Hum… It was one of those days that I was really depressed that Merthur isn't exactly canon, so I wrote this to sort vent out my feelings… May contain Spoilers for season 4
Disclaimer: I, sadly, do not own Merlin. If I did Merthur would be canon.
Long Live the Queen he had shouted. Long Live the Queen of Camelot he yelled. May Arthur be forever happy with Guinevere by his side, ruling the great kingdom that the man was creating; that was what he truly wished, that was the only thing that mattered.
It was hard to ignore the glow of happiness in his King's eyes as he took his beloved's hands and proclaimed her his wife. It was impossible for Merlin to pretend that he did not see the pure love and devotion radiating from his King's aura. Arthur loved Guinevere above all else, and that day, the day Camelot gained its new mother, Merlin retired to his room and cried until no tears could escape his eyes.
Love is not meant to hurt. Love, even if unrequired, is not meant to feel as if different swords are being thrust upon one's heart again and again and again. It is not meant to cause one so much pain that he would search for a spell that could numb his soul for an eternity. The agonizing pain that expanded in his chest, causing his throat to clog with despair and his blue eyes to sting was consuming his whole being. No, love was not supposed to feel this way.
But he should been prepared. He knew this day would come. Arthur was meant to marry a woman, produce heirs, and live a long and happy life. That was what Merlin promised himself; that's what he swore he would do; he would guarantee Arthur had a great and blessed future that would leave other Kings flooded with envy. Yet the day arrived, too soon in his opinion, and now he cannot help but mourn over what he has lost.
It never really mattered that Arthur did not know of the things he did. It hurt, but it didn't matter. And it never mattered that Arthur may come to despise him if he ever found out about his magic; again, just because an idea was painful, it did not make it important. Neither was it important that he was only the clumsy manservant in Arthur's eyes, instead of the powerful warlock that laid his life on the line numerous times just to keep him safe. Since the day he arrived in Camelot Merlin's entire being had been dedicated to keep Arthur safe and happy.
Arthur's safety and happiness was all that mattered. Everything else, including Merlin himself, was trivial.
Merlin knew he would be willing to do anything for Arthur. If Arthur wanted him to kill children for the good of Camelot, Merlin would do it. If Arthur found out about Merlin's magic and banished him from Camelot, Merlin would protect him while remaining unseen. If all the deeds Merlin had done for his King, if all the suffering he went through while living in Camelot, were to be ignored so Arthur could have a brighter future, Merlin would gladly slip into the shadows and allow history to forget him. Anything and everything for Arthur.
And yet it hurt. It hurt and tore his soul to think that now any chance he ever had on winning his King's heart was gone. Guinevere had come and stole the only thing Merlin allowed himself to fantasize about. It was foolish, really, to dare to hope that maybe Arthur would come to love him back, even if said love was but a fraction of what Merlin felt for him. Merlin had told himself long ago that he did not expect anything out of his services; that he would be happy as long as Arthur was happy. Yet when they kissed and everyone shouted Long Live the Queen Merlin realized that a small part of him had dared to hope.
And now here he found himself, curled up in his blankets, trying his best not to wake Gaius with his cries of agony while Arthur and Gwen enjoyed their first night as husband and wife.
Part of Merlin fears the future. Will Arthur see him the same way, now that he has a Queen by his side? Will he still be the King's sole confidant, the one he comes to for advice or for comfort? Would he still be as important to Arthur now that Guinevere was by his side night and day? A small part of Merlin, a selfish part of him, did not want the King and Queen to have a love that would be told in legends; he wanted to still be the person who Arthur would come to help, no matter if his heart belonged to someone else. But another part of him, the part of him that had long relinquished his identity as Merlin and became Arthur's protector, said that it didn't matter. It didn't matter what Arthur felt for him; it didn't matter what Arthur thought of him, or if he ever talked to Merlin again. None of that mattered, as long as Merlin could keep doing his job until the day he died.
Because all that mattered was Arthur's happiness and safety.
I really need to stop abusing semicolons.