Sam and Diane walked into Cheers, arguing, as you know they often do!
"Sam Malone, this may be the stupidest, lunkheaded, dumbfooleriest thing you have done!" said Diane, who was cross, as usual!
"Well thanks for your support!" Sam would never understand women, with their emotions!
"What's going on Sammy?" said Carla
"Sam has decided to risk this bar, and all our jobs, for the sake of a ridiculous bet."
"Who asked you, stick insect? Is this true Sammy?"
"No! There's no risk! We're going to win!" protested Sam.
"What's the bet, Sam?" sighed Carla, who was used to these sort of antics but was concerned about her 17 children as you know all Italian Americans have.
"Sam bet Gary from Gary's Olde Towne Tavern that Cheers could book a bigger star for our Thanksgiving party, that is a thing that pubs in America definitely have, no-one look that up." explained Diane.
"It's no problem, I still know some people from when I was a baseball star." said Sam, braggardedly.
The door burst open and Norm from Cheers walked in. "NORM FROM CHEERS!" shouted everyone, because it was their friend Norm, from Cheers.
"How is it going, Norm?" said the stupid barman, Woody.
"It is going in my mouth, where it is a beer!" said Norm, "Oh, also, what is this I hear about Katy Perry playing Gary's Olde Towne Tavern's New Years Ever party?"
Everyone looked at Sam aghast, and there was an advertising break. The adverts were for butter, Wall's sausages and Tango.
Meanwhile across town, Taylor Swift had reached her giddy limit. She was in Boston to promote her brilliant new album 1989, but she had just been thrown out of her hotel. Poor little Olivia Benson had eaten a mouldy fish finger and had pooped all over the bed, and the hotel management had not been very understanding, asking Taylor Swift and Olivia Benson to leave immediately.
To make matters worse all her entourage were stuck in a coach on a highway (as they call motorways in America) because a lorry full of beans had fallen over. Taylor Swift was all alone in a strange city. She just wanted to go somewhere where everybody knew her name. If only there was somewhere like that. Where Everybody Knew Her Name.
Taylor Swift (who is 5 foot 10 inches tall) decided to get a nice drink of wine- she spotted a sign for a bar and walked down the stairs to it.
It was the bar Cheers that I was writing about earlier, and everyone was still looking aghast at Sam, but as Taylor Swift walked in Sam forgot about his problems entirely for you know that he likes beautiful women! Oh, Sam!
"Hello," said Taylor Swift, "Can I have some wine?"
"Woody!" shouted Sam, "A glass of delicious wine for the beautiful lady!"
"Is that a cat?" said Carla, eyeing Olivia Benson, suspiciously.
"Oh. A cat. Oh, I'm sorry miss, but we don't allow cats in Cheers!" said Sam, annoyed that he had made that rule for some reason.
"Good call Sam" said Cliff, "Little known fact: cats are the most dangerous animal in the world."
"Aren't postal workers meant to hate dogs?" said Norm
"You should see the cat on my route! Cat... more like a lion!" Ha ha ha oh Cliff.
"Yeah I'm real sorry miss but maybe if you could leave the cat somewhere and come back you could have that glass of wine?" explained Sam
"Oh, forget it" said Taylor Swift, who even though she isn't all arrogant like you might think a celebrity would be had to be honest had enough of this kerfuffle and was a bit creeped out by Sam having a gnarled old man's face even though the rest of him didn't look that old. She turned on her fashionable heel and walked out.
"So where are we going to find a top celebrity performer for the Thanksgiving party?" said Diane, reminding everyone of their problems and really bringing the mood down. Thanks Diane!
Just then, Frasier walked in.
"Evening all - gosh, was that the popular singer Taylor Swift in *CHEERS*?"
"Yeah yeah, Taylor Swift comes to Boston bars" said Sam, sarcastically.
"No, I'm serious Sam. I recognise her for my horrible wife, Lilith wrote a paper about how the Shake It Off video is culturally appropriative, although to be honest I'm not sure Lilith really even understood the premise of the Shake It Off video and might be basing her opinion off a couple of still images that do, in fairness, look a bit dodgy out of context."
"You're telling me that we had Taylor Swift, a much bigger and better star than Katy Perry will ever be, in this bar, and Sam threw her out?" Carla didn't know whether to laugh or cry because it was quite funny but soon she might have no job and her kids would starve.
Sam was so upset that he considered having a swig of the demon drink even though he had been sober for years because remember Cheers isn't afraid to deal with real issues.
But just then Taylor Swift came back in.
"What if I pretended Olivia Benson was an emotional support animal? I reckon the writer of this read about that once and even though he's not sure if using this to resolve the plot of ironic fanfiction is offensive or not on balance at this point he's probably testing the patience of the reading audience."
"Yeah, that'd probably work" said Sam.
"Great, well pour out that wine and let's plan your Thanksgiving spectacular!" said Taylor Swift, who had been keeping track of events because she followed Harry the Hat on Twitter, I expect.
Taylor Swift sat down at the piano and started to sing:
#Making your out of the woods today#
#Takes every you got#
#Taking a break from all your worries#
#Trying to shake it off#
And so on