A/N: This idea originated yesterday, when I was discussing 'The Hobbit' and certain members of the cast (you know who I'm talking about) with my friends. Somehow we started talking who would be in a Middle-Earth boyband (I think one of the cast says something about a boyband in one of the production diaries) and after that I couldn't stop thinking about it. So what did I do? Naturally I ditched everything to write the first chapter of an epic story! Hopefully I will be able to update it every week or so. Hope you like it!

One man down

Mister Bilbo Baggins was a very respectable and decent hobbit, but the news he now received almost caused him to scream like an orc.

"What do you mean, he quit?" he asked. He tried to keep his voice flat, but the word 'quit' was almost an octave higher than the rest of the sentence.

"He walked away last night," Kili said. He didn't seem that concerned. Then again, Kili never really seemed concerned. "Really angry. Said he didn't want to have to do anything with us anymore."

"Good riddance, I'd say," Fili said.

"Good riddance?" Yes, Bilbo's voice was now definitely higher than before. He felt a scream of frustration and despair welling up inside him. Oh, he wished he was back home again, with a kettle on the fire. Not for the first time.

"Elves' ears, Bilbo," Kili said. "Why do you get so worked up over this? His bass playing wasn't that good."

"You don't understand!" said Bilbo. "Boromir is the son of Denethor, stewart of Gondor!"

"So? Our uncle is King under the Mountain," Fili said. "He can act all fancy and noble about it, but a stewart is not a king."

"He was the only reason we got any gigs at all!" Bilbo screamed. "Our whole next tour was set in Gondor! Denethor himself made sure everything was provided for! We're ruined!"

Kili and Fili were a bit taken aback by this outburst.

"Take it easy, Bilbo," Kili said, after a while. "We'll figure something out. It will work, you'll see."

Bilbo had collapsed on the chair, hands on his face.

"What do I do?" he murmured. "What do I do?"

"It's not that hard," Fili said. "We'll just have an audition."

After Kili and Fili had left, Bilbo stared blankly at the desk in front of him.

"Just an audition," he said. "And who is the one doing all the work? Yes, me."

Sometimes Bilbo wondered why he had accepted the position of manager for second-rate band "The Fellows" in the first place. Then he remembered he didn't really have a choice at the time. That creepy bouncer, seemingly an old man, had effectively forced him to take the position.

Now he simply wished he could disappear.

That afternoon the whole band was assembled in the practice room. It had taken a long time before this feat was established, so Bilbo was exhausted before the actual meeting begun. And he still needed to get everyone's attention, which sounded easier than it actually was.

"Merry, lay of those mushrooms! Fili, stop drumming! I can't hear myself! Put that ball down, Pippin! Where is Sam? Sam!"

Sam Gamgee, the handyman, came right away. He was always so punctual and well-behaved. Why wasn't he in the band?

"What is it, master Bilbo?" Sam asked.

"What are all those flowers doing in the room?"

"Thought they'd cheer up the room, master Bilbo. Beg your pardon, master Bilbo."

"No, it's fine," Bilbo said. "Just… I fear for them in the presence of this lot."

"Anything else, mister Bilbo?"

"No, it's okay. Go check on Frodo, or something. I'm worried about him."

"Right away," Sam said. He got out, leaving Bilbo to calm the completely unhinged band.

"Kili, no! That is antique!"

Eventually the exhausted, despairing hobbit, let out a scream that was enough to silence everyone. For now, at least.

"Enough!" Bilbo said. "This is serious!" He sunk down on the couch. "Please listen to me."

It worked. Only now everyone stared at him as if he were mad. Which was almost correct.

"Are you okay, Bilbo?" Merry asked.

Bilbo got up.

"No," he said. "I am not. And unfortunately, you are the reason for that."

"Me?" Merry asked. "I got you mushrooms the other day!"

"That's mean, Bilbo," Pippin said.

Bilbo sighed.

"Not you specifically, Merry. All of you. You drive me crazy with your irresponsible, we-can-do-everything-we-like attitude."

"We're a band," Fili said. "What did you expect?"

