER, NOW!" Two of the guards grabbed a stretcher from the side of the wall (they were strategically placed all over the ship) and brought it to the door for the doctor to use.
"Keath, can you help me get him out?" I climbed in looked down at the prone form at my feet. The occupant of the shuttle had been thrown from his command seat by some hell of a force. He was either Romulan or Vulcan by his appearance, the StarFleet uniform, however, suggested the fact that he was the latter. Green bruises and blood covered the half of his face that I could see, and it had spilled over a great deal of the floor. I stooped to pick him up by his shoulders when Carpenter halted me.
"Watch it! I think his right shoulder is dislocated, here you take his feet, I'll carry his torso." We exchanged places, carefully, I had no desire to hurt the Vulcan further or slip on his blood. I gently grabbed his feet and positioned myself to lift him as soon as Carpenter gave me the word. "Right, on three. One, Two, Lift." We elevated the Vulcan and carried him gently to the stretcher where the guards took his weight.
"Get him to sickbay on the double." Carpenter went back inside the shuttle and began to take samples of the blood that was on the floor.
"Doc? What are you doing?" I asked, almost skeptically. You have the patient why do you need his blood too?
"Gotta take blood samples if I'm gonna replicate it properly." He answered coming out. "That kid lost about four to five pints of the stuff and if I don't get some back into him soon, we could lose him." He moved to go. "I'll give you an update on his status as soon as I know it." How could he always answer my questions before I ask them?
The bay was now teeming with life; guards, techs, and a couple of people from engineering were standing quietly around the perimeter of the room. Guess I gotta give 'em something to do…
"Alright, people, listen up. First, I want two people from security with that Vulcan at all times, and if the good doctor gives you hell about it tell him he can yell at me later. Techs, we what you can get me from the computer, the logs, engines, and anything else. I want to know where this shuttle came from, where it's headed, and why it looks like someone shot the crap out of it. The rest of you can keep an eye on things going on down here. Report to Duo or the bridge if you find anything. Got it? Good." I walked out of the bay and wandered around the ship. My ship. I loved her when most everyone was asleep, so quiet and peaceful. I yawned. The initial adrenaline from two hours ago had finally worn off. I had barely made it back to bed when I fell asleep.