I do not own any of the characters in this piece. This fic is set not long after "In Father's Footsteps." This is a dark piece that may not be for everyone. I do not know if this is the kind of thing someone would enjoy reading but hopefully this part and all subsequent parts will provide you with something new to think about.

Lucas Wolenczak sat on Tony's bunk with his computer in his lap. He glanced at the clock and bit his lip. He had been sitting there for almost an hour and now his shift was due to start in twenty minutes. Time was running out and he had to get this last thing done. After working all week writing everything out, he would have thought that this final piece would have been easy but it was not. He did not seem to know where to start. There was so much he wished to say but words were so meaningless. He owed them an explanation though. It was the least he could do for them for what he was about to put all of them through. In a way he was being selfish; a coward. With trembling hands he started to type:

I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt everyone but there isn't any other way. I can't do this anymore. There's nothing left of me. It's all gone. I've been running on empty for a long time and there's just nothing left. I don't know who I am anymore. I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left. Everything had changed and I couldn't change fast enough to catch up. Everyday was a new onslaught of changes. More people dying or leaving. New enemies that I didn't understand. Old friends that had become strangers.

I thought that becoming an ensign would help. At least I would still be on seaQuest with my friends. I was wrong though. I began to be alienated from everyone and I know it's my fault. I was such a jerk sometimes especially to Tony. I tried to act like a good officer but I don't know how. Everything I did was a failure. Trying to impress Captain Hudson only made things worse. I tried to act like an adult but I screwed that up too. I can't believe any of you stuck around as long as you did.

I can't leave seaQuest. She's the only home I've ever known. He won't keep me here much longer though. I've screwed up way too many times. I can't believe he kept me here after I pulled a gun on him and I know the next mistake will be my last. I'll be gone for sure then. I can't let that happen but I know it is just a matter of time. There's a way I can be here forever though. I'll never have to leave. I'll never cry myself to sleep again or lie in bed wishing I had tears left so that maybe I could ease the ache in my chest.

I don't have many regrets. Just two. I'm sorry that I'm going to hurt all of you. You deserve better. You've always deserved better than me. I'm sorry I wasn't better. I wish that my death could have been more like Brody's death. I've been worthless and in the way all of my life. It would have been nice for my death to have meant something. I can't wait on the slight chance that I might get killed before I'm kicked off. No, it has to be now.

I just wanted to explain why. I didn't want you to sit there wondering and maybe blaming yourselves. It's no one's fault but mine. Please believe me when I say it's better this way. I wrote everyone letters saying goodbye. You should be receiving them in a few minutes. I'm sorry for all of this. Tell the Captain that I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disobey orders but I had to try and save my father. He loved me. I had to try. I'm sorry.

Please forgive me. Goodbye.

Lucas stared at the words on the screen. They did not seem adequate. It was too jumbled. He was out of time though and they would have to do. Soon someone would be missing him on the bridge and he could not have them interrupting him. He set the timer that would deliver his e-mails in ten minutes. The final steps to his death had begun. The void that had enveloped him and shielded him from the pain of everyday life was giving away to a rare feeling of peace. He was going to die soon. Suddenly, nothing could hurt him anymore. It would all be over soon and Lucas felt nothing but relief. He stood then brushing the stray tears, that had fallen while he was writing the suicide note, from his face.

Reaching into one of his drawers, he pulled out an antique revolver that he had bought on their last shore leave. He had planned to give it to Tony for his birthday but now he had use for it. Checking to see that it was loaded, he removed the saftey. He slowly raised the gun so that it was pressed into his temple and froze horrified. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have been so blind? He could not kill himself here. He could not do that to Tony. He did not want him to have to come into his room every night an think: 'This is where Lucas did it.' He could not do that to any of his friends. He would just have to find somewhere that none of them went. Somewhere nearby so that he could get there before Hudson sent someone from the bridge looking for him. Thinking for a minute, he dropped the gun into his pocket and slipped out into the corridor.

On the bridge, Captain Hudson was just noticing that his science officer was missing. Although he was still angry at the boy over the whole incident with his father, he knew Wolenczak was having a tough time and had resolved to go a little easier on him. He was ready to excuse a little tardiness but when the clock reached five minutes Hudson felt his patience break.

"Where's Wolenczak?" he growled to the crew. They all looked around confused, just realizing that he was not there.

"Perhaps he is running a little late, sir," began Commander Ford seeking to pacify the Captain.

"Raise his PAL," Hudson ordered O'Neill who swallowed nervously and hurriedly began pushing the correct buttons.

Lucas was standing in the middle of a supply room when his PAL beeped. He paused to consider it for a moment then cut it on.

"Ensign Wolenczak," he answered roughly.

"Ensign, I suggest you get yourself to the bridge immediately and you had better have a good excuse for being late." The Captain's angry voice growled out through the small machine.

"I can't, sir," replied Lucas raising the gun to his temple again.

"What do you mean you can't?!" barked Hudson infuriated. The rest of the crew exchanged worried glances.

"I'm sorry, sir," whispered Lucas half sobbing. "I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so sorry."

The loud crack of a single gun shot silenced the bridge.