Mario's Date
It was a day just like any other day in the Mushroom Kingdom; a nice bright sunny day. The grass was green, the air was fresh, and the weather was just the perfect temperature to go out and explore. Luigi was taking advantage of the lovely day by staying inside and using Mario's computer to surf the webernet. He was on one of his favorite sites called Jackhammer Bros, oblivious to the fact that it was an adult oriented website primarily for Koopas who were attracted to other Koopas. He was in the middle of one of the daily new videos when Mario barged in.
"Luigi, I told you to unsubscribe to that site! It's wasting money!" Mario said, taking immediate notice of Luigi's video, which depicted a hammer being used in a very unconventional, and somewhat erotic way.
"But Mario, these guys make these videos every day. They're really funny!" Luigi was still unaware of what was actually transpiring on the screen in front of him.
"Luigi, despite what I've been telling you all these years, you're not gay. Now come on, we gotta go get the Princess from Bowser again." Luigi hopped off his chair pausing his video to watch later, and joined Mario.
"So what happened to the princess this time?" Luigi said as him and Mario packed and got prepared for their journey.
"I dunno, she probably decided to sneak over there to give Bowser a blowie again or something."
"Doesn't it bother you that Princess Peach sucks Bowser's dick, Mario?" Luigi inquired.
"Not anymore, she can do what she wants. I'm not really interested in her at this point. I'm just rescuing her to impress Rosalina."
"Rosalina?" Luigi was surprised to hear about his brother's new interest, "Why do you like her?"
"Come on, I'll explain it on the way."
So Mario and Luigi started journeying across the land towards Bowser's castle, continuing their conversation between pipe-warping and Goomba-stomping.
"You see Luigi, It's like a bottle of coke. Have you ever had a bottle of coke before?"
"Uh, yeah..." Luigi responded confusedly, "A few times."
"Well you know the small flap of the bottle? Compare that with a big vast communal bowl of soup. Now, a bottle of coke is nice, sweet, and will never leave you for anyone else. A bowl of soup on the other hand, will just go around and have sex with whoever it feels like; Wario, Bowser, I think even Yoshi once!"
Luigi began wondering what kind of soup Mario eats, but continued listening to his analogy while collecting a handful of coins.
"Now when the soup keeps sleeping around so much, you don't wanna eat that soup very much anymore, because when you need the soup she might be too busy giving Waluigi a handjob to be there for you, AND if a lot of people keep sharing the soup, eventually the soup might get contaminated with diseases. So instead of risking getting herpes from the soup, I'd much rather just open up a nice sweet bottle of coke."
At this point Luigi had stopped moving and just stood there completely dumbfounded at Mario's story. He looked at Mario silently and blinked twice.
"The point is, Peach is like the soup, and Rosalina is like the bottle of coke... and that's why I like Rosalina now."
Luigi stood there for a few moments in utter confusion. Mario grabbed him by the overall strap and they continued their journey. Eventually they made it to Bowser's castle, defeated him, and saved the Princess. Overall the process was about as predictable and boring as New Super Mario Bros. 2. Mario and Luigi escorted Peach back to her castle, and Mario reminded her to tag him in her Facebook post that she was to write to thank them for the rescue. He hoped that Rosalina would see the post and be impressed by Mario's daring adventure.
Several hours later, Mario was sitting in the den, eyes glued to the telephone. Luigi walked in and stared at his brother.
"Mario? What are you doing?"
"I don't understand... why hasn't she called me yet?"
"Mario, Maybe you're going about this wrong. If you want a relationship, why don't you talk to her? Maybe take her on a date?"
"NO!" Mario shouted sternly, "That's not how it works! I rescue Peach, and Rosalina calls me to congratulate me! Those are the rules! You don't break the rules!"
"Okay, Mario, if you insist." Luigi walked away to go watch more of his videos.
And so Mario stayed there for several days, not moving from that spot. By the next time Luigi saw him, he had grown substantial stubble on his face (along with his already established mustache), and he had accumulated some dust all over his clothes.
"Still waiting I see." Luigi said as he passed by.
"Luigi, hang on..." Mario said, still statued in the same position, "I've been here for three days... and still haven't gotten a call from her. Maybe you're right this time, Luigi. Maybe it's time I take your advice."
"Mario, I promise you, you've picked the right time to take my advice. I'm dating Daisy, remember? I know about this kind of stuff!"
And so Mario spent most of the evening getting ready to go ask Rosalina out, with Luigi helping every step of the way. He replaced his overalls with a nicely laundered semi-formal blazer and some khaki pants and his plain red shirt with a fancy Burgundy button-up with the top button unbuttoned for a little flair. He kept his hat on his head, partially because it still went well with his outfit, and partially because he felt insecure without it. Luigi let Mario borrow his special lube to manually prevent any unintentional hormonal reaction later.
While Mario was in the bathroom for several minutes Luigi changed into a silver tuxedo with a lime green tie. The brothers both looked very classy (although Mario wasn't sure why Luigi dressed up as well), and they made their way out the door. They took a launch star to the small planetoid that Rosalina's house/observatory dome was built on. Mario was lucky he wore his hat because the force of the launch star warp certainly would have messed his hair up. Luigi walked a very nervous Mario up the walkway to Rosalina's front door, giving him some final preparations.
"Okay Mario, when she answers the door, what are you gonna say?" Luigi quizzed.
"Uhh... 'Do you wanna fuck?'" Mario blurted out somewhat unintentionally.
"No, Mario, no! Try again..."Luigi said sternly yet patiently.
"Um, uh, um... 'will you suck my dick?'" Mario was still very hasty, a side-effect of his nervousness.
"No, Mario! Ask her on a date, remember?"