"A little bit of professionalism," Bilbo said. "You blew every gig I ever managed to get you."

"Not the one in Fangorn," Pippin said. "Those trees loved to rock!"

"They were just too slow to get away before it ended!" Bilbo snapped. "And they're also a bit slow paying."

"We could go to Lake-town," Kili said.

"You ruined it there by telling them you would rock the dragon out of the mountain," said Bilbo. "And then you didn't do it."

"It was a figure of speech!"

Bilbo sighed.

"Without Boromir, we have no income," he said. "No performances, no nothing."

"We can have an audition," Fili said.

"I already put an add in The Palantir," Bilbo said. "But even if we somehow miraculously manage to get a good bass-player, we are still on a dead end."

"Don't say that, Bilbo," Merry said. "You come through in the end."

"I do," Bilbo said. "You guys don't! If we can get a bassplayer, and if I manage to get you a gig, I expect some changes. In your attitude I mean."

"Of course," Kili said.

"No problem!" said Merry.

"So no more vocal exercises on the night before the gig," Bilbo said.

"What?" Kili looked at him as if he were crazy. "But I need my warming-up!"

"Then don't do it in the middle of the street, and don't do it when people are sleeping!"

"Okay, okay, I won't," Kili said. "Elves' ears, don't get so worked up about it."

"Pippin, no more drink for you!" Bilbo said. "The maximum will be a half pint."

"What?" Pippin complained. "I can totally hold my liquor."

"No, you can't," Bilbo said.

The other bandmembers nodded in agreement.

"You can't," Merry said.

Pippin looked hurt, but didn't argue anymore.

"And for all of you, please, please, please, practice when you're supposed to practice. Nine o'clock, here, in the practice room."

"Nine o'clock?" Fili asked. "That's outrageous!"

"Yeah!" Kili said. "Besides, we already know all of our songs, by heart."

"Right," Bilbo said. "I guess that explains why you forgot your lyrics at that Ranger-party! And you, Merry, if you're doing a solo, people expect it to sound good! And Fili is supposed to know when the song slows down or goes faster. Pippin… good work at the keyboard."

"Yey," Pippin said.

The other ones weren't quite as happy.

"We're not as bad as you make us sound," Kili said.

"It's your choice," Bilbo said. "We have to practice, or we'll only be touring Mordor for the next ten years."

"Oh no," Merry said in disgust.

"I hate that place," Pippin added in a small voice.

"No way," Kili said. "I am not letting any orc throwing mud or arrows at me anymore!"

"And that guy gave me the creeps," Fili said. "With that fire."

"He was constantly looking at me…" Pippin said. He had turned really white. Merry patted him on the shoulder.

"We're not going back there," Kili said. "Everything's better than that."

"Well, that's a pity then," Bilbo said. "If you don't practice and if you keep doing all those crazy things, no one else will have us. At least the orcs seemed to enjoy themselves. And I must say, they were very prompt with the payment."

"We'll practice," Kili said. "By the Lonely Mountain, Bilbo, is it really necessary to be this serious?"

"Oh, it is," Bilbo said. "And to make sure you will keep your promises, I've got a contract you should sign."

"A contract?" Fili said.

"I'm not doing that," Merry said. "I am a free, unbound hobbit."

"Am I even allowed to sign?" Pippin asked. "I'm only 32!"

"I'm not signing," Kili said.

"Then I'm sorry, but I have to quit," Bilbo said. He had finally said it.

They all stared at him. It took some time before anyone spoke.

"Quit?" Kili managed eventually.

"Yes!" Bilbo said. "You don't seriously think I do this for fun, do you? I'm constantly busy cleaning up all of your messes and I'm sick of it! I'm not doing it anymore! Not unless you are really willing to put some effort in this and to do the best you can! Because you are better than this!"

It was really quiet in the practice room.

"You know this, right?" Bilbo asked. "You can do better."

Everyone was still silent, and for a moment Bilbo despaired. This is it, he thought. This is the end of all things.

"I'll sign it."

Bilbo looked around the room, incredulous. They had all said it at the same time.