Artemis Fowl and the Bagel
Artemis Fowl, amazing criminal genius that he was, was staring incredulously at the title of this story.
"Holly," he asked "why is the title all funny?"
"Oh that was eloquent" Holly remarked "but what, pray, is 'all funny' about it?"
"Its just ridiculous, I mean, a bagel?"
"I like bagels!" the elf protested.
"Don't let Root hear you saying that" Artemis advised "he'll come and bash you in the head."
"Oh don't worry" Holly assured him brightly "he's dead!"
Just then Root came running along, his face purple like a….very purple thing, anyway he promptly proceeded to bash her in the head. Holly fell to the floor and transformed into a flying-fish fairy. The purple-faced commander turned to Artemis preparing to bash him too; however Butler stepped out of the bagel shop cracking his knuckles menacingly. Artemis quietly sidled away, noticing in-passing Ren in his new job - making holes in the bagels with his pointy hair.
Then a strange bunch of random chavs appeared up, with their evil hoodies, and attempted to shoot Norrie with a BB gun.
"Aaaaahhhhh!!!" yelled the beleaguered Commodore, attempting to protect himself with a plastic Christmas tree.
"Hahahahaha!!" an overly enthusiastic American man ran along and shot the chavs in the kneecaps.
"You saved me," remarked Norrington, stating the obvious "here have some cheese."
The American looked wonderingly at the shiny block of cheese, then Jack Sparrow shot it out of his hand with a remarkably mellow-looking pistol.
"Noooooooooo!" the American man fell on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. Amidst all the confusion Norrington started to steal Jack's ship 'the Black Pearl'.
"hey…" he whined "why are you stealing my Rum?! And my ship" he added as an afterthought.
"Everyone else did," Norrington protested "why cant I?"
"Oh okay! But can I come too?" he added, looking worriedly over his shoulder at the horde of cheese-crazed Americans.
"Fine…" the Commodore relented.
As they sailed away, the Americans were distracted by terrorists smuggling bombs into the country in golf balls.
Meanwhile somewhere far away, Chazz kicked Will Turner's heart-in-a-box.
"Owwwww!" Will yelled "I'm having a heart-attack!"
Iron Maiden Jeanne looked at him dubiously.
"I thought you were supposed to be helping me put up my Ikea garden furniture" she said, not noticing him twitching on the floor. Then Marco burst in, wearing his customary short-shorts, and blasted the furniture to atoms.
"Marco!" Jeanne exclaimed "why did you do that?"
"They are servants of Zeke/Hao!" Marco explained whilst posing like a power ranger.
"Don't speak with slashes" Jeanne said while kicking Marco upside in the head. His anguished cries reached all the way to the Caribbean mingling with Jacks screams,
"Aaaaahhhhh! It's the kraken" he yelled hysterically.
"Jack," Norrington said monotonously "that's just Davey's house…"
"Oh!" Jack brightened and continued singing, "And a bottle o' Rum!"