I'd always known that I was different, that I was strange. I never knew that someone would actually tell me it straight to my face in such a way that I was just told, so coldly, and emotionlessly. A man, whom I had never met, essentially told me that I was crazy. Then, I was left in a cold room. I couldn't help but feel as if being in this room was a way of being rejected by society. I was alone.
I heard the door creek open. Adam slowly walked through the doorway, and looked at me.
"Hey," he said.
"Hey," I replied, as he came towards me.
"Clare's worried about you," he told me, monotone.
"I know," I didn't want to talk about Clare. Not like that. I didn't want to talk about how I don't want to see her. I didn't want to talk about how worried or upset she was. I did't want to be hurt more than I was. If there was one thing that I hated the most about this whole thing was that I wasn't allowing my self to see Clare. It wasn't about me; it was about her.
"Why don't you want her to know about this?" he asked me.
"I'm afraid that… she will look at me differently if she find out. I don't want this to scare her off." Adam placed his hand on my shoulder.
"It won't scare her off, I promise you that," he told me, I knew that it was probably true, but for some reason I couldn't allow myself to admit it to myself. It was like there was this block in my mind that refused to let optimism through.
"Eli," he continued, "she's stuck with you through so much, why would she leave you just because of this?"
"Hoarding is a lot different than this," I said.
"Are you sure you don't want to see her?"
"Yeah, I'm sure," I said, but I lied. I wanted to see Clare more than anything. I wanted her to hug me, and tell me I was going to be fine. I wanted to hear her sweet voice telling me that she loved me. I wanted to look in her gorgeous blue eyes and see all the passion and truth floating inside them.
"So, how long are you gonna be in here?" Adam asked. I was glad he decided changed the subject.
"A few more days, I think, I'm not completely sure. It's up to the doctors and how they think I'm 'progressing'." The door creeks open, and I see Clare, slowly and gracefully walk through the door. I immediately turned my head and looked out the window, to avoid looking at her.
"Did you bring her here?" I asked, refusing to release my gaze at the window.
"I thought you would change your mind," he admitted.
"Get her out of here," I said, but regretted it even before I had said them, but I couldn't stand her seeing me like this. I didn't want to see worry in her eyes, nor did I want to see the pain painted across her face.
"Eli, please," she said softly. As I heard the hurt in her voice, and my heart shattered.
"Please, Clare, just leave." I swallowed hard, and tried to focus on my breathing, but all I could think about was how I was hurting Clare.
"Okay then," she said, clearly upset, before exiting the room. I finally turned my head and stared blankly at the plain ceiling.
"I don't understand why you think that she wouldn't be able to handle this," Adam said.
"I know she can handle it," I admit, with a sigh, "but I just don't think she deserves to, nor will she want to."
"Eli, she loves you, she won't give up on you," he told me, kind of annoyed with having this same conversation with me again, paused then said, "I have to go. Feel better." He sighed, and left the room.
*Two Days Later*
I don't know when I fell asleep, but I remember waking up around 2 in the afternoon to the feeling of someone sitting on the bed next to me. All I saw were the strawberry blond curls, and I knew if was Clare. She looked at me, and realized I was awake.
"Please don't kick me out," she pleaded. I didn't know what to say, I just knew that I wanted to avoid eye contact, I wanted to avoid looking at her for that matter. "Please, Eli, talk to me," she pleaded. Again, I didn't respond.
"I already know what's wrong, so just stop pushing me away." Her voice was soft and calming.
After a long pause I said, "Who told you?" still refusing to look her in the eyes. I took slow, deep breaths as Clare spoke.
"The doctor. I said I was your cousin," she paused, "Why didn't you want me to know?"
I stayed quiet, but sat up straight in order to get more comfortable.
"Eli, I understand that you are scared, or confused, or feeling whatever you are feeling, but you need to let me in," she told me. I still didn't know how to respond. I wanted to say something, I truly did, but I didn't know what to say, or how to find the words to say anything. "Please?"
"I'm crazy," I said, barely audible.
"No, Eli, you're not," she says softly, taking my hand in hers, and squeezing it softly.
"Then why am I here?" I ask, quietly. I finally looked at her. There was concern coating her face. Love and truth filled her beautiful blue eyes, while worry tried to escape her in the form of tears, accumulating in her eyes, but refusing to fall. My vision began to go blurry, as her soft, angelic voice spoke to me.
"Because you need to understand that just because you are bipolar, doesn't mean you are crazy."
"I'm crazy," I repeat, looking away from her once again. I bite my lower lip, as I tried to hold back the tears from slipping out of my eyes.
"No, you're not." My efforts to try not to let any tears fall failed then. A few tears fell, and I felt Clare pull my body towards hers, enclosing me in her warm embrace.
"Clare-" I was unable to finish the sentence, because the girl that I loved interrupted me as I spoke.
"Shut up," she whispered, "And just let me hold you, and tell you that everything is going to be okay." I let tears fall freely. The more tears fell, the tighter we held each other.
"It's okay, Eli," she spoke, "I'm not going anywhere." I continued to hold her, my emotions continuing to release themselves.
"I'm right here, Eli," she said after a few minutes, "I love you."
All the pain, and hurt that I had bottled up the past week, from the diagnosis, to hiding from Clare, to just not having Clare by my side, was finally being released, and I couldn't stop it, I didn't know if I wanted to stop. Despite how crappy I felt at that moment, I couldn't tell you how amazing it felt having Clare's arms around me. I felt so right. There was a warmth growing within my body. I felt so comfortable, despite the fact that we were on a mattress that was old and worn. And our bodies fit together like two long lost puzzle pieces. Her whispering voice flooded my mind, and repeated in my ears long after she spoke them. I felt so… safe… and at peace.
She took her hand from my mid-back, to the back of my head, holding it to her shoulder. She ran her fingers through the back of my hair a few times. Her other hand, lay on my shoulder blade, as her thumb caressed it gently. She planted a soft kiss on my shoulder, about an inch above my collarbone. That was the moment. That moment, of her holding me close, and pressing her smooth lips, softly and sweetly against my shoulder. It was that moment, that very moment, that I knew that I would spend the rest of my life with Clare. Before, I wanted and hoped to, but from that moment on, I knew.