"But what I really want is sex first; shouldn't I be honest and just ask her if she'll have sex with me and take her on a date later?" They inched ever closer to Rosalina's door.
"No Mario first rule of dating: never be honest about wanting sex. Trust me. Daisy always grills me about not taking her on enough dates. If you want a relationship, that's where you start!"
"But I'm just so nervous, Luigi! I've never done this, I'm used to rescuing princesses to get them to like me!" They were now right outside the door.
"Don't worry, Mario. I'm gonna hide in this bush here to make sure you don't mess up." Luigi hopped into the shrubbery that Rosalina had bordering her dome. "You've got this, brother!"
"Okay..." Mario gulped, "...here we go." He let out a big exhale as he knocked on Rosalina's door. A few seconds passed. Mario tried to stop himself from breaking out in a cold, nervous sweat. He heard some footsteps coming towards the door, his heart beating harder in his chest with each approaching 'thud'. The door creaked open.
"Oh, hey Mario!" Rosalina stood there in the doorway, her full beauty radiating all around like some sort of bright shining star. Her platinum blond fringe that covered the right side of her face seemed a little damp and messy, as if it had been freshly washed. Around her body was a skimpy emerald-colored nightgown; the most revealing attire Mario had ever seen her in. The short skirt of her gown exposed her pale beige thighs, covering just low enough to have Mario wondering whether she was wearing any underpants underneath. Her low cut bodice held her melons perfectly in place, creating a substantial cleavage that Mario just wanted to motorboat all night. He could see her nipples poking through the thin fleece material. Mario felt himself shaking, and hoped it wasn't too noticeable to Rosalina.
"Hey Rosalina," Mario started while making substantial effort to maintain eye contact, "I-I-I'm sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you'd maybe wanna... uh..." Mario's felt his brain beginning to flatline and anxiety rushed over him as he tried to think of what to say. Luigi, from the bushes, quickly came to his brother's aid.
"Mario, ask her on a date!" Luigi whispered as quietly as he could, as to avoid Rosalina's attention.
"Rosalina," Mario said a little more assured this time, "I was wondering if I could take you out on a date sometime." There was a few seconds of silence as Mario looked nervously at Rosalina, who seemed to be pondering the thought of a date with Mario.
"Umm," Rosalina said, "I don't think I really want to go on a date with you..."
"Oh..." Mario let out a silent sigh. He no longer felt quite so nervous, but he was a little let down. Luigi frowned in the bushes; he was sure she would have agreed to the date. Before Mario could say anything else he was caught by Rosalina's gaze. He could tell she had something else to say.
"How about we go inside and fuck instead?" she said with a mischievous smile. Mario's jaw practically dropped all the way back down to Earth. Luigi instantaneously shit himself, neither Mario nor Rosalina noticing the brown chunks flying out of the bushes onto the walkway. Rosalina grabbed Mario by the nose and seductively pulled him inside. The door slammed behind them and Luigi heard the tumblers turn to a lock. He stepped out of the bushes. Even from the other side of the wall, the panting, grunting, and moaning indicative of a long night of passion were very audible. Luigi heard Mario let out a scream, and grinned.
"Well, looks like my work here is done." And so Luigi waddled back to the launch star, brown stain apparent on the back of his pants, and left Mario and Rosalina to have their fun.
The next morning, Luigi emerged from his bedroom after a pleasant night's sleep. It was very apparent that Luigi had not changed his pants yet, for the dark chocolate stains were still very conspicuous, and there was a foul smell coming from his room.
Luigi noticed Mario sitting in the corner of their living room silently, staring at the blank wall in front of him with a cold, unmoving hundred yard stare. In his left hand was a bottle of pills of various different shapes and colors. In his right was a 24 oz bottle of malt liquor, already halfway downed. He had bags under his eyes, five o' clock shadow around his jaw, and didn't seem to pay any notice to Luigi's presence in the room with him.
"So, tell me all about it Mario!" Luigi said, oblivious to his brother's apparent condition, "Sounds like you had a heck of a time last night!"
"I don't wanna talk about it..." Mario's voice was scruffy and monotone.
"What do you mean you don't wanna talk about it?"
"I just... I don't wanna talk about it."
"What's the matter? Can't you feel your dick Mario?" Luigi was now extremely curious.
"No, nothing like that..." Mario said, beginning to whimper, "She... she did things to me, Luigi..."
"Whatever do you mean?" Luigi asked, still confused as to what happened.
"...She raped me, Luigi... she raped me..." Mario put his hands over his face and began to sob. "Everything was going great at first, but then she brought this thing out of her night stand drawer. She called it a strap-on... she strapped it around her hips... and she turned me around, bent me over, and... it was so awful!" At this point Mario began violently shaking at the mere thought of the events that had transpired the night before.
"After a while she said she needed something bigger, so she used a mushroom on her strap-on. I begged her, I said please, can I have a mushroom too? But she said no, she said then it wouldn't feel as good..." Mario continued crying, "I feel so violated!" Luigi put a comforting hand on Mario's shoulder. "My shit, Luigi... it falls right out... it falls right out Luigi!" Mario started balling. "And the worst part is," He brought his hat down over his eyes and whispered, "I never came so hard in my life!"
Luigi sat there for several minutes, waiting for Mario's little episode to end. Eventually Mario stopped crying and recomposed himself somewhat. He looked up at Luigi who gave him a reassuring smile. It was going to be okay, Mario thought, Luigi was going to give him some advice, maybe a good counselor to help him get through this. Surely, Mario though, Luigi knew what to do. But what came out of Luigi's mouth, Mario never expected to hear.
"It's okay, Mario" he said in a very chipper tone, "That's just part of a relationship! Daisy does the same thing to me all the time!"
THE END